As Spencer's hand covers mine, I actually make a real effort to keep her face in my vision this time. I can feel her hand in mine, warm and reassuring, and I can see her watching me with concern as I'm sure my face screws up in concentration. I'm here. I'm here with her, and I just need to stay here with her, as tempting as it is to find out more about my past. If I can master controlling this, I can choose when to look back into my past and when to stay in the present. But damn, is it hard when I can feel the new memory taking me over and sucking me in. For a moment, I'm caught between the present and the past, Spencer's face swimming in front of me while my old memory plays like a highlight reel in the back of my head. It affects my entire body. I get a brief feeling in my knees, like they're pressed into the soft mattress of a bed, and I hear heavy panting, and I close my eyes as warm air slides past my chin as though someone's exhaling close to my face. I read these signs and know what this dream could be, and the temptation is once again way too great. Spencer's exercise will have to wait again; I want this memory far too much to try to fend it off any longer.
Spencer's breathing hard and arching slightly beneath me and I'm hanging onto every whimper she makes as I focus on where my hand is pressed intimately between her thighs. The free arm holding me up is beginning to hurt and I shift to relieve the pain, bringing my face down closer to Spencer's and placing open-mouthed kisses down her neck. From here, I can hear her heavy breathing even more clearly, and I can hear every time it catches just slightly. I could listen to those sounds forever. I love her so much.
She surprises me by digging her hands into my hips and rolling us over, forcing my hand out from between her legs. Immediately, her own hands get to work on the button and zipper of my pants, the only article of clothing left between the two of us save for my underwear. "It was your turn," I breathe out in protest as she finishes pulling my pants off, but I quickly stop complaining the minute she touches me. My back arches and I feel a quiet moan bubble up in my throat.
"You were getting tired," she retorts with a grin, her face above mine as her hair tickles my chest and shoulders.
"Was n-OT," I protest, my tone climbing higher when Spencer decides it's a good time to curl her fingers. "God. That's so not fair."
"I think you'll get over it," she teases, and then covers my mouth with her own.
The memory fades out and when I open my eyes, I register the quickened pounding of my heart and the dull throbbing in my head. Then I register Spencer right in front of me, and immediately swallow hard. With my memory still fresh and her face only a couple feet from mine, a feeling I've yet to have since my memory wipe fills me: lust. I'm suddenly overly aware of her lips, and I only barely manage to reign in my hormones and remember where I am. When I do snap back to reality, the memory begins to fade, as always, and I feel the lust ebb away. It's not the same this time, though. I've no longer only watched myself feel this way for another person; I've felt a part of it myself. For a moment, I wanted her. And now I remember how it felt to want someone. I feel the effects of that even after the memory has nearly faded completely. I don't just find Spencer attractive anymore. I'm attracted to her now.
"Fuck," I murmur, leaning back against the wall and wincing when my head throbs harder the instant I make contact with it. "Ow."
"Are you okay? Did it work?" Spencer asks me earnestly as I rub my head and attempt to recover. "Did you fight it at all?"
"It didn't work," I murmur, unable to look at her without feeling embarrassed now. "But I did fight it for a few seconds. At least now we know it's possible."
"That's amazing," she breathes out, and when I finally look at her, she's grinning proudly. "I knew it could work. I knew you could do it."
"Sure," I reply, slowly getting to my feet and moving to where my backpack's resting against the tunnel wall. I want to get the second cot package out. "Let's get some rest now. I can't do another."
"And we can try again tomorrow night?" Spencer suggests.
"Yeah," I agree without turning around, and thankfully, she drops the conversation and lets me go to sleep.
I'm woken up to a flashlight in my face and a faint, low rumbling sound in my ears. Spencer's behind the flashlight and she walks over to me as I sit up and squint at her.
"Do you hear that?" she whispers, pointing her flashlight upwards. I follow the light and listen harder.
"Yeah. Something's up there."
A loud horn-like sound pierces through the solid rock between our tunnel and the surface, and Spencer and I both start, recognizing the noise immediately.
"It's a train," she says excitedly while I immediately stumble over to my backpack and fumble for the compass. Once I have it, I straighten up and turn, eyeing the arrow on it as the train's horn blares and it passes somewhere over us. I face the direction the arrow's pointing and listen. A grin spreads across my face as the train finally fades away and the rumbling leaves with it.
"And it's heading right in the direction we're supposed to go. I bet if we get lucky, we can use a train to travel."
Spencer and I hurriedly snatch up our things and pack everything up, then resume our trek through the tunnel again, eating breakfast in the form of granola bars as we go.
"We can't be more than a few miles away, then, can we?" I suggest. "I bet we'll reach the end of this by tonight."
"Good," Spencer replies. "I can't wait to see some sunlight."
What we don't talk about is that by leaving the tunnel, we leave safety. We have no way of knowing what's next for us, or whether or not Patrol is on our tails. Hopefully Glen somehow led them astray, but there's no telling whether he's even safe or not at this point.
As we walk, I find myself thinking of my mother again. I've been hyped up on adrenaline and so concerned with surviving that I'd pushed what happened to her out of my mind for the past few days. Even thinking of Sloan now makes my fists clench so hard my fingernails nearly draw blood from my palms. I'll kill him for what he did to her. I may not be able to do anything about the Leaders or Patrol in general, but with enough determination, I can find a way to take out one guy, even if he's bigger and stronger than me. That I'm sure of.
Spencer pulls me from my thoughts soon enough. "Ashley, do you think we should take a break and practice again?"
"We're almost there," I point out. "Why stop now?"
"Because once we get out we can't afford to waste time," she replies. There it is: the first mention of how much danger we'll be putting ourselves in by leaving the tunnel. "You'll have to get some control over this before we hit the end of this thing. Which is probably soon. You got close last time but then it felt like you stopped fighting."
"Here's the thing," I begin, turning to look at her. "Imagine if the one thing you wanted –more than anything in the world- was to know about your past life… You know, scratch that 'if', actually, because I know that's what you want, too. If you could do what I could, and you could feel that memory, that information, right there waiting to be taken, even if it would only be temporary… would you push it away?"
She closes her eyes for a moment, and then opens them with a sigh. "I get it. I do. But I would sacrifice it if it meant my own safety. And at some point it could mean our safety. If you don't practice then you won't be able to let it go when we need you to."
I don't have a response to that for a moment. "Well… it's too draining, anyway. I can't keep doing it while we're trying to travel, you know. I can hardly carry this backpack anymore."
"If it's tiring, let me carry the extra weight," she suggests. "Why don't we practice one more time when we reach the end of the tunnel, and then I'll take some heavy stuff out of your bag and put it into mine before we head up? That's fair."
She's right; I can't really argue with that. "Fine." I take a deep breath. "So I guess all that's left to do is to keep going."