Saturday, July 19

Olivia lay naked on top of her bed, the fan was pointed directly towards her chest. She had slathered her radiation burn with the gel recommended by her doctor. And she was relishing the bliss of coolness that wafted over her hot, red skin.

She knew there was something she was supposed to be doing right now. But, she couldn't for the life of her remember what it was. She decided it didn't matter. These few moments of comfort were all she could focus on now. She had been pushing herself hard, and she deserved a few minutes of peace.

She had been dealing with this cancer thing for more than six months now, and she was tired of it. She was sure the people around her were tired of it as well. It seemed like the whole ordeal would never end. While there was some light at the end of the tunnel, it was still pretty dim. It was like walking through mud, her shoes getting caked with it, and becoming heavier and heavier with each step.

It was true that the radiation treatment was not as difficult as the chemotherapy had been. But it was all relative. The chemo had been pretty damn hard, and this didn't feel that much easier. She knew she would get through, knew she was getting close to the end. She took a deep breath and sighed.

Just as she was about to doze off, she heard her buzzer go off. Shit. Now she remembered. Elliot was coming over to watch the Mets game.

She knew he'd let himself in through the outside door. She'd given him the code years ago. But he always rang the buzzer as a courtesy, just to let her know he was on his way up.

"Shit." she exclaimed out loud, dragging herself up off the bed. Here she was, completely naked, covered in greasy goop. She had about two minutes to make herself look presentable.

By the time she heard his knock at the door, Olivia had managed to at least get herself dressed. She looked in the mirror as she plopped an NYPD ball cap on top of her head. You look like hell, Benson, she thought to herself. Elliot would probably think the same thing. He might even say it. But this was the best she could do today.

If Elliot thought she looked like crap, at least he didn't say anything. When she opened the door, he was standing there holding two enormous pizzas.

"I got two. I didn't want any of your veggies defiling my meat."

"Get in here, El, it's good to see you."

After setting the food on the kitchen counter, he turned and looked at her.

"What?" she asked, suddenly very self-conscious. "Have I got a bat in the cave or something?"

"No, no. You look great, Liv."

"Well, it's nice of you to lie."

"I just kinda want to give you a hug. And I'm not sure if...you know... ?"

"Oh, come here you." she said, and leaned into him with her right side, while keeping the tender left side of her chest turned out.

By the time the seventh-inning stretch rolled around Olivia was fast asleep. Elliot began cleaning up their mess from dinner off the coffee table. He washed the dishes, wrapped up the leftover pizza, and even took the trash out to the chute in the hallway. And still she hadn't stirred. Clicking the remote to turn off the TV finally woke her.

"Oh, god, I'm sorry, El. I didn't mean to fall asleep on you.

"It's fine. I should have realized you would be too tired for company tonight." he leaned down and gave her a peck on the cheek. "I'll just get out of here."

"No, don't go." she pleaded, "Stay for just a little longer?"

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I kind of miss having company. And now that I've had a nap I'll be awake for at least a few more minutes." she grinned as she patted the couch next to her.

"Okay, but you tell me when you need me to go." He plopped himself down onto the couch next to her.

"Deal."

"I don't know how you do it, Liv."

"Do what? Fall asleep when I have company?"

"You're like a Timex."

"I'm like a watch?"

"You know. You 'take a lickin' and keep on tickin"

She laughed at that. "I'm just plodding my way through. It's nothing special. It's not like there aren't thousands of people going through this, just like me, right now."

"Yeah, I know. But they aren't all doing it alone." he said

"I'm not alone." she shook her head and looked him directly in the eye, "I don't feel alone. Not anymore."

"You're right. But I still think you're pretty incredible."

"Well," she looked down, a little embarrassed, "Thank you. I have to admit, though, I'm pretty much over it. I want to get back to normal, get back to my old self, and I want my hair back for crying out loud."

He reached over and brushed the short wispy curls at the nape of her neck. "It looks like you've got a nice crop coming in back there."

"Yeah, it's coming back in, but it looks ridiculous: straight in some places curly in others, and it's still pretty thin up on top," she pointed to the top of the baseball cap she was still wearing.

"Let me see."

"No, absolutely not."

"Come on..." he pleaded "let me see."

She glared at him, but reached up and pulled the cap off her head. She didn't want him to see her like this, but she needed someone to see, and reassure her that it wasn't her imagination, her hair really was growing back.

"It's looking good, Liv, it's just uneven. Maybe it's time for a nice Marine crewcut. I could do it for you."

"What? You want to have a beauty night? You're such a girl, El." she laughed as she pulled the cap back over her head.

"Yeah, and then we'll call all the girls over for a slumber party. There will have to be a pillow fight, though."

"No way. I know I'd be the first to fall asleep, and then you'd put my bra in the freezer."

He looked at her and laughed. "Uh, Liv, you're not wearing one."

"Oh, shit," she looked down to see that the ointment she had applied earlier had soaked through her t-shirt, plastering it to her skin, making her lack of a bra incredibly obvious. She grabbed a throw pillow and hugged it to her chest. She thought she might cry but instead, started to laugh, "I'm a freak, a bald, goopy freak."

Elliot grinned at her but reached out to hold her hand. "No, Liv. You're beautiful. You're beautiful, strong, and amazing."