Everybody Loves Raguna
'Ivan the Awesome'
"Hm... I see..." Raguna mumbled as he and his brother walked in the park, "So you're telling me... It's over with Tabatha?"
"Hah..." Ivan sighed, "I'm afraid it is..."
"It's only been a month, Ivan..." Raguna grumbled, "Are you trying to smother the baby in the crib or what?"
"No no..." Ivan said, "It's just... That she and I are no longer that compatible, you get me?"
"Uh huh..." Raguna nodded, "Well, absolutely not... Why, Ivan? There must be a reason."
"Well... I really want to try out the other fish here." Ivan chuckled and rubbed the back of his head, "I was wondering if you could help a brotha out by giving me some intel?"
"Intel, you say?" a deep voice called out, it was their father,
"Oh boy..." Ivan sighed,
"Father, we need to get you your own home." Raguna grumbled in discomfort,
"I already got one." the Spaceman chuckled, "Now... I heard someone wanted intel on someone?"
"Well..." Raguna's mischievous smile came out, "Ivan needed to find another gir-"
"Raguna!" Ivan yelled and smack his brother,
"OUCH!"
"Oh... Is that so?" the Spaceman chuckled, "Well, what happened to that other girl? What's her name... Tammy? Tamara? Trinity? Tracy? Tiffany? No! I got it! Theresa!" he looked to his sons for correction,
"It's Tabatha..." the suit computer responded, "Tabatha the Elf."
"Oh... Right." the Spaceman said, "Yeah! Her!"
"It's over..." Ivan responded,
"Already? I've only known of this relationship for two days." the Spaceman grumbled, "But if that is the case... I got you some intel." he smiled and pushed a button on his helmet, projecting a screen onto the nearby wall.
"Um..."
"How about Lara?" the Spaceman said as a holographic info card of her pulled up, "She's 17 years old, red hair, 5'4, Blood Type rO, Species Human, Runic Potential about 4 in a scale of 10-"
"I don't need to know that dad." Ivan grumbled,
"Oh! Ok!" the Spaceman said and flipped through his databanks, "How about her!?" he showed a picture of Mist, "She's also 17, 5'3, Blood Type rAB+, of the Human Speci-"
"Dad"
"Fine..." the Spaceman groaned, "Lynette? 17? Damn, are all the girls here 17 or what? This is a Spring Break Paradise!" he chuckled, "5'5, Blood Type rA-, Human.. Ooh, a military Record." he said in awe.
"DAD I DON'T NEED THAT TYPE OF INTEL!" Ivan yelled to get his attention,
"Ok! Ok!" the Spaceman grumbled, "Yeesh... Trying to help my own child and this is what I get?"
"I don't need that information, father." Ivan sighed, "I need to know what they like or what their personalities are like."
"Well go out and get to know them!" the Spaceman said, "Don't be a little pansy!"
"I think that's enough of you." Raguna said as he quietly pushed his father away,
"Trust me! You'll need my help someday!" the Spaceman said as he was pushed back inside the house.
"Glad we got him out." Ivan sighed,
"OK." Raguna turned to his brother, "I'll help you out, but in exchange for one thing."
"What is that?" Ivan asked,
"You'll help me build the old man's house later on." Raguna said, leaning his head towards their father, "Deal?"
"Deal..." Ivan said and shook his brother's hand, "So, are you gonna help me?"
"Sure..." Raguna said, "I'll get those girls coming up to you asking for a date.." he turned his back and his mischievous smile returned once more..
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"Raguna, what are those?" Felicity asked her husband, who was carrying a stack of papers,
"You know... Paper..." Raguna responded,
"I know that..." Felicity grumbled, "But what's on them?"
"Wood Fibers..." Raguna said,
"You stupid..." Felicity growled, "Never mind... Just go." she rubbed her head in pain of his responses.
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"Hehehehehehehehe..." Raguna laughed evilly as he nailed one of his papers on the Town Board in the park, "And that's the last one." he said and rubbed his hands, "Ivan is gonna get so many girls out of this!"
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The family was eating breakfast that next morning, by family I meant Raguna's immediate family, I.e, not Godwin.
"So... What did you do today, Daughter-in-law?" the Spaceman asked Felicity as he ate a biscuit,
"Well, I cleaned the house, sir." Felicity responded, "and I told you that you can call me Felicity, I don't mind."
"Alright..." the Spaceman said, "Felicity... This is a good meal.. Do you have more?" he asked as he looked at his empty plate,
"More?" Felicity groaned, "Sir... I'm sorry to say this, but your appetite is terrible!"
"Well." the Spaceman said, "I come from another planet you see... My species of human is entirely different to yours... We're taller, stronger, faster, and when we enter this planet, we gain a spike in Runic Potential... Though I don't understand what that is, we do have a large quantity of it. Thus, being the vastly superior beings we are, we require more nourishment."
"Blah, Blah, Blah..." Raguna said, "A man is always a man, no matter where he came from."
"Calm down, Socrates." the Spaceman chuckled, only to see his family's blank reactions, "Oh... You don't know who th- Ok."
"Anyways..." Ivan said, "Felicity, I think you have heard.. Knowing Raguna's blabbing mouth."
"Heard what, Ivan?" Felicity asked,
"That Tabatha and I are split." Ivan responded, making Felicity gasp,
"Really?!" she said in shock, "Why!? Oh my! This is why Tabatha didn't come to the book club meeting yesterday!"
"Book club?" the Spaceman asked in interest,
"Well, that's what they call it." Raguna told him, "But over here in Honkyland, it's called the Gossip Club."
"We do not gossip!" Felicity argued, "All the time..."
"When is this book club?" the Spaceman asked,
"Oh, are you interested?" Felicity responded, the soldier nodded his head, "This is great! We can finally have some male representation! I love it when guys are in to literature and not bonking their heads over with a bone while watching football."
"Hey..." Raguna grumbled, "That was only once!"
"This will really bring all the guys in!" Felicity smiled, completely forgetting about Ivan's incident, "Since it's really an all female cast... We start at around 7, when we girls get done fixing up our homes and dinner. Mondays through Wednesdays."
"I'll be there." the Spaceman responded, he was about to say something else when a knock was heard on the door.
"I wonder who it could be at this hour." Raguna mumbled,
"It's 7 o'clock." the Spaceman informed, "or midnight in Paris."
"What's a Paris?" Ivan asked, "Is that a guy?"
"No.." the Spaceman sighed.
"Hello." Felicity said as she opened the door, only to see Lynette standing outside,
"Hello, Felicity." Lynette greeted with a smile, "Excuse me, but is Ivan home?"
"Yes, why?" Felicity asked,
"It's about this." Lynette pulled up the paper that Raguna was nailing outside yesterday,
"What is this?" Felicity looked at it, "And yeah, he's in here."
"Great." Lynette said and gave a copy to Felicity, then walked in.
"Oh, hi Lynette." Raguna greeted,
"I just wanted to see your brother." Lynette said as she looked at Ivan, "I too like long walks on the beach."
"Huh?" Ivan said in confusion,
"You know, I always fell for a guy who was in cover of a magazine for being the best trader." Lynette added as she read off the paper, "Or how he can chop an avocado in half with his bare hand."
"What is this?" Ivan said,
Raguna snickered in his seat,
"Next time, if you want to get a girl, just go out and talk!" Lynette yelled, "Idiot." she turned away and left.
"What the hell was that all about?!" Ivan said in extreme confusion,
"Someone posted these outside." Felicity came up to him, "They're your dating profiles." he said,
"Who... Who would make this?" Ivan said as he looked at the paper,
All eyes turned to Raguna,
"What? It wasn't me!" Raguna said, his face red from all the snickering,
"You're sick, you know that?" Ivan squinted his eyes and shook his head,
"What the heck, Raguna?" Felicity yelled, "Why would you make this?!"
"He wanted help!" Raguna defended himself, "I gave him help!"
"Was a master of ping pong in the Academy." the Spaceman read some more from the flier, "Likes to drink Pina Coladas... And get caught in the rain?" he mumbled, then snickered as well.
"What so funny!?" Ivan yelled in embarrassment,
"Nothing! It's just a song from my homeworld..." the Spaceman laughed, "It's just... Yeah... It goes like that. Any way!" he cleared his throat, "Raguna, this is a heresy!" he yelled, "Go! Time out!"
"What?" Raguna said in confusion,
"Time out!" the Spaceman stood up, then turned to Felicity, "That still works, right?"
"I don't think so." Felicity responded, "But I will do something about this!"
"Ha ha! Like what!?" Raguna said in pride,
"You'll see." Felicity commenced the stare down,
"Ok Ok!" Raguna capitulated, "Ivan! I'm sorry! It was a joke!"
"I didn't find it funny." Ivan mumbled, "Brother... I would never do this to you..."
"Oh man..." Raguna said as the feels got to him, "Ivan! I said I was sorry!"
"Huh..." Ivan sighed and walked off in sadness.
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"Look! There he is!" Lynette pointed at Ivan as he started to set up shop in the town,
"Ivan! Why don't you show us how much you can lift?" Mei taunted,
"Ivan! Oh Ivan! Take me to the beach one day!" Sharron added,
"Give me a pina colada too!" Mist added,
"Huh..." Ivan sighed, trying his best to ignore them, "Just another day at work..."
"Look at Ivan! I bet he can beat us all at ping pong!" Lynette continued, "You must be so proud of yourself!"
"Alright! Get out of here!" a voice yelled, it was the Spaceman, "Leave him alone!"
"Idiot." Lynette said as the group departed.
"I'm sorry about what your brother did..." the Spaceman told Ivan, "You're a nice guy, you don't deserve this."
"Maybe I do." Ivan said, "Why did Raguna do this."
"You know, son." the Spaceman sat down next to him, "In my homeworld there are types of people that are like Raguna, over there we call them jackasses... But Raguna is not a jackass, he just acts like it sometimes... Sure I may not have been around here for quite a while, but I know Lucia raised two fine boys for as long as she could! Here, I got something for you." he said and pulled out a small ring,
"What is this?" Ivan said as he looked at the gold and emerald piece of jewelry,
"It's your birth ring..." the Spaceman said, "You know how long it took get this?"
"How long?" Ivan asked,
"Well.. There was me." the Spaceman said, "On the Planet Epsilon AI80... A world filled with minerals and precious stones but guarded by the aggressive Hjiks... Let's just say I fought their tribal leader and managed to get that emerald as a sign of respect. I lasted more than a minute against that guy, with no suit, I broke a femur and popped my shoulder.. But I managed to get this... a galaxy emerald.. They call it that because if you put it at a right angle against the sun." he picked up the ring, "You can see a galaxy."
Surely enough, a small galaxy appeared in a flash of sunlight,
"Woah..." Ivan said in awe,
"This is what you wore when you were born, that's why it's so tiny.." The Spaceman said,
"And what of Raguna's?" Ivan asked,
"Lucia kept that one." the Spaceman mumbled, "But that's not the point, Ivan, you are special, and no matter what anyone says to you to state the contrary, that is just false. You and Raguna are both here for a purpose."
"But Raguna has a nice house and family... I'm just a nomadic trader." Ivan muttered,
"His time came early, so what?" the Spaceman, "Your girl will come soon! I guarantee it!"
Ivan looked up an smiled, "Thanks, dad."
"You're welcome, son... Hey, want to mess with Raguna?" the Spaceman asked and smiled,
"Yes..." Ivan chuckled, and the two walked off.
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"Finally at home..." Raguna sighed as he returned at home,
"Oh Raguna!" Felicity's voice called up, "Come here for bit!"
"Ugh..." Raguna groaned, "There's a game on!"
"There's also a game on up here." the voice responded, "Why not make a couple goals?"
Raguna's eyes shot open,
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"Hehhehehehe..." the Spaceman chuckled as he and Ivan stood in Raguna's room, "I love this voice replicator software."
"You two are the worst." the suit computer said in a snickering voice, "Here it is.." the suit projected a hologram of a terrifying alien creature, complete with noise and animation.
"Here I come!" Raguna said as his steps pattered up quickly, "Ha- DWAAHHH!"
"RAHH!" the alien roared in anger,
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Raguna screamed like a little girl and quickly dashed back down the stairs, and with a slam of the door, was out of the house.
"Hahahahahaha!" Ivan exploded in laughter,
"That was perfect!" the Spaceman said as he shut down the hologram, "I bet he peed his pants!"