Chapter 21

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Olivia curses under her breath when she arrives at her apartment building. Sitting on the front steps is the last person she wants to see right now. "Liv, we need to talk."

"There's nothing to talk about, James. You're innocent. I'm sorry. What more do you want me to say?"

"We can't just walk away without saying anything."

"Fine, say what you need to say." James crosses his arms and Olivia mirrors his action impatiently.

"You told me you trusted me."

"It's kinda hard to trust you when I have a sexually abused little girl sitting in front of me."

"She never said it was me. She told you the exact opposite, actually. Her mother made that accusation and she only made it because she's a pathetic drunk milking her daughter's cancer for sympathy. You should have taken one whiff of her breath and known she was just pointing the finger at the most convenient suspect. You should have trusted me, Liv."

"Are you done?" James looks surprised and confused. "What do you want me to say, James? I fucked up. Happy?" James opens his mouth to say something, then realizes he has no idea what to say and closes it again. "Just leave me alone."

"That's not what I want. I want you to trust me."

"I did, and I got hurt."

"But I didn't do anything to hurt you."

"And that's what makes it even worse. I couldn't get over it. I thought I could, but I couldn't. I couldn't let myself believe you were innocent. I couldn't risk being wrong about you, making that mistake, and I ended up making an even bigger one. It's not even about trusting you anymore. I don't trust myself enough to get over this. What if something like this happens again? What if some other girl's mom find out about your past and takes it too far?"

"You won't make that mistake again."

"But how do I know? So you didn't hurt Lucy, so what? I was an idiot to think I could actually trust you."

"You can..."

"No, you don't get it. No matter what you say, no matter what you do, I'll always have that doubt. I can't do this, James. I can't get hurt again, not like that. I feel like a fool." James steps towards her, his hands going to hers but she pushes him away.

"Don't do this, Liv. Every relationship is a risk."

"Fine, let's just say we do fix this. Let's say we go on dating, and then get married. I want children, James, but how the hell am I supposed to trust you not to hurt them?"

"I can't believe you think I would do that."

"That's just it, James. There's part of me that's screaming at me to stop being such an idiot, that I shouldn't let this ruin my life. But there's another part of me that just can't get over it, can't trust you. And as long as that part exists, this can't work."

James looks crushed and Olivia has to look away. It breaks her heart to see him like this, to know that this must be hurting him just as much as it's hurting her. After all, he's being unjustly accused of something he didn't actually do. Olivia knows she should realize this, should accept his innocence and move on. And if his past had never happened, if he had had a normal childhood, she would be able to. But she had trouble trusting him before Sarah's accusations, and now she knows she'll never stop questioning him. She can't put him through that, and she can't put herself through that. She doesn't want to hurt him, but he'll only get hurt more in the future if they stay together.

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"You can't have a relationship without trust, right?"

"You know, this really isn't fair. Disguising our session as an evening out."

"Worried you won't get paid?" Brian says, sipping her drink.

"I help a lot of other people, and I can't do that without..."

"Quit it you two. Relax, Brittany, I'll pay you for tonight. But you're buying your own drinks."

"That's fair," Brittany says, smiling. "You're right, you can't have a relationship without trust. By why is it so hard for you to trust him? He's innocent, isn't he?"

"I should never have doubted him in the first place. If I really trusted him I wouldn't have assumed he was guilty. I wasn't just worried he might be guilty, I was so convinced he was guilty that I was trying to get Lucy to confess what I thought I knew rather than getting to the real rapist."

"It's your job to help rape victims, Olivia. You can't blame yourself for your vision being clouded by Sarah's accusations," Brian assures her.

"She's a drunk! I should have known right then that something was off. She researched his background, that should have been a huge red flag."

"You were afraid of being wrong. It's one thing to be wrong about your compatibility someone. It's another thing entirely to stand behind a rapist only to discover he's guilty. I'm sure you wanted to believe in his innocence, but if you had stood behind him and been wrong, you never would have recovered. You knew that and you did what you felt you had to do to protect yourself. No one blames you for that."

Olivia sighs and leans back against the wall, stretching her legs out on the seat. The booth is quiet and comfortable, but Olivia misses her favourite restaurant. She hasn't been able to step foot inside since the whole mess with James started. Brian and Brittany are sitting across from her, both sipping wine. Olivia is on her third screwdriver and she's pretty sure she needs to stop drinking, but she hasn't indulged in a while and the circumstances warrant more than a few coolers.

"If his childhood had been different," Brian asks, "would you be able to trust him now?"

"I don't know."

"You wouldn't have acted any differently, though," Brittany says, and both Olivia and Brian look at her. "Well, it's true. Whether or not he had that past, no matter how much you trusted him beforehand, that job has left its mark on you. You still would have protected yourself, still been unable to stand behind him. And it really doesn't matter whether or not changing his past would change your opinion now because you can't change his past."

"I'm just saying, you shouldn't let his past get in the way of you both being happy."

"You're probably right, I shouldn't let it get in my way. But I can tell myself that all I want, it won't change anything. He deserves to be with someone who can trust him."

"And you deserve to be with the man you love. You can't just give up," Brian urges.

"You say that like I have a choice. I'm not giving up, I'm...accepting what I can't change."

Brittany shakes her head. "Maybe you should put more effort into changing it."