Tobias/Four

I watch as Tris and I climb the Ferris wheel during capture the flag. I remember thinking how brave she was to climb that high.

How smart she was for even thinking to do it in the first place.

This is the moment I had truly fallen for her.

I wanted to be everything she is.

Hell, I still do.

The scene blurs and then Marcus injects more of the fear serum into me.

Again, the fear seeps through me and I let out a scream.

No one should have to feel this.

No one.

The scene plays for me again and instead of bravery I see instability and riskiness.

Tris is unstable.

Crazy.

Had I ever really thought she was anything else?

I don't want to watch her anymore, I don't want to see her or hear her name but another scene replaces that one quickly.

We are training in the dauntless compound. She is standing against a target and I am throwing knives at her, concentrating so hard in order not to nick her.

Why am I trying so hard not to nick her?

I can't remember.

The jab of a needle and spread of paranoia reminds me that Marcus is still here with me.

I watch the scene again and I am wishing now that the knife had made more contact with her than just her ear.

I want to make her bleed.

The scene changes again and I hear my own voice.

"My first instinct is to push you until you break, just to see how hard I have to press."

The word break sounds strange to me and then I am injected with the needle once more and the word break is the only thing I hear because it is the only thing I want to do to her.

"…want to see you awake…" I hear myself say.

I don't want to see this anymore.

I don't want to listen to it, but the sounds keeps playing, and echoing.

"Fear doesn't shut you down…down…down…"

Another job of a needle and my body is spinning.

"It wakes you up….up…up…"

Dangerous.

She's dangerous.

Fear doesn't shut her down.

It wakes her up.

Divergent.

My skin feels like it is crawling.

The things I feel about this girl on the screen are insurmountable.

I can't breathe.

The screen stops flashing images at me and suddenly I am no longer in the chair. I am standing in the dauntless training room.

How did I get here?

Is this even real?

Tris is standing in front of the target board, daring me to hit her. There's a tray of knives next to me and I grab one, my hand closing tightly around the handle.

Instinctively, I know what I am supposed to do but I don't know if I can manage it.

After all, she's just a girl.

I feel a pinch in the side of my neck and I realize, no. She is not just a girl. She is dangerous.

The knife leaves my hand and heads directly for the target.

I don't get to watch it make contact however.

The room blurs and I am back in the chair, I'm not sure that I had ever really left it.

I feel heavy and dizzy.

"Tobias…"

I hear my name but I have no idea who is saying it, or why.

My eyes close of their own accord and in seconds my world goes black.

Evelyn

"This is insane; we can't just keep injecting him with fear serum. He's going to go crazy, Marcus and that was never the plan!"

Marcus surveys me from his desk and then nods.

"Perhaps you're right." He says softly. "We are switching to peace serum soon anyway."

I stare at him, mouth open slightly.

"Peace serum? Why?"

"I told you I was going to help you, Evelyn. Peace serum will be used to help Tobias remember his childhood in a different way."

"You're going to brainwash him into believing that you didn't abuse him and that I didn't abandon him?"

"That's exactly what I'm going to do."

"Why?" I breathe.

"I told you. We need his trust, Evelyn."

I take a deep breath trying not to be angry, but it is almost impossible with Marcus.

"You want him to hate Tris and trust us so that he can do your dirty work and murder her? He'll never come back from that, Marcus. Do you care about him at all?"

"This was never about caring, Evelyn. You know that."

I shake my head slowly. "For you. It was never about caring for you."

"If you're having second thoughts Evelyn I suggest you squash them, because without me he'll never trust you again."

I hate him.

But he's right.

I sit back in my seat guilt trickling through me like acid.

Tris

Everyone is arguing about whether or not we should attempt to storm Marcus's new headquarters.

It is clear now that that is where Tobias is. There was never really any other explanation. Just wishful thinking.

Cara is trying to track him by figuring out where he sent the Tablet blast from but it's taking a long time.

Cara is good with a computer, but Caleb is even better.

Caleb pulls the laptop off of her lap and she stares up at him.

"Let me try for awhile." He says and Cara leans back against the couch.

Savannah, Gabe, Zeke and Shauna had shown up a couple of hours ago but I've barely spoken to any of them.

I am having trouble doing anything but breathing and even that is a challenge at this point.

I watch Caleb as he types meticulously, his eyes engrossed in the screen

As I watch my head starts to feel heavy and strange.

Wrong.

Something is shifting but I can't tell what it is.

Then I realize it's because it isn't me.

Something is shifting inside of Tobias and I am feeling it.

"Are you okay?" Uriah asks, staring at me.

I probably look ridiculous.

I certainly feel ridiculous.

I look up at him and shake my head slowly.

"I think I know why they took him." I say softly.

Zeke raises his eyebrows. "Why?"

I shake my head slowly. "They're changing him…I don't know why or how but..."

"How do you know that?" Cara asks.

"I don't know…I…I feel it."

"Feel what?" Cara presses.

"Uh…like…a shift inside, but…it's not inside of me. I just feel the impact, like an aftershock from an earthquake."

Savannah is on the other side of the room but when she speaks everyone turns to her.

"She's telling the truth. It's a really strange feeling."

I lock eyes with her for a moment. The only other person in the room that knows I'm not crazy.

"Change him how?"

I shake my head quickly. "I don't know." I breathe.

Then, all at once it hits me, all of Tobias' pain and hurt and confusion, his inner rage.

All of it.

It washes over me like warm water.

It takes me all of a couple seconds to decide that I can't wait any longer.

I stand up instantly and head for the door.

"Hey, where the hell are you going?" Caleb says standing up quickly.

I turn to look at him.

"I have to find him. You don't understand. He's in trouble. He's in…pain. I…" I close my eyes.

"Tris—"

"He would do it for me! He wouldn't just be sitting here, waiting…waiting for something to happen, he would already be saving me because that's what he does and now it's my turn!"

No one says anything and the silence makes me crazy.

"I have to help him." I whisper.

Cara nods. "I understand. I really do, but Tris, you can't do it alone. Tobias wouldn't have wanted you to go in unprepared. He wants you alive. We need a plan."

I know she's right, but something inside of me is telling me to go and to go now.

I close my eyes for a moment and take a deep breath trying to shove down the desperate sick feeling I have.

We are wasting time.

But there is nothing I can do about it right now.

Tobias/Four

I have been in this chair for hours and my whole body feels stiff. I don't know how many times I've vomited but I'm pretty sure there is nothing left in my stomach.

I have been alone for almost an hour.

I don't know when Marcus left the room but it's been quiet for a long time.

I am almost asleep when the door creaks open again.

"Tobias."

I lift my head up to see Marcus again. He has another syringe in his hands and my stomach drops.

I don't want to do this anymore.

I'm done.

He comes close to me and then places the tablet on my lap again.

"Not her. I don't want to see her."

Marcus shakes his head.

"No, not her this time, However, I'm happy to see you've come around to the correct way of thinking."

He watches me for a moment and then turns to me tilting his head slightly.

"What does it mean to you when I say the name Beatrice Prior."

My whole body shakes violently.

Thinking about her makes me want to vomit all over again.

I don't respond, because I don't know how.

I don't know how to express the hatred mixed with paranoia and a little bit of something else that I can't quite describe.

Marcus just smiles.

The tablet starts playing and my eyes move towards it.

I watch as a little boy version of me, eats dinner with a younger version of Marcus.

Dread fills my stomach.

This is not a good memory.

Nothing about my childhood or my father was ever a good memory and then I feel the pinch of the needle into my neck.

Instant calm flows through me all the way to my finger tips.

Suddenly, nothing seems that bad.

It's just dinner.

Dinner with my father.

My father.

Another jab of the needle.

The scene changes and I am speaking with my mother after she'd sent me a message in dauntless.

The tablet version of me is so angry.

I don't know why.

I'm so content right now

My mother.

Another jab of the needle and I am at a complete ease.

More scenes flash before me.

My father cutting my hair before choosing day.

My mother washing the dishes.

A jab of the needle.

I am so light that I feel like I could float.

What had I been so afraid of about being here?

I am fine.

I am safe.

Aren't I?

More images of my parents flash through the screen and I feel nothing but sweet contentment and security.

Then the world starts to spin and it all goes black for the second time today.