Night came by and all the reports had been reread and corrected by my already tired and slightly irritated gaze. Neither Hange nor Moblit had left the basement during the whole afternoon. Petra stopped by to warn me about skipping squad's training but, seeing my injured arm, she realized the reason for my absence and left me to mind the reports again.
Once more, my father's letters had resurface amongst the pile of papers that clogged up the desk. Pausing from time to time, I skimmed through them yet again, so as to cleanse my sight from jumbled up phrases and poorly written words of cadets who barely knew how to spell words like 'geological' or 'formation'. It really brought me back to when father taught me how to read and write. I called him 'dad' back then, before he was so obsessed with the church that he started neglecting his own family. It hadn't always been like that, despite what I liked to make myself and others believe – that father was a tyrannical figure that constantly threw wrenches into his daughter's plans and tried to mold his kids to his ideal of morals.
But... even knowing both sides of him, the old calm man who sat his daughter on his lap and taught her how to read books about the Grand Architect and the Walls and how important it was to know how to do those things like read and write. Back then, it was fun; we spent time together without all of the pressure that in later years he used to put on the family.
And knowing of the careless man who left his wife to care for the children while he went on some spiritual quest to 'purify infidels'... the latter still weighed more on my mind for the most part. Those letters that I couldn't seem to throw away however.. It was like knowing a different person. He wrote to his grandmother about how he helped people with his mentor – an older priest. And how they were really making a difference.
But losing myself mind wandering about the past was a hobby I'd been indulging far too much lately and so, the letters were put down on the desk and the work at hand resumed. The numbness in the arm had passed and now it lightly throbbed whenever it was forced past a certain point. Going to the Underground... with the captain and a cadet. I needed to study the map Erwin gave me, since depending solely on Levi would be foolish in case there was a need to split up.
Thinking about it... how had his life been there? Did he have family? Could I even ask him that? It was probably a bad idea either way and getting on his bad side before an important mission was unadvised.
Leaving the office to hand back the reports to the cadets, I was met with the captain's figure entering his room in a bloody shirt. Spattered blood painted his face as he disappeared from my sight. What happened?
"Captain?", a quick knock on the door before I opened the door and peeked inside. No one to be seen in the main room. Splashing sounds came from the bathroom and, curious and slightly worried, my feet moved on their own, guiding me to where he was, washing his face and torso with water from a bucket. "Are you okay? What happened?"
"Who let you in?", he commented nonchalantly, looking in the mirror and scrubbing with vigor until the red spots vanished.
"Hum... I let myself in. You looked like something had happened, sir."
"Shitty Glasses' shitty experiments happened. Fucking crazy bitch.", he swore.
"But are you okay? Did you get hurt?"
"'m fine. That shitty brat spewed blood all over me."
"What? Eren? What happened?"
"Go take a look. Help me here, will 'ya?", he pointed at the clean shirt neatly folded on a chair. Helping him dress was hardly a task for a lieutenant but, since technically I was still being punished, it was best not to voice any complaints. Accidentally, my hands brushed his arms as he was putting on the sleeves and the softness of his skin baffled me.
Firm and thoroughly shaped muscles snaked beneath smooth skin and it'd been far too long since I'd been so close to another person like this ever since Nate so it was unavoidable that for a split second my mind wandered into one of those dark void-like places where one keeps locked up the inner most cravings of the body. But as soon as I caught myself there, wondering about Levi, the man, and not thinking about him as my captain and superior officer, I put a brake on the thought and erased it from existence.
"Button this down for me.", he ordered, standing with the shirt open in front of me.
"Why... sir?", was he being serious?
"Do as you're told, Krieger.", he insisted. Oh, so he was serious... what the fuck..? so now I had to dress him? For fuck sake..
"Right away sir...", I mumbled, half annoyed at his ludicrous command. And... the improper thoughts were back. Great. Standing at arms length from the captain's exposed torso was a dangerous situation. My hands moved increasingly slower, at times fumbling with the buttons when a whiff of soap came flying from him and danced its way to my nostrils. There was too much silence.
Only the sounds coming from outside filled the room and the ominous and heavy quiet felt like it was going to crush me with its monstrous grip. I hoped to whatever deity I could that the sound of my heart pounding wasn't audible to the captain as it was thumping in my ears and threatening to spill through my mouth. He must've been enjoying my suffering thoroughly, not even bothering to complain that I was taking too long.
I wish I'd lifted up my gaze to see his face but the flush on my cheeks from the heat that filled my body made it impossible to do so without giving myself away. The way his breathing was audible at the distance we were, the light touches my fingers stole from his chest from time to time, it all sent my senses into overdrive. Maybe it had been a bad idea to reject almost all contact of this nature for the past five years...
My throat desperately wanted to push out words, to speak, to create any deflection from my awkward stance as the only thing running through my mind was exploring the highs and lows of those winding chest muscles. Fuck, quick, say something.. this is bad..
"So, that soap... It smells nice, sir. Did you get it somewhere special?", yeah, good one. Always with the fucking soap, aren't you?
But he didn't answer and that was my queue to shut up and finish the fucking buttoning.
"All done. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be leaving, sir. I'll be assisting Hange's experiments so... yeah, you know where to find me if you need me.", words poured like rain in a thunderstorm, fast and all garbled up in a weird speech dialect that I could only hope had made any sense to the captain.
Closing the door behind cause the breath that I'd been holding to be released and I was out of that stressful situation.
Martha left the room, rushing to break all contact with the captain. Closing the door behind her, the muffled sound of her footsteps became thinner and thinner until it disappeared completely, drowned by other noises. Levi stood by the door frame of the bathroom, and all he could hear was the thumping sound of his own heartbeat, ringing in his ears. Unsteady breaths were drawn and, noticing this, fingers ran through his hair, mouth releasing a deep sigh when the memories came flashing before the captain's eyes.
It'd been almost a miracle that she hadn't looked up to see him while she buttoned down his shirt. Had she done that, then it would be clear to her his true intentions when ordering her to do so. A cold sweat ran down his spine, looking at Martha's flushed face as she fumbled clumsily with the buttons, she who was ordinarely so secure and confident when doing whatever needed to be done.
But to see her in such a distraught state, he couldn't help but to want her all for his own. To be the only person to see and to make her like that. She who earlier didn't seem to care that he'd seen her half naked when cauterizing her wound and had turned bright red when being up close to his figure.
Her slightly parted lips and feather-like touches when fingers missed the button and slipped inside his shirt.. he wanted them. There was no denying it anymore, the throbbing bulge in his white uniform refused to disappear as long as she kept on his mind. No, maybe it wasn't that, it'd been a long time since he'd been with a woman and things were getting out of control.
Well, he wouldn't object to breaking his fast with her, if she wanted to of course. But Erwin would probably oppose it since it was an implicit rule that relationships in the Corps were forbidden.
What was Levi thinking? Rolling around with a team member and a subordinate? How he'd hit an all time low. It wasn't like him, having this insatiable hunger just because he saw a usually composed woman with a blush. Sure, she had a well toned body and was actually amongst the top tier members in the Corps, although no one had actually told her about it but still… he had to stop thinking about her or things could end up turning sour.
Just earlier she'd risked her life for him without a second thought. What would've happened if he were to be in any sort of relationship with her and she died? Death was a regular in the Corps and there wasn't any way around it. He'd just have to force her out of his head.
"Hange?", I asked, reaching the bottom step of the dungeon staircase.
"Oh, Martha. You're finally up.", she answered, scribbling on a notebook.
"I just saw the captain covered in blood… What happened?", turning the corner, the scene before me was grotesque. Eren was chained to the wall, half naked, with several metal rods piercing his body. "What.. the fuck…. Hange?!"
Unable to stop myself, I rushed to get a closer look to the innanimate boy that hung by his arms.
"We were able to get some pretty interesting info.", she answered.
"Eren?", gently grabbing his chin, I made him raise his head. His eyes were closed but somehow, hearing my voice made him begin to mark my hand had left on his cheek had disappeared.
"Ngh….", he mumbled, before opening his lids and blinking lazily at me. "Hi, mam."
"Are you alright?", I asked, slightly worried. Sure he was there to help us with research but he was a kid. Damn, Petra's protectiveness had rubbed off on me…
"I guess… Major Hange said I bit you. Sorry..", he had trouble keeping his eyes open.
"I gave him a new medicine I'm working on and one of the side effects is extreme drousyness.", the woman interrupted.
"You were supposed to be studying titan related things, Zoe, not drugs for humans. Eren isn't some random guinea pig you can use for whatever you want. If he dies, we're fucked.", I scolded.
"Don't worry… I'd already tested it on rats and other things to make sure it wouldn't kill him. And as I said, we did find some out some interesting stuff while you were sleeping."
"What are the pipes for? Jaeger are you in pain?", he nodded negatively. "What? So you're testing a pain suppressor?"
"Precisely. In extreme cases, it could be administered outside the Walls. It only works for a few minutes and extended use could lead to severe injuries but still, pretty sweet, right?"
"I'm happy to be of use, mam.", Eren gasped, wincing. Clearly, the effect had passed and now the pain had returned.
"How did you get him to return to his normal human state?", when I'd passed out, he had only been conscious for a moment before blacking out so there hadn't been a real chance to check if he had actually gone back to having a human mind.
"He was already fine when I got here. Sadly, though… But I'm sure there will be other times for me to study that phenomenon."
"Yeah sure, but let's take these off. That's enough of testing for today.", pulling out the pipes, the wounds slowly started healing up and rather fast I must say, since before anyone noticed, the holes had been sealed like nothing had ever happened.
"Amazing…", muttered Hange in awe. Indeed, it was impressive. If only we could find out the secret for that level of regeneration, life would be so much easier.
"Let's get you to the bed, Eren. How are you feeling?"
"A bit sore, honestly... ", he answered, leaning on me as I undid the shackles. Looking at my bandaged arm, he seemed distressed for a moment. "I am so sorry, mam. Please, I'll learn to control myself so that I'm not a danger to anyone, I-"
"Relax, Jaeger. I know. No harm done.", although it was bad to lie like that, the last thing we needed was a distressed titan shifter. Who knew what kind of weird shit could happen if he felt like we were going to dispose of him for being dangerous? "Now, get some sleep."
"Eh? But I still had more experiments to do!", Hange complained, almost pouting.
"It's night, Zoe. Let the kid rest. Tomorrow you can fuck him up some more, then.", I whispered her the last part. Eren needed to get a proper good night's sleep.
"Yeah, you're right. See ya later, Eren!", she waved and, picking up her things, she left. Rushed steps trampling down the stairs like a stampede and I must confess, I was not expecting Mikasa to show up half breathless at the bottom of the steps.
"Eren!", she gasped, looking at the already asleep figure on the bed.
"Shh! He's resting. You're not supposed to be here Ackerman.", my tone was stern but it didn't intimidate her.
"I had to come see him, lieutenant. Eren is the only family I have left.", she answered, saluting me.
"It's not just that, is it?", cold voice turn into a sly one as my eyes caught hold of a slight tint to her cheeks when I asked that. "Look here, Mikasa. Until I'm sure he can be safely released without hurting himself or others, he has to stay here. Do you understand?"
"Yes, mam."
"Good. Since I am feeling particularly generous today, I'm going to let you stay here with me keeping an eye on him. But you are not to get near his cell nor do anything that could wake him up. Are we clear?"
"Yes, mam. Thank you.", sitting on the floor, against the wall closest to the boy's cell, she eyed his bed like a guard dog, looking out for his master.
"Mikasa, go get Petra or one of the other officials, I need to step out for a moment."
"Right away.", she nodded, albeit reluctant in leaving Eren alone with me.
"Relax, I'll make sure the others allow you to stay by his side, as long as you do not interfere.", she seemed a bit more at ease and left.
A few moments later, Eld and Petra arrived. After a brief explanation of what'd happened, they kept on watching Jaeger with Mikasa there and I left, wanting to change the bandage of my arm. The pain was getting more severe as the hours went by and the once white cloth was now dirtied with not only Jaeger's blood but mine as well. I passed through Hange's room and after changing it, she gave me some mild painkillers and sent me off.
A knock on the door of my room caught my attention.
"Martha?"
"Commander? Did something happen?", I asked, quickly rising to my feet in case it was an emergency.
"No, no. I came here on a personal note. How are you?"
"I'm okay. Thanks for asking. You shouldn't be wasting time with me. I'm sure there are more pressing matters at the time being."
"You look pale, have you been sleeping?", he ignored me, walking up to me and pulling down my lower eyelids to check on their color.
"Yes, I have. Now please stop this. You're not my dad.", although I appreciated his concern, this time it was misplaced.
"I'm just worried. A lot of things have been happening lately and as a commander, I-"
"Of course now, the Commander is checking to see that his soldiers are all still within expiration date.."
"What is that supposed to mean? Martha, I, Erwin, your friend, came to check up on you to make sure you're not just barely keeping it together."
"Well, getting back in the swing of things is hard when shit keeps happening to fuck me up.", I gave up, complaining. Each time I thought the streak of bad shit had reached its end, the universe proved me wrong yet again.
"Come here. Sounds like you need some cuddles.", he smiled fondly. Although it was rare for him to indulge me in such a thing and even more rare that I wanted it, sometimes, he'd scratch my head softly until I was relaxed enough to sleep. Laying down on his lap, he gently began patting my hair and massaging the scalp with the pads of his fingers, sending a shiver down my spine. Immediately, I began to feel drowsy. Damn, he was good at that..
"So… how are things with Evelyn?", I managed to half whisper.
"Good."
"When are you going to see her again?"
"Maybe next week… of this one, if things workout alright.", I wasn't looking, but I knew he must've been smiling when he said it. There was no way he wouldn't.
"That's so sweet… I'm glad you're happy, Erwin.", closing my eyes, I let myself melt into his calm movements, focusing only on the dancing pads on my scalp. "It would be nice to meet her one day."
"Maybe… who knows… I don't think I've ever seen you with anyone ever since you join…", he wondered.
"Yeah… I'm not really the relationship type."
"Nathaniel… was it? His name?", my eyes darted open. How did he..? Oh, right… that thing with Eld..
"I never said we dated."
"Come on, it was pretty obvious.", getting up, I turned to face him, but avoided his gaze.
"Well, as you know it ended pretty bad so… I was cured from 'love', I guess."
"It's not a bad thing, Martha."
"Yeah, you say that but if Evelyn died in your arms I highly doubt you'd keep that opinion.", my words came out harsh. I instantly felt back for speaking to him like that but refused to back down. Love and relationships were a nuisance in our line of work.
"I don't have to remind you of who you're speaking to but I do get where you're coming from. I'm sorry Nathaniel died but to cast out all other future relationships sounds a bit harsh, don't you think?"
"Look Erwin… I.. it's my decision. I'm glad you and Evelyn are fine even if it's not something 'forever', but I just… I don't think I can and I don't want to risk it."
"Very well.. Jeez, you look even more tired now than you did when I got here. I'm sorry, Martha."
"Eh, don't sweat it."
"I'll let you rest. Have a goodnight.", before I could move, he leaned in and hugged me, softly, like he was afraid of breaking me. Erwin really did feel like a caring older brother at times and I was glad to have someone like him that I could count on for things like this.
"Yeah, you too. Don't come here waste time, the Corps needs its commander."
"I know, I know. I'll see you tomorrow, dear."
With this, he left. I was tired, all that talk about relationships and love and what not had drained me completely. Suddenly, the memory of a shirtless Levi assaulted my tired mind and a wave of heat shot up my spine.
How I wanted to have touched that skin with my bare hands, feel the carved muscles dance underneath the skin… His elegant walk, like a cat, striding slyly and eying up his prey.. No, no, no! Stop thinking about him! Banging my head against the pillow, I muffled a gasp with it. I wanted to touch him, to selfishly satisfy my need for human contact and he just so happened to be the victim.
Of course, silly me… why would I think that that would ever be possible? For all I knew, he just saw me as fellow soldier, who happened to have a despicable temper at times and had a knack for getting injured. Slowly I drifted into the dream realm and all was dark.
My eyes flicked open suddenly, as if something had startled me. Despite this, the room around me was dark and silent, still shadows being cast on the floor by the pale moonlight. Hours had past since I'd gone to sleep and sitting up, I rummaged for something to light the candle on my bedside with.
Picking up the candle, I covered my shoulders with a small blanket, the nights being increasingly colder as Winter grew nearer. Now would be a good time to check on Eren, to make sure he'd fully recovered. Fucking kid made us all age 10 years at a time with his control issues.
Going down the steps that led to the basement, everything was silent and the air felt still, ominous even. The torches lit the room and Jaeger was sleeping peacefully. Well... That's a relief.. But who's watching him..? Looking to the side, a curled up Mikasa is soundly asleep as well, side rising slowly with each inhale.
"Didn't want to leave Eren alone tonight... I didn't have the heart to tell her to leave.", Petra's voice broke the calm emptiness in the air, calling my attention to her. She was sitting on one of the only chairs, eyes looking weary and tired, probably from an already long shift.
"Want me to take over? You look pretty spent.", I offered, but she immediately refused, reminding me that, were anything to happen, my injury could re-open and I might not get as lucky as before. Agreeing, there was little more to be done there. Out of what Petra would describe as 'motherly instinct', I ended up covering Mikasa with the blanket so that the cold humidity from the dungeon wouldn't take so much of a toll on her the next morning.
Heading back to my quarters in hopes of getting some more sleep, my eyes were caught by the lights coming from the captain's room. Although usually I'd be knocking on his door to offer tea if it had been a rough night, this time, the incident with the shirt earlier had left me wondering if visiting the corporal at night was a good idea or not.
Nonetheless, noticing the half open door, curiosity overcame all other feelings and I peered into the room. No one was there. Not even in the bathroom. Two candles were lit and stood on the small table besides the captain's bed. It didn't really cross my mind at the time that he might catch me in there because, seeing those burning candles so near the cloth covering the bed had me rushing to put them out. A fire in the main building was the last thing the Corps needed. Breathing a sigh of relief, I turned around to leave, not wanting to trespass anymore but, much to my surprise, who was there, immediately in front of me like a wraith from hell? Yes, the one and only captain Levi.
The jump scare made my heart freeze for a second, chest heaving to calm the frenetic pulse that had unknowingly started to race.
"Oh hi, captain..."
"What are you doing here, (Y\n)...?", he didn't seem very angry so that was a huge relief. The flickering light of the candle he was holding however was too dim to reveal much of his expressions.
"I just... Saw the door open and the candles.. And um... Unattended candles cause fires, sir. So I came in and blew them out. I was just om my way back to my room."
"Why are you up? Something happen?" the question took me off guard. Usually he didn't ask about things like this so for a couple of seconds there was only awkward silence, while I tried to recollect my thoughts. "What? You doing weird shit you can't tell me about?"
"No, no.. I just woke up for no reason and decided to check up on Eren. I'm pleased to say he looks back in his regular shape."
"Ugh, shitty brat. How's the arm?", well he was indeed chatty this night...
"It's.. It's fine. I mean, it still hurts but, it will heal."
"Good. Now-"
"Where did you go, sir?", I interrupted him, unable to hold back my curiosity any longer.
"None of your goddamn business. Now get out, I'm shit tired.", aaand rude Levi is here again...
"Didn't mean to be insolent, sir. I was just curious."
"Curiosity killed the cat.", wow, yeah I got the message the first time, no need to be like that...
"I'll go, sir. No need to be like that.", jeez, just asked a question... Passing by him, a rush of air stirred and a warm breath tickled my ear.
"Next time I catch in my room unauthorized, there will be consequences.", he whispered. A slight gasp escaped my lips and I dashed as fast as I could out of there, else things could degenerate from there. So going to this room was strictly forbidden... Good to now, I guess.
Catching (Y\n) there, alone, lit up only by pale moonlight and his candle, her panting from when Levi scared her... It was too much. It was too dangerous for her to be in that position, looking so vulnerable. Levi felt like he could attack her like a wild animal, unable to control his instincts. When did he succumb to physical cravings? He wasn't sure whether the spark had always been there, even if he wasn't aware or if it had been from the moment when he saw (Y\n) holding on to her comrades that he'd gained a subconscious interest in her.
Either way, he needed those urges, those desires to rip the clothes off her body and taste every inch of it gone and keeping her as far as possible was the only way. Still, the mission to the Underground district ought to be soon and they'd have to go together... Levi knew he had to maintain the upper hand on his impulses at all times, specially there where... he was closer to his 'old self'.
As he sat on the bed, he realized that thoughts about this problem had worked up his brain far too much for it to rest and doze off into quiet sleep so instead, he headed toward his office, wanting to sort out paperwork.
Closing the door of the room behind me, I leaned against it, heart still mildly racing from the captain's threat. The way he'd said it had just been so... UGH, okay, enough with thinking about that! Sleep, Martha, that's what you have to do now. But as much and I tried to psych myself up that rest was needed, he wasn't leaving my mind. Just there, his scent, his toned body, the flicker of his eyes when something angered him or surprised him, the raking they did over me and how exposed that made me feel.
Fuck. I knew it was a bad idea to join the squad. Damn you, Erwin.
Laying in bed, the number of possibilities to quickly overcome that which was clearly an infatuation with the captain traveled across my mind but none seemed fast enough. Specially since the Underground mission would be soon. Turning over, my arm moved too harshly and the stitches pulled a bit, sending a jolt of pain up the shoulder that made my breath hitch and eyes screw shut, having to slowly ease up to the seated position so that I could take a few of Hange's pills.
After that, the pain subsided considerably and the side effects where fairly heavy, given that despite only having passed a few minutes, my lids felt increasingly heavier until I passed out. Thus, another dreamless night went by.