This is the rest of chapter 20; Joey telling Charlie about the rape (warning!). Sorry it took me so long to update, it was very hard to write. I must say a big thank you to .insomnia who helped and inspired me with how to write this chapter!
I was down below in the galley. Cleaning. There were dirty mugs everywhere, some half full of cold coffee. Aiden was on deck. Well I thought he was. I could hear heavy steps moving around. But I felt safe. Then I heard the heavy boots clanging on the steel steps, making their way slowly below deck.
I smelt him first; rotten fish, sweat and sickly sour breath. It filled my nose and mouth, choking me. It made me sick. The panic set in then. I was frozen to the spot. I couldn't breathe. I was alone. With him. Aiden had left me.
I felt him come up behind me, the sound of his boots on the rough floor was deafening. He stood behind me, panting, not doing anything. I should of turned, tried to run. But I couldn't, I was paralysed. He grabbed my arm and pulled me around roughly to face him. His skin ws so rough. He pushed himself against me.
The edge of the table cut into my back, stars flashed across my eyes from the pain.I clung to the pain, anything to avoid comprehending what I saw in his eyes. He had the eyes of a hungry wolf stalking its prey. They told me everything he was going to do to me before he touched me. Yet still I couldn't fight. It was as if I had withdrawn so far into myself with fear I couldn't control my body.
He kissed me. Roughly. Hungrily. He forced his tongue into my mouth. His taste made me want to vomit. I found myself beginning to struggle against him. I couldn't breathe. I was so scared. I was gagging yet he wouldn't stop. He forced himself further into my mouth. His teeth clanged against mine. His stubble scratched my face. I could feel him gather momentum. I could feel his body begin to change against me.
I found some strength, I tried to fight. I clawed at his arms, trying to push him away. Desperately. I managed to rip my mouth from his. I screamed. He didn't like that. He slapped me. All the strength left me in that moment. There was nothing I could do.
I was helpless. He had won.
He started grinding against me. Harder and harder. He ran his rough hands all over my body. He kneaded my breasts like a mad man. I was cold. Empty. He was so rough, so relentless.
I knew what was coming. I could see it in his eyes.
His breath ragid and sour on my face. He stopped for a second. It was my chance. But I didn't fight. I was trapped.
He pushed me down onto the floor. It was cold. I hit my head. He was naked, erect. My pants were gone. He was on top of me. His body so heavy. I couldn't breathe.
Pain. Blinding pain. Helplessness. Grunting. Sweat. Pounding.
My whole body on fire, such searing pain. Endless hot tears.
I screamed but no sound came out. There was nothing left in me. There was none of me left. I was gone. Broken.
I blacked out.
I came too as he pulled off me, sated. He pulled on his jeans and left. He looked at me with such triumph, such contempt.
I just lay there. My whole body ached. I felt his disgusting, sickly fluid flow from me. I smelt like him. He was all over me. I was so disgusted. I cried.
I yelled out as the rage came. Why hadn't I fought him? Why had Aiden left me? What did I do to deserve this? Why me?
I don't know how long I lay there, but somehow I felt myself rise. I grabbed my pants and somehow managed to dress myself. I continued to clean up the galley. I don't know why. I guess I was in shock, denial, I just wanted to continue on as if nothing happened. But with every movement pain shot through my body, memories flashed across my eyes. I fled, panic and fear and revulsion pushing me up to the deck.
The light was blinding. I was mad, insane with terror, I ran into the ropes, tripped over the pods until I finally found the side of the boat. I vomited then, trying to rid my body of him. I was so disgusted. I sank to the deck as the convulsions ebbed. I just sat there, vomit dripping down my tshirt, staring across the deck at the water.
A sight that usually brought me such joy just left me empty. I felt nothing.
Slowly I managed to pull myself up, my legs were weak, I didn't think they would hold me. I stumbled home, glad that Brett was out. I fell into the shower and curled up on the floor. I turned the hot tap on and let the water scald me. I wanted to rid myself of him. I wanted to be clean. I just wanted to feel, something, anything.