Twilight belongs to SM! Thank u to the girls, this is hot off the press!
I know that everyone was waiting anxiously for this chappie and i'm sorry it took so long to get out! But it's got a little of everything in it and more about how Bella is feeling. So i hope this chappie helps everyone see more into how much she is fighting with herself on keeping the baby and helping Jasper.
Enjoy!
JPOV
"You want to put it up for adoption?"
She looked confused, watching me. "You can have it. Raise it."
Now it was my turn to be confused. I was supposed to raise the baby by myself?
"Without you?"
"I don't want the baby. But I can't kill it. I can't. It would be like killing you and I love you too much."
"What about us?" I know my questions were small and stupid but I just wasn't understanding what she meant.
"I don't know." The hard shake of her head caught everyone's attention. She gave me a smile and I shivered. "She's talking again."
"Who?"
"My head. She won't shut up."
Daddy came over, smiling gently. He sat by her feet, gaining an answering smile from Bella.
"What does she say, Bella? Can you tell me some of what she says?"
She frowned, concentrating. "She talks about everything. But mostly about the baby."
"What about the baby? Is it because you don't want it? Does she not want it?"
My eyes widened a bit at his questions, hoping it wouldn't push Bella to far. I didn't want her to go over the edge. I couldn't handle that. She'd been through enough. She didn't need anymore on her plate.
"I don't know really. Sometimes she acts like she doesn't. Then it seems like she agrees with me. Then others she's pushing me to get rid of it. She says its for me. But I think it's for her."
"Why don't you want the baby?"
"Daddy..."
He gave me a look and I kept quiet. Bella glared at me, as if interrupting them had been a great crime.
"I can't handle it. It's too early. I'm not ready. I wish it was later. But it's not."
"What do you want to happen? You will have the baby for Jasper to rise, where will you be?"
"I'm not sure. I want to be with Jasper. I just don't want to be around the baby. It's not safe. I'm not safe. I don't want to hurt them. He deserves the baby. He wants it."
We were getting somewhere and nowhere at the same time and it messed with my head. Bella was explaining about the baby yet not.
"That was real good, Bella. Real good. Good job. I'm gonna have them help you eat and get cleaned up. I'm gonna talk with Jasper outside, but we'll be right back, alright? Nothing to worry about. We're not leaving."
"Ok." She was all smiles again, but her demeanor had turned to a child's almost. Not a pregnant 24 year old. It was creepy and heartbreaking all at once. Nurses came over to help Bella, each of them gentle and all smiles to reassure her. I followed daddy out into the hallway where we could talk.
"I don't understand, daddy."
"I don't either. But from what I can understand, Bella is not talking to herself. The person in her head is someone else."
"What?"
"I don't know if it's another personality, some kind of disorder, or what."
"Could she be talking to someone else completely? Someone not her. Not a disorder. Not another personality."
"Who?"
"Her mother."
He went quiet, staring at me. At first I thought he was going to blow me off, but now I wasn't so sure.
"Why?"
"I don't know. People have had family come to them in their dreams before. Even appear to them when they need help." I took a deep breath and went for broke, knowing it was either a possibility or I was plain crazy like Bella. "Maybe her mother is talking to her as help. Maybe she's trying to lead Bella through things."
"When did the talking start?"
"I don't know. I think the same time the drinking and drugs."
"Right after her mother's death and the beginning of Charlie's direct abuse." His comment got me fired up again. "I'm going to talk with her head doctor. You would know Bella best out of everyone. If you think it's her mother it's something that needs to be looked at. Whoever it is, Bella is clearly not afraid of them."
"More like annoyed. Like a parent being irritating to a teen."
He lifted an eye shaking his head at me. I grinned to keep myself sane. The situation felt hopeless. But I knew I needed to keep positive for my girl. He sent me to get cleaned in the doctor's quarters while he talked to Bella's new doctor.
On the way back up I found momma out in the hallway, watching Bella's room.
"Sweetheart! How is she?" I gave her a tight hug, momma holding my arms when I pulled back.
"Ok for now. I'm not sure what will happen."
"What about the baby?"
"We don't know yet."
"She hasn't decided yet?"
"She did. But I don't know. She said she'll have the baby and let me have it to raise. I don't want to hurt her more by having the baby."
"But Jasper... you can't really... I mean... the baby..."
"I don't know, momma. She's hurting about something. This is making it worst."
"But do you think getting rid of the baby will make things better? When she gets out of here it might make things worst knowing what she got rid of."
"We don't know. That's why they are going to have a head doctor look at her. Maybe things will become clear and we can take her home."
I gave momma another hug before moving to the door. I opened it and stood next to daddy as a doctor chatted with Bella.
"What's happening?"
"I talked with her doctor. He says it's possible. And with everything that has happened to Bella that it might be her way of coping with things. She creates her mother to help her when she feels lost and alone. Someone to comfort her whenever she is hurt."
"But I thought she said that the woman pushed her to do things."
"Yes. You can imagine that after years of the abuse and no one coming to help, she turned the voice into someone cruel to help deal with the sting. It make her feel better about being where she was."
"What do we do?"
"Wait and help her get better. Right now they'll keep track of the baby and her. Since she was coherent when she made the statement about keeping the baby, they won't try and talk her out of it."
"Why would they? It's none of their business."
"They can't give her a lot of the meds she needs because she is pregnant. Frankly, I told the doctor she shouldn't go on anything after all the stuff we got her off, it'll mess her recovery up. They're going with therapy right now, lots and lots of it."
"Will that help?"
"It should. We're just not sure how much. Right now, the main thing they want to know is the state of her mind. Where's she at. Has she broken from reality? Has she had a breakdown? Or is she bordering?"
"Can I help?"
"I'm hoping so. I'm not sure whether or not he'll use you or make you leave."
"I can't leave them, daddy."
"I know, Jazzy. I know. But we want to get her better. Bella deserves to get better and have a life. Who knows. After she gets back to normal and is let out she might want the baby. After everything, it's no wonder she doesn't think she can handle an infant. Most sane people are frightened out of their minds. Take someone who has a bad life and add in a baby, it just might be enough to send them over the edge. If we had known..."
He stopped and I turned. "What?"
He gave a shake of the head and I glared at me. "What, daddy?"
"If we had known then about the baby, things might have been different. We could have done more for Bella."
"You mean abort the baby?"
He still didn't want to answer me. "I don't know. My instinct says Bella would have been better off having the abortion then and there when she wasn't invested in the pregnancy. Get her detoxed and back to healthy. I wouldn't have cared if you two got pregnant instantly after that, but it would have been better for her. The stuff I gave her to help and all the pain killers, Jasper... the side effects alone could trigger a miscarriage. At any time. We might have done a lot of damage to both of them."
"What can happen?" I needed to know everything when it came to my family. Bella and my baby had become that in just hours.
"Anything, everything. I don't know... I'm at a loss for words. After the doctor talks a little more with Bella, they're gonna run a full panel of tests on both of them. See if anything comes up now. If something major has happened and it's dangerous for Bella, we might think of taking the choice from her."
"I'll do anything for Bella."
He smiled at me. "I know, Jazzy."
Bella whimpered and I froze. I turned and found her huddling in the bed with a group of people circled around the bed.
"Too many people around her, daddy." I gave my warning moving closer. He snapped something and they backed away. The man with the clipboard stopped and looked at me. I moved to her side, taking her hand. Bella smiled, calming instantly. She gave a sigh and relaxed into the bed.
"Are you ok, darlin?"
"Tired. So many questions. She won't stop and he won't either. I can't keep up with both of them."
I looked at her doctor, "Can she take a break?"
"Sure. We can finish up later after her tests." He smiled at her, leaving and taking some of the nurses with him. Daddy came over and Bella smiled at him. He did the same, waving the rest of the group away.
"How you feeling, Bella?"
"Ok. Who was that?"
"It was one of your doctors. He's gonna help with the voice."
"She doesn't like him."
"Why not?"
"Said he's too bossy."
We laughed at that, making Bella smile wide. Without warning, she frowned.
"What's wrong?"
"It's hard to ignore the baby. Keeps moving." Her face sent chills down my back. I was beginning to think Bella had lost it. It didn't seem to phase daddy. He moved closer, moving his hands around on her stomach to check the baby. I sat, dumbfounded. I wanted so badly to feel the baby move but didn't want to push Bella.
"That's a good sign, Bella. If you want Jasper to have the baby, then having a healthy one would be good, right?"
She smiled and nodded and I couldn't figure out why she didn't want the baby with that expression.
"Do you think if things got better, you'd want the baby, darlin?"
She froze, "No. I'm too dangerous. Not sane enough. I don't want to be like my mother."
"You're nothing like your mother, darlin. Nothing. You're fighting to be better. It's not your fault what Charlie did."
Her face went pale, tearing running down both cheeks. I held her hands, wanting to comfort her, but not knowing how.
"It's ok, darlin. It's ok."
"Why did she have to die? Why can't she be here now? I needed her so much. But she went away."
I felt completely helpless, looking up to daddy for help. His face matched hers.
"Do you remember what happen that day, Bella?"
"A little."
"Why don't we talk about it?"
"Ok."
"Let me get your doctor, alright? Jasper will stay with you."
She nodded and I watched daddy leave in a hurry. I smiled at Bella, hoping to help the situation. She grinned back at me, calm and collected.
"I don't want to make you unhappy, Jasper."
"You're not."
"I don't want to hurt the baby after it's born. You have to protect it, ok?"
"Ok."
"Promise me, please."
I swallowed, my throat dry as hell. My eyes started to burn, but I fought like heck to keep the tears back. "I promise."
"From me too. You can't let me hurt it."
"I promise."
That seemed to be what Bella was looking for. The clear part of her mind was relieved and relaxed at my declarations. The off part of her head that talked to the voice wasn't sure.
It was like dealing with a mother and child all at once. The abused part of Bella wanted her own child safe from harm. The mature part of her didn't believe that she would be able to keep up with that herself.
Daddy and the head doctor came back into the room, pulling seats over to the bed.
"Jasper, why don't you sit in a chair?" I kept my mouth shut, wanting to rip his ass. Bella wouldn't let my hand go, pleading with me to stay.
"I think I'll stay with Bella." He opened his mouth but closed it when he saw the look on her face.
"Bella, let's talk a little bit about the voice, shall we?"
She nodded, watching him.
"Who is it, do you think?"
"I don't know."
"She's never given you a name? You've never given her a name?"
"No."
"When did she start talking with you?"
"After my mother died. It just started talking to me."
"When did it become negative towards you?"
"I don't know. A while later."
"Is it talking to you now?"
"Yes."
"What does it say?"
"She says you're an asshole."
I had to bite my lip at her reply. The head doctor looked affronted. Daddy was staring away.
"She's rude."
"Yup. She doesn't like you."
"Why?"
"Says you're too nosy. You shouldn't pry into people's minds."
"That's my job."
"Doesn't matter. She won't talk to you."
"Will she talk to you?"
"Obviously."
I laughed at that one; I just couldn't hold it back. He glared at me, which didn't settle to well with Bella. She gave him a dirty look, refusing to talk anymore.
"Darlin. It's ok." Bella shook her head, upset.
"No. He's mean. I don't like mean people."
"I'm trying to help you, young lady."
"No, you're not! You're trying to boss me around. There's a difference." Bella was working herself up, pushing back towards the top of her bed, the pillows flying to the floor.
The head doctor stood up, trying to intimidate her. I was in front of him in seconds, daddy standing beside us.
"Settle down, both of you. I think we need another doctor. You can go."
The head dude gave daddy a once over before stomping out of the room. Daddy shook his head at me and I just stared back.
"He's not gonna hurt my girl."
"I know that, Jazzy. Calm down. Bella?...Bella!"
I wiped around at his cry, horrified at what I saw. Bella was doubled over, clutching her stomach, blood everywhere. I wasn't sure what went on around us after that. Bella sobbed, fingers digging into her bump. I wrapped my arms around her, holding her as hard as I could. I prayed that I could keep them both safe if I just held on to them.
Doctors and nurses rushed in, checking and poking Bella before she was transferred to a rolling bed. They had every monitor possible hooked to her within minutes, all of them beeping with her failing vitals. Her head lolled to the side, hands limp against her middle.
"Bella? Bella!" I didn't realize how hysterical I was until after they had taken her away. Daddy held me back from running with her. He was talking but I couldn't hear what he was saying. Things were blurred, sound drown out.
"Jazzy, come back to me... Jazzy...Jazzy..."
There was a prick and then peace.
10 hours later
When I woke up, momma was sitting beside me, crying. I jerked up, looking around. The waiting room was quiet and cold. I was still covered in Bella's blood, my hands stained.
"Momma?"
"Oh, Jasper!" She threw her arms around me, pulling me close. "My baby. Are you ok?"
"Where's Bella? Is she ok? The baby? Did she loss the baby?"
Momma was unable to talk, crying nonstop. I held on her to for comfort. I wanted nothing more than to be a young teenager again. I didn't want the fear of not knowing about my girlfriend and unborn baby. It was too much.
Minutes passed but they felt like hours. My stomach was growling and my head hurt. I was dying of thirst and food. I looked up to the clock, shocked to see how long I'd been knocked out.
The door flew open, daddy coming inside. Momma moved back, her hands busy on her face. I got up, bulldozing into him. His arms came around me and I started crying. He let me get it all out before sitting me down again. Daddy pulled a chair over in front of us, taking my hand into his.
"You need to pull yourself together, Jasper. Ok? Calm down."
I sniffled, nodding. "I'm sorry. I'm ok now."
"Good. I need to talk with you. It's important. You need to be level headed and serious, alright?"
"Yes."
"Bella is recovering. She's doing really good."
"How's the baby?"
"It's fine." He took a deep breathe, smiling wide. "I don't know how. But it's perfectly healthy. We ran every test there was and things came back perfect. I'm shocked."
"That's wonderful! There was so much blood..."
"I know. They've looked, checked every part of her. We don't know where the blood came from. All of her organs are fine. Her heart and lungs are strong. No brain injuries. Circulation is great. For someone with her drug history, she's in better health than both of us."
"What happens now?"
"She has another doctor who looked over her files so far. He doesn't think she needs to be in watch anymore. She might hear a voice, but so far she's not harmful to others. And the fact that she's been clean for months and not once tried anything to harm herself is good marks for her. He doesn't think she'll do anything. He thinks once she's cleared medically, that it would be better for her to go home and rest. Staying here is not helping her. It's pushing her farther into depression."
"How do we help her with that?"
"The right meds, the right dose and close watch on the baby. We both think it's the depression that's bringing the voice back. She was fine up til recently with the voice."
"What do I need to do?"
"Be there for her. Help her. Love her. Let her know you're there to help and that she's not a bad person. As for the baby, we'll do one thing at a time. She talked to the doctor about that as well."
"What did she say?"
"She's not sure. That's one of the hard points for her. She's petrified that she'll hurt the baby after she gives birth. So much so, she doesn't want anything to do with it. She wants you to raise it. At the same time, it's her baby. Your baby. She's already feeling that connection to it. That's scaring her just as much. She doesn't know if she'll be able to give it up once she sees it for the first time."
"I don't want her to give our baby up."
"I know that. But that might be just what she needs for the first few days. The connection might be strong enough to keep her in the same house as both of you. After seeing you with the baby it might snap her out of it. Then again it might not. Or it might take a few months. The main point is you want Bella healed all the way so that you and the baby get the best version of her and her of you two."
Daddy sighed, all of the exhaustion plain on his face.
"What, daddy?"
"I'm a good reader of people, comes with being a doctor. You can tell she's not really getting the whole picture at the moment of what's going on with you. I think she was at one point, before the depression. But now, it's almost like she has two pictures."
"I noticed that too."
"You did?"
"Yeah. She acts like a child when she hears the voice, then she acts like an adult when she doesn't. The adult part of her knows what was said though."
"Good job. I had to tell the new doctor that. It helped make sense what was going on with her after wards. One of his big points to get done was finding out who the voice is to her. Either she's made it up or she thinks it's someone. If we could figure out a name for the person, we could figure out the reason behind it."
Daddy gave me and momma a hug, before leaving again. Another hour passed before he had me take a shower and change into clean scrubs. Once momma went home he took me back to Bella's new room. She was sound asleep, looking peaceful. There was one IV to keep her hydrated and one monitor on her chest for her vitals. The rest of the wires were for the baby. Even with the blanket over her, you could tell there were many hooked to her stomach. I smiled when I got to hear the heartbeat for the first time.
Daddy grinned, smacking me on the back. I pulled two chairs together, getting as comfortable as I could beside her bed. Once she was signed off for a few hours, he went on to his other rounds.
I took her hand into mine and fell asleep.
Next Day
BPOV
I woke with a start, not knowing where I was. The pass few days were a blur, nothing really standing out. I turned my head and found Jasper asleep next to me. He looked worn out and pale. There were beeps all around the room. Looking up, I saw the many monitors running. The one to my right was for the baby that much I could tell. The whooshing sound filling the room.
I smiled before realizing what I was doing.
How does someone want something and hate it at the same time?
"Jasper?"
He groaned, turning his head away. I smiled again, tugging on his hand.
"Jasper."
His eyes popped open, clearing as he looked at me. There was hesitation as he smiled. "Hi, darlin. How you feeling?"
"Ok. How are you? You can't be comfortable. You didn't have to stay."
"I'm here for you. I'm not leaving."
"What's happening? Why am I here?"
He sat up straight, swallowing. "There was a scare with the baby last night."
"Is it ok?" I wanted to know even though I didn't. Everything about the baby was a fight within my head.
"Yes. Both of you are. Daddy said you both have a clean bill of health. You have a new head doctor. He thinks you'll be better off going home than being here."
"I'm worried that I'll hurt someone."
"You won't. We're in this together. He thinks with the right meds and therapy that you'll be fine."
"What do I have?"
"It looks like depression. Which might be triggering the voice again."
I shivered at the mention of my voice. She wasn't speaking at the moment and I wanted her to stay that way.
"Can I have something to eat?"
"Sure, let me go ask the nurse." He helped raise the bed so I could sit. As soon as he was out of the room, I looked down at my stomach. There were pads and wires glued to it.
The butterflies started again. I grimaced, willing myself to ignore it. When they kept on, I gave up, cupping my hands over my stomach. Closing my eyes for a few seconds, I let myself enjoy being pregnant. When the door opened once more, I pulled back opening my eyes.
Carlisle smiled at me, having caught my moment.
"It's ok to wonder, Bella. You can hate being pregnant and not want the baby and be curious."
He was the only person at the moment I felt ok with confiding with. "It's not fair. To me. To Jasper. I'm torn and confused. I don't know what I want anymore. When I fell the baby move, I want to be happy and enjoy it. Then I think about the fact that I don't want the baby and I get mad at myself. What do I do?"
He came over and took my vitals as he talked. "Don't fight yourself. Just let things happen how they will. Things will work out. The shock of finding out is still pretty strong. In a few weeks you'll be more used to being pregnant. There are a lot of women who don't want their babies, or plan on giving them up and still enjoy being pregnant. It's a weird thing, but it happens. Maybe bonding with the baby now might make things easier after you give birth. Some fathers are the same way, you know."
"They are?"
"Yes. They don't want the baby while the woman is pregnant, hate the thought of it. Then when they see that innocent newborn, they change. They fall in love with their child and can't think of giving it up. People are different. Jasper loves the baby because it's part of both of you. But you have to add in how he was raised. We loved our son with everything. You were raised where love was dangerous and you only got hurt. It's normal not to want to have a child and risk the pain of loving it."
"It's so hard."
"It will be. Stop fighting that as well. Having a baby is not easy for anyone. Stop trying to make it that way."
"I don't want to ruin this for Jasper."
"How?"
"I can tell he wants to talk about the baby. Include it. But he doesn't."
"He's thinking of you."
"I know."
Carlisle sighed, sitting down. "If you're not sure, that's fine. If it doesn't bother you to let Jasper enjoy the pregnancy too and include the baby, then let him know. Let him bond with it while you're pregnant. Your plan is for him to raise the baby, am I right?"
I nodded, unable to speak.
"Let him start now. But only if you can handle it."
"Alright."
He stood up as Jasper came back with a tray of food. Carlisle left once we started eating. After Jasper took care of the trash, I steadied myself to talk with him. As soon as he sat down, I leveled my eyes on him.
"Jasper, I don't want you to ignore the baby like I try and do. If you want to talk about it, then talk about it."
"I don't want to upset you."
"I know. But it hurts even more watching you fight being a father because I'm fighting being the mother. I don't know what I want anymore. And to be honest, I don't have the energy to think about it all the time. I'm hoping that maybe with the right help I can get better and learn to want the baby. But that doesn't mean you have to stop wanting it."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah."
"Darlin, you have to tell me if it gets to be to much."
"Jasper, I want you to promise me you'll think about yourself. Not just about me."
He gave in and nodded.
Forgetting about my thoughts, I pulled his hand over to the only spot left on my stomach, since the baby was still moving around. His face was amazed, eyes trained on his hand.
It was that look that made all the pain worth it.
I hope everyone sees how hard she is working to figure out how she feels, lol. Next chappie has a big blow up in it. Not to mention some mussiness too, lol.
Please leave lots of love! Hope i haven't lost everyone!
PS. DON'T FORGET THE POLL! Right now we are very close with 2 and 3, thanks!