Chapter 21: The Jaguar

She had been out of the trees for around half an hour, Mercedes estimated, and was now on the open plains under the cover of a night sky riddled with stars. Until the sun rose, she would have to use the constellations to orient herself. The cold air stung her eyes and her breath and those of the horses came out as misty plumes whisked away on the wind. Her bare knuckles were already freezing and white from gripping the reins, while her braid tapped on her back like a clock counting down her hours to live.

Around her, gathered at the forest edge like leaves against a wall, were the still forms of the Titans like drunkards staring at the moon, and though occasionally one would reach out to touch her or look at her as she passed, by and large they paid her no mind. It was surreal, but a blessing. She and Hanji had taken one trip out here in the dead of night before to study them, knowing their activity died with the light and trying to hypothesize why, but it still caught her off guard. She raced through them and avoided them as much as she was able without getting off course.

Mercedes still wasn't one hundred percent sure whether she was aiming for Wall Rose. Jean asking that it not be the last time they saw one another – and her subsequent half-promise – weighed heavily on her mind, as did his accusation that her leaving was simply continuing to run away.

Jean, she thought, recalling his resigned face.

Was this obtaining freedom? What was freedom, exactly, in their world? Was leaving it all behind really the answer? Is that what her parents did, what they found, and why she never saw them again?

A vision of the old padlock on the door to their room, back in her grandmother's home, came to mind. How long had it hung there, watching over that expanse of answers as tirelessly as the moon watched over its constellations?

"Before Wall Maria fell, Amaranta and Léon Carello lived outside the Walls and once ran horses and other small supplies such as medicine and messages to the Survey Corps on expeditions," Erwin recalled telling Pixis. "They also explored the terrain and shared with the Corps what they saw, which would inform later expeditions and theories. They did it alone, without the maneuvering gear we have today and without belonging to a military division.

"Rumors also circulated that the Carellos, in particular Léon's mother Julia, influenced the creation of the 3D maneuver gear by Angel Aaltonen, since it was said that somehow they often successfully 'hunted' and killed Titans at night. We've been unable to verify this, as both Léon and Amaranta disappeared around twelve years ago and not even Julia knows what happened – or if she does, she's determined to take it to her grave. All she would say is that after five days of their absence, she gave up almost all of their horses and moved herself and Mercedes out of the family ranch and into Klorva, as Léon had instructed. Today, only their thoroughbred strain of horses that strengthens the bloodlines of those of the Survey Corps survives – and their daughter."

Dawn broke like a war over Mercedes, providing light and direction but also struggle. The more light there was, the more awake the Titans were and the faster the beat of her heart. She dodged and avoided as much as she could, but eventually it turned into outrunning them. With just her and the horses, even she had trouble remaining calm. She was less than a third of the way.

Some of the Titans gave up after a league or two of pursuit, but some were hungrier and more stalwart, or simply came too close for comfort. Since she couldn't afford to stop to deal with them with her maneuvering gear if it wasn't necessary, she had to resort to shooting at eyes or slashing Achilles' tendons or hamstrings while also dodging grabs and bites and swings and keeping the spare horse out of harm's reach. With her cold hands and the rough ride, reloading the rifles was a struggle. Luckily she hadn't seen anything over a twelve-meter class – or any Aberrants – yet.

All she could do was keep the rising sun on her right and pray to a god she didn't believe in.

You can do this, you can absolutely do this, she told herself.

Before morning had even shown its face, Jean had found a way to climb onto the roof of the chalet. He hadn't been able to sleep – like sleep would have been an admission of guilt even if he hadn't been plagued with visions of Mercedes every time he closed his eyes – and the only thing he felt capable of doing was waiting for the sun. As its crown crept toward the treetops, he wondered how far out she was. Every muscle in his body ached to steal a horse and ride after her, no matter how ridiculous it sounded. His only consolation was that soon, maybe the others would start looking for him and distract him with a patrol or a chore or even a lecture from Hanji – anything to take his mind off the fear and yearning growing in his gut.

Have faith in her. She can make it.

"Ms Car– Julia," Jean began. "Mercedes showed me her bangle and said it was a jaguar. I was wondering if you could tell me more about them?"

She had taken him to a picture hanging on the wall in the living area, pride of place above the mantle. "Large cats that once roamed the wild, before our world became Walls and greed and death. They were renowned for their stealth, opportunism and powerful bite, with their strength for their size also being notable. They'd hunt at mostly at dawn and dusk, stalking and then ambushing their prize, targeting the blind spot – often killing with a single bite that'd pierce through the skull and into the brain, which was very unusual. Didn't want to waste their energy until they were certain, I think. At any rate, they dominated any environment they found themselves in.

"They were solitary apart from the two years after a mother would have her cub – the cub would learn everything it could before breaking away to find its own territory. I used to joke to my son that Mercedes would pack up and leave us by the time she was two. Luckily that didn't happen.

"Nations revered them; warriors dressed in their skins to invoke their power. Some even believed it was the jaguar that gave man power over fire, or that they could cross between worlds. Our family even adopted them as our unofficial crest – or rather, others adopted them for us! But as with all things in our world, they too would die. No one's living that's seen one in the flesh, although I think Mercedes' parents hoped they would find one, back then. Sometimes I comfort myself with the thought that maybe they did, in the end. Maybe the jaguar symbolized their paradise, or heaven, or simply a lost part of themselves – a power over one's soul, a destiny, that few ever find."

Mercedes squinted in the midday sun, willing herself with all her strength to concentrate. She was being pursued by two eight- to thirteen-meter class Titans, with smaller ones coming in from the west, and it was time to change horses. The spare's gray pelt was now dark charcoal with sweat, even with the saddle-cloth, and Mercedes had already splashed the necks of both horses as best she could with one canteen of water. She was too anxious to drink herself. The spare was also beginning to slow and show other signs of becoming uncomfortable with her weight.

There was no way to stop. There was never going to be a way to stop.

As Mercedes reached behind her and tugged on the rope that tethered Sabine, bringing her alongside, her bangle glinted as it caught a glimpse of the light.

"This was my grandmother's," Julia had told her, "and likely her grandmother's before her. It carries the spirit of the world that was – a better world – inside it, and in it, hope for a new one. It has brought us luck, and now it will guard you."

Mercedes tucked her foot into Sabine's closest stirrup, swung herself over, and retied the tether to reverse the traveling order. The crazed yet absent gaze of the Titans bore down on her, quickening her breathing as she secured the knots. A hand got too close – her blades were out and slicing off fingers. She spun herself the right way round in her saddle and jabbed her heels into Sabine's sides, catapulting them almost gleefully forward out of harm's reach.

Julia led Bashka around the immediate yard at a meander as lazy as the afternoon sunshine, using him as support along with her broom. The sounds of the town rising around her acreage were pinpricked with birdsong and the horse's occasional huffs and grumbles. As she had done for much of their walk, she thought of Mercedes and how she and Sabine were the best of friends, like Julia herself and Bashka were now. The yard even had a well-worn bare earth circle tattooed into the grass from the millions of times Sabine and Mercedes had practiced tricks, canters and trots.

Julia paused their walk, and then with a smile to herself with the help of the fence, clambered onto Bashka's bare back. Using little more than her knees and a soothing hand, her broom held like a royal scepter, she guided them onto that circle and walked it, braceleting her memories and fears inside.

Léon… 'Mara… could you have known what your daughter would do? she thought. I sent her with my blessing to be the hunter, the jaguar you searched for, but I fear she has become the hunted. Wherever you are, guide her back to me. I beg you.

Mercedes' breaths through her gritted teeth were as heavy as Sabine's and almost as rapid as her footfalls. The sun was beginning to dip to the west, to her right, and after what felt like forever she could finally see Wall Rose on the horizon, gleaming like the rim of a glass – about a third of the way to go. It was small consolation.

She had been forced to cut the tether when the spare horse had been grabbed, and with it her spare rifle. That was half an hour ago that felt like both a lifetime and a few seconds, with the terrified whinnying and crunch of its bones as it was thrown echoing around in her head. Mercedes had hunkered down to Sabine's neck to streamline them, but it hadn't lasted long upon the appearance of an Aberrant. She had to exert valuable time and energy to incapacitate it by dancing through its gait, slashing like a madwoman at its hands and carving deep into its legs, Sabine dancing out of the way of its grappling fall and the embrace of other Titans that had crowded around them before sprinting off.

Despite Mercedes' best efforts, fear – a real fear – was beginning to consume her body, beginning with her feet and slowly traveling up her legs. If anything happened to her horse, she was done for. If another Aberrant appeared that was just a few seconds faster than they were, she was done for. Her eyes began to sting from something other than the wind, and the beginnings of sounds were slipping out of her mouth during ducks or veers.

I don't think I can do this. What was I thinking?

Mercedes began to weave them through the nearly-flattened remains of a settlement she remembered passing when she transferred.

Jean, I'm so sorry. You said I had to make it, but…

Sabine leapt over a low wall, her back hooves toppling a few stones.

The memory of his face, how he smiled at her, the way he'd taken her in his arms, the time he'd found her injured and called her name. You knew I would do this. Did you let me go because you knew I'd come back to you? How could you know something about me that I didn't?

Jean had tasked himself with the laundry – his least favorite chore – as a sort of penance. It had only partially worked to distract him, but at least he was alone and oddly, the others had been content to let him remain so for the last few hours he'd taken it on. The wind had picked up without bringing in clouds to diminish the brightness of the day – a bitter brightness, like the taste of a lemon, that seemed to mock him – and while also practical for drying, was cathartic.

He finished hanging the last of it, and stood in the middle of the aisles of gleaming sheets that waved violently like tethered flames. They buffeted against him and turned his surroundings into a blinding mirage. As he turned on the spot, through them he thought he glimpsed first Mercedes, then Marco, and even when he tore his way closer they were just out of reach. He realized tears were gathering in his eyes.

I hate this – this battle I can't fight. Marco, I'm sorry. I couldn't help it. I can't see my life without her. Please watch over her as you watch over me, and I promise you I'll be good to her. I'll look after her for you – I'll be everything you wanted to be for her. Just – don't let her give up.

Mercedes wasn't sure if they were still riding, anymore, or whether she truly was following the eastern portion of Wall Rose. All her exhausted brain and desperate heart was certain of was that the sun was setting behind the Wall, casting a huge veil over their progress to the point that her horse melted underneath her to become shadow. Maybe she was running, instead, and maybe the sounds she heard weren't protective cannon fire but the hammerings of her heart trying to flee her body.

She had stopped looking back. Were Titans still pursuing her? Were they going to intercept her from the east? It barely mattered. She hadn't stopped. Could she stop? Why was she even here?

Mercedes looked up at the crisp black edge of the Wall where it met the fierce magenta- and plum-streaked blood of the sky. Atop it, alongside her, she could swear ran a lone horseman – or maybe the world had been turned upside-down and it was her shadow, cast infinitely, impossibly upward, tethering her to heaven.

"If she chooses humanity over herself and rides to Wall Rose, makes it to Utopia, rather than turning away and disappearing from all of us, including herself – she will have won. The Carellos raised a jaguar – she has simply forgotten it."