Chapter 20: On the Outside Looking In
True to his word Saturday rounded quickly on Severus.
As he looked around the room and counted the many scatters of boxes, he felt a rush of relaxation that he hadn't felt in quite some time.
What did unnerve him was the wails of bellowing cries coming through the wall.
She'd locked herself into the bedroom at six a.m. as soon as he'd woken up and was showered. She refused to eat. She refused to let him in. When he magically opened the lock and he peered into the room, Beatrice lay sprawled on the bed crying into a pillow or staring queerly at the ceiling, her eyes unmoving.
It disturbed Severus, but his resolve was steady.
IIII
He arrived at the gates of Hogwarts stronger than when he had left. He never realized how hard it would really be to walk out of that cottage and know that it was for good. As he walked the steps that he had walked numerously before, it struck Severus that the closer he was to Hogwarts, the more he was at home.
Hogwarts was his home and had always been his true home.
This is where he needed to be.
As he entered the Great Hall he saw the woman he was looking for.
"Professor, can I speak with you privately?"
"Of course, Professor Snape! I was just heading back to my office. Would you care to join me?"
"Yes, thank you."
As they walked side by side in the silence, a strange effect was coming over Severus. The joviality of the headmistress infected him and reminded him so much of Albus. A smile replaced his typical scowl.
Roberta Collins whispered her secret password and began walking up the spiral staircase to her office. As they entered the office that had changed not a wink since the many years of Dumbledore's passing, Snape took the seat directly opposite the headmistress's chair.
"What can I do you for?" Roberta sat rather ungracefully in her chair and leaned over her desk her chin resting on her palm.
"I know it is customary to offer room and board for both students and professors alike, here at Hogwarts," Severus began, wondering how he could possibly make this less awkward for himself.
"Mmmhmm…" Severus couldn't help but notice her eyes widen a bit.
"I was merely inquiring if that offer still stood for me?" Silently he begged that she would remain mum and not ask any questions.
"Well, of course it is. Why you would need it I haven't the slightest…." Headmistress Collins quickly ended her sentence unfinished at the raise of Snape's eyebrow. "We have plenty of room available here on the ground floor. It is highly accessible."
"Yes. I was also wondering if it might not be too much to ask to have my old quarters in the dungeon."
"Well of course its empty down there… if that's what you prefer—"
"Thank you. I assume I can move my things in immediately?"
"Whenever you like Professor Snape."
Severus stood, quite pleased with himself that he had accomplished such a trying task without so much as a personal survey.
As he turned to leave the befuddled Roberta, he happened to notice the slight wink of Dumbledore's portrait.
IIII
This is it, she thought. There must be more to life than this… this feeling.
She sat at her desk, her quill perched over an empty page. Her own distractions awakened her.
The old obsession, the inability to think encircled her. It frightened her.
Her entire life had been about structure. Organization was who she was and had always been. This is what made sense to her.
Recently she had learned that loving made it hard to do much of anything. Loving was her focus.
What if it wasn't reciprocated? What if she was all alone, the way she had felt for so many years?
Was it worth it? The pain? Was it worth losing concentration?
I've never been this girl. I don't want to be this girl.
Maybe fighting wasn't the answer any longer. Maybe it was time to live and let live.
IIII
It was his fifth knock on the door.
There had been no answer. No noise.
He wondered if she was even home.
She didn't just sit around waiting for him.
He leaned against the doorframe content to wait.
She'd waited so long, why couldn't he show the same courtesy?
Lost in his own mind he let himself drift mentally over the past five years of his life. The bad seemed to outweigh the good so much, yet this did not disturb him. What surprised Severus was that the one constant, the one continuously good aspect of his life had been Hermione. Since the moment they had begun to connect in the dreamscape he had found a similar soul in her. It had been the most shocking thing of all. He had been an ass to let it slip away. Yet, this too, was such a Snape- like behavior that it didn't surprise him in the least.
Finally after some time he heard approaching footsteps up the walk.
She was looking down at her feet as they moved briskly along the steps up to her flat, her hands full, tightly gripping shopping bags.
"Severus, what are you doing here?" She asked a bit confused when she finally looked up to see his dark presence standing in her doorway.
"I need to talk to you." In a strange way he had the urge to call her 'Ms. Granger'. It almost made him laugh. They'd both moved past such formalities long ago. He waited patiently as she unlocked the apartment and walked in.
"Please, come in."
A red flag went off in Severus' mind. Something was amiss.
"Is anything the matter?"
Hermione spun around and locked her eyes on his own, reading him.
"No… should something be the matter?"
"Hermione, did I do something to upset you?" Her standoffish attitude was altogether too uncomfortable. His well-known wall began to build its way back up.
"I don't know, Snape, did you?"
"Snape?" Irritation rose in his chest. "Look, I don't know what's going on, but I suppose I should let you know that I came here to tell you that I left Beatrice." Resolute, he straightened his back and took a step towards the door. "In case you were wondering or had any curiosity at all, I'm staying in the dungeons of Hogwarts." Her face stayed unwavering, and as he attempted to look into her mind he saw that she was countering him. He opened the door. "It was nice to see you, Ms. Granger."
IIII
What have I done?
The question reverberated in her mind as she sat in the dark of her apartment.
Why have I done such a stupid thing?
It is better to be alone to be living with such pain, she reminded herself.
But what of this pain?
She stopped her inner monologue, blinking into the shadows.
Does it matter either way?
He didn't seem too concerned when he left, that much was for sure.
Was this truly a one-sided love for all this long time?
She laughed an awkward, uncomfortable laugh that sounded so loud in the dead silence.
This is Severus Snape after all.