I'm pretty sure this is the chapter everyone has been waiting for :) Seriously guys, thank you so much for leaving kudos and reviews. Makes my day reading what you guys think and knowing people are enjoying this! As always, so many thanks to my translator and my beta! I could sing their praises all day, but then you might want to steal them and I have dibs ;)
Cosima sat alone on her bed pressing the home button on her cell phone for the thousandth time, checking for a text or missed call and making sure the battery hadn't died in the five seconds since she last checked. No change. It had been a couple of hours now and little by little her hope was fading.
Cosima thought she had made peace with dying. It was happening so no point in hiding from it. Everyone died sometime, but with Delphine everything was different. With Delphine, Cosima wasn't at peace with anything. If Delphine rejected her, would she be at peace with dying again? Would she fight if Delphine still wanted to be with her? Was she the deciding factor in whether Cosima would fight to live or accept her death?
There were other people who needed her outside of Delphine. Her mother, Siobhan, Felix, her sisters. Before she met Delphine, Cosima was planning to die knowing they all needed her, but now she stopped thinking of herself and thought about what her death would do to them. With or without Delphine they still needed her.
Delphine didn't say anything or move a muscle for twenty minutes after she told her she was dying so at that point Cosima left. Her part was done. Delphine knew the truth and could make her own decision with all the facts. Cosima just wasn't sure if she was strong enough to wait around and find out what that decision was.
Delphine returned home, grabbed the new pack of cigarettes from her bag and another bottle of wine, and resumed her position on the couch. At this point she didn't even bother with a glass and drank straight from the bottle. After a few gulps she set it down and lit a cigarette. She had been right about one thing. That one pack hadn't been enough.
"How did I not see it?" She asked into the void. The vitamins, the fatigue, the secrets, the far off look that came over Cosima's face sometimes, the fear in her eyes, how she changed the subject when things got too real, her refusal to admit her feelings or even entertain the idea of a relationship, the constant texts and phone calls from her sisters, Sarah's watchdog behavior, this sabbatical when she was so close to finishing her PhD, her crying out in her sleep, the scars on her chest she never explained, her need to photograph everything...it all made sense.
"It's a rare autoimmune disease. Unclassified. It affects my lungs, mostly. Before I had treatment in San Francisco it was also in my trachea. There was a bone marrow transplant, chemo, radiation...the works. There are these mysterious growths no one can figure out. I was in the hospital for five months before I decided to stop treatment."
Delphine ignored the tears and lit another cigarette.
Romantic relationships were never anything she put much value in. For all intents and purposes she was married to science. Med school, her PhD, working at one of the leading scientific corporations in the world...that was her life. There was little time for much else. More often than not catching up on sleep far outweighed the time and effort it took to go out and meet someone. Of course Delphine had lovers, the blonde was French after all, but it rarely went beyond sex.
Delphine figured she just wasn't the relationship type. There had been men and women, but all it was ever about was the release. No one touched her soul. No one made her want to stay up late just to talk a little while longer. No one gave her butterflies with a simple smell of their perfume. No one made her heart beat the way Cosima did. That was why it never worked with anyone. It wasn't because Delphine wasn't the type for relationships or because she disliked intimacy. It was because none of them were the cheeky brunette.
The cigarette fell to the ash tray and Delphine replaced it with wine. It had been a few hours that she had been sitting there, with the exception of a quick cigarette run. It would have been better if Cosima was just a frigid bitch who didn't return her feelings. Anything would be better than this. Delphine came across many people in her lifetime from all walks of life and circumstances, so it was with great confidence that she knew Cosima was one of the best people alive. Cosima was kind and humble and sassy and considerate and caring and brilliant and beautiful and so fundamentally . . . Cosima.
Cosima understood people in a way Delphine never could. There was never any judgement. Cosima never made people feel they were less than her. She was friendly with everyone until they gave her a reason not to be. The glass was always half full with her, the world this amazing place just waiting to be explored. In a way the brunette reminded Delphine of a child - eyes and heart full of wonder. There was an innocence to her that life and her illness hadn't managed to take away.
"Why her?"
There was no going back from this. No one ever made her feel the way Cosima did before she came along and no one would ever make her feel this way after. Italy didn't matter, Barcelona didn't matter, Shay didn't matter, this disease didn't matter. Well, it did. It was heartbreaking and unfair and terrifying, but it didn't change anything. It didn't change what she felt in her heart.
Cosima definitely went about it all wrong and she lied to Delphine for months, but Delphine could understand why. It made perfect sense now. Why Cosima seemed so guarded sometimes. Cosima thought she was protecting her. Sick or not there was no one Delphine wanted to be with more.
Cosima was . . . unlike anyone Delphine had ever met. There was something about her. Something Delphine had been trying to identify for months, but couldn't find the words for. As a scientist that irked her. Things were meant to be classified, even feelings. There was a connection between them that was just there. From before she knew the tiny brunette. The moment she saw her-no, she couldn't even say it was from the moment she saw her it was more like the moment she felt her in that club. Call it fate or soulmates or some kind of meant to be situation she never believed in before the petite brunette entered her life. Whatever it was, it was everything.
Cosima gave Delphine so much without even knowing. Gave her a reason to smile, gave her a purpose, gave her something to think about other than her work and she wanted so much more with her. A year wasn't nearly enough time. Delphine wanted to take her to France, have more family dinners, actually get to experience what it meant to be Cosima's girlfriend, be her wife, make her the mother to her children she never thought about before. So, so many things that required much more than a year.
She needed more information. She was a doctor, a scientist. She could help. Autoimmune diseases were her specialty. There were very high standards and strict criteria for someone to make it onto her team and, as such, they were given the most difficult cases in North America, sometimes in the world. They did amazing things, saved lives!
Grabbing her bag off the table Delphine left her apartment again. They could do amazing things for Cosima too.
It didn't take as much thought on her part as she thought it would. Hell, she had spent months and months deciding which schools to go to and which job offers to accept. Every major life decision had taken hours and hours of careful thought, research, calculations, pro/con lists, you name it. What she felt in her heart had only equated for a small part of what she considered, but this time it was the only thing Delphine considered. Cosima for only a year was better than no Cosima, but she would not let that happen. Every disease had a cure. There was a cure for this and Delphine would find it. She only wished she knew this months ago and all this time hadn't been wasted.
If only she had snapped out of it sooner and not let Cosima leave. The thoughts Cosima must be having right now she couldn't even begin to understand, but she had been frozen. It took a while before Cosima's words truly hit her and then she went numb. She went through the five stages of grief sitting there on her couch clutching a wine bottle like a lifeline.
There was no way Cosima, her Cosima, was sick. Someone must have gotten the results wrong or read them wrong or gave them to the wrong person. It wasn't possible for her to have just found her happiness and for Cosima to just be beginning her life, for it all to be snatched away. Maybe Cosima changed her mind again and was making up some excuse to get rid of her. Denial
"C'est des conneries!" (This is bullshit!) Never before she met the cheeky woman had she put so much belief in the universe or the notion that certain things were meant to be and for this very reason. What universe would put her and Cosima together just to rip them apart? How could someone so pure and beautiful have her life taken away like this? It wasn't right! With one last gulp she finished the wine and threw the bottle against the wall, watching as glass and red trailed down the wall. That would stain, but did it matter? Did anything matter anymore? Anger
Why Cosima? Why her? Why not someone with a heart black and cold as stone? A murderer or a rapist? Why did they get to live and someone so good and full of life, such a genuinely good person, had to die? Delphine wasn't nearly as good of a person as her brunette. "Take me," she prayed to a God she long ago stopped believing in. She had no one. Her parents rarely contacted her, she had no other family she was close to, no friends. Cosima had sisters who needed her, she had a mother, nieces and a nephew, she had a family. People needed her. No one needed Delphine. "Qu'on me prenne moi mais pas elle!"Bargaining
What would she do without Cosima? Cosima loved her. Cosima wanted to be with her. To know a love like hers was to be ruined for anyone else for the rest of her life and Delphine wanted no one more, but she was sick. With tears streaming down her face she curled into the fetal position on the couch, clutched a pillow to her face and screamed until she couldn't breathe. Then she cried. For at least an hour she let all of her emotions out. This kind of pain was like nothing Delphine ever felt. Nothing made sense anymore. Everything she believed in, everything she was, meant nothing. Everything hurt. Her chest, her arms, her head. She told herself long ago she would never think like this again, but a world without Cosima was a world Delphine didn't want to be a part of. Depression
Cosima was sick. Her love, her life, her light . . . was dying. It was unbelievably complicated and nothing Delphine ever anticipated for herself, but the answer was so beautifully uncomplicated. Cosima was the love of her life. There was nothing more she wanted than for her little brunette to live a long and happy life. Preferably with her, but the point was she wanted Cosima to live. Acceptance
While she accepted that Cosima was sick, she did not accept that she had to die.
Delphine had a record at DYAD. With her colleagues they were hailed as some sort of dream team. Their loss record was damn impressive given the cases they worked on, but for every patient lost Delphine didn't see it as they only lost one patient. To her, they lost a patient. Still, they saved so many.
Reaching her car, Delphine was on the gas before the door closed, tires screeching on the smooth cement as she peeled out of the garage. Only when her car was out of the garage and she realized it was pitch black and pouring did she slow down and take a deep breath.
Even in the pouring rain, when she got to Cosima's and parked around back in the spot reserved for her townhouse, Delphine got out of the car and smoked the last cigarette in the pack. Her last maybe forever. If Cosima had masses in her lungs she couldn't be smoking and further compromising and irritating her respiratory tract. It calmed her nerves, if only for a moment. No amount of nicotine would help with the situation.
Tomorrow she would quit. She would get patches and gum and whatever she needed. Hell, she would try hypnosis even though she didn't believe in it. Having smoked for half her life, she knew she didn't have the willpower to go cold turkey, but for Cosima's sake she needed to stop. And she would. After this last one.
Slowly she walked up to Cosima's front door and, thinking against using her key, knocked lightly. Cosima's bedroom light flickered on immediately followed shortly by the living room light and then the door was open.
"Jesus Delphine. Did you walk here?" Cosima quickly pulled her inside out of the rain. "You're soaking wet. You uh...you still have clothes upstairs if you want to change?"
Delphine nodded weakly leaving her shoes, her now ruined shoes, by the door and taking Cosima's hand, leading her up to the bedroom. "I'm just going to..." She gestured to the bathroom after pulling out a pair of grey lounge pants from a drawer and an old t-shirt of Cosima's she loved.
"Yeah, sure." Cosima smiled nervously from the doorframe, rubbing her eyes. "I'll be here." The doctor in Delphine wouldn't be able to resist the challenge of her illness, but it was Delphine the woman she was hoping to attract. The t-shirt gave her hope. Sitting nervously on the edge of the bed, Cosima waited.
Delphine dried herself off as best she could with the cream colored towel that hung on her hook behind the door. She was freezing. A shower would have been preferable, but she grabbed the hoodie on top of the laundry basket and inhaled deeply; the smell of Cosima filling her with a warmth in ways a shower never could.
Cosima seemed so small looking up at Delphine with tears in her eyes. "I'm so sorry." Delphine was at her side in an instant, gathering Cosima as tightly in her arms as she could, whispering soft French words and running her hair through thick, dark waves. "God Delphine I was so stupid … we fit."
Delphine nodded sadly, ignoring the tears streaming down her own cheeks. "We do."
"I had this dream once." Cosima began with a sniffle, clinging to Delphine for dear life. "Of you. Of a life we could have. And it was so beautiful Delphine. There was this little girl with your curls and we were so happy. But I woke up." Her voice broke and she had to sit up and look away – at the ceiling, the floor, the wall, anything but the woman beside her. "And this is my life. I remembered we could never have that no matter how badly I wanted it...and it broke me. Having a life without my father broke my mother, having a life without her husband broke Siobhan and I don't want any of that for you Delphine."
Delphine's mouth opened and closed as she took Cosima in. It had been there all along, the pain behind her eyes. Delphine saw it a couple of times, but Cosima would throw her a wink or some cheeky comment and she would forget about it. But it was always there.
"I'm scared Delphine. This thing is killing me and there is nothing I can do about it. I'm completely helpless," she cried. It was months that she had been lying to Delphine. Not lying exactly, but omitting huge, important truths, so all she wanted to do now was come clean about everything. With every truth the pit of lies in her stomach lessened. "I made the decision to stop treatment. That's why I moved here, but you're a doctor and an immunologist so I know that no matter what I say you're going to try to cure me and when you can't it's going to destroy you." Her voice broke again. "And I didn't . . . I don't," she corrected. "Want that for you. I don't want any of this for you."
Taking a deep breath, Cosima messily wiped her face and turned to Delphine with a sad smile. "But at the same time you make me so stupidly happy that there is nothing more I want to do then spend the rest of whatever time I have left with you." Another deep breath. "And that just makes me feel selfish."
Delphine reached out to Cosima to offer some sort of comfort, to tell her it would be okay, that she would get her through this, but Cosima stood up and put some distance between them. There was so much she needed to explain before she was ready to hear whatever Delphine came here to say. She promised to tell Delphine everything.
"I fought this so hard, but I couldn't stay away and there was just something that made me...need you. I couldn't help falling in love with you. Believe me, I tried," she chuckled sadly. "You make me want...so much. Things I stopped letting myself want a long time ago. I don't know when. Maybe it took Shay coming back, I don't know, but I realized that I don't just want these things." Turning around to finally face Delphine, she offered the blonde a sad, toothy smile. "I want them with you."
After just a second she dropped her eyes and paced further away. "My story doesn't have a happy ending...but yours should. That's why I did this." Feeling much lighter with everything finally off her chest, Cosima's arms were freely flying around as she spoke again. "But I also realized that there are two of us in this and it's not just up to me. If someone took away my voice and made this kind of a decision for me I would be pissed. You deserve just as much of a say in this as I do. Shay promised to be there for me through everything and she couldn't handle it. I know you're not her, but I'm just warning you that it's not going to be fun." Taking a deep breath Cosima turned back toward Delphine who still sat in the same spot on the edge of her bed. The only difference were the fresh tears streaming down her face. A familiar tickle started low in her chest and, despite taking some deep breaths and hoping it would pass, it didn't. Cosima quickly reached for a tissue to cover her mouth, but she wasn't quick enough. Delphine saw the blood. "I guess the ball's kinda in your court."
Delphine didn't say anything. It was still too much for her to take in so she just stared ahead at Cosima as if her looking away would make her disappear. Her eyes darted from Cosima's eyes to her lips to the bloody tissue in her hand.
"Yeah." Cosima nodded slowly. "I also really never wanted to see that look on your face."
Snapping out of it, Delphine looked down at the floor for a minute before pushing off the bed and closing the distance between them. "Kiss me." It was with a need far beyond anything she could articulate that she just needed to feel Cosima.
The moment their lips touched it felt like coming home. Like wrapping up in your favorite blanket at the end of a long day. Those feelings of warmth and comfort and peace. It was everything. Anytime they came together it always was, but this was more than that.
"I asked you a question in Italy." Delphine said quietly when they finally broke for air, resting her forehead against Cosima's.
"I need more Cosima. More of you. I want you to be my girlfriend..."
Cosima smirked playfully. "I don't recall it actually being posed as a question."
Delphine laughed. A real, happy laugh it felt like it had been ages since she hears come from herself, and quickly wiped her face on her sleeve. "You are such a brat."
"So I've been told." Cosima's eyes lit up with her smile. "But you love me."
"C'est vrai." Delphine's smile fell and she placed an ardent kiss on Cosima's lips. "Cosima, I will do everything in my power to find a cure for you. Tomorrow I am taking you to DYAD and we will get your records from your doctors in California and we will-"
"Yes." Cosima blurted out, stopping Delphine mid-sentence.
Delphine paused a minute. "Yes what?" When she was this focused on something it wasn't easy for her brain to switch gears so quickly.
"Yes I will be your girlfriend." Cosima smiled. "But I have one condition."
Delphine's relief could be physically felt. With a smile of her own she grabbed Cosima's face in her hands and brought their lips together again and again and again. "Anything."
Cosima wanted so much with Delphine. Wanted to wake up to golden curls on her pillow. Wanted to go to sleep wrapped in her arms. She wanted steamy fights and even steamier make-ups. Delphine made her want, but that didn't make her dangerous anymore. It made her everything because she made Cosima want to live. She made her want to fight.
It didn't seem scary anymore, imagining a future with countless doctors, tests and treatments. Even imagining months spent confined to a hospital bed because she knew Delphine would be there. Delphine wouldn't let her suffer, wouldn't let her waste away.
What seemed scary now was a future of nothing. No future. Imagining her sisters, her mother, Delphine, all grieving her loss. Imagining all these lives of which she was an intimate part of, going on without her. Her nieces and nephew growing into the amazing people she knew they would be, maybe getting more nieces and nephews, finally watching Beth cut that asshole boyfriend of hers loose, Cal making an honest woman out of Sarah, someone recognizing Felix for the brilliant artist he was, Helena finally finding her happiness, going back to school and finishing her PhD and becoming the great scientist she always dreamed of. How did she ever think she could give any of that up?
And if it didn't work and she died anyway, at least she could say she tried. Delphine would take care of her. The pain wouldn't be like it was before. Nothing would be like it was before. Maybe Shay leaving had more of an effect on her than she knew. Maybe her leaving was part of the reason Cosima gave up, but now she had reasons to fight. It's surprising what can be learned about oneself in the process of dying. You see through all the unimportant bullshit and find what truly matters.
She was wrong before. The selfish part wasn't telling Delphine about her disease. The selfish part was preparing to die. Cosima was an important part of so many lives and, while they tried their best to support her decision, none of them agreed with it.
Who knew what was going to happen when she finished her PhD. Maybe she would partner up with Delphine and work on curing rare diseases or maybe she would do that somewhere else, but she could save lives. It was possible. If she lived.
She and Delphine were pushed together for a reason. Cosima believed with every fiber of her being that it was so Delphine could cure her. So that they would fall in love and live happily ever after.
It was surprisingly easy making the decision to live. Much easier than deciding to die. After spending months justifying and defending and coming to terms with her decision, Cosima anticipated this being more difficult, but it wasn't. One look into warm amber eyes and it was done.
"Help me beat this thing."
Translations
"C'est des conneries!" (This is bullshit!)
"Qu'on me prenne moi mais pas elle!" (Take me instead LIT. Someone/anyone/something/anything take but not her!)
"C'est vrai." (That is true.)