Welcome to chapter 21, my dear, dear, dear readers! I know where I ended the last chapter was a source of frustration to many of you, so I decided to heed your pleas and get this chapter out as quickly as possible. Consequently it's a bit shorter in length, but I hope not lacking in content.
I had several wonderful responses to my request for art for this story, and I've posted links to their dA profiles on my profile. Go check them out! My current avatar was drawn by the amazing ebjeebies.
Also, special thanks to Bakachild since I couldn't respond by PM. I love your wordiness. It makes me feel special. I also love your new double/triple-review policy, and I hope you did well on your AP test. I remember clearly what a pain in the butt those were to take. And thank you, thank you, thank you for all your support. I hope you had an amazing birthday. I think you and my younger brother might actually share the same day.
Today's mini-history lesson:
Nihon Shoki: Written in the early Heian period, this is one of the central texts of Shintō. Not central like the Bible is central to Judeo-Christian faiths, but central in that it lays the mythological foreground for a lot of Shintō belief. Also contains accounts of the court during the period.
Nenju necklace: In the series it is sometimes called the kotodama nenju because of the words that activates it. It is the necklace the Kaede gives to Kagome at the beginning of the series to put on Inuyasha in order to control him. It is made of magatama and mala beads.
The pearlescent gray light of early dawn streamed through Kagome's window, sliding across her closed eyelids. Slowly her eyes flickered open and she blinked lethargically in the early glow of a new day.
For long moments she lay, suspended pleasantly somewhere between reality and dreams, her mind blank. Eventually, though, it occurred to her to wonder when and how she had gotten back to her room. A frown creased her brow.
Vague images of Midoriko and a youkai horde and Inuyasha and a mass of courtiers surfaced, but they were hazy at best. How much of it was real? How much of it was a dream?
She made an attempt to sit up, but her body protested the movement. Her muscles felt as sore as if she had run for days on end, just the way they always did after she overexerted herself spiritually. So the parts concerning Midoriko and the youkai horde were real, at least.
But there was something else after that, something that took shape much more reluctantly in her mind. Inuyasha had been there…they had been in this room together…
Her eyes swept the length of the room, but if he had been there, there was no sign of him now. Kagome's frown deepened. The harder she tried to recall the details of what had happened, the more elusive they became, images and sounds dissolving into a haze. Perhaps it really was no more than a dream.
The clattering of the shoji door on its hinges drew her attention, the screen sliding open to reveal Chūsei. The woman paused in the doorway, her eyes widening as they met Kagome's.
A grin lit her face and she hurried into the room, only perfunctorily observing shoji etiquette in her haste. She came to kneel beside the futon, placing a helping hand on Kagome's back as she struggled to sit up and greet her.
"I'm so glad to see you awake, Kagome-sama," she said, relief thickening her voice. "The way you were sleeping…you seemed dead to the world. Can I get anything for you? Something to eat? Tea?"
Kagome shook her head, smiling at the woman despite the ache in her muscles that even just the act of sitting up caused.
"I'm sorry to have worried you," she said. "How long was I asleep?"
"Nearly a day and a half now," Chūsei replied, peering into her face to make certain she looked well. "His Majesty instructed me to keep checking in on you to make certain your condition didn't worsen, and he said you would likely be tired for quite some time. I suppose it's no real wonder, though, considering what you helped to do. The whole court is still in awe over it."
Kagome blinked, surprised both at how long she had slept and the sudden sinking feeling in her stomach at the mention of the hanyou.
"Inu-…the Tennō-sama was here?" she asked.
"His Majesty brought you here after the battle at the gate finished," Chūsei replied. "I think his Majesty intended to stay until you awoke to make certain that you were alright, but something called his Majesty away in a hurry after an hour or so. Loose strings to tie up after all of that chaos, no doubt."
The sinking feeling deepened in the pit of Kagome's stomach, but the source of it continued to hover just out of reach. She bit her lip, concerned that she was forgetting something important.
"Are you alright, Kagome-sama?" Chūsei asked, sweeping the fringe of her hair aside to press a hand to the village girl's forehead. "You look pale. Are you certain I can't get you something to eat?"
"How…what did his Majesty look like, when he left?" Kagome asked, meeting the older woman's eyes searchingly. "Did…was his Majesty…alright?"
Chūsei's brow furrowed slightly at the strangeness of the question. Her lips pursed thoughtfully as she considered it.
"Brusque," she said at last. "His Majesty was brusque…and a bit terse. And his Majesty seemed to be in quite a hurry. I merely assumed the Tennō-sama had urgent matters to attend to after all that went on. Why? Do you think something is the matter?"
"No, no," Kagome said, waving off her concern. "I just…want to make certain his Majesty is alright. The Tennō-sama expended a good deal of energy in creating the barrier, and then went off to fight the youkai, as well. I just hope his Majesty didn't overexert himself."
Silently she lamented that Chūsei's description of the hanyou was entirely unhelpful. He was always brusque and terse and rude and eager to get away from anyone he was not well acquainted with. Even with people he was well acquainted, for that matter. But perhaps that simply meant he was the same as ever.
Yes, that must be it. He was fine and she was worried over having overslept at such an important time. The knot in her stomach eased a bit.
"How has the court been since the attack?" Kagome asked, deciding it best to shift her attention to more important matters.
A wide grin stretched the length of Chūsei's round features, her eyes gleaming.
"I've been getting non-stop reports from the servants since it happened," she said, obviously very well pleased with herself. "A good number of the courtiers were at the gates to witness the whole thing-everyone was curious when they saw the guardsmen and the taiji-ya all suited up and heading that way- so thankfully there's little they can do to deny what his Majesty's managed to do."
"It's always been a favorite critique among the courtiers that his Majesty wasn't able to form a barrier like those who ruled before him. They took it to mean that his Majesty was too weak to protect them, and certainly too weak to rule them. Well, there's no talk of weakness now, I'll tell you."
"The previous Tennō, may their souls inhabit peaceful places, took time to form their barriers. Days, weeks, months for some. I suppose creating one big enough to cover the entire court just takes preparation. But his Majesty did it in all of just a few minutes. Just boom, and there it was!"
She spread out her arms in and expanding gesture, as if to illustrate the creation of the barrier. A grin tugged at the corners of Kagome's lips as she watched the excitement illuminate the woman's features.
"Anyway," Chūsei continued, her hands returning to her lap. "From the reports I've been brought of some of the clans, the response has been favorable. The clans inclined to support his Majesty before have even more reason to. His Majesty saved them from what might have been a massacre, after all. And those still inclined to oppose his Majesty are much more reluctant to do so, now that they realize it's no weakling they'd be going up against if they chose to rebel. And as far as claims from the courtiers go of the illegitimacy of his Majesty's right to rule, there's little ground left for them to stand on on that count."
The grin had stretched until Kagome was beaming, bolstered by the good news. She had known the creation of the barrier would work to Inuyasha's advantage, but she had not realized to what extent. She could scarcely wait to meet with the hanyou and discuss everything.
"Oh!" Chūsei exclaimed suddenly.
She reached into the front of her robes, drawing forth a folded piece of parchment. She handed it to Kagome.
"I was so glad to see you awake that I nearly forgot," she said. "This was delivered yesterday from his Majesty, to be given to you when you woke up."
Kagome eyed the piece of parchment in her hand, a chill stealing over her. The thing itself looked innocuous enough, but the knot in her stomach tightened once more. She wondered at her own unease as she hesitated, reluctant to open the note.
"It's chilly in here," Chūsei said softly, seeing the younger woman's discomfort plainly. "I'll go fetch you some hot tea, alright, Kagome-sama?"
Kagome nodded, her eyes flickering away from the parchment for a brief moment to offer the serving woman a weak smile of thanks. Somehow she felt she would rather be alone to deal with whatever was to come next.
Chūsei bowed and left the room silently.
Kagome stared down at the scrap for several long moments, trying to convince herself it was silly to be so apprehensive over something so small. For all she knew it was just Inuyasha reminding her that she was still under confinement, or any number of other little things.
Something told her this was not the case.
Taking a steadying breath, Kagome opened the note.
There were only a handful of lines scrawled in Inuyasha's messy but improving hand:
Arrangements have been made. You'll leave in a week when I've finished drawing up a something you can offer to the villages in return for allegiance. The confinement's been revoked. Take guards if you go out.
Kagome stared blankly down at the words. The chill she had felt before overwhelmed her now, her hands numb where she gripped the note.
Everything came back to her in a rush. Her exhaustion and confusion and confession. Her pained plea and his short response.
Oh kami, what she'd revealed to him…Kagome let the note slip from her grasp, her hands falling to clench in the fabric of her blankets.
No wonder she had not wanted to remember. It was shameful, the way she had broken down and burdened him with her feelings. After working so hard to keep them from him, to keep him from seeing her weakness, she had betrayed herself and him under the strain of a moment. She gritted her teeth against a sob she could feel welling in her throat.
And his note…it was cold. There was no trace of him in it, no hint of how he might be feeling. The language was distant, perfunctory and uncolored by his usual rough manner. He had not even bothered to sign his name, nor her own. Had she not recognized the hand it was written she would have doubted Inuyasha had written it at all.
But he had. He was dismissing her, putting her and her feelings away from himself entirely. And it hurt.
She knew she had asked to go. She knew she needed to go. And it still hurt.
Kagome swiped fiercely at the tears tracking down her face, cursing herself. Perhaps it was not too late. She could tell him that she had simply been exhausted and had ended up saying something she did not mean at all. She could take it all back and they could go back to normal.
…But could she really do that? Even if she could convince him that everything she had said was nothing more than the ramblings of an exhausted mind, could she continue to stand beside him and pretend she felt nothing? Pretend that it did not hurt her to be so close to him and yet know that he belonged entirely to another woman?
Kagome knew that she could not. Sooner or later she would crack under the strain again and the next time might be far worse, for her and for him.
It wasn't about her. It wasn't even entirely about him. It was about Japan and its people. She needed to find that focus again, and she needed time and space to be able to do it. Perhaps what she had said had been the rash impulse of a moment, but she couldn't take it back now. She needed to press forward.
A light tapping at the shoji startled her.
"Kagome-sama?" Chūsei called tentatively. "I have tea, and I brought food, as well, in case you're hungry."
Kagome released a shaky breath, swiping at her cheeks with the sleeves of her yukata to dry them. She picked up the note resting in her lap, a pang going through her once more at the sight of those distant kanji.
Decisively she folded it until it was no more than a small square, tucking it away into the front of her robes.
It was time to start moving on.
"Come in."
Kagome spent that second day of the week she had left in the court recuperating (her first had passed while she was yet asleep), her body dictating that there would be no vigorous physical activity. She got from Chūsei further reports on what was happening within the court, took a short walk in the gardens to at least begin to shake the ache from her limbs, and made a list of all of the things she needed to take care of before departing.
Thankfully by the second day she felt well enough to go out into the court and with the confinement lifted she was free to move about as she pleased. So she dressed early that day and set out with two guards at her side.
Despite the early hour there were a number of courtiers already milling about in the streets. Many paused to watch as she went past. Some even approached, wishing to speak with her. The guards tried to keep them away at first, but Kagome assured them it was alright. She doubted that anyone would attempt anything in the broad light of day with a guard practically stuck to either side of her.
Mostly they wanted to congratulate her on her part in what had happened at the gates, or to thank her for helping the Tennō-sama to create the barrier. She deflected all of this, laying the credit solely at Inuyasha's feet. She assured them that the barrier was all his own, entirely his creation.
Some pledged their loyalty before her. Others wanted to touch her robes, as if they might offer some blessing. Yet others asked her when his Majesty intended to resume coming out into the court.
Eventually she made her way to the Tachibana residence, feeling both pleased and dissatisfied by turns as she entered. It was good to see such a positive reaction to what had happened, but there had to be some way to clear up the fact that it had all been Inuyasha's doing. If the barrier was not solely his own, then it would give the courtiers another detail to pick at.
Of course he could solve that problem easily enough by going out into the court and speaking about it as he had done before with his 'strolls'. Obviously, though, he had not been out since the incident.
Kagome wondered if she should send him a note asking him to resume the practice. She wondered what had made him stop them in the first place. Certainly he would get a much more positive reception now than he ever had before.
She tucked those musings away for another time as she reached the small hall in the back of the Tachibana residence which held all of the clan's weapons. The servant at the door had informed her that Sango would be there.
Surely enough she was, seated in a far corner of the wide room with her wakizashi in her lap. She was polishing the small, sharp blade, examining it closely to make certain that the edge did not need sharpening. An array of other weapons were lined up and front of her as if she were taking inventory.
"Sango-sama," Kagome called as she stepped into the room, pleased to see her friend after what felt like a long time.
Sango looked up, a bright smile blooming across her face at the sight of her dear friend. She sheathed the wakizashi in one smooth motion and rose to greet her, Kagome making her way across the room to meet her in the middle. There was a slight stiffness to the noblewoman's gait that Kagome noticed as she came.
"Kagome-chan!"
Sango threw her arms around the smaller girl, embracing her warmly. Kagome returned the hug with equal enthusiasm.
"I'm so glad to see you up and about," Sango said, pulling back to arm's length to get a better look at her. "I caught a glimpse of you once after the fighting was over and you were out cold. I tried to go to you, but his Majesty carried you off before I could reach you."
Kagome's smile faltered slightly, but she quickly shook it off. She noticed once more that Sango seemed to be carrying herself strangely, her hips angled so that she took all of her weight on her left side.
"What about you?" Kagome asked, recalling a snippet from her conversation with Inuyasha when she had woken the first time after the fight. "Are you alright? Your leg…"
Sango's smile turned sheepish and she shifted self-consciously, forcing her weight back onto both legs. There was a flash of a grimace across her features, but that was the extent of the discomfort she would allow herself to show.
"It's nothing," she said, waving a hand dismissively. "Truly. Hardly a bruise. A youkai caught me off my guard during the fight, but…Miroku-sama came to my rescue."
A light flush colored her cheeks at the mention of the houshi's name, her gaze sliding to the floor between them. Kagome grinned despite her concern.
"Are you certain you don't want me to look at it?" Kagome offered. "I can likely heal it for you, if it's hurting. It shouldn't take long at all."
Sango shook her head, the blush deepening.
"No, no," Sango said. "I couldn't ask you to. You must still be tired after what happened at the gate, and I don't want to exhaust you. Besides…."
She murmured something so lowly that Kagome could not catch it, her blush spreading all the way to the tips of her ears.
"What was that, Sango-sama?"
Sango glanced up at her from beneath her lashes, her embarrassment obvious.
"I said, Miroku-sama has been coming every day to check in on me," she reiterated lowly.
The unspoken 'so there needs to be something for him to check in on' did not escape Kagome. Her smile widened and she shook her head, unable to keep from being amused at her friends' antics. They were so very close, but when it came to their feelings for one another they both seemed to have a colossal blind spot.
"I'm certain Miroku-sama would come to check in on you even if you were not injured," Kagome said.
Sango looked up at her, her eyes tentatively hopeful. Kagome nodded, and a grin crept shyly across the noblewoman's face.
"Yes, well…"
She turned suddenly, pressing her hands together in a businesslike manner and effectively putting that conversation to rest.
"I am nearly ready, I think," Sango said. "I was just checking some of my gear to make certain it is all in prime condition. The servants have begun packing for me and-"
"Wait, ready for what exactly, Sango-sama?" Kagome interrupted.
Sango turned back, blinking at her bemusedly.
"For the trip out to the villages, of course," she replied. "Have you not started preparing yet? We leave in just a few days, Kagome-chan."
"You're coming with me?" Kagome said, her eyes widening. "But…how? I didn't think anyone even knew I was going yet."
"The Tennō-sama sent word just yesterday morning. His Majesty assigned Miroku-sama and myself to go with you, along with a few members of my clan. The Tennō-sama did not tell you?"
Kagome shook her head.
"No," she replied. "I was coming to tell you that I would be leaving, and to ask if you might accompany me."
"Well, it seems as if his Majesty has already taken care of everything for you. Of course, I would have come with you whether or not I was ordered to," Sango said, pleased at the idea that he friend had thought to come to her.
Kagome offered her friend a smile, though for a moment her mind was occupied with the hanyou. Had he made arrangements to get her out of the court more quickly, or was this his parting act as her avowed protector? She couldn't be certain. Perhaps it was both.
She pushed those thoughts away. Neither answer would really satisfy her anyway.
"There is something else I wanted to discuss, Sango-sama," she said.
Sango's brows lifted expectantly.
"I wanted to make certain that taiji-ya from your clan are in place around his Majesty before we go," Kagome said. "I saw that some are among his Majesty's personal guard already, but I wanted to make certain that we replace the entire unit with those you know to be loyal."
"Are you concerned for his Majesty's safety?" Sango asked, frowning. "There have not been threats towards his Majesty, have there? I had thought the mood in the court seemed quite good after what happened with the youkai horde."
"No, nothing like that," Kagome replied, waving a dismissive hand. "There's nothing in particular to be concerned over. I just…I want to make certain that his Majesty has nothing to worry about before I leave, is all."
Sango's eyes sharpened on the village girl's face, catching something in her expression. Kagome lowered her eyes, avoiding the older woman's scrutinizing gaze.
The truth was guilt ate at her. She needed to leave, she had perfectly good reasons for it, but she was nevertheless breaking a promise. Inuyasha's words during their fight, his protest that she had promised to stay with him, echoed in her ears. She was breaking her promise.
The least she could do, then, was to make certain that she did all she could for him before leaving. If she could at least leave him with everything organized, every detail taken care of, then perhaps the hanyou might not hate her by the time she returned.
Assuming, of course, that he did not hate her already…
A gentle hand on her shoulder cut those thoughts short. Kagome met her friend's concerned gaze.
"I promise I will have it done for you before we set out. I will hand pick the rotations and put someone in charge of them that I am certain I can trust," she said, pressing her shoulder reassuringly. "And I will make certain to confirm with his Majesty, as well, so that there can be no misunderstandings. But…are you alright, Kagome-chan? You look…exhausted."
Kagome frowned, surprised. After more than a full day's time spent resting she had thought that her appearance would at least be back to normal.
But, no. The earnest concern in Sango's face was for something much deeper than the mere appearance of exhaustion. Kagome smiled slightly, touched despite herself by her friend's ability to read her so well.
"Things…things with the courtier have gone worse than I expected," Kagome offered softly, knowing that Sango would understand the oblique reference.
It took a moment, but the way that Sango's expression crumbled after a moment told Kagome that she had understood indeed. She hurriedly gathered the village girl up in her arms, pressing her close. Kagome did not resist the gesture, though she bit her lip hard in a valiant attempt to hold back the tears that pricked up in her eyes.
"Oh, no. Oh, Kagome," Sango crooned. "So that's what it is. What happened, Kagome? What did he do to you? I swear, I will…"
"No, no," Kagome cut her off, interrupting whatever violent plans for revenge her friend might be forming. "He…he didn't do anything to me. He was nothing but kind to me. Maybe that's why it feels so awful. I…told him how I felt. I knew nothing could come of it, but I…"
She trailed off, shrugging within Sango's embrace. Drawing in a deep breath, she swallowed back the tears threatening. In the past two days she had cried more than she deserved to considering it was no one's fault save her own.
"Kagome," Sango murmured softly, leaning her back just enough to look into her eyes. "Oh, Kagome. That was very brave of you. Truly. Even if nothing comes of it, it is better to have said it. Even if you feel that you regret it right now, I am certain with time you will be glad. It would be far worse to continue allowing it to eat at you as you have been doing."
"And what of you, Sango-sama?" Kagome returned quietly, meeting the older woman's gaze.
Sango blinked.
"What-?"
"Certainly you are braver than I," Kagome pressed, taking hold of her friend's shoulders. "Will you continue to allow your feelings to eat at you while praising me for voicing mine?"
Sango flushed, frowning.
"Kagome, that is…" she floundered, lowering her gaze. "The Houshi-sama and I…it is a different matter entirely."
"Only in that there is hope for you and Miroku-sama," Kagome said. "Please, Sango-sama, if you would only speak to him, tell him how you feel, I'm certain he would not reject you. He…never mind. I just…I want the both you to be happy. Someone should be around here. And I know that you two would be happier together than you both are now."
Sango shook her head, pulling away gently.
"Kagome, I cannot-"
"Please, Sango," Kagome said. "Just consider it. I want you to be happy. I need someone to be happy. The two of you will have plenty of time together once we set out. Just think about it. For me."
Sango glanced up at her, the resolute resistance in her jaw softening a degree. She released a small sigh.
"Fine," she relented. "I will promise to consider it. On one condition."
She held up a finger, illustrating the one condition. Kagome nodded readily, waiting for her to continue.
"I want you to promise me to think not only of the happiness of others, but of your own, as well," Sango said firmly. "I know you would much rather focus on the people around you, but…sometimes I cannot help but feel that you are only too ready to give over your own happiness. As if it is not important. As if you are not important. And it saddens me to see it. As much as you want for me to be happy, don't you think that I want the same thing for you?"
Kagome frowned, hesitating. Her eyes slid away from Sango's.
"What…what if happiness simply isn't a part of that path that I am supposed to walk?" she said at length.
A beat of silence stretched between them.
"Then I will find a different path for you," Sango said with unexpected fierceness. "But do not expect me to sit back and watch you sacrifice yourself, Kagome! Before…before you came to the court, I knew what my life was going to be. The same as my mother's life. The same as her mother's life. Not a bad life…just the same life. The same life that everyone in the court seems to lead."
"And then you were here, thinking differently and speaking differently and putting so much effort into everything. And I began to think that things might change. That I could change them, if I chose to. That perhaps I could have a part in choosing who I was to be, rather than simply accepting the life that I had been born to."
"So don't you dare think that I will simply allow you to sit back and accept some sad notion of fate that has taken hold of you after all that you have given to me. I will find you a new path, and I will drag you down it every step of the way if I have to!"
Sango's lower lip trembled slightly, her eyes bright and fervid behind the sheen of tears as she met Kagome's wide-eyed gaze.
"Sango…"
"You can worry about changing the world," Sango pressed on, swiping at the tears beginning to track down her pale cheeks. "But I am going to worry about you. I will not allow you to be the one who has to suffer for everyone else, do you hear me?"
Kagome nodded, rushing forward to embrace her friend once more. Sango's arms came up around her immediately, and the two clung there together for long moments.
No one save her family and Kaede-sama had ever cared so deeply about her welfare, Kagome reflected as she pressed her face to her friend's shoulder. And she knew Sango. She knew that the noblewoman meant every word of it, and that she would fight until the end for her. It was such a warm feeling, soothing away some of the ache of the past few days and weeks.
"You are the dearest, strongest friend that ever was," Kagome murmured feelingly. "How could anyone fail to be happy knowing that you are on their side?"
Sango squeezed her more tightly, sniffling.
"We have a promise, then?" Sango murmured, her voice slightly roughened by tears. "We both will do some serious thinking, right? And we'll both be happy. Together we will be happy."
Kagome nodded, a small smile tugging at her lips.
"It's a promise. Together, we'll be happy."
Kagome spent the remainder of the day with Sango going over her choices for Inuyasha's personal guard as well as marking out a few central places that they both felt should be periodically patrolled. Once they had discussed everything to their mutual satisfaction, Sango quickly wrote it all down and asked a servant to deliver it to the Tennō-sama. Once he approved it everything would be in place.
Kagome had intended to visit Miroku and Shippou to speak with them about the trip as well, but as Sango assured her they were already in the midst of packing she decided against it. She would see them when it was time to set off, and there were still a great number of things she needed to make sure were seen to before then.
Instead she returned to the former Chūgū's residence to confer with Chūsei. She had already asked the woman to begin confirming her connections to servants within the various clan houses and they sat together well into the night discussing the servants that Chūsei had convinced to help her. Surprisingly there were a great many who were willing, and the network she had managed to form extended quite a way.
Sadly, though not surprisingly, Chūsei had been unable to get hold of any servant within the main residence of the Taira clan. Kagome wished that she knew where exactly the wolf Lord had gotten to that she might discuss that matter with him, but there was no helping it for the moment. She would simply have to find another way of keeping track of them in his absence.
Chūsei had managed to find a number of servants within the main Minamoto residence, though, which was encouraging. Though they were nowhere near as vocal in their opposition to Inuyasha as the Taira, Kagome remembered well their ambivalence towards his rule. As one of the remaining three primary clans of the court it would be vital to keep track of them for the time being.
Initially they drew up a list of the servants, but after a bit of thought Kagome decided to burn it. There was a great deal of risk involved in what they were doing, and she thought it far better that there be as little physical evidence of it as possible. She instructed Chūsei to follow her lead and to only communicate with the servants and give reports in person.
Of course, the only person that Kagome trusted to receive Chūsei's reports was Inuyasha himself. Which created a bit of a dilemma for her, considering that she could not simply send him a note to inform him of everything. No, it would require a face to face conversation, something that she did not feel at all equal to.
She added it to her list of things to do, making certain to place it at the very end.
The following day Kagome spent doing what she had become accustomed to doing the previous week: strolling about the court. The morning before she had left to see Sango she had asked a few of the servants with whom she was well acquainted in the Chūgū's residence to do her the favor of going about the court and making it known that she would be out and about the next day.
She gave the hanyou credit for having come up with such an easy, informal way to spread information throughout the court while addressing its concerns, and she intended to make full use of it.
A great number of courtiers approached her in the course of her walk, more even than when she had accompanied Kikyou and Inuyasha. Many of them had questions for her about the what had happened at the northern gate, which she made certain to answer by giving Inuyasha his full due. Some wished to ask for favors, minor healings and blessings. These she made a list of, intending to try to take care of them before she had to leave.
A handful of the courtiers who approached, though, seemed only to want to test her. They questioned her about her knowledge of Shintō, of the kami, of the court, of foreign affairs. Anything, it seemed, that they could think of. Kagome answered as eloquently as she could manage, determined not to prove herself the weak piece in Inuyasha's armor.
She also made certain to tell every courtier that approached her of her impending departure. She informed them she would be going out on an assignment from the Tennō-sama to visit residences outside the court and assure their protection, as well.
She was purposefully vague, well aware that there would be a good deal of sentiment in the court against bringing the villages into a closer relationship with the capital. Especially considering that they would be coming in in direct support of Inuyasha.
They were surprised at the news, obviously having heard nothing of it beforehand. The thought crossed Kagome's mind that Inuyasha might have been trying to protect her by keeping her movements secret. With a pang she wondered if perhaps he would be angry with her for spreading the word herself.
Still, though, she thought it better that she do it than not. Sooner or later her disappearance from the court would become apparent. When the time came it would seem suspicious if nothing had been said by way of explanation, and the last thing that Inuyasha needed was rumors growing up around her departure.
Certainly the guard he had provided for her would be enough to protect her from anything the courtiers could possibly dream up to hinder her. Besides which she made certain to give no details as to the route she planned to take, so as to avoid any chance of being followed.
By the end of what turned out to be almost a day-long walk, Kagome was certain that the entire court would soon know of her impending departure. She returned to the former Chūgū's residence satisfied, if exhausted, and went early to bed.
Despite her fatigue and the worrisome fact that her list of things to accomplish before departing seemed to be growing, Kagome found herself vaguely grateful for all of the activity that loomed before her as she lay down that night. All of the pressing practical considerations served to keep her from having to think too much on…more difficult matters. Matters that she knew she could not afford to dwell on, lest she begin to falter once more.
She could not afford to falter now. For the sake of the villages. For his sake.
"Obviously you think this news valuable enough for you to keep life, or else you would not have contacted me so soon after such a grievous failure, Kagura."
Tense silence followed the words. There was not even the sound of breathing in the darkness.
"I suppose," the male voice drawled, dragging out the word with painful slowness. "That I can continue to allow you your pitiable existence. At least for the time being. It would be inconvenient to have to find a replacement for you within the clan. Now, what do you say, Kagura?"
Another tense beat of silence.
"…Thank you, Naraku-sama," a female voice grated, the words dragged forth unwillingly.
"Now, then," the male voice continue smoothly, as if she had not spoken. "You do not know the day she is set to leave?"
"No, Naraku-sama. She announced today that she would be leaving, but she was careful not to reveal when. She's at least sharp enough to suspect she might be followed, if not to simply remain where she is."
"Now, Kagura, never criticize the mistakes of your enemy," the man chided coolly. "They will always work to your advantage. And it is no matter. I will speak to the boy. Sooner or later she is bound to go there, and he will be awaiting her when she does. In the meantime I will expect you to begin moving in the court once more. Perhaps with her absent, you might actually be able to become an effective tool once more."
The gritting of teeth was nearly audible.
"…Yes, Naraku-sama."
Kagome went early the morning of the next day to the Chūwain, her breath coming in misty puffs as she climbed the steep steps towards the temple. She tucked her arms deeper into her sleeves, grateful for the shawl she had thought to wrap around her head before setting out. The day was a particularly cold one.
She winced at the biting cold of the water as she went through the motions of purification, the tips of her fingers thoroughly numb by the time she came to bow before the shimenawa. All was silence across the temple grounds, and she was pleased to find she had come early enough to visit with Midoriko before any courtiers arrived. Bidding the silent, sleepy pair of guards who had accompanied her to wait in the main hall, she set off in search of the O-Miko.
It took a small search of the grounds, but at length Kagome found the O-Miko tucked away in a small hall on the edge of the temple grounds. A small fire pit and a few lanterns kept the room comfortably warm (likely the reason Midoriko had chosen it), and Midoriko sat bent beside the fire over some a long sheet of parchment and an ink stone.
"Midoriko-sama?" Kagome called softly, stepping into the room.
She looked up, brush poised in hand just over the parchment. A few drops of ink dripped down onto a row of flowing, orderly kanji and the O-Miko started, cursing softly beneath her breath. She quickly set the brush back down atop the ink stone, gesturing for Kagome to enter.
"I apologize, Midoriko-sama," Kagome said, bowing before coming to kneel across the fire from the woman. "I did not mean to interrupt."
"No, no," Midoriko said, waving a dismissive hand even as she shot a rather forlorn glance at the smudged writings. "I was hoping that you would come to see me soon. I have been meaning to check in on you since the incident at the gate, but it seems you have been busy since then. I am glad to see you have recovered well."
"You, as well, Midoriko-sama," Kagome said. "I was worried when you collapsed, but it seemed as if it was only exhaustion. Have you been well since then?"
Midoriko nodded, picking up the sheet of parchment and setting it atop a large stack on her left side now that the ink had dried. She offered Kagome a wry smile, spreading her hands before her in a gesture of askance.
"I have been quite well, save the dressing down I received from his Majesty after the fact," she said. "The Tennō-sama thought I handled things rather poorly, and while I can certainly see my mistakes in retrospect, I dare say his Majesty was far more displeased with my having involved you than anything else. His Majesty railed on at me for quite some time about it."
Kagome only just managed to conceal a wince, a heat beyond that of the fire rushing up to suffuse her cheeks. She folded her hands in her lap, embarrassed and deeply reluctant to touch upon the subject.
"What is it that you are working on, Midoriko-sama?" she asked, gesturing to the stack of parchment.
Midoriko raised a brow, eyeing her curiously for a moment. The attempted subject change had not been a smooth one. She relented, though, at the discomfort written plainly across the younger miko's features.
"The Nihon Shoki," Midoriko said, hefting the substantial pile for Kagome to see. "The previous Tennō-sama commissioned it before his Majesty's passing, may his soul inhabit peaceful places."
"Nihon Shoki?" Kagome echoed. "What is it? A history?"
"Yes," Midoriko said. "Ranging from the creation of the world to our own days. Stories of the kami. Stories of the Tennō. Stories of the court. Stories of our nation. The previous Tennō-sama was determined that Japan should have a history, that it might never forget its own triumphs or mistakes."
Kagome eyed the weighty stack of records, a slow frown forming.
"Is that what the history of our nation is, then?" she asked softly. "The court and the Tennō-sama?"
Midoriko blinked, a slight frown drawing her brows together as she considered this. Realization dawned after a few moments, smoothing her features, and she met Kagome's gaze through the dancing flames.
"I take your point," she said. "It is a bit…exclusive, is it not?"
"Perhaps their lives are not grand," Kagome said, shrugging lightly. "But they are lives, precious to the kami, nonetheless. And if we are to speak of our nation, are they not a part of it? What good can it do the court to continue ignoring them, or, when they intrude upon the lives of the courtiers, looking down upon them? What nation can prosper that would ignore the foundation upon which it rests?"
Midoriko nodded slowly, considering the stack of parchment in her hands.
"I will have some revisions to make, then," she murmured to herself, sighing softly. "I am sorry, Kagome. I did not think to consider it…though I suppose that itself is the problem."
Kagome shook her head, offering her a small smile.
"It's hardly your fault, Midoriko-sama. Truly I do not know whose fault it is," Kagome said. "Even if I knew, I am not certain that it would matter. The courtiers and the villagers…at some point a divide opened up between them, and it has only grown with time. The resentments on both sides are deep, when they are even forced to acknowledge one another. But the kami teach that there is no peace in division. Nothing good can come of it."
"Somewhere understanding must be found. I have lived in a village, and I have lived in the court. For all that the trappings are different, the heart is the same, I think. There is great kindness and great weakness everywhere. Perhaps if you begin to tell the stories of the villages alongside the stories of the court, people might begin to see that there is not so much difference as they have grown to believe."
Midoriko cocked her head intently, gesturing towards the young miko.
"Perhaps, then, it is your intent to visit the villages on the way to the residences during your upcoming journey," she said, deeply brown eyes glinting knowingly in the light of the flames. "To…foster an understanding?"
Kagome blinked, then flushed as the implication of the words became clear. A deep chill quickly overtook any embarrassment, though, as another thought occurred in quick succession.
"It was merely a guess, Kagome," Midoriko said reassuringly, reading the horror as it bloomed across her features. "Though an accurate one, to judge by your look. As far as the court is concerned, your mission is on behalf of the residences. You need have no fear of me saying otherwise."
"But how did you guess?" Kagome asked. "Perhaps the explanation I gave was inadequate…perhaps others will guess as you did, Midoriko-sama…"
"There has never been a word uttered within this court that was not subject to scrutiny, Kagome," Midoriko said, shaking her head. "Whatever you had told them, there would have been some that questioned it. Your avowed purpose of tending to the residences on behalf of the Tennō-sama is plausible."
"You have, however, made no secret of your desire to aid the villages in their struggles, and the Tennō-sama has come out in support of your aims. I merely thought it unlikely that you would avoid the villages, now that you have finally been given the allowance of moving freely."
"I do intend to see to the residences, as well," Kagome said, a bit sullenly. "I merely thought it best not to mention anything about the villages until things are further along. If the courtiers begin agitating against it before I can even begin to speak with the villagers, there is no chance that the villagers will ever agree to any sort of attachment or cooperation. I came here intending to tell you the whole of it, Midoriko-sama."
"I suspected as much," Midoriko said, smiling. "And I thank you for the show of faith. I agree that it is wiser for the time being that the court know nothing of your intentions in the villages. It was jarring enough for many of them to hear the Tennō-sama speak of supporting the villagers. Were they to know that his Majesty intends to push forward with it, some might be stirred to action."
Kagome nodded, pleased that she understood her need for secrecy in the endeavor. After experiencing first hand the deep-rooted resentment of the villages towards the court during her last journey with Inuyasha, she was well aware that it would take every bit of tact that she had to get the villages to even consider whatever proposition Inuyasha intended to offer them. It would be paramount to an act of sabotage to inform the court now.
"I had another reason for coming to see you, Midoriko-sama," she said, looking in askance to the older woman.
Midoriko inclined her head slightly, an indication of her attention.
"I…well, perhaps the request will sound strange," Kagome began tentatively. "But you are the only one I trust will be able to carry it through, Midoriko-sama. In my absence, I hoped you might…act as his Majesty's eyes and ears, so to speak. I mean, certainly his Majesty's freedom of movement within the court has increased greatly since…since he decided to follow a less traditional path, but there is only so much that his Majesty can gain access to. The courtiers are not likely to reveal themselves wholly to his Majesty. But you are in a better position to observe if anything seems to be going awry, and to warn the Tennō-sama. I am sorry to add onto the many duties I know that you already have to occupy you, but…"
She turned an imploring look on Midoriko, unwilling to continue lest she betray a deeper concern for Inuyasha than was befitting the relation of subject to ruler. Midoriko merely nodded, conceding this easily enough.
"I understand," she said. "You need not worry, Kagome. I have no intention of forgetting my pledge of support to you simply because you will not be present within the court. The Tennō-sama has also been proving himself more and more worthy of my support every day, despite his Majesty's…slight pique with me over recent events. I would be glad to keep my eyes open for any signs of discontent in your absence."
Kagome smiled, pleased at her simple acquiescence and relieved at her misinterpretation of her anxiousness. Midoriko could read her well, but thankfully not that well.
"Thank you, Midoriko-sama," she said, placing her hands before her and bowing. "I am glad to have your support. I will certainly need it. I will speak to the Tennō-sama and arrange it that the two of you might meet once every week or so to discuss the situation within the court. Of course, if you need to contact his Majesty at any time in the intervals between meetings, I will be certain to arrange it so that his Majesty is available to you."
"As you will," Midoriko said. "I am yours and his Majesty's to instruct."
"Ah…"
Kagome bit her lip, a thought occurring to her. She wondered, though, if it were a wise one to indulge.
"Something else?" Midoriko asked. "You need not censor yourself for my sake, Kagome. I wish to be of any help that I can."
But there was a need to censor herself, for her own sake if not for Midoriko's, Kagome reflected. Her eyes darted to and away from Midoriko's expectant gaze as she waged a short internal debate.
Truly it would be better not to indulge herself in this whim. It would likely only cause her pain in the long run, and she had been fighting it ever since the notion had first taken hold of her. Yes, it would undoubtedly be better to simply forget about it.
Still…
"I have one last favor I would ask of you," she said, the words escaping her before she could think to muffle them. "Do you…Do you know any way to see someone whom you are far from?"
She kept her eyes fixed on the floor beneath her, silently cursing herself for the slip. She was on the verge of simply asking Midoriko to forget she had said anything when the woman replied.
"There are ways, though perhaps less of seeing than of…feeling. Sensing, if you will. The methods that I know of would require the consent of the person watched, however. If you hope to keep track of an enemy, I am afraid they would be of little help."
"No," Kagome said quietly. "It…it is a friend that I do not wish to be parted from."
"A friend?" Midoriko echoed, a note of incredulity entering her voice. Kagome did not meet her eyes.
"Would you like me to show you how, then?" Midoriko asked after a moment.
Kagome hesitated, her shoulders tensing. She could still take it back.
"Yes," she said, so softly it was hardly more than a breath of air.
"Come, then. I will show you."
It took only a handful of hours for Midoriko to assist Kagome in forging the 'bond' that would allow her to remain connected to the person of her choosing within the court, but the two spent the remainder of the day together. Upon Kagome's showing to her the list of courtiers who had requested healings or blessings, Midoriko volunteered to accompany the miko in performing them. Her presence and added power allowed Kagome to complete the list relatively quickly and without having to work herself to exhaustion, as she had feared she might.
She returned to the former Chūgū's residence a few hours after dark had already fallen, too spent to do much more than crawl into her futon. She declined Chūsei's offers of tea and food, settling in to sleep instead.
Tired though she was, sleep did not come quickly. She lay in the dark stillness of her room, the pebbling, round press of the 'bond' she still clutched beneath her pillow stark against her palm. She continued to berate herself for her weakness in having asked for it, but knew she could no more throw it away now than cut out her own heart.
Still, the meeting that awaited her on the morrow was to be a trial of the worst sort. What would he say to her, if anything? What could she possibly say to him? Would she even be able to face him, now that they were both painfully aware of her feelings? What if he despised her now?
Drifting just on the verge of sleep, Kagome twisted and turned for hours until at last her mind exhausted itself. She fell into a fitful sleep, clutching the 'bond' so tightly that she found its shape imprinted on her palm when she awoke the next morning.
All of Kagome's worrying proved to be for naught the next day, though not for the reason she might have hoped.
She forced herself upon rising to pen a short note requesting an audience with Inuyasha that day, hurriedly sending it off with a servant before she could talk herself out of it.
An hour later saw a reply to her note, delivered to her as she sat with Chūsei in the main dining hall eating the morning meal. Written in a hand that was familiar but not immediately identifiable to Kagome, the return note said simply that the Tennō-sama would be too busy to receive visitors for the next several days.
He refused to see her.
What little appetite she had had quickly abandoned Kagome. Murmuring something to Chūsei about wanting to go for a walk, she excused herself and headed out into the residence's garden.
She found a secluded bridge on the northernmost edge of the garden and took a seat on the rail, the note still clutched in hand. The 'bond', tucked into the front of her robes, weighed heavily against her breast.
For what seemed a long time she stood out in the cold, heedless of the thinness of her robes as she stared down at the note and wondered what exactly she had given away in deciding to reveal her feelings. Whether or not it could possibly be worth this.
Only the interruption of a servant stirred her from her thoughts. The woman stumbled upon her place on the bridge, a look of relief crossing her face at the sight of the young miko. Kagome blinked, hurriedly tucking the note away as the woman approached her.
"Miko-sama!" the woman exclaimed. "Thank goodness. I've been looking all over the gardens for you. If you will, the future Empress has requested that you attend her at her residence."
Kagome only just managed to keep from groaning aloud, though she was certain her expression betrayed more than it should have. She hardly felt like speaking to anyone at the moment, but Kikyou was among the last she would have chosen.
Even so, she could not very well refuse to see the future Empress. Besides which she had meant to speak with the other woman at some point before her departure. It seemed that that encounter was to be now.
"Of course," Kagome said to the serving woman. "Please lead the way."
The woman did so, escorting the solemn girl to the Fujiwara residence. Kikyou awaited her in a small hall of the residence that appeared usually to be devoted to tea ceremony, a mug of steaming tea already awaiting the young miko before the cushion that was meant for her.
The servant woman announced her to the future Empress before excusing herself. Kagome silently braced herself for whatever this encounter might entail as she slid the screen closed before turning and bowing to the older woman. Kikyou gestured towards the cushion opposite her, indicating Kagome should take her seat. She did so, and there was a moment of protracted silence as both women looked at one another, uncertain how to begin.
"Please, drink," Kikyou said at last, gesturing to tea. "I prepared it myself. I hope it is to your tastes."
Obligingly Kagome took a sip, though she could not help but notice the unusually ingratiating manner of the woman. Generally Kikyou seemed coolly polite in her manner, irreproachable but not at all approachable. That she might actively seek hers or anyone's good will…
Kagome set down the mug, offering the woman a tentative smile.
"It is very good, Fujiwara-sama," she said. "Thank you."
Kikyou nodded, offering a small smile of her own to the girl. It disappeared quickly, though, and silence fell once more between them.
"Perhaps…you have something on your mind, Fujiwara-sama?" Kagome prompted at last, when she could tolerate it no longer. After receiving the note she was in no mood to play at pleasantries for long.
"…Yes," Kikyou said, eyes on the mug of tea cradled between her pale hands. "Yes. I called you to speak with you about your…impending departure."
The way she voiced the words, with such extreme care, sent a thrill of cold foreboding through Kagome. This was not the manner of the Fujiwara Kikyou with whom she was acquainted.
"I am set to depart two days hence," Kagome said a bit guardedly, hands flexing and unflexing around the warmth of her ceramic mug. "Is there something you wish to ask of me before I set out, Fujiwara-sama?"
Kikyou lifted her eyes at last, meeting Kagome's. Kagome was taken aback by the depth of feeling she saw there, entirely unguarded.
"Kikyou," the older woman said softly. "Please call me by my given name. We have shared enough, great and terrible, that we can take that liberty with one another."
Kagome was silent, unable to tear her gaze from the older woman's even as her stomach knotted with dread of what was coming.
"What I wish to say to you will likely sound cruel, Kagome," Kikyou pressed on. "Rather, it is cruel. My feelings at this time are ungenerous at best, aware as I am of how you must have suffered to reach this point."
Kagome found herself shaking her head, on the verge of asking her to stop there. She was fragile, raw, held together by only a few worn threads of resolve. She was not certain how much more she could endure.
But Kikyou's shoulders were set resolutely. She set her mug of tea aside purposefully.
"I need to speak my piece with you, Kagome."
"Kikyou, please-"
"Thank you."
The words died on Kagome's lips. She blinked at the noblewoman, at a loss.
"What you have done," Kikyou continued. "Few would be willing to do. And you have done it without hope of reward. Perhaps I am the wrong person to say this to you, but I want you to know that there is someone who understands fully the sacrifice you have made. And that you have earned, a thousand-fold, my admiration and your place here whenever you choose to return, whatever either of those things might be worth to you."
Had she physically struck her Kikyou would have caused less devastation to the village girl. Because suddenly Kagome simply knew.
Kikyou knew-perhaps had known from the beginning-about her feelings for Inuyasha. She knew why she was choosing to leave. She had seen through her completely.
Kagome's lips worked soundlessly, trying to form an apology or a justification or something, but her mortification was too deep for words. For a moment she was afraid she might simply begin to sob in front of the future Empress.
A rustling of silks alerted her to Kikyou's presence beside her before her pale hand settled over the hands tightly clenched in her lap.
"I know you struggled valiantly with feelings. I watched you do it several times, even as I suspected that perhaps you were fighting a battle no person has the means to win," she murmured feelingly. "Your heart…your heart was good enough to recognize the goodness of his from the beginning. I lay no blame on you, Kagome. You had a thousand chances to give over your struggle and offer yourself up to him. But you chose this instead. I was jealous of you at times, and suspicious, but you have proved yourself the better of the two of us."
"No, no," Kagome said, shaking her head in a sharp denial. "I'm so sorry, Kikyou. Even knowing about your relationship and your feelings, I…I wish I hadn't…I never intended to…"
"Hush," Kikyou said gently, wrapping her arms about Kagome's shoulder as the tears the village girl had choked back began at last to overflow. "I do not blame you. How could I? Better than anyone I understand your feelings."
Kagome trembled, the last of her fortifications dissolving at the unexpected kindness. She pressed her face to Kikyou's shoulder, both women heedless of the fineness of the robes as her tears stained the silk. As Kagome had long suspected, Kikyou was warm beneath the layers and layers of finery.
"You have made the right choice, Kagome," Kikyou continued to murmur soothingly. "You are protecting us all. My Lord…My Lord is unable to treat you impartially. Were you to stay it could only end poorly for us all. It could only hurt the cause that you have worked so hard for. I am sorry, Kagome, I am sorry that you must suffer so much in doing this. But I thank you for doing it, for all of our sakes."
Kagome nodded against her shoulder, crying harder. It was a strange mixture of pain and comfort, to hear the words she had used so often in the past few days to buoy herself up spoken by the woman who had the least cause to be understanding of her feelings.
"Please," Kagome managed to get out. "I know I've no right to ask it, but please…please look after him when I've gone. Please support him as much as you can. He has…He has so much to contend with, and I am no longer in any position to be of help to him. Please, please. I can't…I won't be able to go unless I know someone is there for him, looking out for him."
"Of course," Kikyou conceded softly. "Of course. You do not need to worry for my Lord any longer. I am here for him. I give you my word that I will care for him. Rest assured."
Kagome pulled back from the embrace, meeting the woman's eyes. She was vaguely surprised to see tears glistening on Kikyou's cheeks, as well.
"Tell him that you love him," Kagome said, the words twisting her heart inside her chest even as she spoke them.
Kikyou blinked at her, her eyes widening.
"You've never told him, have you?" Kagome pushed on, past the pain it caused her and the part of herself that knew it was not her place to say it. "He needs to hear it. He needs to hear it from you. He needs to know that someone loves him, and that he's allowed to be happy."
"I have stood at his side for years. Are my…are my feelings not made clear by that alone?" Kikyou said, her gaze sliding away from the village girl's.
"Kikyou," Kagome said softly, waiting a beat until the woman's gaze came back to her. "He's chosen you. Every day for years and years he has chosen you. What have you got to fear? You have to trust him now. You have to say it to him. Let him say it to you. Just…allow yourself be happy with him."
Kikyou stared at her for long moments, her features drawn tight with a genuine anxiety that Kagome rarely saw in her. Slowly she nodded.
Kagome rose, feeling thoroughly battered as she bowed to the woman. She swiped hastily at her cheeks, the need to leave rising up in her sharply after what she had just done.
"I apologize, Kikyou," she said. "And I thank you for your kind words. But I need to…"
"I understand," Kikyou said softly. "And if you have need of anything before you depart, please come to me. I wish to do anything that I can for you. Know also that I will not let your cause be forgotten here in the court in your absence. My Lord and I will do all that we can to further it."
Unable to muster a reply, Kagome merely nodded. She bowed once more before turning to go.
She paused, though, her hand on the shoji. Reaching into the front of her robes, she pulled forth the 'bond'. She stared at it for several long moments, silently debating.
"Kikyou?"
"Yes?"
Kagome turned, her eyes fixed on the floor as she proffered the 'bond' to the noblewoman.
"Could you…could you give this to him for me? Tell him it's his choice whether or not he wants to keep it. I know it's silly, but…"
Kikyou rose, taking the 'bond' from her.
"I understand. I will give it to him."
"Thank you," Kagome murmured, unable to meet her eyes.
Turning, she practically fled the room, chased by the knowledge that she had given away the first man she had ever loved.
With night came solace for Kagome, in the form of a moonless sky. Her worries temporarily fled at the sight, and she hurried to dress and escape out to the Goshinboku.
She was slightly disappointed to find the En no Matsubara entirely deserted when she arrived, but consoled herself with the thought that perhaps she had come too early. She settled herself into the tangle of massive roots to wait, bow situated by her feet just in case.
Hours passed in silence and stillness. For a time Kagome amused herself with searching out constellations Kaede-sama had taught her to recognize when she was young, but at last she could no longer avoid realizing it. The night was nearly half over and there was no sign of him.
Toga was not coming.
Picking up her bow, Kagome tried to swallow back her disappointment. Perhaps he had been too busy to come, or had not known that she was to leave soon. She trudged across the garden, her shoulders heavy with the weight of yet another let down.
A figure emerged from the shadows at the opposite end of the garden. Kagome nearly cried out in alarm, stumbling back a step and grabbing for her bow.
The figure did not make another move and Kagome paused, poised to flee. Slowly her eyes adjusted, though, and her hand fell away from her bow.
"Toga?"
He was largely hidden in the darkness of the moonless night, but it was unquestionably him. Still, he made no move even after she called him. He looked…tense, almost angry from the little she could see in the stiff set of his shoulders and jaw.
"Toga?" Kagome tried again tentatively, taking a step towards him.
At last he moved, though it was only to take a step backwards.
"I didn't want to come," he bit out lowly. "I shouldn't have come."
Kagome froze, blinking at his outline against the dark.
"What a thing to say to someone who's soon to leave," she scoffed, to cover over the real sting of his words. "You didn't even want to come to see me off."
He was silent. Kagome was at a loss, thrown entirely by the oddness of his behavior.
"What is wrong with you tonight?" she asked, stepping forward in one last attempt to draw him from whatever mood he seemed to be caught in.
He stepped away from her again, remaining determinedly just beyond her reach in the shadows.
Kagome scowled, hands balling at her sides.
"Fine," she snapped. "Just fine. If this is how you choose to say goodbye to me, then I think we're done here, Toga. I wish you a pleasant life."
Hitching up her bow and quiver roughly on her shoulder, she made to shove past him. She had had more than her share of it lately, and she would not be taking any more from someone who claimed to want to support her.
She had made it several steps beyond him when a hand caught her wrist, engulfing it and bringing her up short. Kagome tensed, preparing to tug her hand free.
His tug came first, though, hard enough that she stumbled back against him. Immediately arms looped about her shoulders, pinioning her against the warmth of his taut frame.
"Don't go," he murmured thickly, and she was uncomfortably aware of how close his lips were to her ear. "Don't go, Kagome."
The words went beyond the immediacy of the moment. Her heart thrumming loudly in her ears, Kagome stood frozen.
"I have to go," she said softly.
"No, you don't," he snapped, his arms tightening as if he could physically keep her from it. "You can stay here. It can be…we can…You don't have to go."
"Stop it," Kagome murmured sharply. "Just…stop, Toga. I don't know what's gotten into you, but it's hard enough for me as it is. I can't stay. I can't stay. Please try to understand that."
"I made a mistake," he breathed, and she felt a slight tremor run through the arms that held her. "I can't…I can't go back to how it was before you. I won't."
He clung to her as to a lifeline, and Kagome tensed further. She bit her lip against the warmth she felt curling through her where her back was pressed to his chest, the urge to simply lean back and promise that yes, of course she would stay.
"I…I will come back, Toga. I promise you I will," she said shakily, bewildered by force of her own feelings. "I just need time to accomplish some things. I swear to you, though, that I will come back."
He did not answer, silence hanging between them for long moments. Slowly his arms slackened until he had released her entirely. Kagome hesitated, feeling thoroughly shaken and uncertain if she could handle any more of this after the day she had already had. She turned tentatively to face him.
"It won't be the same, though," he said, his eyes dark as he looked down at her.
"…No. It won't," Kagome admitted softly, her heart twisting as his expression darkened further. "It can't be."
"I didn't want to say yes," he said, so lowly that she hardly caught the words. "But I didn't want to keep hurting you, either. Why…why couldn't it have been you and me, Kagome?"
Kagome frowned up at him, her mind jumping between memories of their handful of meetings to figure out what he was referring to. She could think of nothing and her lips parted to demand an explanation.
His lips against hers drove that thought from her head.
Her eyes went wide, her heart stuttering to a halt. But his hand cradled her face carefully and his lips pressed against hers with desperate insistence and in a few moments she was lost. Her eyes slid shut and she felt warm, though she trembled from head to foot.
When at last he began to pull away, Kagome nearly leaned up to follow. He did not pull back far, though, as if he could not quite force himself away. They both stood blinking dazedly at one another, breathing slightly too hard. In the chill of the evening the misty puffs of air mingled together, floating off into the night.
"That…" he breathed, his eyes hooded and his pupils vast and dark. "Is why I didn't want to come."
And then, before she collect a single one of the wits he had scattered, he jerked away and was gone, disappearing swiftly into the darkness.
The next day, her final day in the court, Kagome spent furiously checking and rechecking to make certain that every possible loose end was taken care of. There was hardly a moment in which she was still. She refused to stop and allow herself to think about anything that had happened or that was going to happen. It was all too confusing, and she simply didn't have the energy for it anymore.
She delivered a note to Kikyou regarding the regular meetings she wished to establish between the Tennō, Chūsei, and Midoriko. It explained both Chūsei's network of servants and Midoriko's intention to maintain a watch of the court. She had been reluctant to write it, but she had little other option considering that Inuyasha would not see her. Kikyou promised to deliver the note to him without reading it herself.
She made arrangements with Sango to have everyone meet at dawn the following day at the eastern gate. She knew where she wanted to stop first on their journey and asked Sango to inform everyone of their intended route for her.
By the end of the day she was so thoroughly exhausted from running about every inch of the court that she fell immediately and gratefully to sleep.
The following morning found her at the eastern gate, introducing herself to the taiji-ya among her guard with whom she was not familiar. Miroku and Sango were to her left, heads together as they consulted over a map as to the quickest route. Shippou was curled up on the saddle of the horse that was to be hers, still sleepy at that early hour in the morning.
No one had shown up to see them off, but Kagome had expected no less. She had never made clear exactly when they were to depart to the courtiers, and anyone to whom she was close enough to want to say goodbye was either going with her or already taken care of.
Save one. And on that score Kagome could not help but feel deeply disappointed.
Still, it was now or never. Hesitation would only make things harder, she knew.
"Is everyone ready to set out?" she asked.
A chorus of affirmatives met her question and she nodded, signaling for everyone to mount up. She mounted her own horse, shifting the sleeping kitsune to rest in her lap.
"Everyone is clear on where we are headed?" Sango called back to the guard. They nodded in return.
"Good. Keep tight around Kagome-chan, and let's be off."
Sango spurred her horse forward as the guard took up position around Kagome, taking her place at the head. Miroku spurred his horse to ride just alongside her. Taking a deep breath, Kagome urged her horse forward as well.
She kept her gaze determinedly straight ahead, refusing to turn back and look. She simply needed to concentrate on breathing, out and in, and to keep facing ahead.
For just a moment, though, she faltered. She turned back to take just one last look at what she was leaving behind for the kami only knew how long.
Perhaps the others would have missed it, but Kagome's eyes were drawn right to the sight. A red-clad figure stood atop the gate, watching them as they went. Her gut twisted even as her heart leapt.
Inuyasha had come to see her off.
She was no longer close enough to make out his expression, but he lifted one hand high for her to see. In it he held a string of mala and magatama beads. It was their 'bond', the nenju necklace she had forged for him.
As she watched, he slipped it over his head.
Kagome bit her lip, smiling even as she swallowed back the tears that welled at the simple gesture. She nodded, just once, in acknowledgement before turning to face forward. This time she did not look back.
Good-bye, Inuyasha.
This chapter turned out way longer than I expected it to. And yes, it was a bit painful to write this parting, but it had to happen.
Anyway, thanks for reading and review if you feel inclined.
Until next time,
E-n-B