Perry's POV
"Come on Perry, please eat something!"
I stared blankly down at the food bowl out in front of me with platypus food I had previously refused to eat literally spilling over the top. Phineas pushed it forward, urging me desperately to eat something, but I ignored the wrath of my empty, churning stomach and pushed it away. I looked up at Phineas, his huge, innocent dark blue eyes sparkling with worry and concern as he just about gave up trying to get me to eat something. I quickly looked away after a few moments. I couldn't look into his dark-blue eyes, they reminded me to much of…you know who.
In fact it wasn't just his eyes, but absolutely everything around me reminded me of him. Lab coats, scientists, really anything that was relatively evil almost made me snap. I couldn't even put on my fedora anymore without getting a flood of memories—both good and bad. It was almost as if the entire world was doing this on purpose, just trying to push me over the edge.
And for the most part, it was working. Every moment I would feel the everlasting stack of sorrows and sadness pile up heavier on top of me, threatening to weigh me down and shatter my heart completely underneath. I was my own ticking time bomb of depression, readying to finally crack under pressure whilst I gradually lost my sanity. The whole incident had left an empty chunk taken out of my life and a huge hole in my heart, like I was the one who had gotten shot. And I should have been. I literally dodged a bullet back there, but at what cost? I might as well have gotten hit, since I'd rather be dead than continue to suffer through this living hell.
I heard Phineas sigh in disappointment at my rejection to eat and slowly get up to walk away. I felt sorry for him, feeling sorry for me. He shouldn't feel so bad for me, I don't want him to get more wrapped up in my own problems than he already was.
"What's wrong honey?"
I recognized Linda's voice coming from the other room. I cleared my jumbled thoughts a little so that I could eavesdrop on their distant conversation which I could just vaguely overhear through the walls.
"Mom, Perry won't eat. He won't drink, he won't sleep. He won't do anything!" I heard Phineas's anxious, worried voice say.
I sighed half heartedly. What was the point of eating? What was the point of sleeping? I might as well just lay here for the rest of my days and hopefully die of ultimate dehydration and starvation.
"Oh Phineas, he's really depressed right now." Linda told him in a gentle, reassuring voice. I scoffed at her interpretation of my condition. Depressed. If that wasn't an understatement than I don't know what is.
"But mom! He can't just keep this up…he'll kill himself of starvation!" Phineas said, more fear and angst in his tone now as he nearly shouted back at his mother.
"Phineas, dear, just give him time. You have to look at this from Perry's point of view. How would you feel if you lost someone important in your life? What if you lost Ferb or Candace? How depressed would you be?" Linda said. She wasn't helping at all bringing up the topic. I could kill Carl for telling her and Lawrence about this whole mess. They really didn't need to know more than they needed to, for their sake and mine.
"Alright." Phineas said mournfully, giving up on trying to tell his mom other wise. "But I just don't want him to go too."
After their conversation was over, I tried as hard as I could to mentally refurbish myself. I needed to clear my thoughts out completely now and then when on such subjects in order to keep myself sane. If I got too deep into that topic for too long I would surely snap. And after those first few days, I don't think anyone in this house wants to hear me cry again.
Speaking of which, I should probably explain what had happened after the extremely tragic events that occurred just a week and a half ago. It's weird, it feels like an eternity had gone by since then.
Okay, I'll try to do this without getting too specific for my sake. Right after…that incident at the O.W.C.A. on that catastrophically heart-shattering afternoon not to long ago, things got better and worse. Major Monogram had finally gotten what that bastard deserved, a beat down delivered by his own league of agents. I'm sorry to disappoint you but he's not dead. I apologize for ruining your fun there, but if I wasn't so depressed I would have done something about it. I guess he learned his lesson, or at least so much pain that he's suffering physically just as much as I am mentally right now. Right after the animal agents had scratched, bit, and overall beaten the crap out of him the police peeled his injured body of the floor and carted him away to the hospital to tend to his aching wounds. He's recovering ask I speak, but he better not get too comfortable because as soon as he's out of the infirmary he's facing a long line of murder charges that will surely keep the man in prison for life. As good as that sounds…it didn't really help my circumstances much. No matter how much that horribly evil malicious freak of a man suffered, it would never take my agonizing pain away, or fill the vacant hole left eating away at what was left of my fragile heart.
Ugh! Okay, clear my mind, clear my mind…
Sorry, I was getting a little too off topic and onto my other issue again. I sometimes have to remind myself to stay away from the topics that might send me into another crying fit. Speaking of which—and I know this is going to hurt a little bit to think about but I'll give it a shot—I'll describe exactly what had happened to me that horrible day.
Once Francis was all taken care of, I was the next mess that investigators had to practically pry off the floor and haul away. It took Phineas, Ferb, Candace, Pinky, and like four or five police officers to even get me to leave the room, as I still refused to leave his side even after I knew he was gone forever. But even after they got me to leave it still took quite a few days afterward to finally seize my intensive sobbing. And even though I finally stopped bawling my eyes out over the issue about three or four days ago I still feel like my heart is crying it self out inside of me as I endure this excessive misery.
As for the others, I heard that Carl had taken the responsibility of cleaning up the aftermath of the situation. He had talked to Linda and Lawrence, who had assumed that their children had been kidnapped and you could only imagine the tremendous relief they felt once they knew that Phineas, Ferb, and Candace were alright. The thing they didn't take lightly though was exactly what had happened to them. At first they were too apprehensive to believe it, but after a long, long explanation they finally accepted the fact that I was a secret agent. But I still regretted that Carl told them exactly why I was so depressed. I feel uncomfortable and even a little humiliated that basically the whole world knew about the reason for my sorrow now. Though the embarrassment of it all was vaguely even present, since my severe mournfulness and misery pretty much washed away all my other emotions.
Anyways, Pinky and Peter were sent home as well. Carl used the inato—oops. Caught myself there. I swear to God if I say or even think that word once I'll start bawling again. So Carl used the device we had used to speak human to restore Pinky and Peter's voices, since they didn't want to speak English for the rest of their lives. I however kept my new voice. I didn't want to hear my chattering noise ever again. It was yet another thing that brought back too many memories. I had to be really careful about these things.
Speaking of careful, I noticed my family was going to the extremes to keep me remotely okay. I haven't the slightest idea why they would even attempt to try and get me happy again, since I would never EVER be the least bit happy about anything ever again for the rest of my existence, but I still appreciated them being cautious when mentioning stuff like that around me. For instance, things that were strictly off limits to discuss around me were his name or him in general, or anything in detail about that day or anything that had happened during that specific mission. Also past memories that involved him at all were not to be brought up either. Don't think I'm being pushy about this or anything, Carl's the one who told them. I for one hadn't even spoken a word since that day. And if I did I would have told everyone flat out that they didn't have to be this careful around me. Sure I was on the edge of my own sanity and losing my mind even faster than Major Monogram himself, but I felt like some sort of mental case when everyone was avoiding talking to me at all and just kind of leaving me in my fluffy little platypus bed to cry my eyes out every now and then. Don't get me wrong, I needed to be alone, but I hated being a burden on everyone while I was this out of it.
I shook my head back and forth, trying to erase my thoughts as they trailed off topic again. That was enough thinking for the day. I laid my head down on my bed, staring up at the milky white ceiling and letting the blank, emotionless feeling that I've been enduring for the past few days take control again. It was better to feel absolutely empty of all feeling and emotion than be so sad. Besides, I felt how my heart felt, and right now my heart was empty, so therefore I was empty. I closed my eyes, hoping to start drifting off but having no luck as the sensation of sleepiness failed to drift me off into unconsciousness. I had been undergoing insomnia for this entire week and a half now, not getting a second's sleep since that dreadful day that ruined my life. So just like my eating habits my sleep had been thrown drastically off course as well. My eyelids felt about five tons heavier than usual as they struggled to clamp down and shut out the world. But my brain just wouldn't connect that action with sleep, no matter how drowsy I felt.
The lack of sleep and constant crying had also burdened me with a splitting, throbbing head ach that rang through my head as loud as thousands of church bells echoing through my ears at once. I squinted my eyes shut and shuddered as my skull felt like it was cracking open under pressure.
The only thing that was aggravating me more than my head—well, physically aggravating me at least, mentally was another story—was my stomach. Due to my decline to eat anything my stomach had basically shriveled up as it deteriorated the last bits of nourishment that were stored in there. It was churning and swirling around so much and scraping against the lining of my stomach that it felt like my digestive juices were burning me like acid and eating me from the inside out. But still I just wasn't in the mood to eat, no matter how painstakingly irritating and agonizing this immense hunger was while it tore away at me.
Overall I must have been a mess. I was without proper food or sleep for over a week now and deep, black rings had formed under my eyes to signal my sleep deprived stance. All together I was less than half awake, and still alleged to burst into tears at any moment. I just constantly wished I would die. I wanted someone to just put a gun to my head and pull the trigger. I couldn't bear to live anymore! Anything was better than living through this constant hell! When was this ever going to end?
"H-hello? Anyone home?"
I heard a small, weak, shaky voice call out following a sudden knocking at the front door. I listened closely and noticed someone running to answer it, by the sound of the small, light foot steps it was probably Phineas. The voice that came from the unknown visitor was unmistakably Carl's. I silently disembarked from my other mangled thoughts and pondered why he would be here. It was either really bad news or really good news, and I doubted even the slim plausibility of any relatively good news at the point, so I just suspected him to have something else for me to cry about.
"Oh, come right in Carl! What brings you here?" I heard Phineas greet him as the red headed teenager entered the house.
They both walked into the kitchen to continue their conversation, but being in the living room just one room away even with my throbbing headache and severe lack of sleep and overall concentration I was still able to eavesdrop pretty easily. Maybe it was just my years of experience or intense secret agent training, but being a spy it was pretty effortless to listen in on people's conversation from afar. Kind of like the way I could single out Pinky's footsteps from a crowd of other animals. Even in this state instincts like that just came naturally to me.
"I need to talk to Perry." Carl said, his voice just barely a whisper as he struggled to keep his voice low so that I couldn't hear. But his voice was still faintly clear to me.
"Is it about…?" Phineas asked, not needing to complete his sentence for Carl to understand what he had meant.
"Yes." the unpaid intern answered.
"But I really don't think you should mention that." Phineas said cautiously.
"I know," Carl replied. "But it's important."
"Carl." Phineas said sternly. "You saw how much pain he had been in those first few days. You really want to put him through all that again? I'm telling you, it's just not safe to bring up!"
"But Phineas, please! I need to talk to him, it's urgent!" Carl pleaded.
There was a brief pause between the two, and the soft sound of Phineas sighing in surrender.
"F-fine." he finally said. "But I need to set up some ground rules. No getting to specific of that day or anything really detailed about the entire incident. And please, I'm begging you! What ever you do, don't mention a thing about you-know-who, alright?"
"Alright, I promise." Carl assured.
"Okay. Good luck even getting him to say anything, though." Phineas said. "He hasn't spoken as much as a word since the incident."
I had to think about all that for a moment. What could Carl possibly want to talk to me about that had to do with…you know who? Was it that urgent that he actually had to break Phineas's regulations on what not to mention around me? Was his so called 'urgent' news good or bad? I stiffened myself up as I lied awake in my bed, preparing myself for the worst. I just hoped I wasn't going to cry again.
"Agent P?" I heard a feeble, high-pitched voice address me from across the room. Seconds later, light, soft foot steps were carried across the floor as Carl slowly entered. The footsteps stopped right by my bed, but I didn't look up. I just decided to ignore what ever he had to say and continue drowning in a deep pool of my own sorrows.
"Perry? Are you okay? I need to talk to you." he said.
I growled deep in my throat in return. Are you okay. That was the absolute dumbest question anyone could have possibly asked me right then. No, I was FAR from okay, obviously.
"Look, Perry. I need to tell you something, but I'm not sure if it will upset you or not." he said.
I didn't respond, I just tensed up a little, hoping the news wasn't too bad.
"Uh, well, there's something coming up in a couple days." Carl mentioned. "I wasn't sure if you wanted to participate or if you weren't up for it…"
I wondered what that could be. Major Monogram's execution? Of course I'd be up for that spectacle any day.
"It's your nemesis's funeral." he said flatly, causing my heart to drop.
I sat there, a little bewildered and dumbfounded by his words. His…funeral? He wanted me to go to it? I really wasn't sure. Truthfully, I didn't believe in funerals for the most part. It's like just when you think you're just about over the death of a loved one they throw this whole gathering in your face and bring back all these bad memories again. Of course I wouldn't be able to go, I was embarrassed enough shedding so many tears of anguish in front of my own family, why do it out in public? Just the mere thought of this subject was causing my adrenaline levels to spike and my heart race as I struggled to control my emotions!
I quickly shook my head no.
"Oh, alright." He responded. "I was just asking, I didn't want to bring up anything that will trigger you to cry again. You know, we've all been so worried about you. Perry, you can't wallow in depression forever. I think it's about time for you to move on."
This comment enraged me. It made me so furious that I actually whipped myself around to face Carl, making eye contact with him for the first time during this conversation.
"Move on?" I repeated. "Move on? You actually think that I can just forget about this whole thing, forget about my entire life in one day and start a new one?"
My throat was kind of scratchy from all the crying I had done, and my voice was really weak and quiet due to my lack of talking for over a week now, but I tried to lash out my words as fiercely as possible. I was so mad at what Carl had just said! And besides weeping uncontrollably for days on end this was the only other way I had to vent out my strained emotions.
"Well, other people lose loved ones all the time and everyone has to move on sometime. I just thought maybe being so worked up over it isn't so healthy for you, and you should try and forget about it and move on." Carl said, trying hard to rearrange his words to make them sound less straightforward and harsh so I wouldn't take them the wrong way, but I knew what he meant. He actually believed that I should just forget absolutely everything about him and try and forget about being sad, so hopefully I could move on. But I'm afraid it doesn't work that way. I couldn't just forget about him. I couldn't just forget our friendship with the snap of my fingers and suddenly be happy again. I could never in a million years recover from this incident to the point where I wouldn't even remember the person I had loved like family for so many years. And nothing, not even death could sever the strong bonds bounding our friendship together, so moving on wasn't an option for me.
"Carl, are you crazy?" I snapped. "Are you seriously trying to get me to forget him just like that? You know for a fact that I loved him too much to ever move on! He was a second family to me, there's no force on this earth that could bring me to stop being so depressed on the matter! Don't you understand that?"
"I know that Perry, but considering it's your nemesis we're talking about here shouldn't that make it just the slightest bit easier compared to your family? I mean since you spent a lot of your life hating him shouldn't it be easier for you to give him up than your real family?" Carl said.
I was speechless. I had never in the entirety of my existence, even from Major Monogram EVER heard a remark that stupid and heartless come out of somebody's mouth. I thought I might have been hearing things. Did he seriously just say that? Did Carl seriously think that because I used to hate him made any difference to how much I really loved him or how much I really missed him severely right now? I mean, I NEVER cry, and I've been sobbing non stop about him for days! Isn't that hinting enough to how much I care about my nemesis? How could he even think that he meant less to me than my family! And how dare he say 'real family', as if my nemesis wasn't even considered an actual part of my family to me! I was burning up with anger and frustration at his spiteful words right now! How dare he tell me to move on from the loss of my best friend!
"Will you STOP calling him my nemesis already!" I screamed. "He is NOT my nemesis and I do NOT hate him you liar! You're just as bad as Monogram! He was my best friend and I love him and I miss him so shut the hell up! What do you know about losing someone important to you? I will NEVER move on from this!"
I noticed out of the corner of my eye that Phineas and Ferb had entered the room, and they were standing on the sidelines of our argument, curious to our sudden conflict. But they showed no signs of worrying for me, so I guessed they didn't care that I was angry. They probably wanted me to let it all out anyways.
"Wow, he sure got Perry upset." Phineas said casually.
"Well at least he got him to talk." Ferb added.
"You have to move on Perry!" Carl continued, trying to stay calm but his voice was already shouting at my level now. "You can't spend the whole rest of your life crying just because Doofenshmirtz is dead!"
That was it. That was the one sentence that triggered my snapping point, the last piece to add onto the growing pile of sorrows that was already weighing me down. My heart shattered into a million shards of broken dreams whilst the rest of my life came crashing down on top of me, signaling the peak of my misery. My tear sockets suddenly burst open and I found myself violently sobbing once again, my immense desolation and depression overwhelming all my other thoughts and emotions. I felt my self struggling to breathe between sobs, and tears continued to pour down myself and drip onto my bed, soaking my thick turquoise fur on the way down. This was it. Every ounce of sanity and rationality had utterly left my body as I sat there, completely tortured by my own growing sadness as I mourned.
Why did he have to do that? Why did Carl have to mention his name? Now I couldn't stop thinking about it. As much as I desperately tried I couldn't pry my mind away from this heartbreaking subject I had been dreading ever since he was shot. I had been hiding myself, shying away from the truth, trying to tell myself that everything was okay. No, he wasn't dead. He was still very much alive, up at the very top floor of D.E.I. eagerly waiting for me to foil his latest scheme like everyday. But there was no trying to fool myself anymore. He was gone. Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz was dead, gone forever, and there was nothing that could ever bring him back into my life.
But though it wouldn't help, the only thing I could even make myself do was cry.
"Oh no, Perry!" I heard someone's voice shout, and I felt arms wrap around my body and lift me off the ground. Though it was pretty hard to tell while I wept uncontrollably, I assumed it was Phineas. I continued weeping, not showing the slightest sign of calming down as I felt myself being gently rocked back and forth.
I could barely hear anything as my mind and brain functions slowly broke down while my depression grew stronger, but I swore I could hear Carl's voice in the background. I thought I hear him struggling to sputter what sounded like some sort of apology to me, but it became fainter as someone led him out of the room. Or maybe I was the one being let out of the room. I couldn't really tell much of anything as my mourning grew louder. I just nuzzled my beak into Phineas's chest as he caressed me tighter and waited for the pain to go away.
As I drifted more out of my current situation and deeper into the deepest, darkest corners of my mind, a flash of memories emerged and clouded over my other thoughts. All the things I had hastily shoved in the back of my mind on that very day, all the memories that I had hoped to never bring back, were now flooding my brain as the sadness continued to take over my thoughts and emotions. Every last good memory and even the bad memories of everything that had happened over the years were overwhelming my mind. I had thoughts from way back, like the day where me and Doofenshmirtz had first met and even more recent ones like that last hug we had shared before he perished forever. I recalled everything, from his goofy pointless schemes to his clumsy nature, and his boring evil scheme monologues and even his awful singing that I secretly loved putting up with. I missed his messy hair and his pharmacist-looking clothes, and even his high screechy German accented voice that I had come to love so much. I remembered all of our grueling relentless battles of good vs. evil that we had engaged in nearly every day since that faithful day outside the photo store that we had met. But mostly I remembered the good times. Those pleasant little moments in our lives where we had discretely acted more like friends than enemies. Like when I helped him once in a while or saved his life, or even the time where Doof had admitted to our friendship. I tried to dodge past the memories of that depressing time where I had shortly been replaced by Peter the Panda. Or when I had been reassigned to the Regurgitator and he came to my rescue. But this flow of mixed memories came on increasingly strong, unfortunately increasing my own state of extreme depression.
Why? Why did he have to go? Why did it have to be my nemesis and not me? I miss Doofenshmirtz so much! I love him and I miss him and I can't live without him anymore! I'm sick and tired of crying, I just want him back already! No, I NEEDED him back! I couldn't live like this anymore! Why did he have to go? WHY?
As I asked these questions to my self in my head, and as my happiness and overall sanity slipped away from me, I felt my consciousness gradually deteriorating as well as my eyes closed in sleep. The last thing I felt was the subtle movement underneath me as Phineas continued rocking me while he carried me up the stairs to his room. Then I felt the gentle softness of his bed beneath me and the feeling of his body heat leaving my side and causing me to shiver slightly as he placed me on his bed. Then all my thoughts were cleared out as I curled up in a ball, slowly drifting off for the first time since my life came crashing down.