Notes at the end – we know you want to get to it.
As always – not ours.
Chapter 21: The Things We Missed
Why? - B
Edward argued, but in the end, I wore him down and convinced him that he should sleep in my bed. He was so tired, and I was used to falling asleep on the couch in this house. He'd been to hell and back in the last week, and he deserved to get some sleep.
Thursday morning, my dad came and sat down on the floor next to me before he left.
"Billy called me yesterday. There is a bonfire down at La Push tonight. He extended an invite to you and Edward."
"Thanks, Dad. I think that would be fun."
He looked at me a bit skeptically. "Are you sure, Bells? That seems, well…"
My dad was worried that Edward would look down his nose at our friends. While Edward might be outside his comfort zone, he would never be malicious or hurtful. And he would love the beach.
"Dad, he'll love it. And it would give him a chance to meet everyone."
"Including Jake." My dad had never given up that hope.
"Yes, Dad, including Jake."
He kissed me on the head, and grabbed his hat off the coat tree.
"Hey Dad?" I called after him. He stopped in the doorway, and turned, waiting for me to continue.
"Act like the stuffy scary guy all you want. You didn't clean your gun last night, and I heard you talking baseball. Admit it."
He gave me a small smile. "Why say what you already know?"
He closed the door behind him. I couldn't help but smile. My dad liked Edward.
The moment I heard his cruiser pull out of the driveway, I was up the stairs. This time we didn't fall out of bed.
We spent the day traipsing around more trails. It was nice to be outside after months cooped up indoors. And we stopped to make out a lot. If Edward had his way, we would have truly experienced the great outdoors. No blanket and a fear of poison ivy put a damper on that.
This trip had been exactly what we both needed. A chance to get away, to just be us, something normal that we'd never experienced. If we wanted to stop and make out a random street corner, we could. Well, random forest path, but it was all the same thing. We'd never had a chance to do that. It was nice.
We got back to the house around four. There was just enough time to catch a quick nap before packing up to head down to La Push.
While Edward was in the kitchen throwing food in a tote, I went upstairs to find blankets to bring with us. But the linen closet was totally empty.
It struck me as odd. We used to have a ton of blankets in here. I couldn't imagine my Dad getting rid of stuff; he was too much of a pack rat.
"Want to pop back into your favorite place? I can't find any blankets." I called down the steps.
"Really?" I could hear the excitement in his voice. It was cute. Who would have thought that a superstore would do that to a man? Wonder what would happen if I ever took him to Costco. He'd probably need to buy the apartment across the hallway to store all the junk he would buy.
An hour later, with a bag loaded with food and a stack of plaid flannel blankets, we carefully navigated the rocky path down to First Beach. I had forgotten just how beautiful it was down here at sunset. The sky was crimson and purple, casting long shadows across the rock formations that jutted up out of the ocean.
"Now how is this for a view?" I looked back over my shoulder, smiling at his awed expression.
"It definitely wouldn't be bad seeing that out of your window every night."
I heard a shout of 'Bells!' and turned to see Jake and Seth Clearwater running up the path towards us. Jake picked me up in a bear hug, spinning me around.
"Jeez, Jake, do you ever stop growing?" He had always been large, but it felt like he had a good foot and a half on me. "You look like you could play for the Seahawks."
"They wouldn't want him; he can't take a hit," Seth quipped. Jake put me back down on the ground for Seth to give me a quick hug. "You look great, not a jaded New Yorker at all. Can't have an all black wearing east coaster in this family."
I stuck my tongue out at him. Seth was a few years younger than we were, and his spirit had always been infectious.
"Jake Black, Seth Clearwater." I held my hand up to gesture behind me. "Edward Cullen."
I watched Edward sizing Jake up, assessing the threat. It was kind of funny. He had nothing to be threatened by.
We all slipped into friendly banter as we made our way down to the beach. Jake peppered Edward with questions about what he did, how we met. It was endearing to see Jake trying to play the big brother, even though I was technically older. Edward fielded his questions graciously without giving too much away. He worked at his family's company along with his brother and his father. We met at a coffee shop on our way to work. It sounded so ridiculously simple when phrased like that.
My dad was already down at the beach, chatting with Jake's dad, Billy. I led Edward around the fire, introducing him to Billy, Sue Clearwater, and a number of the other La Push guys that I had hung out with my senior year of high school.
"Remind me to ask more questions later. I didn't realize when you said the La Push gang you were talking about a bunch of guys."
"I don't really think about them that way. To me it was like having a pack of big brothers. None of them ever thought of me that way. Anyway, you know all my romantic history in Washington."
Edward spread the blanket out on the sand, sat down and held his hand out to me. I dropped the tote on the corner of the blanket and flipped off my shoes before sitting down between his knees.
"Besides, all that counts is who I'm here with now, right?"
"You better believe it." He unzipped his jacket and leaned back on his hands.
"Subtle." I raised an eyebrow at him. "Will you be living in grey T shirts when not at work now?"
Edward laughed and gave me an innocent look. "I don't know what you're talking about."
His knees were bent and legs spread. I scooted up in between so that I could rest my head against his chest. He opened up his jacket and pulled it around me. It was a double benefit. I was close to him and sharing the warmth.
"People are starting to settle in. When it quiets down, one of the elders usually tells old tribe stories. It's a pretty cool experience. So much has been handed down through the generations this way."
We sat quietly, watching as people began to find spots around the bonfire.
"Why are the flames blue like that?" Edward murmured in my ear.
I smiled. So many little things that I took for granted growing up looked new and different through his eyes.
"It's driftwood. The salt water that absorbed in the wood makes the flames turn blue." I relaxed into him, enjoying the warmth and security of being in one of my favorite places with Edward. There was nothing but good memories here.
"I spent most of my summers down here when I was little. I loved playing around by the tide pools, looking for starfish and anemone. I honestly don't think I could ever live anywhere landlocked. I need water too much."
"I didn't know that about you."
"When we first met, it was too cold to be outside much. Then, well, it was just hard to be outside." I sighed, hating how complicated our lives had become. "When it's warm enough, I go down to Battery Park, spread out a blanket and read. It's not the ocean, but it gets me close."
"When it's warmer, we'll have to spend some time in Southampton. The beach is different than the one here, but you can still get your fix."
Going to Southampton meant most likely interacting with his family. Edward didn't mention them specifically, but the inference was there. Tiny steps forward.
"Hey, how about a toast to the happy couple?" I heard Billy call. Edward stiffened against me. I had hoped to escape the scrutiny. This trip was supposed to allow us to be normal, to get rid of all the drama…
"Yeah! To Charlie and Sue," I heard someone else call. "Have you guys set a date yet?"
I sat bolt upright, looking around the bonfire. Charlie and Sue? It couldn't be him. My dad wasn't dating anyone, let alone thinking about marriage. He would have said something. There had to be another Charlie.
But there they were, sitting arm and arm on the other side of the fire. Sue Clearwater beamed radiantly. My father looked at me with eyes wide.
And then it all made sense. The 'emergency' that trumped dinner Tuesday night, why I couldn't find anything in the kitchen, the empty linen closet. I came home, but my dad had moved on. Just like Renee did. Just like they all did.
"Bella…" I heard him call out. But I didn't want to listen to excuses or platitudes. I took off down the beach, not quite running but not quite walking either. I could hear people calling out my name, but I kept going. I had to get away.
How could he do this? He was all I had. The one person I could always count on to be there for me, to believe in me, to make everything better. He was my mother, my father, my everything. Christ, we talked every week, sometimes more. How could he leave something so important out of our conversations? What else had he not told me?
He had replaced me. He had someone new, a family to go to. All the hurt, all the old memories of Renee leaving came flooding back. I hadn't been good enough for her life. She left me behind to find something new. Charlie was doing the same thing.
Only it was million times worse. I never really knew her, but my Dad was all I'd ever known.
What was it about me that drove them away? Why was I never good enough? If my own parents can't love me enough to stay around, what does that say about anyone else?
Piles of driftwood loomed ahead, blocking my ability to progress any further without doing bodily harm. I was at a dead end. Literally and physically.
I dropped to my knees in the sand, arms wrapped around my waist as I sobbed. It was wet and cold, but I didn't care. Numb would be better than what I felt right now.
Someone draped a blanket around my shoulders, and strong arms pulled me up out of the sand. I didn't fight; I wasn't capable. I couldn't fight anymore. I was so damn tired of it.
Edward sat down in the sand and pulled me into his lap. He didn't say a word, just held on to me and let me cry.
"Why couldn't I be enough to make them want to stay?" I gasped, struggling to catch my breath. "He's all I had. And he's going off to create a whole life without me. He doesn't want me anymore. Why does everyone leave me?"
Signs - E
So many clues. I'd missed them all. It had been so easy for her to mold her life to mine. She'd gone off to New York on her own, created so few new relationships. She was my hope, my strength, and all the while she was still a hurt little girl inside. Her mom's absence wasn't without pain. Of course not.
Her toughness was a shield she crafted to avoid the pain, to keep from getting too close to anyone.
Anyone who met her would think she was invincible. A force. The way she took on my family. Her valiant attempt to protect me. It was merely an extension of protecting herself.
I rocked her lightly in my arms, and ran my hand down her hair over and over again. Periodically, I kissed her forehead. I waited until her sobs dwindled before saying anything.
What surprised me in this moment was that instinct kicked in. Something I didn't know I had. I once helped Tanya get over a bad break up, but I brought her a bottle of Grey Goose, and we threw darts at his picture. Otherwise, the superficial nature of my relationships had never lent themselves to this kind of need to comfort. I didn't know when someone you loved hurt like this, you had no choice, you wanted to help. Needed it.
And I didn't want to diffuse or dismiss. I wanted to help her face her fears, the way she had done with me. I briefly wondered if being with me had stolen her strength.
Maybe it was time for me to give it back.
"I'm here, Bella. You're not alone. I'm not going anywhere."
"You can't promise that."
It wasn't an attack. It was a fact. "I know that many people make promises they can't keep. I don't break mine, Bella."
"Edward, people stand before God and they make vows, and years, hell months later, they're done. Fighting over who gets the dog. Best friends drift apart after years of saying nothing could ever come between them. You might intend to keep it, but you really can't promise."
I hated her bitterness. But I understood it. I asked the question because she needed to find the answer herself, but I was as gentle as I could be.
"Did he really leave?"
"No, but he didn't tell me. He shut me out. He's moving on."
"Maybe . . . maybe he thought you were the one who moved on." Something very heavy fell on my chest with that realization. I wasn't just talking about her dad right then. "Bella, I know relationships fail. I'm not naïve. But not all of them do. My parents have been married for 33 years. And they still love each other deeply. There's never been one time either of them seriously considered splitting up. Obviously, my brother and I just had a fight, but we'll get through it. Jasper and I have been friends since we were kids. Sometimes we go through spells where we don't talk, but then something brings us back together. Not everyone leaves, Bella. And even when they take different directions, it doesn't mean you can't go with them."
And that's when I was sure I wasn't just talking about her.
We were silent for a while. I thought she might be getting upset with me, and I didn't want to risk adding insult to injury. As we sat there, her still in my lap, we both turned when her dad croaked, "Bella?"
He came over by us and knelt down. "Can we talk?"
I looked down at her. She was staring at her lap. After a pause, she looked up at me, and nodded. I kissed the top of her head, and said, "I'll be by the fire if you need me," and I whispered and quietly as I could. "I'm not going anywhere."
The Parent Trap - B
"I didn't want you to find out like this."
I laughed, but there was no humor in it.
"What, Dad, were you waiting for the wedding invitations to be printed? Hey Bella, hope you are free this weekend, because I'm getting married?"
We were both quiet for a minute. Neither sure what to say next.
"I didn't say anything because I didn't want to hurt you. You had enough going on in your life with Edward."
"Dad, I somehow doubt that this is that recent of a development. Don't use him as an excuse. We both deserve better than that."
He sighed and took my hand.
"I wanted to tell you. I swear I did. But every time I tried, I felt like I was going to disappoint you." He paused, looking out over the water. "Do you remember the summer you were ten, and Renee came here to spend time with you?"
I nodded. It was when I still hoped that they could work everything out. I had so desperately wanted them to get back together, for her to come back to us.
"I told Billy that was the Parent Trap summer. You did everything you could to throw us together." He sighed and continued. "When I started dating Sue that was all I could think of. I felt selfish, like I was destroying your dream."
"Dad, Renee has been gone for almost twenty five years. I'm not ten anymore. I know she's not coming back. We've all moved on. Do you think that I would begrudge your happiness because of some stupid fantasy I had when I was a kid?"
He didn't answer me for a long time.
"It wasn't a stupid fantasy, Bells. It was what you wanted. Heck, for a while, I wanted it too. But it wasn't real."
"I know that, Dad."
He squeezed my hand. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I should have. I just didn't want to hurt you any more than you already had been."
I didn't say anything. I knew if I did, I would start crying again. And I was tired of it. Tired of the pain, tired of the disappointment, tired of letting their mistakes guide my life. I had let it rule me for almost twenty five years. It was time to pack it all away.
My dad stood up. "I'm going back to the fire. Do you want to walk back with me?"
I shook my head. "I'm going to stay here for a bit."
"Do you want me to have him come back?" He meant Edward.
I nodded my head.
"Don't let our mistakes close you off, Bells. I see how you look at him. And I can tell from little I've seen of him that he's worthy of you. I never thought I would say that about any man other than Jake, but he is."
I gave him a small smile. "Thanks, Daddy."
"I love you, Bells. More than you could ever know."
He turned and walked away. But Edward was right, just because he wasn't there didn't mean he was gone.
Perspective - E
Going back to the party was awkward. No one said anything, and they were talking amongst themselves, but occasionally someone would glance over at me. They all seemed like nice enough people, but they didn't know me, and really, what could they say? I wasn't used to sitting by myself at a party though. I've always had people seeking me out. It made me uncomfortable. I knew I was a fish out of water this whole trip, but I was doing my best to take things as they came.
To say that the past week had been exhausting would be the understatement of the year. Between everything that happened with my family, the travel, and sleeping some place different every night, I was drained. I wasn't sure whether the physical or the emotional was overwhelming me more.
Sitting there on the beach by myself surrounded by a crowd of people who had no idea what to think of me, I realized that even with all my family conflict, it was still easier to face the stress you knew versus the unfamiliar.
I stared at the fire, and after a few minutes, a beer can popped in front of my face.
"Hey, you look like you could use one," Jake said as he plopped down on the sand next to the blanket.
"Thanks." I took a swig. It was cheap, watered down beer, but I was polite and continued to drink it.
"She's pretty upset huh?"
I nodded. "It was a shock."
"She didn't know at all?"
"Nope."
"Huh. I guess that's not too surprising. Charlie did always want to protect her."
"Protecting and sheltering are two different things," I ventured cautiously. He tilted his head to the side.
"You really love her." I turned to look at him. It was a simple statement. Not a question. I didn't have a response. "She deserves that. I thought for a long time that she'd come home one day and realize she had been madly in love with me after all those years."
I raised an eyebrow. I had a hunch there had been more to the Jake and Bella story.
"She never saw me like that, or anything, and she really didn't come home much. And I got over that fantasy anyway. So, don't worry, I'm not going to fight you for he or anything." I snorted. Kid could probably take me as big as he was. "Just . . . be good to her okay?"
"You don't have to worry about that, Jake."
"Edward?" I heard Charlie before I noticed him standing next to me. "She asked for you."
"Is she okay?"
"I think she's better." He looked down, and then shuffled off to Sue who seemed to be absolutely fretting. I hadn't seen much emotion from him in the days I'd been here, but it was clear that Sue brought out something in him. I knew Bella would never begrudge him that.
Bella was sitting where I left her, drawing in the sand with her fingers. She was looking my way, and she smiled when I came up.
Her eyes looked weary, and her face was blotchy from crying.
"I guess I overreacted huh?"
I shrugged. I really hadn't seen it that way. "Pretty understandable given everything I've put you through."
"Oh no way. You do not get to take credit for my break down, Cullen. This was vintage Bella, you know? I am pretty level headed about things like career and relationships but when emotion takes me, I go with it."
"My tie has noticed."
"Snot!" She nudged me with her elbow. "Thanks for being here."
"Well, you did tear me away from a great conversation with Jake, and I think I have a warm PBR waiting there for me."
"Edward, you know what I meant." She looked at me hard, and she gave me everything she had in that moment. Dropping the defenses, willing to believe that I wouldn't leave.
"I know." My thumb found the spot on her cheek that recharged me. This time, I think she felt it too. We stayed like that for a while—the emotion thick between us.
"So I can't believe you haven't said anything about going in the ocean. It's an awfully large volume of water for you not to notice."
"Oh it's crossed my mind. I figured it would be too cold. And I remembered what happened the last time you were cold and wet. I didn't think that would go over so well with your dad around."
"I thought you said those SUV seats reclined all the way." My smile turned to laughter. My hand was still on her face. I leaned in and kissed her. We stayed connected for a while. When we broke apart, she looked up at me. "Will you take me home, Edward?"
I pulled her in close, with her head resting under my chin. It was clear she wasn't talking about her father's house. She wanted comfort, familiarity. She meant New York. I wrapped my arms around her as tightly as I could without hurting her.
We'd come here to escape. I held on to the misconception that we might reclaim our bubble for an instant. The world was intent on bursting it. And I realized once and for all, the bubble didn't work.
It was time to leave our pasts behind. So much pain, so many regrets. We couldn't let it wreck havoc on our future.
I would take her wherever she wanted to go. I'd give her whatever she needed.
Lines about home ran through my head.
Home is where the heart is.
Home is where you hang your hat. I smiled for a moment thinking of Bella's Yankee cap hanging in my apartment.
In these months I had become immensely certain of one thing.
New York, Forks, Des Moines, Timbuktu. It really didn't matter where we were.
I whispered ever so softly into her hair as I held her on that beach.
"Should we go lawn mower shopping when we get back?"
She raised an eye brow, contemplating, and then she smiled.
"Sure, but I'd rather avoid the 20 pounds, if you don't mind."
It came out before I really thought about.
"You'll gain at least that with our first baby." I caught myself, and I saw that her eyes were wide.
She finally answered with a sly smile. "No lawn service for you. You need yard work to avoid that weight gain."
"Oh come on, wouldn't you still love me with a big gut?" I laughed.
"I'd love you no matter what Edward."
Whew, okay. Deep breath.
It's been challenging listening to everyone's comments on the Cullen family drama, Bella's strength, and Edward's baggage, as we knew all along the arc of this story. As we've said to the BATgirls on the twilighted thread – don't get so lost in the trees that you lose the forest. Edward did, big time.
Still lots to go – we enter the final 1/3 of the story now. There are still a lot of questions, issues to be resolved, and things to happen. Any guesses? Big surprises still afoot – so stay sharp!