Chapter Twenty One:
He remained there with the door shut as the hours went by. When he came out he found her asleep on the couch. He glanced at his watch and then poured himself another drink as he sat there across from her while she slept. She woke to find him staring at her.
"Have you slept?" she asked.
"No," he said quietly.
"Are you drunk?" she asked since he still held a glass in his hand.
"Nope…would like to be though."
Two drinks…
I've only had two drinks…
"I'm going to bed," she said as she stood and hurried to the bedroom closing the door.
She sat on the edge of the bed and willed herself to breathe in and out. It had been the first time she had seen him drink so much. She was not accustomed to seeing him in that condition. The memories of her drunken father floated to the surface and she recalled the many physical fights she had witnessed between her parents until her mother had killed her father one night.
She shivered.
She dressed for bed, curling up on her side of the bed. She closed her eyes and slept.
He tried to be quiet when he came to bed, throwing off his clothes and then plopping down in the bed. He cursed out loud when he saw that she was curled up on the edge of her side. He rolled over and pulled her back to the middle of the bed. She stirred but remained still. She wasn't prepared when she felt him on top of her. He fumbled with her gown and she started to protest until he cupped her breasts taking one into his mouth sending shivers down her back. He then lifted his head and devoured her mouth plunging deeply.
"You've been drinking," she whispered.
"I want you," he said.
He pinned her arms down and kissed her. "Remember when you told me to pin you down that day in the lab?" he asked.
"Yes," she whispered.
"I wanted to take you right then and there," he said.
"Grissom…"
"Tell me you love me," he said in a pleading voice. She closed her eyes and fought back the tears.
You've not told me…
"Grissom…" she tried to push him off but couldn't. She began to panic.
"You smelled so sweet that day. Your hair was curly…it had been raining…you try to hide the fact that it's naturally curly…I've always wanted you," he said leaning down to kiss her lips.
"Griss?"
"You're not taking that job."
Please tell me you'll stay…
Please tell me you love me…
Please tell me it's not just sex to you…
"You don't tell me what to do." He felt the pressure in his chest and he lowered his head into the pillow to stifle the sob.
"Sara…please…" His despair tore at her. .
"Grissom, you're hurting me…"
"You're hurting me," he said.
He kissed her once again and the taste of the scotch made her stomach lurch. She felt the bile begin to rise. She found herself back to another time when she was held in the same manner and she had been unable to stop the advances and the young man had taken advantage of the situation. She had lost more than her virginity that night. She struggled frantically this time.
"Stop..stop…stop…please don't hurt me…stop.." she was sobbing now.
"Sara?" he released her immediately pulling her tightly to him. "Honey, I'm sorry…so sorry..I would never hurt you on purpose.. Sara?"
She continued to sob pushing him away until she found herself in the corner of the room. She grabbed the blanket and clutched at it. Bruno came running into the room and whined. He immediately came and sat beside Sara.
Grissom grabbed his robe placing it around him as he sat down beside her and tried to take her into his arms.
"Please Sara, let me hold you…I won't hurt you," he said. He watched as she burrowed herself into the blanket and begged him to stop.
"I've stopped. I won't ever do that again. Honey, please…please let me hold you," he whispered.
She looked at him and slowly moved into his arms. He felt her tremble and he cursed. He held her there rocking her back and forth. "Sssh, it's okay. I'm so sorry honey. I never meant to scare or hurt you," he sobbed.
"No drinking! No drinking!" she yelled between sobs.
"No drinking. I'll pour it out," he said cursing at himself as he felt his own tears.
I keep screwing up…
I keep hurting her…
I didn't mean to hurt her…
She doesn't love me…
How could she love me…
"Did I hurt you?' he asked. "Please Sara, I have to know…did I hurt you?"
She shook her head. His chest heaved.
"But I scared you."
She nodded slowly.
"Why?"
"Don't ever hold me down. Don't ever pin me down…don't ever force me…"
"I would never do that!"
She hiccupped as she tried to stop the sobbing.
"Sara, has anyone ever…"
She nodded.
He had suspected it for years. All those times, he had reprimanded her verbally when she had gotten too caught up in a domestic violence or rape case. He finally discovered why domestic violence cases bothered her when she broke down one day telling him about her parents. She had never told him why rape cases bothered her and now he knew.
I've screwed up again.
He picked her up placing her back in the bed but held her.
He rolled so that they faced one another.
"I'm sorry. I'll never do that again. I promise," he choked out. He wiped the tears from her face.
"Do you want to talk about…"
"No!" she said turning over to face the wall.
He felt helpless. He lay there beside her unsure if she would want him to touch her.
"Grissom?"
"Yes?"
"Would you hold me?"
His heart fluttered as he slid his body up next to hers and wrapped his arms gently about her. She rolled over and clung to him as she cried. He held her kissing and whispering softly into her ear how much he regretted doing that to her. She fell asleep in his arms.
He woke to find her still asleep. Her body lay sprawled across his. His head ached from the liquor and he swore he would never touch the stuff again. He remembered the fear in her eyes and he berated himself once more. He held her hand and kissed the palm. The memories of that night were added to his list of mistakes he had made. It scared him.
She'll leave for sure now…
I've asked her if she loves me…
She wouldn't say…
And then I had to go and hurt her…
I just wanted to make love to her…
To show her how much I love her…
He pulled himself up and hurried into the kitchen. He started to reach for the bottle to throw it away but noticed it was already gone. He searched for it and found it already in the trash. He turned and stared at the bedroom.
I really scared her…
I've really messed up this time…
He showered trying to wash away the guilt that nagged him. He sat there and waited for her to wake but each time he only remembered her fear; it tore at his conscious. He scribbled a note and then left telling himself it would be best if he went in and worked off the frustration and contempt he had for himself.
She woke to find herself alone. She had wanted to talk with him…to explain how he had not hurt her but he had already left. She had slipped out of the bed during the night and poured out the scotch throwing the bottle away and then checking for any other alcohol.
She stood there now noticing the bottle had been removed from the trash and was now sitting on the counter. She felt guilty for doing it…knowing that he promised he would do it and now he probably was upset that she did not believe him. The smell of the alcohol had frightened her bringing back memories she had hoped were long since buried. She held her wrists. He had not hurt her but the memories of the past caused her to rub them.
She showered and then dressed, picking up around the house before finding herself out of breath and needing to sit down. She took her medicine and then ate a light meal before curling up in the chair in the study with a book.
The hours passed and she glanced at the clock. She slipped on her shoes and decided she would attempt to have dinner with him. She drove to the lab but stopped when she saw him exit the building with Heather and then watched as they got into his vehicle and drove away.
She sat there and stared at nothing.
He's working on a case…
Its business…
He's slept with her before…
She's a dominatrix…
Perhaps she's more his type…
She felt the bile rise and suddenly she opened her door letting the vomit spew forth. She took deep gasps as she tried to control the nausea.
She drove home telling herself she should not jump to conclusions wiping the tears with each declaration. She sat there in the house and watched the clock. The hours passed and soon the shift was over but he did not come home. She found herself pacing now, checking her watch and then the phone for any messages and finding none.
"Fine, if you don't want to tell me where or what you do then consider that mutual."
His words swirled around in her head and she wondered where he was and what he was doing.
"I'm not going to do this," she said out loud. "I'm not going to put myself through this."
She fixed a light meal feeding Bruno at the same time so she would not have to eat alone. She then spent the next hour in the bathroom as her system rejected the sustenance.
She shivered.
Her phone rang and she ran to answer it.
"Sara?"
She closed her eyes and fought back the disappointment.
"Corbin?"
"You didn't respond to my letter….are you still interested?" he asked.
"I uhm…let me get back with," she said she felt the need to return to the bathroom.
"Let me know soon, okay?"
She clicked the phone as she hurried back letting it fall on the bed.
She told herself she would not listen to rumors or gossip although it was difficult when she was stuck in one of the women's stalls and Judy stood there gossiping to her friends.
"Did you see Mr. Grissom leave with that woman the other night?" asked Judy.
Rhonda laughed, "Sofia has her work cut out if she thinks she's going to get him away from Sara and already there is someone else moving in."
"I heard they have a history together," said Judy.
"I heard he's fascinated with her…always gotten her out of trouble… that's why he keeps going back to her," said Rhonda.
"Back to her? What do you know that I don't?" asked Judy.
"I heard he was sleeping with her on a regular basis until Sara got herself pregnant and snatched him. You know he's not going to be satisfied with just Sara not after he's been with someone like Lady Heather!"
"Have you seen her web site?" asked Judy.
"Too kinky for me," said Rhonda who giggled followed by Judy.
Sara sat there with her head in her hands.
Grissom sat there at Lady Heather's and felt himself nod off.
"You're tired. Why don't you lie down?" she offered.
"I don't think that we're going to find out who's been blackmailing you tonight. Brass can follow up on any leads….it really isn't anything the lab should be doing," he said as he stood.
"Yes but I trust you," she countered.
"I'm glad as long as it remains professional," he said. "I'm married…happily."
"Is that why you've not bothered to call her and she's not bothered to call you even though you keep checking your messages."
"I didn't want to wake her…she's not been feeling well," he said.
"I heard she miscarried."
Grissom's jaw twitched. He was getting tired of outsiders knowing his personal business.
"If there is no other information you can give us…"
"You married her…Sara."
"Yes, I did."
Heather smiled. "Does she…"
"Yes she does…more than I ever imagined she could."
She smiled again but leaned forward and kissed him. "Good." She then held him tight to her before releasing him. "You've always loved her…good."
"Yes, I have," he admitted and returned the smile.
Note from author:
I read the story again this evening…it had been awhile since I had written it so I can now say for certain…angst…but it gets better…the last three chapters pure fluff…okay you know me…a little angst is thrown in there but they are united in the angst…so after having said that…hang in there with me…you know I am true to GSR. P.S. if you review quickly, we can get another chapter out of the way.
Take care!
Penny