Chapter 21

The return trip to the Lodge didn't take long, but the time seemed to drag for Meri. She couldn't wait for the wretched trip to be over and couldn't wait to escape from the tension that hung between she and Alex that was thick enough to cut with her lightsabre. She'd accomplished what she wanted, so why wasn't she happy with the results?

She could handle him the way he was now, cool and aloof and altogether withdrawn from her. Unfortunately, everyone else could also see the tension between them and the other two Jedi watched both she and Alex with a wary eye. Meri didn't think they needed to worry. She didn't plan on speaking to Alex any more than necessary and she hoped that meant at all.

By the time they reached the Lodge it was late afternoon of their last day and the only thing left to do was prepare for their departure the next day by gathering all the supplies together. The children were exhausted and sat quietly in the shade of the trees speaking to one another of what they had seen and done.

It was dusk by the time everything was ready, the younglings fed and put to bed early so that they would be able to face the early morning. Despite the protest they had fallen asleep quickly due to the day's exertions.

Meri was exhausted as well, but the Lodge was stuffy and her emotions were in too much turmoil for her to even consider sleep. A fierce headache had grown throughout the afternoon and now pounded rhythmically between her temples.

Closing her eyes, she massaged her temples with the tips of her fingers, but opened them when she sensed something intangible.

Alex's gaze met hers from across the room. He sat on the floor with his feet stretched out in front of him, his back propped up against the wall. His face was grim and even from that distance Meri felt the heat in the thoughtful gaze.

She returned a defiant glare before rising and slipping out into the cooling evening. He made her stomach clench so that she felt nauseous, made her throat tighten so that she could barely swallow. She hated that fear he made her feel. She couldn't seem to control it, no matter how hard she tried. For that she hated him.

Meri took in a shuddering breath as she slipped around the back of the Lodge and into a clearing among the trees. Her legs felt like jelly so she dropped onto a tree stump as she tried to purge the emotions churning through her. She had begun to count the hours until their departure and longed for the sanctuary of that she had so easily left back on Urukier.

Perhaps once she returned to the Temple she would inform the Council that she was returning to Urukier. She had been wrong to come back. She was beginning to see it as a mistake. He wasn't worth her long fought for sanity. Living with him on a daily basis, seeing him and worse yet, being forced into the corner by him was not something she had been prepared for. She had thought he could be pushed away. She thought she could hurt him enough that he would leave her alone. She hadn't wanted to do it, but it had to be done. She had thought the Temple big enough, but it wasn't….not for them.

After her struggles on Urukier to recover from her mental breakdown, she felt as though everything she'd fought so long and hard to pull together was going to shatter.

She wanted to moan in frustration, wanted to cry, but settled for a deep breath and tried to convince herself she could do this. No sooner had she finished the thought than she heard footsteps headed her way.

Childishly Meri wanted to hide, but instead she straightened so that her back felt like it would snap and raised her head defiantly.

Pushing aside the heavy vines, Alex stepped through into the clearing, his presence immediately filling the small area and invading her space. She could barely sense his veiled hurt; a hurt she knew was fueling the temper in his eyes.

She said nothing as he looked at her, only waited. This time she planned to say nothing.

"I know I have faults as a Jedi, none of us are perfect," he began in a toneless voice. "But I fail to see how I could have mentored someone like you to knighthood."

It was a vicious twisting of the knife already firmly embedded in her heart. "Someone like me?" she repeated blandly, her eyes drifting down to hide her shock.

"I would hope that I would have instilled honor, courage and….loyalty into any apprentice of mine. As well as compassion, kindness and gentleness."

Meri was finding it harder to breathe for the pain in her chest, but she wouldn't let it show. The slight confusion that laced his tone was not a comfort. She stood abruptly.

"And then there is me? Right? Well congratulations, Master Arieh, you are the mold from which I was made. This is what you get."

"I did NOT teach you to be arrogant, prideful and rude! I did NOT teach you to LIE!" Alex shot back as he took a step forward.

Meri remained collected on the outside, but inside she felt her guard beginning to crack. "If I lied it was because you refused to honor my request. I told you, I did not wish to discuss our past. You refused to listen."

"What have I done to you that you treat me this way? Tell me so that I may understand it for last we parted after your knighting things were different." His tone was demanding and derisive at the same time.

"Yes," She answered. "Things were different." And would say no more.

"Why did you lie? At least tell me that."

Meri took measured breaths and tried to control the panic that was eating away at the edges of her control. "I already told you, it is too difficult for me to revisit. If you wanted to know if it was truth or lie then you simply could have read the mission logs archived."

"I will be certain to do that on my return."

Meri nodded. "That is your choice."

"I've wondered why the Council hasn't pressed me to take another apprentice. Now I know."

It was the last dart Meri could take. "You know nothing! You accuse me of arrogance, well, Master, take a look in the mirror! I learned from the best."

Before Meri could blink, Alex was across the clearing, and had grabbed her roughly by the arm. He dragged her forward so that she had to stand on her toes to keep from slamming into his chest.

"You go too far," he said in the softest of voices. His eyes were a pale violet and his expression fierce.

Meri's heart slammed in her chest and she couldn't breathe. Her dark eyes rounded and glassed with fear. "Le..le..let me gg..go," she stammered trying to control the automatic response that was beginning to freeze her limbs.

Alex looked startled and then frowned just as fiercely. "You think me a monster? You think I would hit you?" Then just as quickly his expression changed to one of uncertain concern and his hold gentled though by no means lessened. "Have I ever hurt you?"

Meri couldn't answer his question, but instead began to struggle against his hold on her. She didn't care anymore if the fear she felt was obvious to him. She only knew she had to get away.

When she didn't answer Alex shook her lightly in frustration. "Have I? Answer me!" he demanded ardently.

"Noo!" Meri clenched a hand in his robe and tried to push herself away from him, but he was like immovable granite.

"Meri…,"

She froze at the tone in his voice and looked up quickly, more afraid of what she heard in his voice now than the previous temper. His entire expression had changed…softened by the confusion and concern. Meri only flinched slightly when he moved his free hand and brushed her cheek with his fingers.

The contact sent a bolt of electricity down her spine and empowered her enough to be able to wrench herself out of Alex's grasp. She stumbled backwards and almost fell down as she kept her eyes glued on Alex's face.

"I did hurt you?" A bewildered question now, one that stated he was no longer certain of the answer. He stepped forward and she hastily darted backwards, tripping on a root before she fell to the ground with such force she felt a sting.

"Just…leave me alone!" She all but shouted it as she pushed herself off the ground and without thinking ran deeper into the jungle.