By the end of Kandros' testimonial, Ryder was numb. She had ran the gamut of emotions and now there was nothing left. The only sign of her registering anything was her white knuckled grip on the arm rests. Kandros left the stand, his eyes never leaving Ryder. She turned her head to avoid his gaze.
Tann stood again. Was this it?
"We call Jaal Ama Darav to the stand."
Ryder's head jerked up. Her heart raced. Her grip on the arm rests got tighter. She wanted to see Jaal but not at the same time. She didn't want to see the sneer Tann sent her way, the disappointment she saw in Kesh's eyes, the anger on Addison's face or the unreadable gaze of T'vera on Jaal's face. Ryder wished she had use of her hands, she wanted so much to hide her face. She wasn't afforded that luxury. Instead Ryder just bowed her head low.
Everyone waited for Jaal to take the stand instead a holo-projector was set up. It seemed he was going to deliver his testimonial via vid-comm. Ryder didn't know if this was worse or better.
With a little tinkering with the holo-projector, Jaal's face appeared on the screen. Ryder's eyes were fixed on his. She saw the blue shadows under his eyes, telltale signs of his weariness. His blue grey eyes duller than before. Ryder bit her lip, guilt overwhelming her.
Her eyes studied the environment Jaal was in. A large blue and white tapestry hung behind him. The blue matched Jaal's rofjinn. She realised it was the flag of the Angara Nations she was looking at. He's back on Aya with the Moshae.
"Please tell us what you saw when you entered the site of the crime," Tann said.
Ryder caught the flicker of annoyance on Jaal's face. "I entered the hall to find the human Pathfinder standing over Pathfinder Raeka and the Moshae."
Ryder hunched her shoulder at the way Jaal spoke around her name. I almost killed the Moshae, what else is there to say? My name is too repulsive to pass his lips. She squeezed her eyes shut. Tann cleared his throat. "Is there anything else you'd want to add?"
"No."
Tann made a noise of resignation. "Do you believe she was going to murder Raeka as well as the Moshae if you hadn't intervened?"
"Yes."
A single word. Yes. It crushed all hope in her breast. Ryder remembered that part - Jaal's intervention. The look of utter betrayal in his eyes when he saw her. The fucking Bloody Blade. It was Jaal that shielded the Moshae and Raeka from her while they waited for Meridian security to arrive. His pistol levelled at her.
He saw me. The true me. Who would believe me if even Jaal doesn't?
The floor at Ryder's feet cracked and gave way with Jaal's admission. She was free falling and there was nobody to halt her fall. Her inevitable meeting with the ground below would be the only mercy she would receive from this wretched existence. I can't be trusted not to do it again. I'm too broken to be fixed.
Ryder turned her face to look at the holo-projector. She mouthed, "I'm sorry." over and over again at him. Ryder wasn't even sure if Jaal could see her but she had to apologise if nothing else. She had accused Tann of damaging the relationship between the Milky Way species and the angaras but she turned out to be the root of the sundering. Ryder choked back a scream as Tann went on and on. His questions pulled all the nitty gritty little details from Jaal. Every single word another condemnation.
Finally Tann dismissed Jaal and his image winked out from the holo-projector. He turned his attention the accused, Sara Ryder the human Pathfinder. Vaguely, he read anguish and misery in her face. For a moment there was a surge of pity for the human. Though she had been a thorn in his side, they would still be dying a slow death on the Nexus if not for her and her team. She and the Tempest crew had led them to victory against the Archon. He couldn't take that from her but her actions on Meridian were inexcusable - Shield of Meridian or not. The least he could offer was a chance to speak for herself.
"Sara Ryder, do you have anything to say for yourself?"
Ryder dragged her head up and looked at Tann. He repeated his question. She blinked at him. What is there for me to say? What can I say? I don't remember just doesn't cut it.
She kept her mouth shut and tightened her grip on the chair. Behind, Ryder heard someone stood up.
"Director Tann, we have testimonials to offer," said Cora. "Our medical officer may have an insight to Ryder's condition."
Ryder watched as Tann opened his mouth ready to refuse but T'vera spoke first. "Please take the stand if you have anything to offer in Sara Ryder's defence."
Tann shot a glare at his colleague but allowed Lexi to approach. Lexi spoke about her episodes, her lost time. To Ryder's ears it all sounded like excuses, to the Leadership it must had sounded like bullshit. She should have done something earlier. She shouldn't have let things go that far. Ryder squeezed her eyes shut and let the words drown her.
"Somehow the idea of someone not being aware of their actions and is still able to function at such a high level sounds far-fetched," Tann remarked. "Have you been able to confirm any of your diagnosis?"
"We had travelled to Meridian to seek the medical facilities to verify my initial diagnosis," Lexi said.
"Then, it's nothing but speculation on your part, right?" Tann pushed.
Ryder could hear Lexi's sigh from where she was sitting. "Yes, Director Tann but…"
"Even then, you are not denying that Sara Ryder was the one that committed these atrocities. The vid was very clear in establishing that."
"No…" Lexi said, her voice low and hushed. "I am not."
I am not safe to be around. I am dangerous. There is just no telling when I'll never come back. Lost, forever.
"Are we even sure Sara Ryder isn't just lying about not being able to remember?" Tann asked.
The audience started whispering among themselves. Ryder sank further into her chair. Scott's urgent whisperings clear over the din. "Cora, we can't let Tann just sweep this under the rug. She needs medical attention not jail!"
Ryder wished she could just disappear.
"There is one way to verify this," T'vera interjected. "And find out the truth."
Ryder's head snapped up at that suggestion. Her hunger for answers, any kind of answers flared to life. Yes, yes, yes. Whatever you need, whatever you can tell me. I'm telling the truth. I really can't remember!
Lexi seemed to know what was being suggested. "Director T'vera, that's not advisable. We don't know what that would do to Ryder given her state. This could have been as a direct result of her mission in Havarl."
"Are you trying to blame me for Ryder's condition now, Doctor?" Tann asked, anger colouring his words. "I thought it was established I had sanctioned no mission to Havarl. What happened there isn't any of my responsibility."
"Enough!" Kesh roared, slamming her hands on the table.
Everyone flinched. The other directors jerked in surprise. Kesh turned to T'vera. "What are you suggesting?" she asked. "Is there anything to explain Ryder's actions? I know I am not the only one who thinks this is severely not like her."
T'vera inclined her head at Kesh. "I am suggesting a meld. With a meld, there can be no deception. Her memories will be laid clear for her and the melder to see."
"But you can't know how that would affect her," Lexi pointed out.
"Then we shall put the question to Ryder. She can decide this herself," T'vera said, turning to face her.
T'vera was technically her boss but she had been more of an administrator than a true commander. She had never actively blocked what Ryder suggested without a reason. T'vera was nothing but professional and direct in her dealings. It's not something she had expected from asaris. Their long lives inevitably led to a glacial pace in everything they do. It just didn't gel well any other species, not even the long lived krogans. For some reason, Ryder felt she could trust her.
"What will it be?" Tann asked impatiently.
Ryder nodded, not trusting her voice. She could almost imagine Lexi's eye roll at her recklessness but Ryder needed this. She didn't want to just go on not knowing, when not if, she would just snap, completely.
T'vera stepped down from the elevated table she was sitting at and approached the biotic bubble. She gestured to Waterfield to disable the shield. "I don't recommend that, Director," Waterfield warned.
"I accept the risks. I am sure the APEX soldiers here will be able to protect me." she replied.
Waterfield nodded and tapped on her omni tool. The bubble fell. T'vera stood directly in front of her. Ryder lifted her head to look at her.
T'vera's violet eyes gazed into her own, they were just as unreadable as before. Sitting restrained in a chair at her own trial didn't make her any better at reading T'vera. The asari's blue freckled hands reached towards her face. Her fingers were cool and they pressed gently against her temples. "Embrace."
"Eternity," Ryder completed.
The last thing Ryder saw was a small quirk of T'vera's lips. Then she was fell into darkness. She saw nothing, heard nothing but she felt it all. It's like a pressure against her brain. Someone was rifling through the file cabinets of her memories. The touch wasn't gentle just workman-like. The cabinets were pulled opened and slammed shut when there was nothing of interest. Ryder reeled from the roughness of the gesture. She had no sense of time as T'vera sort through her memories. How far is she going back?
An answering thought replied, "As far as I need to."
Then, music seemed to leak through the meld. Was it a memory of a song or T'vera's way to distract her, Ryder had no idea. She just sank into the song.
This is the start of how it all ends
They used to shout my name, now they whisper it
I'm speeding up and this is the
Red, orange, yellow flicker beat sparking up my heart
The rifling stopped for a moment, as if T'vera found something interesting. The sudden lack of motion felt like mental whiplash. Then, the rifling started up again. It felt like an eternity when her mind finally slammed back into physical world. Ryder winced. Not the pleasant meld I've heard so much about.
Lexi hurried over to her side but was stopped by Waterfield. "Just let me examine her!"
T'vera stepped back and withdraw her hands from around Ryder's head. She nodded at Waterfield who stepped aside to let Lexi through. Ryder sagged and tipped her head back, resting it against the chair. Her temples felt like they were on fire. Lexi placed a hand on her shoulder. "Hey, Ryder," she said gently. "How are you feeling?"
Ryder just grunted in reply, her headache pounded in time with her pulse. Lexi's omni tool was out. T'vera sat down at her seat.
"Doctor, are you satisfied Ryder isn't in a life threatening condition?" Tann asked.
Lexi shot Tann a look so withering that if Ryder's head wasn't trying to squeeze her brain out of her ears, she would have appreciated it. Ryder felt Lexi's arm on her shoulder once more before she stepped back out. She watched as Waterfield sealed the biotic shield once more. It's probably safer for everyone that way.
"So," Tann said turning to T'vera. "What did you find?"
All eyes shifted from Ryder to T'vera. Her pebbled skin seemed to shimmer in the light. "Nothing," she replied, her mouth twisted in puzzlement. "I found nothing."
Gasps rippled through the room. "Is that possible?" Ryder heard Suvi asked.
Ryder sank further into herself. T'vera had no answers for her. Nobody had. Whispers started quietly in the corners of the room, rising to outright conversations and arguments. "Could Ryder have blocked the memories out of her mind?" Addison asked.
"The conscious mind might not remember but the sub-conscious mind would," T'vera explained. "This is something I've never seen before. The memories Dr. T'Perro had claimed to be lost time for Ryder remains blank to me even in the meld. It's like it never happened."
Ryder neither had the energy or heart to care anymore. Tann didn't seemed deter by the turn of events. He wanted to bring the proceedings to a close. He shouted for order in the room but his voice was drowned out in the noise. Then an angara roar silenced the room. Ryder cycled through her memories to place the voice. "Director Tann, is this what you call a court of law?" the voice asked.
Ah, yes that's Evfra. I'm sure he'll ask for my head.
Nobody spoke. "The evidence is clear. Whether Sara Ryder remembers, matters not. It was her hand that ended lives and injured others. The Angara Nations demand a just punishment for the crimes committed," Evfra continued.
Ryder was glad Evfra was behind her. She didn't think she could handle another pair of disappointed and rage filled eyes. There was nobody more disappointed than her. Her father's mantle and legacy she had worked so hard live up to was slowly going down the drain. Her work had to survive this. It all had to mean something, not this fissure that's widening in front of her eyes.
"The Angara Nations is watching how the Nexus intends to deal with their criminals be they the lowest of people or highest of Pathfinders."
Ryder kept her eyes closed as Tann began to call for a vote. "Those who deem Sara Ryder guilty of murder, attempted assassination of a fellow Pathfinder and the Ambassador of Heleus please raise your hand."
A rippled swept through the room. Ryder didn't have to look to guess what the result was. There were only five to judge her and it was a quick count. Ryder could vaguely hear Cora whispering to someone. Probably Scott. I'm glad she is there to prop him up. He'll need it.
"Sara Ryder, you are unanimously found guilty of all charges. You are hereby stripped of your position as Pathfinder. You are sentenced to life imprisonment," Tann announced.
An uproar erupted from the present Tempest crew, Scott's voice the loudest. Some among the audience were surprised at the severity of the punishment. Others nodded grimly at the outcome. But among the small crowd present, there was only one who smirked. Her omni tool's voice recording feature was turned on. A human hand tapped once to stop the recording. Attaching the audio file to a mail, she added a short message.
Phase one is a success. Proceed with phase two.
With a small smile on her face, she tapped to send it. Then leaned back as she watched the rest of the show unfold.
Tann ignored them and carried on. "You will have your amp and Pathfinder implant removed before serving your sentence. These will be carried out at the earliest convenience of the Nexus' medical wing."
Ryder kept her eyes closed. She didn't want to open her eyes and accept her new reality. Imprisonment? I'll probably go crazy if the past six days was any indication. Do we even have a proper jail? She forced her fingers to let go of the death grip she had maintained on the arm rests. Each finger straightening took a monumental effort.
Ryder could hear Lexi arguing against unnecessary surgeries. Scott shouting about not finding out the whole truth before sentencing. There were more voices but they blended into a single entity that threatened to bring the roof down on her. Her headache pounded harder.
"ORDER!" Kesh roared. "Are we civilised creatures or not? The next person who speaks out of turn, Captain, please escort them out of the room."
Ryder figured Kesh was addressing one of her APEX guards. She was sure she could spare one for Kesh to double up as a bouncer.
"Please relinquish your Pathfinder mandate to your XO, Cora Harper now," Tann said.
Ryder opened her eyes. She found Tann had a small smirk upon his non-lips. For once, that look didn't piss her of, it was justified after all. Nodding, Ryder opened her mouth to speak for the first time. "I'll need access to my omni tool to speak to SAM." her voice dry and husky from disuse.
Tann jerked his head at Waterfield who tapped a couple of buttons on her omni tool. The field that technically was supposed to prevent Ryder was using her omni tool disappeared. There was no reason to get SAM into trouble if there wasn't any need to.
"SAM," she called.
"No," SAM's voice came through the omni tools of all the present Tempest crew.
"Were you listening?" Ryder asked.
"Yes. I refuse. You are the Pathfinder. There is no precedence to transfer Pathfinder authority when the Pathfinder isn't dying or dead," SAM replied.
SAM don't make this harder than it already is.
"Please SAM," Ryder pleaded, her voice wavering. Why is this so hard?
"Ryder, this isn't right."
She stared at the interface on her omni tool. For moment, she wished SAM had a physical body. Something she could hold and comfort. Her left hand jerked in an involuntary motion but the retrains held her fast to the chair. Ryder ignored the whispering from the others, they were listening in on what was a extremely private conversation. Ryder took a deep breath. "SAM, you were never made to make decisions on your own. My father made you to learn by observing an organic's actions and learning context from there. I'm sorry that you were alone these past few months." she said, pausing to steady her voice. "But I can't do that for you anymore. I can't be fixed."
SAM was silent. Ryder didn't know to interpret that. Was it a silence of contemplation, or a silence of angry sullenness? She couldn't stop, if she did, Ryder didn't think she would be able to squeeze the words past her lips without choking on them. "I can't be your moral compass. It's time you learn from someone else."
"No."
Ryder wanted to rage against SAM but she tightened her grip on her emotions. Ryder wanted to cry but she knew there would be no tears. She's all hollowed out inside. Her crew didn't need to see how truly broken she was. It's bad enough she was crazy, she didn't have to add anything else to the mix.
"SAM, do you trust me?"
"Yes, I do, Ryder."
"You'll be fine. More than fine with Cora. She'll do a great job with you by her side. She needs you more than I do now. Please, SAM."
"You are Pathfinder till the implant is removed. I want to be there for you," SAM said. "This time."
This time. SAM's equating this with Havarl.
Ryder pulled her attention from her omni tool. "Is this acceptable?" she asked to nobody in particular.
Kesh nodded tightly. Her yellow-green eyes carried a weight that wasn't usually there. Kesh's claw moved to her belly in a gesture that seemed involuntary as if she was protective over something. Waterfield took the nod as a signal to cut off access to her omni tool.
Ryder sagged back against her chair. She was spent but the day wasn't over. Evfra stood up, clearly indicating he wanted to speak. Kesh nodded at him. "Is this your idea of an appropriate punishment?" he asked. "Free food and lodging for such a henious crime? For hurting the highest ranking member of the Angara Nations? Is this how you value our ties?"
Tann began to look unsure. A semi public hearing wasn't the place to have a breakdown of relations. "How are murderers punished on your home world?" Tann asked.
"We have no need for traitors and murderers in our midst and we do not leave them behind us to attack us once more," Evfra said, his voice steady, clear and deep.
For a split second, Ryder heard Evfra's words in Jaal's voice. A chill ran down her spine. Evfra was actually asking, no threatening for it. Death, Evfra is calling for my death. Is that be preferable to this wretched existence?
Ryder shook her head to clear it. She had no wish to die. Death was too dark, too cold. She knew. It was a darkness she had fall into three times. It's embrace wasn't a welcome respite, it was a sudden abrupt end. For all that had happened, Ryder no longer held any false perception on true death.
T'vera raised to her feet smoothly. Her cool blue eyes blazing as she met Evfra's. "What you are asking for is something the Milky Way species have stopped implementing on our criminals for centuries. I suspect for Ryder her punishment is already worse than death."
Ryder didn't know how long they kept her on the chair, listening as others decided her fate. After a while, she just gave up. Listening and knowing didn't make her feel any better. It wasn't designed to, she figured. Her throbbing headache and her thoughts were her only companions. It was like they had forgotten about her. When the biotic cage fizzled out, she blinked as her eyes focused. For a split second, Ryder stiffened and wondered if she had lost time again. She turned to find Lexi at her side, a kind hand on her shoulder. "Ryder," Lexi. "We're transporting you directly to the medical wing."
"Why?"
"They are scheduling the surgery for tomorrow."
She closed her eyes, nodded once. "Will you be doing it?"
"No, but Harry and I will be there to make sure they don't fuck up."
If weren't for the circumstances Ryder might have laughed at Lexi's cursing. Ryder opened her eyes, her mask finally crumpling under the stress and anxiety.
"Lexi, I'm scared."
Lyrics taken from Yellow Flicker Beat by Lorde