"Boy next door…"
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~Chapter 21 - Tortured Reflection
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Sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
Don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face
Be a good boy
Try a little harder
You've got to measure up
And make me prouder
How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do is keep quiet
Be a good girl
You've got to try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud
I'll live for you
I'll make you what I never was
If you're the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him compared to her
I'm doing this for your own damn good
You'll make up for what I blew
What's the problem ... why are you crying
Be a good boy
Push a little farther now
That wasn't fast enough
To make us happy
We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect
(Alanis Morisette - Perfect)
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Edward climbed into bed; t-shirt, jeans, socks, and probably boxer briefs. Which was very unusual; for him. Immediately I felt the weight of his guilt; so deep - he wouldn't even undress in my presence. Punishing me; to punish himself?
"You never sleep in your clothes; not like this." I noted.
"I don't think it's such a good idea." His words were but a whisper in the dark as he reached over to kill the only light - glowing from a silver lamp on the bedside table.
I grew bitter - so fucking bitter. He was in a funk; closing himself off from me until further notice. On his terms; I'd come to read him well. Even when nothing made sense, I wanted to believe I still knew him. The Edward I knew was still in there somewhere and denial is so much easier than accepting change…
I turned away - rolling over to sleep, but this time… This time, I wasn't going to cry. I wasn't going to wonder what was wrong with me. It was evident Edward's troubled roots sank deeper into the earth than mine. My father was right; what's wrong with Edward has nothing to do with me. Edward had demons, perhaps scarier than mine.
"My first mistake was sharing company with people I couldn't trust, when I was in a state where I couldn't even trust myself. I had no-one, nothing, no escape. It was me, myself, and I. When Mike offered; I was already waiting at rock bottom for someone to toss me a rope. Mike threw the first rope and I grabbed hold." Edward's voice echoed in the dark.
"You start out small - test the waters. A little pot; then you start dusting it with a little coke or opium. Someone comes to the party and introduces a little acid and mushrooms. You get hooked on the different ways to escape. Try to find your favorites, but when they're not available you get careless. You want to release yourself from anything and everything; life. Then you start taking what's readily available. Start doing drugs you told yourself you'd never do, you get braver. When heroin came along I was scared shitless. I thought Mike wouldn't let me die, he'd make sure I'd be okay. Only to look over and see he was just as fucked as I was." I rolled over to stare at his silhouette, strong features gazing up at the ceiling.
Listening to him share his story, brought me to the edge where my own past haunted. The only difference; he could choose his drugs, mine were prescribed. You do get braver, tolerant. I stopped counting all the drugs I was consuming. Started taking multiple cocktails; to reach various levels of numb.
"It's hardly a way of living and as time wore on; I became careless and got caught. The first time you get caught, it's a big deal. You promise to never do it again, but you're too far in. So you try to hide it better. But as you get caught over and over again; it reaches a point to where it becomes no big deal." Edward admitted with a soft shrug, his tone steady but quiet. He shifted, rolling onto his side to face me.
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The pain you've been feeling, It's just the dark before the morning.
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"I spent ten days in rehab. Ran into Alice the day of my release…Bumped into Mike at her party. Caved, and you know the rest…When I made it home with images of Becky's blood behind my eyes, I begged my mother to help me. I knew I wasn't safe on the outside."
"So then you had Tanya making deliveries?" Yeah, I watched him. Like a hawk.
"I needed friends. They were all I had. So I smoke a little pot…have a few drinks. It's no big deal. It's not the beast it was before; now I say when."
"Yeah, you say when about everything." I couldn't help myself. It was hard to believe there was this persona, so out of control - and yet he had complete restraint when it came to me. Me! Why me?
"I'm sorry." I quickly apologized for my boldness and lack of tact. It was abrasive and uncalled for. He opens up to me and I can't help but be a bitch… Maybe if I left him alone, played hard to get - he'd want me as much as I wanted him. But; it was hard to turn that part of my brain off with his warmth wrapped around me.
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Celebrate all of the things you don't like about yourself - love yourself.
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We lie awake for what felt like hours. Breathing faint, on edge. Crisp clean sheets shifting ever so slightly with the faintest of sleep adjustments; but it was apparent neither of us could sleep. I felt like we were eight all over again; camping on my bedroom floor. My mother would come in to try to quiet us repeatedly and when that failed Charlie laid down the law in a yell that meant business. He never even had to get up, his tone billowing through the walls was enough to bring us to silence. We'd lie still, just like this. Until one would drift off to sleep and the other would get bored enough to join them.
When Edward's breathing pattern shifted, I quietly rolled over to stare out the window. It had been forever since I looked out that window. After she died; the first couple of weeks Charlie let me sleep with him… And every night, I watched and waited. Hoping she'd appear in that window. Which was irrational considering it was a second floor window. Nothing made sense to me then and little made sense to me now. Hope from one moment to the next; and keep praying the next is better than the last…
"Bella…" Edward's hand extended to catch my shoulder. Hearing him say my name… I closed my eyes. I didn't want to face anything. I wanted everything wrong to just fade into the backdrop.
"I know you're awake." He confessed.
"I'm listening…" I murmured in a weary tone, pretending to be tired.
"Five-hundred-and-twenty-eight" He breathed in a steady whisper.
"Huh?" Explained my confusion quite well…
"Days wasted, spent destroying myself; without you. I'd be a fool to believe I could take back five-hundred-and-twenty-eight days in a matter of months." His tone remained quietly steady; even in an empty house. I turned over to face him, devoid of what to say…
I raised my hands to find his face in the dark, cupping the rough cheeks that boasted a few days of beard growth.
"I stopped counting." I responded, my tone a whisper below Edwards.
"I thought you'd never forgive me."
"You blackmailed me." I reminded him.
"Maybe; suppose I did."
"I only left room for two options, blackmail or groveling. And of course you'd have to choose.."
"I groveled some too!" Edward cut me off…
"After you blackmailed me!" I laughed.
"It's not really my strong point." His jaw quaked with laughter; the stubble along his jaw tickled against my fingers.
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Have a heart that never hardens,
A temper that never tires,
-And a touch that never hurts.
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"You have plenty of others to make up for it." I tried to keep the focus on Edward. Avoidance suited me well, really it did. All of my plans in life were based around avoiding one thing or another. Hell, I couldn't wait to get out of Forks. Maybe it wouldn't be Chicago; but somewhere… Anywhere, but here. Being alone with Edward made me feel safe and secure; outside interference tended to fuck up my happy space.
"Yeah - well, my mom finding my stash just set me back to the starting line. I'm sure Charlie is having a coronary." Edward knew Charlie just as well as I did; he didn't ever forgive easy.
"He seemed concerned, I'm pretty sure he cares." I answered thoughtfully, knowing it would take some work to convince Charlie. Currently, I sucked at convincing anyone of anything.
"About you, and my mother… He's a cop." Edward scoffed, laughing softly.
"And you. Unless we all sever ties; it's kind of like a package deal. We can't escape one another." I admitted, truthfully.
"Does that bother you?" Edward retorted quickly.
"I try not to think about it, but… Yes, it could bother me."
"What could bother you?" Edward asked. I couldn't see his face, but the way his legs shifted to meet mine, told me he was curious.
"The hardest thing in life, is watching someone you love; love someone else." I responded; thoughtful. Knowing, I couldn't ever bear to see him with someone else. The assumptions of him with Tanya; gave me enough living hell…
"Touché." Edward noted, his tone holding a hint of surprise.
"Why did you keep your stash?" I asked. He appeared lost; perhaps still thoughtful over my mushy and too honest reply. I couldn't lie to myself - on some level it was more than just nothing. He took my prescribed drugs away, but kept his own in case of emergency illegal stash… The hypocrisy…
"Do you want me to lie, or do you want the truth?" His answer, wasn't quite what I expected.
"The truth, always." I insisted. Unsure of what I had just set myself up for; was it really that bad? Edward propped himself up on his elbow, sending his frame hovering over mine.
"Without you; I'm just empty space. I really don't give a damn about anything. Opium has always been the drug that speaks to me; in your voice. It echoes, I want you to… Over and over. It doesn't give a damn whether it's wrong or right; it just is." Edward's breathing grew sharp, heavy…
"Your other Bella…" I stammered, thoughtlessly as his statements repeated in my thoughts.
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If it's love…
And we're two birds of a feather
The rest is just whenever.
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"Imaginary Edward?" He interrupted.
"Entirely made up, I suck at blackmail." I admitted, nodding quietly in the dark.
"Do you ever think about using again?" I asked, serious.
"Sometimes… When life starts sucking ass. When I think I'm close to losing you." He spoke in a soft whisper. First light started creeping through the window; giving his eyes life from the shadows. He looked exhausted.
"I never thought this would last." Edward interrupted before I could reply and his words caught me so completely off-guard that I'd lost all train of thought…
"What do you mean?" I asked, first instinct to be overly suspicious.
"We were friends, forever… If you didn't want me then, why would you want me now? If anything, things are more messed up now. I thought eventually you'd see that, considering I'm not very good at deception either." And the laughter that ensued was exhilarating…
"I didn't want anyone then." I admitted, truthful.
"Nobody? No crushes?" Edward scoffed in disbelief, taunting me.
"No, not even you." That's what sent his hands racing down my sides in a furious tickle torture attempt. I could barely breathe - not funny. Quickly he crawled over me as I tried to make an escape, he was just getting started…
"Not even me?" He quipped with laughter. My shirt rode up with each twist and turn, as I tried to escape to the edge of the bed. Except the bed was so big, I thought I'd never reach the side to free myself. And once his fingers were prodding against my bare skin; to tickle along my ribs… It was paralyzing, the intensity tripled.
"Stop, please…stop!" I huffed…squealed…pleaded…and laughed, beyond control.
"Fine! Once, maybe twice…" I cried with laughter, it was starting to hurt. Edward pulled back to sit on his heels, kneeling over me.
"What?" I asked, after catching my breath. He looked expectant. I don't know if it was because of the glimpse of bare skin I was revealing… or if he was giving me just enough time to catch my breath. Paranoid; I quickly pulled my shirt down to protect myself and started inching toward the side of the bed… Ready to leap.
"I want to hear about this…once or twice…" His expression read entirely amused. He loved to embarrass me. I knew what he expected, he wanted me to rattle off something that would send my face ten shades of red. He'd prod and get me laughing until I couldn't breathe or was angry enough to smack him. Which he'd also find equally amusing… It was a win-win for Edward.
"Remember when I was mad at Alice? We were um…about nine, maybe?" I tried to elaborate, I'd been upset with Alice more times than I can count through our long history. Most of them petty bullshit. Edward smirked and I'd almost laughed. Yeah, it wasn't the dirt he wanted…
"I asked you to push her in the mud, so she wouldn't be mad at me anymore…" I reminded him.
"Ah, the purple party dress." Edward noted thoughtfully and I couldn't help but laugh. Even then Alice had a name for almost every outfit.
"Do you remember what you said?" I asked, amazed that he remembered what she was wearing. I didn't…
"Yes. Boys shouldn't push girls…and it wouldn't be nice." He replied - suddenly shy, trying not to turn seven shades of red himself. Even back then; he wasn't concerned about getting in trouble or expressing worry over making Alice mad at him… He was my best friend. He'd do anything for me, except push a girl.
"No, it wouldn't have been. So two minutes later when Alice became my friend again…" I laughed…it was so sad, but true. We were ridiculous. "I thought that meant you couldn't ever be mean to me. So I was going to tell everyone you were my boyfriend." I admitted, it was silly.
"What if I didn't want to be your boyfriend?" Edward teased.
"You were my best friend so of course you would have said yes. Least that's what I thought." I laughed.
"You never called me your boyfriend then." Edward corrected me.
"No, I told my mom first. She said you were a friend and a boy, so you were already my boyfriend."
"And?" Edward's expression furrowed at my anti-climatic story.
"I was nine…. I believed her. If you were already my boyfriend, it would be kind of silly to run around telling everyone. They already knew you were my boyfriend."
"That's all you've got?" He prodded at my side with long nimble fingers, threatening to tickle me again.
"We were always together, everyday. I had you, I didn't want or need a boyfriend."
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I don't wish to be everything to everyone;
But I would like to be something to someone.
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"And when you didn't have me, you turned to Jacob." Edward retreated, leaning back to sit and prop himself up against the headboard.
"It was either get out of the house or be admitted. I chose out-patient-therapy." I noted, dully.
"There has never been a day that goes by without you in it; that I don't think of you or miss you. Jacob never filled that void; he was just a temporary distraction." I snuggled up to Edward, resting my head in his lap…
"I love you. Promise me, no matter what…You'll always at least be a friend." Edward spoke quietly, in a raspy whisper.
"Yeah, sure… I love you too…" His no matter what comment threw me over the edge, wondering - always fucking wondering what he meant. A part of me felt like I'd lied. While right now in all reality being his friend would seem better than nothing…
I wanted to tell him; I might have lied. I can't promise I'll always forgive you. Kill someone and you've got a pen pal for life… But, leave me to date someone like Tanya, and you can go fuck yourself!
We sat in silence… With Edward stroking my hair softly as the sun rose.
Knock, Knock, Knock…
Ding-dong…
Knock, Knock, Knock…
Knock…
Startled, I sat up. Waking in a panic to an empty bed; my eyes quickly searched for Edward and came up equally empty… The loud sound of knocking continued; barreling up onto the second floor. I remained frozen, on edge. Wondering what the hell to make of it.
I heard muffled talking - laughter, and then clearly… Edwards voice; reminding the guest… Shh… Bella's sleeping. Footsteps rounded the stairs; they were getting closer.
"Bella stayed the night?" They replied; it was Jasper - maybe? I heard the door close at the far end of the hall and the muffled talking resumed.
Looking at the clock, it was after two in the afternoon… I couldn't remember the last time I slept so well, or had such a jolt upon waking. Quickly; I thought to dial Alice as it was too late to call last night. Crawling to the side of the bed, I swung my legs over the edge before reaching around the clock to grab the phone.
"Alice!" I was beyond thrilled to have caught her at home. I liked when things went smooth and easy; turning out the way I hoped. Don't we all?
"Bella…" Alice's tone told me Charlie had already called; and she was disappointed she wasn't in the loop.
"What did you tell my dad?" I asked, nearly wincing as I waited to hang onto Alice's every word.
"I told him you were in the shower. But that was almost four hours ago… Make sure you mention I forgot to tell you to call him back; because I don't know where you are! Where the hell are you?"
"I'll tell you later…" I might-have-sort-a lied. I knew I'd have to give her something, but I still wasn't sure I wanted to share that Edward was here. Her being my alibi; well that might make it a little difficult.
"My caller ID reads E. Masen, with an out of state area code..."
"What?" I asked, baffled.
"I know you're with Edward, but where the hell are you?" Alice persisted.
"I really don't have time right now. I promise, I'll call you tonight; okay?" I pleaded. Alice was my life-line. I needed her to cover for me.
"You better…" I sat on the edge of the bed. Confused as all fuck… I never even thought of caller ID. We never had it at our house…
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I was nauseous and tingly all over.
I was either in love or I had smallpox.
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"Edward…" I called… As I slowly made my way toward the muffled voices talking.
"We're in here…" Edward shouted, warning me there was a visitor? I already knew someone was over - but who?
Edward opened the door, before I could reach to open it. He loosely threw his arm around my waist, reeling me in toward his mouth. Quickly, I placed my hand over his mouth…
"Morning breath…" I apologized, removing my hand.. Mine, not his… I didn't really try to smell his…
"Oh…" He apologized, shaking his head - before he'd settled on kissing me on the cheek. Seconds later he was pushing me into my old bedroom. Jasper was flexing his hands over Edward's keyboard; apparently my old bedroom made a nice office. Aside from the change in furniture - he hadn't really done anything with the room. The hideously faded stars were still clinging to the ceiling for life…
"Afternoon Bella…" Jasper looked up with a smile and a wave of eyebrows; before he continued to furiously pound away on the keyboard.
"Um… Alice said…" I waved my arm behind me…like an idiot, trying to explain - and poorly. "That this house number comes up on the caller ID with a different area code?" I folded my arms across my chest, to refrain from doing anymore idiotic gestures. In unison, it seemed to draw their attention there… Quickly, I dropped my hands to my sides…
"And…?" I asked as they both stared me down clueless…
"Oh…" Jasper replied, ah-ha…maybe?
"Yeah…" Jasper nodded, before furiously pounding on the keyboard again. I stared Edward down, was anyone going to tell me?
"Jasper is connecting my voicemail to my e-mail. We're hijacking a Chicago pay phone." Edward nodded, pursing his lips together. Not really knowing what that meant, I blinked a few times…
"I'm going to go take a shower…" I nodded, turning to head back out.
"What? Why?" Edward looked entirely confused, more so than I…
"Shower." Jasper elbowed Edward in the side, when their eyes met; I could practically see the perversion floating above their heads in tiny little thought bubbles. Edward caught on to Jaspers train of thought…
"Uh, I'll be with you in a minute…" Edward mumbled.
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In love there are two things - bodies and words.
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As I lathered myself up, I wondered if Edward was playing up the relationship for Jasper too. It took me a long while to admit to the girls that Edward and I weren't together - like that. There were so many times I thought we might; and that false hope kept my expectations high.
As the warm soapy water flowed down the curvature of my abdomen and thighs, memory; it brought me back to the hood of Edward's car. He was so warm in the cold night. I could remember every detail vividly, like it were yesterday; but it felt like it were a million years ago since we'd been that close.
Our bodies synchronized like a well oiled machine; the fire that sparked between us…
"I'm sorry. What I mean is, of course you can shower here." Edward burst in rambling quickly. I cleared the fog from the glass of the shower door to spot him at the sink adding toothpaste to his toothbrush.
"Gee…Thanks." I retorted, with a laugh.
Frequently; I'd caught him eyeing me in the mirror each time he looked up from the sink.
I got a little soap in my eye and stumbled briefly…
"Bella…"
"I'm fine…" I called out, laughing with embarrassment. Once I cleared the soap from my eye, I noticed I had made him uncomfortable. And realized that stumble cleared away a small section of fog, that might have given him a glimpse of boob.
While that first extra smear in the fog on the glass was purely accidental. I then traced a heart around it. Yeah he might be able to see a little boob-age, it was a small opening…and it was hard to tell what he could be seeing at any given angle.
That little bit of mystery made me more comfortable about it. I had never just completely thrown myself at Edward naked. I wasn't sure If I was comfortable enough in my own skin to do just that - hell; it might work… And while it hasn't happened yet, eventually we'll be completely naked at some point, right?
"You love it." I taunted… No longer washing; just waiting under the steady stream of water to keep warm. I couldn't bring myself to step out with him standing there. He seemed to be going through a typical morning ritual.
"You're going to make me cut myself." He warned, now shaving… I couldn't really make him do anything. I've been ready to burn the v-card… weeks - months ago.
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To fear love is to fear life;
And those who fear life are already three parts dead.
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I walk in at around four, Elizabeth is doing dinner prep and persuades me to get involved. I end up peeling and slicing potatoes, and making small talk about two movies I haven't yet seen.
"Did I miss Edward's call?" I mention his name to feel her out and let them know that I haven't forgotten. I still had to keep up the charade on my end. Realistically; I knew there wasn't enough lies in the world to be able to spend every night with Edward. It wasn't hard to miss him, I'd rather be with him than here…
Dinner; Charlie comes home from work and again I talk about the two movies I haven't really seen. They put the best scenes in the trailers anyway - so I think I'm doing a fair job of interpreting the winding tale.
Charlie mentions going to bingo, and Elizabeth sheepishly admits Edward hasn't called yet. Charlie exhaled a little loudly, before offering a gentle nod… Edward was still pissing in his cheerios, all the way from Chicago.
After dinner, I sat by my bedroom window hoping to get a glimpse of Edward. After an hour I'd grown irritated with myself; for not getting any other means of communication.
When the phone rings, I pray that it's Edward. I step out of my bedroom to lean over the railing to eavesdrop… I listen to Elizabeth coo like she's speaking to a toddler; it's definitely Edward…
I hang over the railing, listening to the non-sense - banter. She doesn't even bring up his found stash, instead she's asking him a hundred and one questions to trick him into slipping up and telling the truth. I imagined Edward was on the other line repeatedly telling her he was fine.
Finally; after twenty minutes or so - Elizabeth calls me down… And hands me the phone. Suppose helping her with dinner paid off…
"I miss you…" Edward whines into the phone.
"I've missed you too." I admit, probably wearing one of the goofiest smiles ever.
"Having a house to one-self is a huge bore; who knew…" Edward laughed…
"Yeah, I was just sitting up in my room - just waiting for you to call." I hinted, there was little privacy while sharing space with both parental units. Eventually they started bickering on whether it was too late to attend bingo or not…
"You can go, I'll be good…" I responded when they started looking at me like the third wheel they'd have to entertain… By all means; don't let me guilt you into staying in.
"What's going on over there?" Edward slurred into the receiver. It took all of two seconds to convince them… They grabbed light jackets - "Night Bella, Edward…" Elizabeth spoke in an exaggerated tone and then they offered gentle waves before stumbling out of the house.
"I got rid of them…" And oddly enough, it was easier than I anticipated.
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~End Chapter 21 - Tortured Reflection
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