I bolted from Pansy's to the safety of my home and started to make tea. My mum always said decisions that needed making needed tea. Pansy's bold words had awakened a realization in me that I'd previously only toyed with. Draco had implied that he must have been serious when he'd made the proposal and he was certainly currently interested. The two kisses we shared were proof enough but the rest of it just didn't seem rational and I don't do irrational.
I turned to the one source that at least contained half the answers. The damned blue book which was cursed for all I knew. I was hesitant to trust it. Few of its versions of events were how I actually perceived them. It made my relationship with Draco seem like this grand love affair but many of the observations never came to my conscious mind. Maybe I really should have let the hat sort me into Ravenclaw all those years ago. All this headlong diving into things was really getting old.
Chocking a couple points up to doing what was nonsensical for the sake of it for once, I decided that to continue to read the damned thing. I started at the end this time. Not surprisingly the last page was an entry for this morning. What was surprising was that the majority of the replay was as I'd experienced it. My realization of his hurt and disappointment was the same as I'd perceived it this morning but what was new was my own feelings,
He came close to me and I could feel his breath on my face. I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted him to claim me in spite of my rejection. He did not. Instead he only said, "Nice to know that this is your opinion of me. Sorry to take up so much of your time." I could have collapsed there and died in my bitterness. My opinion of him hasn't been the same since we were practically children. I love him and I can't tell him. I love him and I can't even acknowledge it to myself. I love him and he is walking away.
Again I threw the book from myself. Was it true? Did I love him? Had I loved him for all this time? I took a fast sip of my tea and choked it down as it scalded my tongue but I embraced the pain. It was easier than dealing with the current reality. It was 2 in the afternoon and I'd woken at 10 but my mind was moving faster and faster. I felt the need to shut it down and so I did. I physically blocked my brain from working any more. I entered my room and pulled the drapes and undressed throwing my sundress across the room and choosing to sleep with my bare skin against the sheets. The cool heaviness of down comforter took my restless thoughts away into the dark bliss of sleep.