WHITE OUT

Children make you want to start life over. ~Muhammad Ali

These good fellows don't belong to me but I promise when I'm done to pick um up, dust um off and with a kiss on the cheek return them safely home.

A/N: Thank you for the PM's and emails. I love hearing from you guys.

CHAPTER 21

He eyed the new petition that had been placed on his desk with a frown and a few choice words grumbled under his breath. Leaning back in the leather chair he contemplated the last phone update he had gotten on Emily from Dr. Brackett. It had been a mixed bag of news. Apparently she was doing well enough to be discharged, interestingly enough in the care of the family of John Gage. Although he didn't explain what the situation was Brackett had made it clear she was not ready for upsetting news. He knew that if this had caught him off guard, it would be devastating to her. The problem was that this issue had a deadline and the months would pass quickly.

Sooner or later she would have to face it.

Kanda stood in the small exam room while Emily gripped her hand like she was the last life preserver on the Titanic. Sharing the reassuring smile wasn't easily done when she was just as nervous as the patient lying on the exam table. Emily flinched at the door opening and a middle aged, slightly balding, man entered the room and put on some gloves.

"I need you to step out during the exam," he said without making eye contact with Kanda. As her fingers turned white from the death grip Kanda knew there was no way she was leaving the room.

"Emily wants me to stay with her."

Thankfully he didn't debate the issue and began his exam on Emily by lifting her shirt up to expose her abdomen. With gentle palpations to estimate size and position, he simply grunted and then placed the small handheld Doppler to find a heartbeat. Kanda found herself holding her breath with anticipation and looked down with excited eyes to Emily only to find a worried face. However, when the beat, beat, beat could be heard she took a deep breath and let a single tear escape.

"Heartbeat sounds strong." Standing up he stripped off his gloves and picked up her chart. "I'd like to see more weight gain. The baby is small for size right now and isn't growing well. How is your appetite?"

His eyes stayed on Emily and Kanda grew a bit frustrated. She gave Emily the time and opportunity to answer, but deep down knew she hadn't reached that point yet in her recovery.

"Her appetite is improving slowly. We're offering her about 6-8 healthy snacks a day and she's drinking the nutritional supplements too."

His dissatisfaction was evident. "Well, she needs to get some weight on her or the outcome of this pregnancy will not be good." Before waiting for an answer he was gone out the door.

Kanda felt Emily's hand leave hers and she was instantly furious. Helping Emily sit up she couldn't even get her to make eye contact as she helped her into the wheelchair. Patting her on the shoulder, "Don't worry Emily I know you're working hard so don't get disheartened by what he said."

Wheeling her down the hall of the office building she entered another office where Johnny was already done with his appointment and waiting on them. He hopped up and waved his crutches.

"Look, no more splint!"

Kanda pushed her concern over Emily to the side for a moment and showed enthusiasm for Johnny's progress. He was radiating joy until he saw the hidden worry in his sister and then the quick glance to Emily made his heart rate quicken.

"Kanda?"

She patted his arm. "It's okay, I'll tell you later."

He nodded and slowly they worked their way out to the car.

"So what did he say today?" Kanda asked as they drove through the city.

"Well, I'm able to come off the splint some during the day, just use it when the shoulder tires or hurts."

"And the therapy?"

Pause.

Kanda smiled. "John?"

A deep sigh came from the backseat, "Still have to do the therapy for at least two more weeks, then back to see the ortho guy for this." He knocked on his leg.

"Okay, I'll make the appointments for the same day again. You also have a last appointment with Kel."

Johnny was getting excited already. He was finally feeling really good and getting antsy to return to work. Now, he was almost afraid to ask about Emily's appointment because she had remained distant and simply leaned against the car window with her eyes closed. He raised his eyebrows to Kanda in the rearview mirror and she shook her head with a 'later' mouthed to him. Kanda pulled out the small piece of paper that had a scribbled address written on it. She hoped that the stop by Emily's apartment would lift her spirits some and to help her bring some items of comfort back to the ranch. Pulling up to the high rise apartment building the valet rushed out to help them out of the car.

The doorman greeted them. "Afternoon, how can I help you?"

Kanda hesitated for a moment. If he didn't remember Emily they had no hopes of getting inside her apartment. "This is Emily Jackson from apartment 1016."

He looked down at her and seemed to be taken aback. "Oh, Miss Jackson, I'm so sorry I didn't recognize you. Of course." He opened the door for them with a gentle nod of his head.

Inside, the tiny lobby was sparsely adorned with minimal furnishings and commercial wall art. Johnny stepped into the elevator first and it probably reflected the age of the building more than anything they had seen so far. Kanda caught herself saying a tiny prayer to make it up safely as Johnny pulled the Iron Gate closed and locked them in. Despite the long moments of creaking and groaning it delivered them to the correct floor and they all gratefully exited to solid ground once again. The keys were already in her hands and she worked to gain entrance into the apartment. Johnny went first then held the door for Kanda and Emily's wheelchair.

"Wow, would you look at this!" He moved ahead of them, passed through the main room and went straight to the far wall which was nothing but floor to ceiling windows. Outside were the distant mountains outside LA. "Em, this is incredible."

Emily smiled at his child like enthusiasm gave and passed Kanda a small list of things she wanted to pick up. The shorter time here the better for her. It was just another place of memories that she didn't have the energy to deal with right now.

The apartment was essentially a giant loft that was open except for the bedrooms and bath. Kanda moved slowly through the living space and admired the numerous paintings that adorned the walls. Each one was a separate work of incredible art and several held the tiny initials of EJ in the corner. Scattered shelves held various pictures and as she looked at each one she felt heartache for Emily, seeing the look of joy of a radiant mother laughing with her daughter. She was actually amazed at how much the young woman had changed from the pictures to where she was now. It really was no wonder that the doorman didn't recognize her when they arrived.

The pictures held a glowing fair skinned woman with long blonde hair, her eyes sparkling blue, well defined cheek bones and a quiet strength too her. Kanda took one of the pictures and put it in her bag. She then moved from room to room gathering up the requested items which included clothes, a couple of books, and some personal items. Emily's bedroom held minimal decorations and a stack of boxes near the window, each one sealed with tape marked 'Maggie'. The other bedroom had been her daughters.

The walls were now stripped clean leaving nothing but the faded marks of posters and picture frames. A white metal framed canopy bed held the sheer netting across the top and folded pink flowered sheets at the foot. Kanda moved to a small box on the dresser. Inside were small treasures, a hand painted potty bowl, a picture of Maggie with another little girl with 'best friends' written on the bottom, a handful of colorful hair bows, and lastly a small sketchbook. With a full bag she headed back to the living room until she passed a corner off the kitchen and saw something she knew had to go back with them.

"Taking everything including the kitchen sink sis?" Johnny chided her.

"Only the important stuff," she said as she looked down to see a smile emerge from Emily. "Let's get home now."

Emily sat and stared at the blank canvas in front of her. They had placed the easel out on the front porch allowing her the freedom to paint when she felt it. Right now she was having trouble feeling it. There were so many things that were coursing through her mind and they didn't lend themselves to beauty. When she looked up Roy's truck was coming down the drive. Johnny came hobbling out the front door and Emily watched his face light up more than she had ever seen as two children jumped out of the truck and came racing up the stairs.

"Uncle Johnny!" They both yelled as they about knocked him down with hugs.

Kanda greeted them both with hugs of her own then helped Johnny make it to a chair safely.

"Emily, this is Chris and Jenny."

Emily shared a big smile with the bubbling 6 year old.

"Hi!" Jenny said. Chris's hi was present, but not as confident and he quickly moved to Johnny's side with more interest in the giant leg cast and marker waiting on him. Emily reached out to shake Jenny's little hand and nodded her head. The bouncy girl didn't even question that Emily remained quiet.

"Whatcha gonna paint?"

Emily shrugged her shoulders then passed the paintbrush to the little girl. Jenny squealed with excitement, scooted right next to her and proceeded to decide which color she wanted first. Looking back to Emily and smiling at the confirmation that it was a good choice she dipped the brush into the paint. The others quietly watched with amazement as Emily helped her to move the brush over the canvas.

Kanda nodded to the boys to follow her into the house where she updated them on Emily's visit to the doctor and some ideas she had come up with to help her recuperation.

"Is the baby really in danger?" Johnny asked with concern.

"I don't think so right now. If she keeps getting stronger the baby will also get stronger."

Roy motioned outside. "Painting again will be good for her."

"I hope so. She needs something to bring a little joy back to her life," Kanda said as she glanced outside to see the pair still painting.

After about an hour Jenny came running into the house with multiple colors of paint on her face and hands. "Daddy, Emily is ready to come inside. I think she's tired now."

"Okay honey, go wash your hands and face for dinner."

Roy went outside and helped her get back inside while Johnny tried to figure out why Chris kept beating him at checkers.

"Daddy, can I sleep in Emily's room tonight?" Jenny asked as they sat around the dinner table.

Roy shot a look to Emily thinking this was asking a bit much of the young woman. Instead he saw a glimmer of excitement in her eyes also. "I think that's okay, if it's okay with Emily." A quick nod of her head reassured him it would be okay.

Emily and Jenny were in bed first, both worn out from their long day of different activities. Chris sat on the back porch with Johnny talking about the merits of having a giant furry creature named Chewbacca as a co-pilot in space while Roy and Kanda cleaned up the dishes then sauntered to the front porch swing.

"Roy, did you see this?" she said as she picked up the canvas still sitting out there.

It was a charming picture of the massive oak in the front yard, complete with the swing. The technique was simple and beautiful to Kanda reflecting the creative fun strokes of Jenny with the mature controlled touch of Emily. She pointed to the one corner that said 'JD' and the other side with 'EJ'. Propping it against the wall she joined him on the swing.

"I'm so glad you guys are spending the weekend with us."

"Well, figured you needed some rescue from Johnny," he said and she laughed.

"Soon the cast will be off and he can start to get around easier. That is if I can keep him off the horses, the 4 wheeler and," she turned to face him, "do you know where he was today?"

Roy was afraid to ask.

"He was on the dining room table trying to change light bulbs in the chandelier and was upset because I threatened to duck tape him to the recliner." She shook her head. "I had no idea that trying to keep him entertained would be a full time job."

Roy pointed to his own chest. "Trust me, I know."

She nodded knowing there were many years of friendship between the two men and felt a hint of sadness knowing she had missed so much of Johnny's life.

Yep, he was gonna have to have a talk with that partner of his. "Well, I'll try to keep him busy this weekend helping me with stuff around the house. Maybe we can wear him out some for you."

"I heard that," Johnny said as he came from around the back of the house with Chris.

"Hey dad, do you think we can do some fishing this weekend?"

Roy shrugged, "Don't see why not."

Kanda leaned back and planned on enjoying the arrival of the cavalry to her rescue. She was exhausted.

She lay on the lounge chair and soaked up the rays of the afternoon sun. After being so cold for so long it was like she couldn't get enough of it now. Her eyes were closed and she filled her lungs with the fresh air along with the memories of her past in the mountains with her grandmother. If she listened hard enough she could hear her singing while she sewed the next family quilt. She let those good times flood her being.

"I just love tulips. Hope these hurry up and bloom."

Jenny giggled. "I hope they are all yellow."

"Yellow and pink and white," Kanda replied with a wink.

Emily opened her eyes and smiled at Kanda who was on her hands and knees planting bulbs with Jenny around the back patio beside her. She was covered in dirt between caring for the horses, working on a fence, and now playing in the dirt. Brushing some loose hair from her damp forehead she managed to smear more dirt on her face. Emily wanted to laugh at her seeing how utterly happy she was in her task.

Jenny did laugh out loud. Kanda looked up and shared the smile with her. "No laughing. I'm definitely not at my best right now."

"You look like a dirt monster Aunt Kanda." She then promptly wiggled her nose up to Kanda's.

She laughed again. "I think it's time for some lemonade. Emily, would you like to go inside for a bit?"

Emily nodded and stood up with Kanda's help. It took a couple of steps to steady herself, but when she reached the steps she swayed and had to fight off the waves of nausea.

"Emily?"

Emily shook her head quickly and held her eyes tightly shut to fight off the dizziness.

"Let's sit down." Kanda turned to Jenny. "Honey, go get your daddy for me okay?"

She gently eased Emily down to sit on one of the steps and reached to her wrist to get a pulse. Within seconds Roy was running around the side of the house to her.

"What happened?" The color that had returned in the last week to her face was now washed away and she was shaking. He could see the worry in Kanda's eyes.

"She got dizzy getting up. Her heart rate is 110. Let's get her inside and I'll check a blood pressure on her."

Roy slipped her into his arms quickly and followed Kanda to the living room. Johnny and Chris were playing a game of chess and both were alarmed to see them come in.

"What?" Johnny started.

Kanda grabbed her doctor's bag and set it beside the couch. "Can you tell me if anything hurts?" She knew she wasn't likely to get an answer, but she desperately wanted to know what was going on.

Slowly Emily's eyes untightened and opened up. The look of fear in Kanda's eyes caught her off guard and she tried to offer up a small smile for her. It worked and Kanda relaxed a bit.

"Her pressure is 90/60," Roy said as he tried to help Kanda figure out what happened.

Kanda squeezed her hand. "I think you just got up too quick and it made you dizzy. Feel better now?" They watched the pink slowly return to her cheeks.

A small nod offered them some reassurance and Roy helped her to sit up a bit more.

"Up to 100/60 now," he said with the second blood pressure check.

"Good, much better." She patted her arm, "just rest here for a while."

"Do I need to take her to the ER?" Roy asked as he leaned against the kitchen counter.

Kanda finished up the high protein milkshake she was making. "No, I don't think so. We'll just keep a close eye on her. If it happens again I'll call Kel and see what he thinks."

Johnny shook his head. "I just don't have a good feeling about this."

She smiled at her protective big brother. "Don't worry John. She has three sets of medical eyes on her if anything changes I promise to take her in."

With a reluctant nod he moved back to the living room to sit with her. She slept the rest of the day, only waking when they encouraged her to eat, and only then for a short time. For the others it was a constant vigil watching over her, including little Jenny who sat at the end of the couch coloring while she slept. When dinner came Kanda walked with her to the bathroom and was reassured to see her steady steps. The rest had been good for her and it was a firm reminder to Kanda that simple things still drained her.

Sunday brought the end of another week and Kanda had a picnic planned for everyone by the creek. Roy loaded up the supplies in her Rover while Jenny helped Emily pack some painting supplies. Chris followed Johnny around as they gathered the fishing poles.

"JOHNNY!"

He froze because he knew exactly why his sister was bellowing his name. Roy looked back with a 'what did you do now' glance, but had to laugh when Kanda emerged with a handful of worms she found in the fridge.

"Thanks sis almost forgot those," he said as she dumped them in his outstretched hands.

Chris wanted to laugh, but wasn't sure if now was the best time considering the scowl on her face.

"Uh huh," she began. "Next time they will be your dinner since they seem to keep finding their way into my produce bin."

He swallowed. "That's just gross sis." He turned to Chris, "Girls!"

Roy laughed. "Come on partner. Let's get this show on the road."

Johnny and Chris sat on the river bank quietly embracing their fishing endeavors while Emily and Jenny rested under a giant oak. Both girls had a small canvas and paints and seemed to be rather busy at their art project. The temperature was perfect, the air crisp and clear, and a gentle breeze brushed across them. While Kanda and Roy relaxed on the big blanket she watched Jenny talking Emily's ear off.

Then Kanda froze.

"Roy?" She looked over to him, "Did you see that?"

He looked worried for a minute. "What's wrong?"

She shook her head. "No, watch them," she said as she pointed in their direction.

They could see Jenny's side and her face as she kept talking, but Emily's back was to them and they could only see her head nod or shake as Jenny talked. But something was different now. Jenny was nodding her head and smiling.

"Do you think?" Kanda started then saw the grin on Roy's face.

"She is a force of nature, no one can resist her."

Kanda laughed. "This is wonderful!"

"The next question is ... will she talk to us?"