Skies As Grey As Battleships
- Chapter 19: In the Dark -
Touya would have surely toppled to the floor if it hadn't been for N, whose reflexes were obviously somewhat better than Touya's, for he reached one arm out for the elevator's hand rail and one out to grab Touya's wrist.
Touya still lost his balance, but instead of crashing to the floor, he slammed into N. While this landing was certainly softer than the alternative, hitting the floor wouldn't have made him blush. Since N didn't move to disentangle himself from Touya, Touya went ahead and did it himself.
"Thanks," Touya said, his eyes roving blindly in the dark before settling on where he guessed N's face was. At least when they'd been touching, he'd known N's exact location.
"You're welcome," N replied, voice calm but with a vague hint of worry that Touya was surprised he could detect. Touya heard N reach into his pocket and draw out some sort of object. His eyes hadn't adjusted yet - if they were ever going to - so he couldn't see what it was.
"What's going on?" Touya asked, quelling the panic that was threatening to surface. He wasn't scared of the dark or claustrophobic or anything, but being trapped in a tiny, pitch-black space would make most people worry. Mostly, though, he was afraid that this was some sort of attack by the government - that they'd found Team Plasma out and were about to raid the building.
"It's the scheduled blackout," N replied. As his answer was met with silence since Touya had no idea what he was talking about, N quickly elaborated. "It's been on television, and it should have been announced every morning in the factories and other workplaces."
"... Oh," Touya said weakly. He was definitely going to pay attention to the morning announcements from now on. And not tune out the random heads-ups on the news. "Is there any reason for it?"
Touya had been through a couple of scheduled blackouts in the past, but the reasons for them were never publicized. He figured that there had to be some sort of reason, but that it was a secret. And if anyone would know what that secret was, it was probably N.
"Yes. I'll tell you in a moment, but I need to contact the head of security." He sounded apologetic, which made Touya feel guilty for diverting N's attention from things that actually mattered, like the safety of the building.
Touya slid down the wall, slowly but eventually arriving at the floor. He figured that he might as well sit down, as he'd probably be stuck in the elevator for a while.
"Is there a problem with the generators?" N asked, presumably speaking into whatever he'd pulled out of his pocket. A voice crackled over what Touya guessed was a radio in response, but Touya couldn't really hear it well enough to understand what the person was saying.
"I see," N said levelly after the person on the other end finished speaking. Touya thought that he sounded annoyed - which was strange, because while he'd seen N irritated before, he'd never seen him irritated directly at another person. There was another burst of noise from the other end. "No, it would be more prudent if we waited."
More noise. "I can't go anywhere at the moment; however, all that needs to be done is to secure the building." The radio crackled again. "Yes." After the radio had clicked off, the elevator returned to being swathed in silence.
Touya could hear N sit down on the floor. Though he couldn't see where he was, he had the sense that N was looking around in an attempt to find him. "I'm here," Touya said, hoping that N would be able to find him based on his voice. Touya had his ears trained in N's direction, and he listened as N slowly moved closer.
Touya instinctively tensed when N's arm came to rest against his, and N retracted his arm immediately and apologized.
"No, it's okay," Touya said quickly, surprised with himself. He scooted towards N until their arms were once again touching. Touya's heart rate had skyrocketed by this point, but touching N was somehow reassuring. Though the dark was distressing for obvious reasons, Touya appreciated it for the sole reason that it hid his blush.
Touya couldn't tell if N was surprised or not at the fact that Touya had evidently decided that physical contact was suddenly okay, but he sounded relatively normal when he spoke. "You were wondering about the cause of the blackout earlier. It's somehow related to the construction occurring at the Second Chasm."
Touya began dredging up memories about when he'd watched Crane's last address. He did sort of remember hearing something about the Second Chasm, but the details were vague.
"Has what's being built been announced?"
"Not officially, but I'm fairly sure of what it is regardless. Information was reported two weeks ago which indicated that an extensive facility, outfitted with secure holding cells, is to be built underground, along with unremarkable buildings on the surface to lessen suspicion."
Touya was just about to ask for further details when he got the feeling that something was off. It took him a second, but he realized what it was.
N was shaking. It was very faint, and had Touya only been looking at N, even with the lights on, he didn't think he'd be able to tell. It was only because he was pressed up against N's side that he'd noticed.
It certainly wasn't because the elevator was cold. Since the blackout had only recently robbed the building of its climate control, the space was just slightly warmer than room temperature. Factoring in the added heat that came from being right next to someone else, the elevator was more than warm and certainly nowhere near cool.
Also, N hadn't looked sick at all when he'd met Touya at the entrance to the building, and though it was certainly possible that he could be trying to act healthy, Touya had gotten fairly skilled at seeing through people pretending not to be sick - Cheren had done it all the time when they were in school together.
Which meant that neither temperature nor sickness was a likely culprit.
"N?" Touya asked tentatively. He didn't want to overstep his bounds, but if there was something bothering N, then he wanted to do anything he could to help him. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," N said slowly, sounding surprised that Touya had asked.
"But..." Touya trailed off, worried but hesitant, "You're shaking."
Touya could feel N freeze still the moment he said it. After a beat of silence, Touya hastily stammered, "You, um, don't have to tell me, but... I'm worried." At the last part, N seemed to relax, but only slightly.
"... It's the dark," N admitted softly. "Logically, I understand that there is nothing frightening hiding in the shadows - darkness is only the absence of light, nothing more. But it... it isn't even entirely the dark that is the problem. It is being trapped in a dark location with no means of escape."
Touya had to admit that that was an oddly specific phobia. People could be born with a multitude of fears, but with something this specific, Touya thought that it seemed more likely that something had happened to N to make him afraid of this particular situation. He didn't really want to think about the kind of thing that would cause a person to develop a fear of being trapped in dark spaces.
"It's okay to be scared." It sounded childish - so very childish - but it was the best advice that Touya felt he could give. Phobias were by their very nature irrational, and they rarely surrendered to reason. So instead of trying to pretend like the object of the fear wasn't scary, maybe it was just best to admit that it was alright to be afraid of something.
"No, it isn't. As the leader of Team Plasma, I cannot allow myself to be frightened. I have to remain calm at all times, and I must always be able to command and make rational decisions. It should be easy," N paused for a second, "but it rarely is."
Touya wasn't sure what to say, but he was determined not to let the conversation lapse into silence. So he decided to wing it and hoped that his words adequately communicated what he really wanted to get across. "You said that you want to be rational all the time, but that isn't possible. Because people have emotions, and they can't help but be influenced by them. So... wouldn't it be better to use your emotions, instead of trying to ignore them?"
N didn't respond right away. He was, presumably, trying to figure out how to respond to Touya's question. Correction - Touya's highly personal question. He was again worried that he'd gone too far. Having very little experience with giving advice of such a personal nature, Touya had no basis of comparison.
"I was once told that I had no emotions," N said softly. The vulnerability in his voice only highlighted the absolute falseness of what he'd been told; after all, it was impossible for a person to be vulnerable if they didn't have emotions.
For a second, Touya wasn't sure that he'd heard N correctly. N clearly had emotions, so saying anything to the contrary was absurd. Touya wasn't sure if it was something in N's voice, but he just knew that when N had been told that he had no emotions, the person telling him so had been completely serious.
Telling someone this kind of thing in jest or when angry was bad enough, but to do so in perfect seriousness was inexcusable. He briefly wondered who could possibly be cruel enough to say that to someone - to N - before discarding the thought. Because who it had been wasn't important. What mattered was making N feel better.
"That's not true. You definitely have emotions. You're always nice, but you don't really realize that what you're doing is kind, which makes it even kinder. You try to hide when you're amused or embarrassed, but it's clear when you are." Touya was fully aware of the fact that he was heading into rambling territory, but he figured that now was probably the best possible moment to say more than usual. "And when you explain things, you do it so that the other person doesn't feel inferior. You look out for other people. That's why I..." Realizing that he didn't know what he was about to say, Touya stopped speaking for a second, scrambling for a way to complete the sentence he'd left hanging. "That's part of why I like you."
That certainly ranked highly on the list of most embarrassing things that he'd ever said, but if it made N feel better, then it would be completely worth it.
"... I've never been told that before," N finally said, sounding shocked. While 'that' could refer to all or only part of the massive amount of words that Touya had spoken, he had the depressing feeling that it was probably the former.
To never be told that one was liked was something that Touya couldn't imagine.
"How do you tell when I'm amused?" N asked after a moment, sounding curious and far more like himself. Touya was incredibly relieved by the fact that N seemed to be feeling better; in fact, Touya realized that N was no longer shaking.
"Even if you don't smile, your mouth quirks up just a little, and when you're about to laugh but try not to, your eyes look... glittery."
That was quite possibly the worst description Touya had ever given of something, ever.
"'Glittery'?" N clearly found Touya's word choice hilarious.
"... Yes." He couldn't help but sound somewhat indignant. Evidently, N only thought that his tone of voice made things funnier, because he started laughing.
Touya didn't even know what to do at first because N was finally laughing and Touya had been the cause of it and it was all a little overwhelming. Touya smiled, and something in his chest fluttered. It was a sensation he'd felt before, but only around N.
After a few seconds, N's laughter naturally died down. Touya wondered why hearing N laugh made him feel so incredibly happy. He'd obviously heard people laugh before, and the feeling he had upon hearing others laugh was nowhere near similar to what he'd felt when N had laughed.
The confusing thing was, he couldn't even chalk it up to the fact that N's laugh was more special than usual because he didn't laugh much to begin with. Because his sense of humour was odd, Cheren almost never laughed - and when he did, it was often unexpected. And yet Touya never started smiling or felt fluttery or anything like that when Cheren laughed.
Regardless of why he was so affected, he'd made N laugh and quite possibly helped lessen some baggage N had been carrying.
So as weird as it was to admit it, Touya decided that getting stuck in an elevator with N was oddly productive and actually fairly pleasant.
A/N: Let me start off by saying that N's aversion to dark spaces is a this-fic-only thing, as I doubt it's actually canon. The reason for this is because of the changes in N's past that have occurred by nature of this fic being AU. And, yes, some of these changes will later be addressed.
When N mentions that he's never been told any of the nice things that Touya said to him, he means that he's never been told that by another human. I imagine that at least Zorua's told N that he likes him.
The reason that the back-up generators aren't working is because, due to lack of use, the gas and oil have congealed and clogged the generators. N is understandably annoyed, because the gas and oil shouldn't have been put in there to begin with since the generators weren't going to be used for a while.