These characters are under copyright by Hajime Isayama and/or Kodansha Comics or others. This is a work of fanfiction, for no monetary gain.
Chapter 21 – Damage Control
What the hell is taking them so long? Is someone injured worse than we realized? Is it Levi, or Springer? Erwin had been glad, at first, for the time away from Levi, to try to work out what he was going to say to him, how much he should tell him, and how to break it to him, but the wait was becoming interminable, and only adding to his stress level, now.
The door to the conference room opened, and Pixis entered, followed by Erwin's missing men. Erwin's eyes widened in surprise and confusion, as Springer strode into the room, without benefit of crutches or a cane, until he saw the brace on his injured leg, one that went from mid-calf to mid-thigh. He was talking animatedly with Blouse and Kirstein. Arlert and Kirstein were both wearing arm braces, over their biceps. Arlert and Ackerman looked surprisingly grim. Worried. Is Arlert's injury infected? Or his hands more badly sliced by the crystal than Hange had realized? Or is it Levi they're worried about? He looked expectantly for Levi and frowned when he didn't see him.
"Where's Levi?" Erwin asked in concern.
"He's… talking to an old friend," Armin explained, giving him a look of sympathy mixed with worry.
Erwin paled. "Not that bastard from the roof? He's not here on base, is he? You didn't leave Levi alone with that ass?" Erwin demanded, his body flooding with adrenaline as he geared for battle.
"No sir. A friend, not an enemy," Mikasa Ackerman corrected.
Levi doesn't have any old friends. Not live ones. But then Connell Kearney entered the room, carrying a familiar pair of crutches. "That explains the braces. It's good to see you again, Captain," Erwin greeted in relief. If Kearney had the crutches, Levi must have reclaimed his cane. But now that Kearney was here, where was Levi?
"Ye too, sair. But I only hope us being here solves more problems than it causes," Kearney said, looking as worried as Arlert.
Erwin frowned. "Why would…?" He broke off the question abruptly as Levi strode into the room, wearing a brace that went from his ankle to the top of his thigh, carrying his cane instead of using it. At his side was Liam O'Seanessey. Erwin's smile of welcome froze on his face, at the blatant chemistry that was sparking between the two men. "O'Seanessey," Erwin said noncommittally in greeting, fighting the sudden urge to punch the man in the face and yank Levi away from him.
"Commander! It's good to see you again, sair!" O'Seanessey claimed, with apparent sincerity.
"Levi, we need to talk," Erwin stated firmly.
"Obviously. That's why we're here," Levi replied coolly.
"I mean you and me. Alone. Now," Erwin demanded. The longer Levi had to stew about this, the harder it would be for him to forgive him for it – if he ever would – which wasn't likely. But he refused to let their relationship end like this, or to risk Levi leaving the Corps.
Levi glared disdainfully at Erwin.
"You can use my office, if you'll both give me your word you won't poke into any of my files or papers. And you likewise have my word you won't be overheard. You'll truly be speaking in private. I'll see to it," Pixis offered generously.
"You have my word, and my sincere thanks," Erwin swore.
"Fine. Mine too," Levi agreed with obvious reluctance.
The short walk to Pixis's office was borne in silence, with Pixis leading them. Pixis unlocked the door for them, waved them in, and then closed it behind them.
Levi spun to face Erwin, pain and fury in his face. "Talk," he commanded.
Erwin inhaled heavily and exhaled just as loudly. "I was born Erwin Smith. My name was changed to Edward when I was five years old by my biological father, who hadn't wanted anything to do with me, until his legitimate son and wife both died. I reclaimed my true name when I enlisted as a cadet, against his orders. I almost died in training because of him, on more than one occasion. If it wasn't for Mike, I never would have survived it. That's how Mike learned my other name. But Erwin Smith is who I really am, the only one I ever wanted to be. I was named by my mother after my great-grandfather, who was like a father to me. Everything I am is because of my mother and great-grandfather, but they died and… Levi, the rest doesn't matter."
"Of course it does, or you wouldn't be trying to hide it from me. Still. Out with it," Levi demanded.
"Are you willing to tell me all the secrets of your past that you've hidden from me?" Erwin challenged desperately.
"Don't try to make this about me, and don't think I'm about to feel sorry for your 'poor little homeless orphan' story. Not when your father stepped in to take care of you, when my father threw us out onto the street, because he believed Kenny's lies," Levi snarled.
"Right. My father was a fucking saint, telling a sixteen year old virgin less than half his age that unless she became his mistress, he'd release her father from his service without a reference, and she, her parents and six younger siblings would starve to death. And then, when his wife regained a semblance of health, and became pregnant, he cast my mother aside. He didn't care that she was pregnant as well. My mother knew if she told her father the truth, he'd kill him for what he'd done, and then hang for it. So she kept silent and bore her family's censure.
"She was thrown out of the only home she'd ever known, and in desperation went to her paternal grandfather. Thankfully, he took her in. I should have been hated, for the man I represented, for the man I looked like, for what he'd done. But I was born into a loving family of two people, blissfully oblivious of the truth. And then they died, in a typhus epidemic, and my father's legitimate son and heir was killed in a riding accident, and his wife died in childbirth not a month later and…"
He stopped as Levi paled, a look of horror on his face. "You're a Reiss. You're Duke Helmut Reiss's bastard," he whispered.
Shit. Erwin had specifically not mentioned any names, hoping he wouldn't have to say too much, that he could keep part of his status at least hidden – the Reisses were second in power only to the king. How the hell did Levi realize who I am?
The horror on Levi's face turned to revelation, then grief and fury. "Fuck. Lovof knew when he sent me to get those papers and kill you, didn't he? Isabel and Furlan died because you're a fucking Reiss," Levi accused bitterly, but then his eyes filled with something Erwin had never seen before: terror.
Damn it! I never wanted him to know. It was bad enough when he first found out I was a noble, but I made him think I was from some minor, inconsequential bloodline, and he never questioned it, he never dug deeper, even when I told him about Anna. Why didn't he press me for details? Why didn't he care then? No. It's more than that. What are you so afraid of? What are you hiding, Levi?
"We're done here. We need to continue the mission, now," Levi said abruptly, heading for the door.
Erwin grabbed his arm without thinking, desperately needing to fix things between them. His world was literally turned upside down as, with a jarring slam, he was flat on his back on the floor. He froze as he felt the bared knife blade pressed to his throat as he stared into Levi's turbulent eyes.
"You stupid fucking ass! We don't have time for this bullshit. We need to get you out of the Capital, to the Underground, to Shiganshina. We need to get you safe," Levi snarled, in ludicrous contrast to the bared knife blade at his throat and his words.
Levi sounded sane, rational, in spite of his actions and words, but the Underground was dangerous and Shiganshina deadly. What could possibly be worse than both those places? "What's wrong?" Erwin pleaded.
"You're a fucking Reiss!" Levi whisper-yelled.
Shaking. Levi was shaking, and even more disturbingly, the knife hadn't moved.
"Don't you understand? He's like a fucking Titan shifter, only worse: I can't protect you from him! No one knows why he starts or why he stops, why he picks the victims he does, why he lets some live, and the others are tortured to death, murdered, and you're a goddamned Reiss." Levi spoke the name as if it was a death sentence.
Erwin's eyes widened in shock and belated understanding. "Ackerman killed them? My cousins, my aunt, Uncle Rod's immediate family, everyone but Historia?" he whispered.
The bleakness in Levi's eyes was answer enough. That and his words, about torture and murder, and that Levi couldn't protect him.
Shit. Is Levi thinking of killing me himself, here, now, to save me from being tortured to death later, by Ackerman? "Levi, he might have killed them, but he didn't torture them. No one ever connected their deaths to the Numbers Slayings because of that. But I'd rather be tortured to death than die by your hand. Put your knife away," Erwin commanded quietly but firmly.
Levi's eyes widened in shock and horror, as he stared not at Erwin, but at his hand, as if he'd hadn't even realized he was holding a knife.
Shit.
To Erwin's simultaneous relief and concern, Levi flung the blade aside; it clattered against something, as Levi jerked back, away from him, trembling wildly.
Erwin sat up slowly, careful not to startle him, or seem remotely threatening. Levi's reflexes and instincts were perilously close to being completely out of control. One more false move, and he could easily be dead, and then Levi would be too: Erwin was certain Levi would never be able to live with himself, if he killed him.
Ackerman had Levi as badly rattled as he'd been back on their base, after his miraculous return, when his phobias had nearly destroyed him. He was teetering on the brink again. How much more can Levi take, before he shatters?
Erwin stood and approached slowly, his arms an open invitation, relieved when Levi didn't back away, though he didn't move forward either. Erwin didn't care, as he embraced Levi, pulling him against his chest, and thankfully, instead of pulling away or fighting against him, Levi's arms circled his waist.
"I'm sorry I kept secrets from you, but I can't promise I won't do it again," Erwin apologized. "I'll do anything and everything I have to, to protect you. For now, all I can do is offer you your own words: if he wanted me dead, I'd already be dead. Ackerman isn't the first to target me, by far, if it comes to that, and I won't allow him to be the last. But if in spite of my efforts he does kill me, it won't be because of you, not if he truly killed my aunt and cousins. He would have gone after me anyway. I need you to still trust me, Levi. I need you to still love me. There's no point to any of it, without that. I can't save humanity if I lose you. I wouldn't even want to," Erwin admitted, baring his soul.
"Of course I still love you, you idiot," Levi scoffed into his shirt, his face still pressed against his chest.
Erwin tightened his embrace, the relief of hearing those words overwhelming. Then he felt Levi start to tense and he panicked for a moment, until he realized what was wrong. "I love you too. I always will, no matter what happens, no matter who tries to take you from me. I won't let them," Erwin swore fervently, realizing Levi needed to hear the words. Levi was incredibly strong, emotionally as well as physically, but so was stone, until it shattered. He was also deceptively fragile.
"Good. Though I guess that means I won't be fucking Liam after all," Levi replied, pulling away.
I'll kill you both. Erwin was appalled by the instinctive thought and immediately crushed Levi against him, negating it. He'd never hurt Levi. He knew Levi thought the hug was merely a possessive one when he winced and yelped as Levi deftly escaped his hold by nearly cracking his ribs.
"It serves you right, you overgrown, lumbering ass. Now I know why they call it a bear hug. You almost broke my ribs," Levi accused, glaring into his eyes. Then Levi's eyes widened, and for one of the first times ever, Levi was the one to embrace him. "I'm sorry. I should have let you. I didn't mean to make you that jealous. Don't take it out on Liam, OK? I don't think he's been with anyone since Caity died, and I don't think he's ever been with anyone without her. That he picked me, of all people… Don't hurt him."
Erwin forced himself to relax in Levi's arms. "I won't. If it was anyone else… Do what you can to let him down gently, if you already promised him anything. But don't tell me if you did, because… Just don't."
"I'm sorry I wanted to hurt you," Levi apologized.
Erwin exhaled heavily, relatively certain now the threat hadn't been an empty one. Damn it. "I understand why you did. You thought I betrayed you."
"We're good now, right?" Levi asked, unaccustomed uncertainty in his voice.
"We're good," Erwin assured him, briefly tightening the hug. Even if Levi had slept with Liam, Erwin acknowledged it would have been his fault, not Levi's, though he knew he would never have forgiven either of them. "Come on. I'm sure the others are worried about us, and we have a lot to do."
"In a minute," Levi said.
What…? Then Levi kissed him, with an intensity that left him breathless, and he responded eagerly, putting his heart and soul into the kiss.
"Now we can go," Levi said, sounding content, for one of the first times ever, since Erwin had known him.
Levi retrieved his knife, sheathed it, and then the two of them headed back to the others.