Chapter Twenty One: In the Fast Lane

"Oh! Oh God stop! You're going too fast Monty!" yelled Lindsey, gripping onto the car seat for dear life. Burns looked over to her briefly to see that she was now covering her eyes with her hands. Sure, he was going a little over the speed limit, but in his opinion, Lindsey was just overreacting.

"Pull over!" yelled Lindsey. Burns quickly swerved out of the way of an oncoming car, blaring his horn.

"Why don't they just stay home when I'm on the road?" yelled Burns irritably.

"Please, Monty, just pull over and let me drive." said Lindsey, her voice surprisingly calm as Burns continued driving haphazardly through the streets of Springfield.

"Oh stop being so dramatic. I haven't hit anything yet!" Burns replied, trying in his own way to sound at least a little comforting.

"Yet? Dammit Monty, I said pull over!"

At Lindsey's sudden outburst, Burns slammed onto the brakes, the car squalling to a stop, the right front tire rammed up onto the sidewalk. Why everyone freaked out over his driving was a mystery to him. Of course he could drive a little slower, but that would mean he would have a longer drive to the banquet in Shelbyville and a longer drive meant more time spent in the car with Lindsey. He didn't know what to think of her anymore with all of the confusion he felt over Smithers, not to mention the whole deceptive way she had kept so many secrets since the beginning. He'd never really confronted her on why she had lied about being a government safety inspector and there were still so many questions he wanted to know.

"Now what?" Burns asked, gritting his teeth with annoyance, his hands still planted firmly on the steering wheel.

"Please, just let me drive the rest of the way." she pleaded.

"But this is my car!" Burns argued. "Besides, I'm tired of you always driving us around. In my day, it was the man that did all of the driving."

"Oh really? Then why do you always have Smithers drive then?" she asked.

"-And just what are you implying? Are you saying that Smithers is like the man in the relationship?"

"I said nothing of you're relationship with Smithers. Why so defensive?"

"I am not being defensive." said Burns, hoping that the apparent defensiveness with which he spoke wasn't too apparent.

"Just forget it." Lindsey crossed her arms, "I have no intention on arguing with you all night. Either you let me drive or I'm walking home!"

Burns wasn't much in the mood for bickering either. Finally conceding defeat, he opened the car door and walked around to the passenger's side. Lindsey did the same, exiting the car and quickly hopping into the driver's seat. Burns settled down into his seat and slammed the car door a little harder than intended. Lindsey was really begining to become more irritating as the evening passed. The next couple of miles were uncomfortably silent as Burns watched the street signs pass by. One sign stating, "You Are Now Leaving Springfield". Lindsey had been driving for quite a while and Burns was sure that they were about halfway there. He had yet to question her about why she lied about being an inspector, but since all of the chemistry they once had seemed long gone anyway, he figured that now was just a good a time as any to ask.

"Ms. Naegle, there is something I've been meaning to ask you." Mr. Burns began.

"Oh?" she asked, keeping her eyes carefully on the road ahead. Perhaps they weren't so much alike after all, as far as their driving habits were concerned.

"Well...I've been wanting to ask you for a while, but I never really knew how to bring it up. You see, I have a rather faithful group of advisers that I keep involved in my day-to-day business affairs, one can't be too careful you know." Burns laughed nervously, preparing himself for what he was to say next. "Anywho, it has come to my attention that you might possibly... not really be an official, government inspector."

"What? Who the hell told you this?" she roared, the car suddenly swerving dangerously. Burns suddenly understood the fear people had whenever he would drive like that. "When I get my hands on the little snitch that blabbed I'll... I'll-"

"Lindsey! Watch out!" Burns cried. From out of nowhere there came a woman pushing a stroller, about to cross right in front of the car. Burns covered his eyes. The car gave another sickening squalling sound and Burns was struggling between wanting to cover his eyes or covering his ears. He didn't like babies either, but he certainly didn't want to see them as road kill! The next sound he heard however, wasn't a crash; it was Lindsey's voice yelling out of the window.

"Get outta my way ya breeder! The last thing the world needs is more dribbling babies!"

It took a few moments for Burns to calm himself. This woman was even more wacko than he'd imagined!

"Uh, maybe I should drive." Burns stuttered.

"Oh, shut up!" Lindsey snapped.

"What?" Burns asked incredulously. Just who did she think she was to talk to him like that? If anyone, Burns was the one that should be angry.

"I'm sorry Monty. I really am." Lindsey apologized, her driving now more sober as her fit of rage subsided. "You know, you and I are a lot alike. If we were to ever get married, we'd make a real formidable team."

"Don't change the subject Ms. Naegle. Were you lying to me or not?" asked Burns, his words losing the familiarity they once had. After a long pause, and a little bit of fidgeting from Lindsey, she finally replied.

"You're right, it was all just a sham. I'm not really from the government." Lindsey admitted, surprisingly without much prodding.

"I didn't think so." Burns sighed. No matter how far-fetched he knew it was, he had still foolishly held on to the hope that Lindsey might not have been lying. "Smithers told me you studied business at Wharton, You're aren't even qualified for the position of inspector."

"So Mr. Smithers is the one that's been spying on me? I should have known..." said Lindsey, the bitterness in her voice as she spoke Smither's name was sickeningly apparent. Burns suddenly regretted even bringing his assistant's name into this. He knew what Lindsey was capable of. She had almost as much influence in Springfield as Burns himself and could probably have just about anyone carted off to prison, or perhaps worse, at the drop of a hat.

"Well, not only Smithers. I have many informants. I know pretty much all there is to know about every last pitiable citizen of this miserable town." Burns quickly added, hoping to shift the focus away from his assistant. "What I would like to know is why? Why would you lie?" Burns looked over to her in the driver's seat. He wasn't about to let her off the hook, especially now that he had her alone in the car. No place to escape his questioning.

"The fact is," she started, "I've always been very impressed by your success. You're like a pillar of the community and I thought maybe I could learn from you, perhaps even become a little closer to you." she said, the flirtatious tone to her voice alerting his suspicions.

"Well, I'll admit that I do feel a certain...kinship with some of your more ruthless business practices. I have been known for quite a few scandals myself, but if it is a relationship that you want... I'm not sure if a woman is really what I need in my life right now." he answered truthfully, of course, Lindsey didn't have to know just how truthful that statement had been. "Things are just too complicated. I'm sure you can understand?"

"Fine. Just fine Mr. Burns. Just tell me one thing. Do I still have a job at the plant?"

He took a moment to consider her question. Would it really be wise to keep her around? She seemed highly qualified for the position simply based upon her financial prowess alone. Then again, what was she really up to? Could he really afford to have her privy to all of his dubious business practices? It would seem illogical to give someone like her even more fodder to blackmail him later on. Such knowledge would only give her more power over him.

"I'm sorry Lindsey. I'm going to have to fire you. I just don't think it would work out. Besides the fact that a couple of laws were broken, it would be awkward for the both of us." said Burns.

"I don't think it would be all that awkward working along side of you." Lindsey stated, the car coming to a halt at the stoplight. Burns had been staring at her, but looked away uncomfortably as she caught his stare.

"I'm sorry, but my mind is made up." said Burns.

"Well, I'm sorry it has to be this way. I just hope you know what you've gotten yourself into. You see, I have this nasty habit of holding a grudge."

"What exactly are you saying Ms. Naegle?"

"Just tread lightly around me from now on Monty and there won't be any trouble. I'm not one to be trifled with too easily." she said venomously.

"What is that? Surely it isn't a threat?" asked Burns staring at her once again, his eyes wide with disbelief. Lindsey looked into his eyes and reached a hand out to his face, patting the side of his cheek patronizingly like one would a child.

"Still so cute Monty. So naively cute..."

- o - o - o -

Fortunately for Burns, they arrived right on time for the banquet. Even one more minute in that car with Lindsey and the deadening silence between them would have been unbearable. He was anxious to get there and find Smithers. He told himself that it was just so he could fill him in on what happened with Lindsey, but deep down, he knew that some part of him was actually eager to see his assistant. He was eager to get back to the familiarity that Smithers brought along side him.

It was around seven. The sun hung heavy in the blue sky, still more than an hour before it finally set. Mr. Burns stood next to his car, unconsciously scanning the area for Smithers' car which was nowhere to be seen. He then stopped to take a look around. They were at the local Shelbyville Charriot Hotel which looked to be somewhere around twenty stories high. Burns walked a little ahead of Lindsey and anyone watching wouldn't even think they had come together. Nonetheless, Burns still held the door open for her out of habit.

Once they made it to the banquet hall on the fourth floor, Burns stood atop a balcony overlooking the room. Leading down from he balcony was a set of curved staircases. He quickly glanced around the ballroom full of tables, chairs and people standing around chatting. The room was huge and very elegant with it's high ceilings, golden walls, shiny wooden parquet flooring and white drapery. As he reached the bottom of the stair case, there was a stage directly ahead. The middle of the room was cleared out as a dance floor with tables on either side.

Burns caught himself once again searching for Smithers amongst the roomful of guests. By the looks of it, he most likely hadn't arrived yet. He felt someone brush up against him from behind and turned to see that it was Lindsey.

"Well, I'm sorry this evening kicked off to a bad start." she said. "I think it would be best for us to bury the hatchet and at least try to have fun."

"Yes. I suppose you're right." Burns answered uncertainly. She seemed considerably nicer now, than she had not long ago when they were in the car.

"Well, I'll just be on my way, I have lots of mingling to do before dinner starts. I do hope you'll reconsider firing me."

"Lindsey I..." Burns started, but Lindsey pressed a finger to his lips, stopping him from finishing his sentence.

"Just think about it." said Lindsey before leaving Burns standing there alone at the base of the steps. He hadn't been alone at any fancy gala or event for as long as he could remember and was kind of surprised that no one had approached him yet. Even though he had only just arrived, normally he would have already been swarmed with party guests and rich business associates all vying for his attention. The occasional person came along, brushing by him and not one of them stopped to greet him. Could it be that no one recognized him without Smithers by his side? Burns laughed at the thought.

He decided it would be best to stop standing around like an idiot and walk around a bit to see if he saw anyone he knew and to hopefully flaunt his presense a little. It would have been nice to at least receive one compliment on his white tux and hat that he'd bought just for the occasion. He spotted Lindsey chatting away with some young businessman that Burns was friends with. She certainly didn't seem to waste any time finding someone else.

Burns then turned his attention to a younger red-haired lady that seemed to be all alone like himself. He approached her.

"Well hello there young lady, are you sure you aren't hurt?"

"What?" she asked.

"You know, when you fell from heaven?"

"Oh! You think you... and I..." The woman laughed hysterically, holding her sides. "Good heavens, now that's a good one! Move along grandpa, I'm not interested in old geysers."

"But I'm cute..." mumbled Burns. While he didn't like being laughed at, he still had been prepared for such a reaction so he didn't let it bother him for long.

He was sort of relieved that he still had the urge to flirt with all of the pretty women, something that had been worrying him every since he started feeling this confusion over Smithers. He could remember a time in his life when almost no one would turn him down. Even if he knew he didn't stand a chance with them, it was worth it just for the attention alone. It was worth it for the thrill of the hunt as they say.

Moving on, he saw another woman chatting with a couple of other girls. One of them was a little obscured from his view. One was a petite blond with a green cocktail dress. The tallest one had beautiful, glossy black hair and seemed to be the center of attention. Burns sidled up next to them.

"Well hello there ladies! Mind if I join in on the conversation?" said Burns, his attention centered on the tall brunette.

"Huh? Who are you?" she asked in a snarky tone.

"Don't tell me you've never seen me before! I certainly know I've seen you somewhere." said Burns playfully, tipping his white hat to the side.

"Oh? And where would that be?" asked the woman unfazed.

"Why, in my dreams of course!"

"Save it pal. I'm married." The brunette elbowed her friend, smirking mockingly at Burns. He was sure she was single, after all he didn't see a ring and that was something he always checked for; However, the woman's attitude was becoming a major turnoff.

"Really? I don't see a ring." said Burns, crossing his arms.

"Surely you aren't that old fashioned?" she asked, "You don't have to wear a ring constantly you know."

"Okay then, where's your husband?" asked Burns. He honestly didn't know why he was even talking to her anymore. Perhaps out of curiosity.

"You don't have to have a husband to be married these days old-timer." she answered.

"What? Don't be ridiculous. Married means man and woman. You're the woman, so there has to be a man in the formula somewhere!"

"Damn! What the F*** is you're problem? Would you just go away?" yelled the tall brunette.

"Of course, just wait a second." said Burns uncrossing his arms, "I'm confused. What did you marry then if it wasn't a man? A rabbit? A tree?"

"Well, if you must know..." The woman, without warning, grabbed the shorter blond haired girl next to her and planted a kiss right on her lips. When she finally released her, the blond girl looked stunned for a second as did Burns."

"I always have that affect. What can I say? I have many talents." said the Brunette.

Burns looked around and quickly discovered that no one in the room had even reacted to the kiss and he was left feeling ridiculously at a loss for words.

"Well if you had been wearing a ring then you wouldn't have to worry about creepy old men hitting on you!" Burns yelled.

"Whatever. Come on Gabby." The two girls left, leaving their friend standing next to Burns. She seemed to be amused by the whole thing and was holding her hand over her mouth in an attempt to stifle her giggling. She had waist length, curly brown hair and a form-fitting silver dress. He didn't know why he had failed to notice her before. She was a real sight for sore eyes and arguably the most beautiful women in the whole ballroom. Her exotic features looked to be right out of the Hollywood movies.

"Well aren't you just too cute for words?" she said, grabbing on to Burns' arm lightly.

"Hello there. The name's Monty Burns."

"You don't have to tell me. I know who you are. I'm Kendra Lockheart." she said cheerfully. Burns reached for her hand, kissing it like a gentleman in an old classic movie.

"Hm, it's good to find that at least someone here knows my name." said Burns. It was encouraging to hear someone acknowledge the fact that he was indeed cute, even if it was a stranger. Even hearing a few of his cheesy pick-up lines earlier hadn't been a turn-off for her. Gaining a little of his confidence back, Burns spoke.

"So, would it be okay to take a picture of you? I'd like to show Santa just what I want for Christmas this year." he said.

"Oh, I just wanna take you home and-" her words trailed off as her attention seemed to be diverted to something in the distance, behind Burns. He turned around to see what she was looking at but he didn't see anything. He did notice that quite a few others were also staring and their eyes seemed to be drawn to the top of the staircase on the other side of the room. Burns did see someone up there, two people in fact. It looked like a new couple had arrived and were fashionably late. Burns didn't see what all the commotion and whispering was about, they looked to be just regular party guests.

However, as they descended staircase, Burns did notice that there was something about them that set them apart from the crowd. They were a very nice looking well-dressed couple, exceptionally good-looking in fact. The man, with his sleek black tux and dark, slicked back hair, looked even more dapper than Burns himself which didn't sit well with him. He was all ready to dislike the man the minute he entered the room.

Surprisingly, the well-dressed stranger and his female companion approached Mr. Burns, coming to stand in front of him. The man was grinning at him as if waiting for some response. Burns had a blank stare on his face as he tried to figure out why the man had stopped in front of him without saying a word. Burns reached out awkwardly to shake his hand. The man ignored the handshake and simply placed both hands on Burns' shoulders, shaking him a bit with a little more familiarity than Burns was comfortable with.

"Mr. Burns? Come on, don't you even recognize me?"

The voice suddenly made his heart skip a beat as he instantly recognized it to be Smithers'. How could it be that this stranger perfectly mimicked his voice so well?

"Wha- what?" Burns managed to utter. His mind still as blank as his stare.

"Do I really look that different?" the man laughed, his hands still clasped onto Burns' shoulders. "Stella, I told you not to go overboard."

"Smithers?" asked Burns uncertainly.

"Yeah." Smithers answered, finally letting go of him. He looked decidedly amused by Burns' reaction and Burns held his hand to his mouth as he finally looked away, coughing embarrassingly and trying to straighten himself out. Smithers looked completely different leaving Burns feeling even more uneasy around him than before.

He swallowed, his throat uncomfortably dry as he set his sights back on his assistant again. He had never seen Smithers so... put together from head to toe. Had he been any other man, Burns would have been instantly envious of the newcomer that was stealing all the limelight; however, this was Smithers. He wasn't suppose to be so dashing. How did he even manage to walk down those steps without his glasses? His hair was slicked back so neatly, clearly a shade darker, presumably from the hair gel. His black tux was so dark it seemed to radiate with a hint of blue when cast under the right light. Beneath the jacket he wore a silver waistcoat and matching tie and had a blue daisy pinned to his lapel.

"Smithers." Burns repeated after a long pause. "Can I talk to you alone for a minute?" Burns internally kicked himself for even suggesting they be alone. He had wanted to tell Smithers about firing Lindsey just like he always told Smithers everything that went on, but now he wasn't so sure if they could fall back into the comfortable routine they'd had before.

Smithers looked over to Stella momentarily.

"Oh alright, I know you're trying to get rid of me. Have fun alone with Burnsie." Stella winked before leaving the two standing alone.

"W-what did she... mean by that?" asked Burns.

"Just forget it." Smithers laughed nervously, standing with his arms clasped behind his back. "I think it's gonna be kind of hard to find a moment alone in this place Monty." Burns could feel Smithers nudging against him, making the comment even more suggestive.

A.N. - Don't kill me for ending it there! XD Wait, I don't mean the story is ending, just the chapter. Smithers and Burns still haven't gotten it on yet... uh... not that I would actually write about that ;) I'd certainly -try- to handle it carefully.

Just want to give a quick thanks to a few reviewers: DevilsLight, QueenTakhsis, Rose-de-Noire, Zesty Cactus, Kaboocha, Rainbow Anomaly, TourmalineTrue, Lisbeth Simpson. I know that isn't everyone... just the ones that were on the latest review page. If you aren't listed, that means I hate you... just kidding! XD Hope you guys don't mind me mentioning you. Thanks for putting up with my slow posting habits lately.

Coming up: What happens at the long awaited and much hyped banquet? ah... more like what's gonna happen on prom nig -coughs-I mean banquet night.

To Be Continued.