Rhea was over the moon for two reasons. Mostly because today was her birthday an marking her eighteenth year on this planet, but also because of the events that had occurred on Saturday night, when everyone was at their home, enjoying the sun, the pool, the alcohol…It had been a perfect way to start the weekend. But when she had heard her mother, Lightning, say those words, her world had been rocked so hard it had nearly been impossible to keep it a secret. Not to Elia, however, as her younger sister was informed of the event barely twenty seconds after it had happened, dragging her back inside her bedroom for a private chat that had been filled with excitement.
From Sunday to today, all Rhea managed to keep in mind was another new plan. And in her mind, it was beginning with fireworks. Never would she had thought events would happen this way, in this order, and she only hoped Fang had answered with the same three stupid words. Because sadly, too existed when her mother had said them, Rhea had run as quietly as she had come, but quicker than ever before.
"Rhea, tu peux venir?"
Arching a brow at her mother's use of French, Rhea exited her bedroom with one of the biggest smiles she had carried to date. "What's up mom?"
"En français s'il te plaît," Lightning said with a stern look.
"Ugh. Pourquoi," she asked. Where did this come from anyway? It had been months since they had spoken French and she knew her mother would pick on every mistake she'd surely make.
"Parce que," Lightning said, "I say so. Now, French. Half-an-hour is all I'm asking."
"J'ai cru que c'était mon anniversaire!"
"Yes, it is your birthday," her mother continued in English, "but I'd appreciate it if you tried. Elia complied this morning."
"Ouais mais ça sert à quoi," Rhea asked. It was true. She didn't see the point to this futile exercise. It's only when she looked back at her mother that she understood the ruse that had been played on her. "Mom! That wasn't cool!"
"Oh, don't be like that. But in all honesty…" Lightning arched brow and tilted her head to the side. "What is it? What's that smile?"
Pinching her lips together, Rhea avoided looking at her mother more than she already had. But could you blame her? This was the definition of hope, and nothing else. And if anything, Lightning's eyes had shone more in the past days than they had in the last years. However, a question quickly came to her mind.
What would be of Alex? Would they still see each other, or would they decide to break things off? After all, it was the most intelligent solution. For all she knew, they had never been friends in the first place and had immediately skipped at the girlfriend part of their relationship.
She snorted louder than she had planned but kept on ignoring the look her mother had been throwing at her. Her thoughts were nothing of her concern for the time being. Standing up from the kitchen stool, Rhea continued to fully ignore her mother and slammed her phone on the brand-new speakers Lightning had given to her in the morning, keeping the headset for the dinner with her family. Grinning, she selected the last added song and blasted the volume to a critical level and began to dance her way back inside the kitchen in front of her mother's both annoyed and amused look.
Elia, who had been studying in her bedroom, emerged inside the kitchen and was dumbfounded to find both mother and daughter dancing like lunatics. Using wooden spoons as microphones, she observed the scene with a smile spreading across her lips and was quick to join her family in what seemed to be a hell of a good time. Studying could wait for the time being. It had been too long since she had seen Lightning so happy, and Rhea's enthusiasm was too big to be ignored. Snatching a metallic spoon, Elia began to sing as loudly as her lungs allowed her to, falling into an embrace she had dearly missed.
Maybe Rhea was right, after all. She hadn't really believed what she had told her, about Lightning telling Fang completely out of the blue she was in love with her, but something had changed. It was barely visible, to be quite honest, but Elia was no fool, and the smile on her mother's lips was different. It wasn't full, but it wasn't as tight as it usually was, and the light in her eyes sparkled more now than last month or even last year. But why now, of all times? What had changed in the last weeks that had made her mother realize something Elia was sure she'd never admit? The thought puzzled her, but for now, seeing her mother this happy was more than enough.
"Alright, alright girls," Lightning said at the end of the song, "I need to start cooking for the dinner in…Damn it, in three hours! Where has time gone?"
"Too busy thinking about…what, mom," Rhea asked with a smile she painfully tried to keep at a minimum.
"Mostly about the dinner tonight and hoping it will go well. Why'd you ask?"
"Oh no reason," Rhea answered before disappearing back inside her bedroom. Unclothing, she slipped inside her bikini and bolted back out with a towel in her hand, and her hair tied in a tight bun on top of her head. A few blonde strands fell into her eyes, ones she quickly cast away with a push of the hand.
Smiling, she walked past her mother and sister but abruptly stopped before exiting the living-room. "Oh, mom, by the way, did I tell you Charlotte was also coming?"
"You didn't, but I figured she might. Don't worry, I counted her in," Lightning said after a short sip of beer, "is she spending the night too?"
"Yeah, she is. And on Saturday…I wondered if you could like…Not be here?" She tried to convince her mother only with a smile, but the expression on her face indicated how hard she seemed to be failing. "I just want to invite a few mates, Charlotte, Clara, Sam and Josh to…you know, celebrate?"
"You said mates," Elia said with a whole-hearted laugh, "fun."
"Shut up," Rhea ground out with a glare in Elia's direction. "Mom, please? Pretty please?"
Batting her eyelashes, Rhea squeezed both of her fists whilst her mother was taking another swig of beer. But when Lightning smiled and nodded, all of her anxiety was replaced with utter joy, and it was without hesitating, or thinking twice, that Rhea stormed in her mother's direction to give her a warm, true hug.
"Ouch, careful, I'm still partly made of sugar." Releasing the pressure, Rhea pulled her mother's shirt up and glanced at the bandage covering the scar. "It'll heal, don't worry. And I'll find something to do on Saturday."
"Maybe call Alex," Elia suggested. She received a glare from Rhea in return but was quick to ignore it. She wanted to see her mother's reaction to spending time with Alex, and the look on her face was information enough.
"I'll think about it. I might give Serah a call."
Rhea tilted her head to the side, noticing how red Lightning's neck turned. But, decided to keep on investigating without being caught red-handed, she simply placed a kiss on her cheek, thanked her again, disappeared in the garden, tossed the towel on a long chair and immediately jumped inside the pool.
She stayed underwater for a few seconds, looking blurrily at her surroundings but was not surprised as her sister joined in the moment her head popped out of the water. "So. What are you going to do Rhea?"
"For now, I'm going to enjoy the sun, my birthday and tonight a great dinner. I'm going to make sure mom and mum sit next to each other."
"Face to face would be better."
"Why?"
Sighing, Elia tossed the towel next to her sister's and climbed down the ladder, shivering as the cold water touched her stomach. "Because it's harder to avoid eye-contact when the person is facing you. Look." She came close to her sister and stopped before her eyes. She stood there a few seconds and then went to her side. "See? You have to look on the side constantly to see me."
"Fair point." Glancing down, Rhea stared at her feet underwater. "I'm not stupid, I swear."
"I know you're not stupid, Rhea. Where's that coming from?"
Fumbling her thumbs, Rhea dived under the water and let out a silent scream. It had been a few days now and even a few weeks since she had gotten that impression. Actually, it had been the moment Elia had decided to take a job to keep herself occupied. It was a good thing, and Rhea was proud of her younger sister, but in comparison, Rhea felt like an idiot unwilling to take part of life.
Her mothers hadn't said anything, but she had seen how proud they were of their little girl. Managing to keep straight A's for as long as she could remember and continuing to do so even though she worked from four to six every day, and Saturday morning at the coffee place. It was jealousy, plain and simple, but Rhea couldn't keep it out of her head. For days, she had been meaning to talk to Elia, but with her own problems, she had always hesitated.
"Rhea," Elia said from above, "Rhea!"
Popping her head back out, Rhea rubbed her eyes and gazed at her sister. "Yeah?"
"What's going on?"
"Nothing, nothing's going on. It's fine." Swimming towards the edge, Rhea avoided the hand reaching for her shoulder and pushed herself out of the water. "Nothing."
In the past sixteen years, Rhea had heard her sister shout and scream out of frustration. She had seen her cry, she had seen her angry, she had seen her happy. But never had she heard her name being pronounced with such intense anger than today.
It resembled the roaring of a tiger, ready to attack its prey or defend its territory, but if one thing was certain, it was enough for her to turn around and stare at her with bulging eyes.
"What Elia, what the fuck?"
"I am so sick of people treating me like I'm broken! No one ever tells me what's wrong, but always what's right! So fuck you and tell me now what the fuck is wrong with you!"
"Language," echoed through the garden.
Confused and shocked, Rhea glanced from the kitchen back to her sister. Her lips had begun to tremble out of anger. Never had she seen Elia so outraged.
"What? There's nothing wrong Elia, take a chill pill!"
"Oh please! There's obviously something wrong, so just for once, please, tell me what's going on!"
"I just feel like an idiot Elia! You're so perfect with your grades, your stupid job! I see the way mom and mum look at me like I'm some sort of retard and I hate it!" Staring right back at Elia, Rhea threw both her hands in the air, snatched her towel from the long-chair and marched in direction of the living-room like a charging bull.
Not paying attention to her mother, who had gazed at the entire scene, Rhea pulled out a packet of cigarettes from her purse she had left on the sofa and stormed back in direction of the garden faster than ever. With a cigarette tucked between her lips and a lighter already providing a flame, Rhea inhaled a long drag and kept the smoke inside of her lungs for a short moment before blowing it all away.
Anger had never been something she enjoyed. She had felt it much too strongly against her mother because of her own pettiness and being angry towards her sister had never been her plan. But jealousy had a way to distort your feelings and make them worse than they were. She shouldn't have shouted. She knew it.
"Rhea?"
"What," she asked after another drag, turning her back on her sister. Breathing in, Rhea felt her sister's presence by her side but refused to look in her direction.
"Rhea…Don't believe any of this. Mom and mum are proud of you and you know it. I took the job because it stops me from…from doing everything wrong."
"Yeah but…I feel like I'm not worth it. Like I'm the reject of the family."
"Please! You think either of them worked in their teenage years," Elia asked as she positioned herself in front of Rhea, intent on looking at her in the eye. "They didn't do anything at all, and mom isn't entirely happy about it. She thinks it's too much, and that I don't need it. Mum just waves it off because she's too concerned about my health." Reaching out for her hand, Elia gave it a soft squeeze. "You're far from stupid. Believe me."
Glancing up from the ground, Rhea gazed in sister's green eyes. She smiled as her words sunk in and pulled her into a hug with her cigarette far from either of them.
"Rhea! Cigarette, now!" Lightning shouted from the terrace.
"Shit," she whispered under her breath.
"Well, that was pretty stupid."
Taking a drag from the cigarette, Rhea turned around and sauntered in direction of her mother with a pout on her face. Handing her the fag, she sighed and made her way back to the pool without an additional word. She glanced back at the end of the garden, observing as Elia hadn't moved a muscle, or only to turn around and gaze at the view. I'm such a selfish idiot, she thought with disdain.
Shaking her head ever so slightly, she pulled the towel off her body and tossed it back on a long-chair, facing back the clear water of the swimming pool. Elia was right, though. She wasn't stupid. After all, it was because of her that her mothers had managed to talk again, right?
Fang was standing in front of the door, ready to knock. But today, she was worried. Lightning loved her. Or still loved her, anyway. It had felt like a dream when she had said those words. She hadn't been able to respond right away, somewhat in shock and utter joy. How her eyes had shone when Lightning had talked, and how her heart had slowed down almost to a stop. It had been too good to be true.
But this time…Fang knew it had been real. It hadn't been like their kiss, quick and careless. It hadn't been like their fight, controlled by alcohol. This time, Lightning had meant each word. Or so she wanted to think. There was a part of her, dark and cruel, that had pushed her in the past days to mistrust her. But…It was Lightning. And she loved her. So why was it so hard to knock? God, she really hated herself sometimes. It was so easy to press her knuckles against the door, but she couldn't. She didn't want her dream to end. But…her dream had just begun and somehow, her nightmare had ended. So why not just knock?
"Hey Fang!"
Severely flinching, Fang turned around on the sole of her boots, nearly dropping the bottle of wine she had kept in her hand. She smiled at Charlotte and waved her hand in her direction. "Hiya Charlotte. Can't say I'm surprised to see ya here."
"Ha, yeah. I wasn't sure I was going to come, I figured Rhea'd want to be with her family."
"You are family now," Fang said with her biggest smile. "Ready?"
"Ready when you are!"
Chuckling, Fang faced the door and let her hand slam against the door three times in a row. With a deep sigh, she gazed at the handle being turned and felt her heart skipping a beat as Lightning welcomed them both. Truth be told, she looked stunning.
Wearing a red dress with her hair falling on her shoulder and black heels giving her an uncanny presence, Fang found it hard to breathe. She gazed inside her deep blue eyes, the make-up he had put on darkening her look in a way she noticed was hard to resist. How could this woman be forty-six, when she looked like thirty? Incapable of moving, Fang continued to stare. She stared at this woman, the one who, not long ago, had told her the words she had been dreaming to hear. She fought the frown as hard as she could, but it was no use. Lightning had already seen it.
"Fang? Everything…alright?"
"Yeah, right, sorry. I brought wine," she said, handing the bottle to Lightning. "Lot of people there already?"
"Vanille arrived ten minutes ago. Hey Charlotte!"
"Hey Miss Farron! It's nice to see you again."
"Charlotte, I told you to call me Lightning, you're making me feel old!"
Like that's possible, Fang thought to herself as she walked down the hallway. Immediately, her eyes wandered to Rhea chatting next to the living-room window, a big smile drawn on her lips.
"Mum!"
"Hey you! Happy birthday, honey," Fang said as she opened up her arms for a tight hug. "I wish you everything and more."
"Thanks mum! And don't worry, things are starting to look nice," Rhea said with a wink. Arching a brow, Fang followed her out of the room and out of the house, giving Elia and Vanille a kiss on the cheek.
The scent of Lightning's perfume immediately invaded her vicinity and focusing on anything else but her became increasingly harder. "I love you." The words resonated in her head and hadn't stopped for the past three days.
And I didn't even reply, she thought to herself, her gaze now lost in the void. I just…smiled. But what else was I meant to do? This isn't…This is fucked.
"Fang, you there?"
Fingers clicked before her eyes. Craning her neck to the right, she smiled at Vanille and wrapped her arm around her shoulders. "Hey sis. What's up?"
"Not much. We haven't talked much the last few days," Vanille said with a shrug, "I kinda miss you."
"Yeah, I know. Been doing a lot between the kids and work. Plus…" She stopped herself and shook her head. "Nah, never mind."
"What Fang? What is it?"
She smiled but shook her head once again. "Forget it, it's nothing. Want a drink?"
"Uh, yeah…Sure."
The look on Vanille's face made Fang's heart slightly ache, but this wasn't something she wanted to share. Not yet. She needed to understand her own feelings before being able to talk about them, and if Vanille ended up getting hurt, then so it would be. It hadn't been the first time secrets had been kept between them.
Going back inside the house, she greeted Snow and Serah who had now arrived and avoided looking in her elder daughter's direction seemingly busy chatting with her girlfriend…among other things. With a smile, she went to the kitchen and froze at the sight of Lightning standing still in front of the fridge with her phone glued at her ear. From there and also because Lightning whispered, Fang couldn't quite make anything of the conversation, but her tone was indication enough. Lightning was angry, and an angry Lightning wasn't a sight Fang was dying to see, or at least, not just yet.
"No, I don't want to talk about it anymore." Fang bit her lip and slowly backed up, her eyes closing as her butt came into contact with the piece of furniture she had forgotten existed. "I'll call you another time. Goodbye." Opening up one eye, Fang winced as her only eye locked with Lightning's blue one's, but surprisingly, they weren't dark. They sparkled with mirth. "Listening in?"
Scratching the back of her head, Fang slowly shook her head. "Nah. I saw you were on the phone so I wanted to leave before you believed it, actually."
"Ah, don't worry," Lightning said with a smile, a bottle of white wine in her hand. "Wine?"
"Please."
The clicking of the glasses on the island reminded her of the sounds of their past, when both of them were too tired to think because of two screaming children and excruciating work schedules. However, her smile grew double as she pictured them here, face-to-face, fifteen years ago.
"Serah please be careful with them," she heard Lightning say, her voice cracking with worriedness. "Call me if you need anything!"
"Light, stop freaking out, it's not the first time I'm taking care of them."
"Yeah Sis, we'll handle it."
"Snow, I'm very tired and scared, call me sis again and I'll shove my…"
Jumping in, Fang grabbed Lightning by the hand and pulled her away from the door. "Oookay! See ya tomorrow guys yeah? Bye!"
She watched as Serah nodded, winked and closed the door behind them both, finally leaving the two extremely tired mothers alone. Glancing to her right, she lifted up her hand and stroke Lightning's cheek, her blue eyes immediately drifting in her direction and strongly boring inside her own. The fear shimmering from them was heart-breaking to say the least, and Fang needed now more than ever, to keep her wife's mind distracted from any reminder of their daughter. This evening was for them, and no one else.
Squeezing her hand a little tighter in her own, she led them both towards the kitchen and after pointing a seat to Lightning, Fang snatched a bottle of white wine from the fridge, picked up two glasses and went on with delicately serving them both.
However, the worried look in her eyes and the clenching of her jaw had not disappeared. Giving her a small smile, Fang suddenly clicked her fingers together, rushed towards the living-room and came back with a radio and two different CD's she had made and had intended for Lightning to listen.
"So, ya know how I love music and all?"
"Yeah," Lightning answered, her voice trembling.
"Well…I made you…this." She pressed on the button and waited for the first song to start.
Not quite remembering which song she had put first, the first sound of guitar immediately rung a bell. With a smile, she gazed inside Lightning's eyes, the pain in them finally fading away ever so slowly only to be replaced by crinkling at their corners.
The song was Wonderwall from Oasis and was considered as a classic. And truth be told, it really was. The first time Fang had listened to this song, her first thought had immediately been for Lightning, her wife, her partner, her best-friend. Her everything. The only difference being that Fang knew Lightning had been the one to save her, just as she knew she had been the one saving her as well.
"You did this for me," Lightning shyly asked, her cheeks turning to flames.
"Of course. I know it's like a cliché, but I love you more and more each day…And I hadn't done the mix-tape yet."
She chuckled, and the sound was enough to bring goosebumps to her arms. "I love you Fang."
Coming closer, Fang pressed her lips against her wife's and slowly, she skirted around the counter of the kitchen. The kiss they shared was soft and filled with emotion and Fang refused to leave her lips. This is where hers belongs, now and forever. But after seven months of abstinence, it was her breathing that betrayed her body, and her body who betrayed her.
Grabbing Lightning by the nape of the neck, she pulled her closer, deepening the kiss for their tongues to touch, graze and meddle. She wanted all of her, right here, right now. And postponing it was no longer a suitable option.
"Fang," Lightning managed to breathe between two kisses, "Fang?"
"Yeah?"
"Take me. Please. Now."
Liquid Nitrogen couldn't have worked any faster. In an instant, Fang was leading Lightning back to their bedroom with a new-found vigor, her mind overloading with lust and desire. She pushed open the door and immediately spun around, pushing Lightning against the facing wall.
Staring inside her eyes, Fang did not hesitate to press her lips against her own again, her hands already snatching her t-shirt to take it off. There was no time to waste, and Fang craved feeling Lightning's naked body under her own. She wanted to touch her curves, to feel her skin, to listen to her breathing accelerating faster and faster. She wanted to make her hers all over again.
Lifting the shirt up and tossing it away in a corner of the bedroom, Fang took a step back and gazed at the wonderland in front of her. Lightning's skin was pale but the bra she had chosen was enough to understand that she too had thought of the exact same thing, and as Fang glanced back inside her eyes, the sheer hunger they reflected was enough for her knees to jerk.
"Fang. It's been seven months," Lightning ground out.
"What, I can't enjoy the view," she teased back, her smirk growing increasingly stronger.
Lightning frowned and took a step forward. She slowly began to push Fang backwards up until the point she found herself on the bed, her eyes at the ceiling. Looking down as her shoes were savagely ripped off her feet, her brows furrowed and with a hand behind Lightning's nape, Fang switched their positions without asking for permission and without second-guessing, unclipped the bra keeping her breasts prisoners.
Grinning at their sight, Fang slowly kissed her way down her neck and nibbled on her skin, her right hand already twirling around the hardening nipple. She squeezed it between her fingers and brushed its point with her thumb, listening as a soft moan escaped Lightning's parted lips and glancing up, it was all Fang could do not to viciously smirk as she continued her trail of kissing, her mouth landing on the second nipple, already harder than stone. Licking its top and continuing to graze the other with her fingers, Fang's own thighs suddenly became increasingly moist.
Lightning was right. It had been seven months. Looking up at her wife's face and catching a glance of her lustful eyes, Fang sneered and slowly lead her hand down her stomach, the feeling of Lightning's skin against her fingertips bringing her to a new state of oblivion but nevertheless, she continued her way until her fingers touched the button of her jeans. Immediately unbuttoning it, Fang slid her hand underneath her panties and was mesmerized by the warmth she was able to find.
"Fang… I might kill you."
"Kill me eh, Sunshine," she said, pushing herself back closer to her lips, "don't you want to wait first?"
"I'm starting to hate you."
"Hold that thought."
With a smirk, Fang pressed her lips against Lightning's once more and started to rub her finger between her legs and did not hesitate to slide one single finger inside of her.
The reaction was instantaneous, and Fang listened to her wife's moaning with delight. She pushed her finger harder between her legs and decided after a few seconds to add another one, Lightning's back arching over the mattress. Fang bit her lip at her sight, fighting as her own legs began to jerk over her, the need to be touched and savored increasing the more Lightning moaned.
"Kiss me," she panted, her eyes flickering open, "Kiss me, Fang."
She hadn't needed to be told twice. Instantly, their lips crashed against each other, teeth biting at their flesh. But Fang was far from over. Smirking, she lifted her head up and gazed at her wife's blue eyes before pressing a kiss against her neck, slowly making her way down her breasts, and started to nibble at its tip…
"Fang? Are you okay?"
Flinching and focusing her attention back on Lightning, Fang felt her cheeks burning like fire. "Uh, nothing."
"Do you still want wine," Lightning said, the bottle still in hand, no glasses poured.
"Hit me."
She watched as her glass was poured and instinctively crossed her legs. Why, why had her brain chosen this time to remember something like this?
"Alright, let's go back to the garden?"
Fang nodded, stood up and followed Lightning out of the kitchen, her footsteps heavier than usual. She was looking down at her feet, a weight crashing against her shoulders and pushing her further deep into the ground.
The doorway. She could see it now. She could perceive what held her back, what made her look back, and run away. What pushed her away. But what was one more door? What was one more challenge if it meant living happily ever after? What was fear when it faced something you knew you wanted. Desired more than anything else, even. Was this what is was, fear? Fear of being hurt again, fear of feeling the same pain, the same agony that had crept through her heart so long ago…Even though it felt just like yesterday.
Fear. It was such a stupid emotion embedded in humans. Fear had always held people back, fear of rejection, fear of heartbreak. Fear of losing someone, to see them slip away from your grip, from your mind. The fear of failing again and causing yet again more pain than necessary. fear of…feeling.
Feeling. Maybe that was the problem, in the end. Feeling meant being hurt times and times again. It meant falling and getting back up with an additional wound. It meant pain, and sorrow…But then again, what was life without feeling except for a lonely dark hole, where light was never allowed? What was life without feeling, if even happiness was oblivious to you? Fear was part of the spectrum. And she knew it all too well. Fear, she thought again, oblivious of her surrounding before looking around, her eyes watering with tears of regret.
Regret. There was another thing she hadn't been able to handle, that had devastated her more than once. Regrets. What were they, really? Events you had failed? Things you had screwed up? People you had hurt? People you hurt. Regrets were those little things that came back to hunt you at three in the morning, when you lied awake in your bed, wondering if you had done the right thing. Regrets were the things making you human, after all. Weren't they?
"Fang! We're waiting for you to toast!"
Looking to her left with heavily furrowed brows, her entire soul was shook at the sight of Lightning smiling in her direction. It brushed her heart and warmed her being fast and furiously. Yes. She loved her too. She had always loved her. Who even doubted it anymore?
Thank you for staying with me on this story. It's getting harder to write and it might still take a few more chapters to conclude the story, if not many, but thanks for sticking around. :) if you have remarks or anything my inbox is always open!
Peace