Hi! First thing I wanted to say is that I can't wait for GG's 100th episode on Monday. I hope it won't disappoint or I'll be mad. Lol. I expect some CB angst. Second thing I wanted to say is thank you for all of your support last time. I needed some of it. Now I feel better and with some strength to continue the story (hate when I have little inspiration, ugh). I have something planned in mind for Valentine's Day since that is when this fanfic first started.
….
Chuck found Carter sitting on the chair in front of Serena's room.
He was looking at the floor and seemed rather startled. He didn't want to go to him and scream at him. He just needed to know if something had happened for Serena to be there, and that he could not ask in front of Lily.
When he heard Chuck's steps on the cold and rough floor, he looked up. He could see how much he was devastated and that surprised him. He had never seen him that way.
He sat on the chair next to him and cleared his voice before talking.
"The doctor said she is fine but resting now" he informed Carter.
He nodded silently but didn't add anything.
Chuck turned to his side to check on Lexie. He had avoided to give her back to Blair because he knew how much broken she could be now. Her best friend had just had a miscarriage and probably risked her life. She needed a moment.
"Is it..." he murmured, but Carter looked unable to continue.
He understood what he meant. "He said there was nothing left to do. Serena lost blood."
He found hard to say those words. Deep inside, they hurt him too. He had been in the same position few years before and it had been terrible. It took Blair months to get over it. You can't simply forget the life that was growing inside of you, with a blink of an eye.
Carter sighed with reassignment and put a hand on his forehead. He could hear him struggle with rage or sadness. That really amazed him because he would never think a guy like Carter Baizen would feel anything for anyone.
The baby moved a bit in his arms and he realized she was about to wake up.
As expected, she started to cry and she surely wasn't keeping her voice low. Chuck rolled his eyes and looked for her pacifier, fixed it in her mouth and waited for her to calm down again.
Lexie looked at him with her wide brown eyes while he was checking on her. He brushed her cheek with the back of his hand and instinctively smiled at her.
When she finally closed her eyes, he turned on Carter again.
Carter was staring at them and he looked curious. His dark face downed a bit and he managed to make a weak smile.
"This is the first time I see your daughter, Bass." He said. "She looks so beautiful."
Chuck smiled. "Thank you" he simply answered.
He took a look at his daughter to see that she had fallen asleep. Carter didn't say a word for the following minutes and he avoided to talk to not awake the baby. Their silence was broken when Blair informed them that Serena had woken up and they could see her.
Lily got in first, then left the room after half a hour. Chuck noticed her eyes were tired and that she was trying to keep them open against her will. He asked her if he wanted her to be accompanied home where she could rest and change, but his stepmother offered to remain there sitting with him and Carter until Blair would get out of the room.
…
When Blair closed the door behind her, Serena made a weak smile. Blair couldn't help but manage a soft grin too. She felt as if her best friend was trying to be brave.
She moved slowly towards the bed and sat down on the chair next to the nightstand.
Serena smiled again, this time more warmly. Blair thought she wasn't aware of what had happened nor she was trying to not think about it.
Blair took her hand before talking.
"You really scared us tonight. But you're still here."
Serena nodded and answered her with a weak voice. "I won't leave you, B."
She didn't know what words say. Her blonde friend was lying in a bed and looked quite wore out. It could seem a normal Saturday night of old times, if they weren't at an hospital.
Blair really wanted to say something more, but the words failed her. She was too shaken.
She had glossy eyes after a while, when Serena wasn't looking. She didn't want her to see her crying but she couldn't stop the tears for long. That place had brought back some memories from few months earlier and that, added to the fear of losing her best friend, made her feel uneasy. She wished the day would end soon.
Serena kept her eyes closed. She barely sighed. Blair could sense that she just wanted to rest, so she just stood up and tried not to make a lot of noises.
Her friend turned when she did it. "B, you should go home" she said after few minutes of silence.
Blair couldn't help but force the smiles. She wasn't sure why but she felt uncomfortable in that room. Maybe it was the cold of the night, or maybe what had just happened to her best friend that startled her. She felt utterly tired and fatigued. She looked at the clock on the wall and she noticed how late it was. She didn't want to leave her best friend.
She turned abruptly towards her, she was still sitting on her chair. "Are you sure?"
Serena heaved a sigh. "I need to rest and my mother will be here for the rest of the night."
She wasn't sure of leaving her, but she needed few moments. She felt as if she was abandoning her. She hated to feel that way.
Seeing her unsure, Serena tried to smile. "Go home, B. I'm okay."
"I will visit you tomorrow... okay?"
Serena nodded. "I will wait."
She gave her friend one last smile and hugged her before getting out of the door. She thought she would find Chuck and Carter waiting outside, but they weren't there anymore. She started walking on the way to the waiting room, but only spotted Chuck on a small couch.
He and the baby could be the perfect distraction from her now worried mood. She found Chuck sitting on the end of the couch with the baby next to him. He had adjusted her in the carrycot and was securely putting an arm on it as if he was hugging the baby and not the port-enfant.
She couldn't spot Lily soon until she approached her from behind.
"Are you finished with Serena? Can I get back in there?"
"Serena is waiting for you" Blair told her with a low voice. "Just... don't ask her too much questions for tonight. I know she's gonna confide with you sooner or later."
Lily sighed. "I will try not to. She has kept me this information hidden for weeks."
Blair put an arm on Lily's. "I know. But give her time. She just lost a baby."
"I'll see you tomorrow, Blair. Say goodbye to Charles and the baby for me." She said before walking away with a weak smile.
She hoped her mother in law would understand. It was true that Serena had kept the truth from her mother, but it was also true that Serena was scared to confide. She could understand her. She felt her body changing all of a sudden and wasn't sure she liked it. Maybe Serena still didn't want to grow up and make a choice. She still wanted to be free.
She went straight to the couch to go and wake Chuck up.
She touched the arm he was keeping on the carrycot and brushed her hand on his. She got an immediate response when he moved the hand and secure it on the accessory. He took few seconds to open his eyes and lazily look at his wife.
"You are better than an alarm" she murmured.
He rubbed his eyes. "What do you mean with that? I'm getting old."
"For Lexie. I tried to tease you but you kept your hold firm on her so that no one could have kidnapped her. That is so romantic, daddy Bass."
"I was just trying to do my job" he yawned in response.
She helped him up and took her bag from the couch. "Still sweet and caring" she raised an eyebrow and smiled before walking away with him and Lexie.
….
Next morning was uneventful.
Blair really wanted to go visit Serena at the hospital but by her surprise, her best friend had already been discharged. She felt relieved knowing that Serena was already feeling better and could actually go back home.
She had texted Blair in the morning to inform her not to come to Lenox Hill. She also said that she would see her soon, but she wasn't sure how soon.
Serena had been MIA before the pregnancy news. Blair wondered if it was because her friend was also afraid of her opinion about it. The issue wasn't Blair's best friend. She didn't know how she accepted becoming a mother without being married first. She had struggled with the idea of her body changing and her needs changing. She had to start taking care of another little person and couldn't not do it. After a long time fighting with the difficult changes, she accepted her life for what it was turning to be.
She was trying to pass her morning time by reading a gossip magazine. Alexandra was in her stroller, sleeping. Blair had decided to take her downstairs in the living room with her so that if she would wake up, she would be able to check on her soon.
Apparently the magazines she was reading were sure they weren't on good terms. There was a picture of her and Chuck at the New Year's Eve party held at the Palace and she was smiling at him, while his hand was placed on her hip. The picture was actually taken from the Gossip Girl website and probably snapped by a party goer who didn't know what to do.
Hot-blooded New Year's, titled the column dedicated to the Bass family.
Blair rolled her eyes when she read the stupid things it said. No one could keep their mouth shut when it came to them. "They don't know what to invent anymore" she complained while Dorota was passing the Hoover in the room.
"Another fake gossip, Miss Blair?"
She sighed. "Sadly. They think Chuck and I are hitting a rough patch because we aren't going out much together. I mean, that's silly! We do go out together. Just less. Our marriage isn't at risk. We love our baby and we love each other."
Dorota came closer and spied the magazine Blair was reading. She put it away when she saw her maid reading.
"That is very good picture of you and Mr Chuck" she commented.
"Dorota? This room needs cleaning!" she ordered when she saw her maid stopped working and was clearly amused to stare at the kinky picture on the magazine.
Dorota hurried up and kept using the Hoover, while Blair continued sighing at the fake news.
She was interrupted a while later when she heard steps behind her. She instinctively turned thinking it was Chuck, but it was Serena. She opened her mouth in surprise when her best friend stepped in. She was dressed very casual, a pair of jeans and a sweater. She also had no make-up and was carrying a large bag.
Blair tilted her head on the side. "Serena... what -"
"B, I need a favor" the blonde cut fast and walked to Blair. "I promise I won't ask you anything after this."
Serena sat down and Blair noticed her eyes were teary. She started to caress her friend's arm trying to calm her down. "What's wrong?"
She looked down and inhaled deeply. "I need a place to stay for a few days. I... fought with my mom and I don't want to come back in my house" she explained with a resigned voice.
"You can remain here all the time you want" Blair tried to comfort her. "I'll have Dorota prepare the guest room."
The girl smiled. "Thank you, B. I'll thank you someday for this."
Blair grinned at Serena and the two of them hugged. She went to ask Dorota to prepare the room on the same floor where her room was. When she came back, Serena looked lost. She was still and staring at something imperceptible on the wall in front of the couch.
When she reached her back on there, she started talking about something random. She didn't want Serena to re-experience the events of her miscarriage and apparent fight with Lily, so she thought it was better to gossip about something, like old times.
Serena seemed calm but numb. She still look tired and in Blair's opinion she should have rested, but she didn't dare to tell her. She thought that if Serena had to say more about how she was feeling, she would do it spontaneously. Or at least she hoped so.
She didn't want to be left out from her best friend's life again and hoped this wouldn't happen. The fact that Serena was there helped Blair to be closer to warm her.
They spent the hours till dinner time watching TV-shows and discussing them. Serena started cheering up a bit when Blair complained about the magazines and Gossip Girl. According to her, she was funny to watch when angry about some stupid things that website used to write about her family and her supposed break ups with Chuck.
Blair hoped her company would help Serena feel good.
The duo was having fun watching the fail red carpet looks when Chuck came back home. He was surprised to find Serena there at that time but decided not to say anything about it.
"Hi, ladies."
Serena rolled her eyes. "It was so good to be true. I hoped you would never come back."
Chuck went to kiss Blair's lips briefly before answering her. "You are so kind, sis. I, on the other hand I'm happy to have you here."
"Good. Because I'm going to stay for a few days" Serena replied.
His face was a mix of emotions. "I'm fine with it" he agreed.
Few minutes later, they started eating dinner.
"So Serena... how are you? I thought you would remain longer at the hospital" Chuck said.
Blair made a disapproval face and was about to pinch his arm if he wasn't that far from her seat. She thought he was not being delicate asking Serena this. It was too early.
Serena looked down and sipped her glass of water. "I'm good."
"What about Carter? Have you heard from him?" he tried to seem casual.
Blair glared at him but he avoided her angry faces.
Serena raised both eyebrows and tried to answer honestly. "I don't know why do you want to know. Is he your new best friend, Chuck?"
"Exactly, S is right" Blair interjected. "Why don't we just finish our meals? You're ruining dinner with all this talking. And annoying Serena too, I'm sure."
The blonde grinned at her. "It's okay. I am done with food for tonight. I think I'll just go to bed. I'll see you in the morning."
Blair smiled too and waited until Serena left the table and the room to start talking to Chuck again. She glared at him another time, but he was too fixed on his dish to even care. She then growled and finally got his attention. He was kinda confused or pretended to be.
"Don't look at me with those fake innocent eyes. What got to your mind?"
"I just asked my stepsister a question. I don't think I did something wrong."
Blair made a face. "After all the things she's been through during the last few hours? You know I thought the time were you asked inappropriate questions was over long ago."
"Sorry to disappoint you. My curiosity took over" he said with annoyance. "Plus, I just wanted to ask an information. Is it normal to ask how someone is doing, don't you think?"
She sighed. "Yeah, why not. I'm going to see if Lexie fell asleep."
Blair left the room and Chuck finished his lunch before taking a decision. He was somehow interested to know the truth after Carter had disappeared the night before and Serena seemed so hurt. If he was being such a coward leaving his girlfriend when she needed him the most, he wanted to find him and take him back there.
He wasn't even sure of why he was doing that but he felt as if he needed to know more.
Surprisingly, Carter replied to his text and agreed to meet. It was about ten in the evening when the tall guy decided to show up at the bar of the Palace hotel.
"Why did you call me" he murmured while sitting on a chair.
Chuck asked the bartender to bring them two drinks, before answering him. "Serena is staying at my penthouse" he said looking elsewhere. "I thought you may want to know."
Carter giggled lightly. "Maybe I don't."
The bartender gave them the drinks and Chuck didn't hesitate to drink before Carter. The guy seemed to be cautious at first. Maybe he was lost in his thoughts.
He sipped his drink slowly.
"I thought you were a coward. You didn't delude my expectations."
The blue-eyed turned and glared at him. "You don't know anything, Bass. Anything."
"Maybe I don't, but I consider leaving my sister after what happened last night as being coward. Don't you agree?" he snapped sharply.
Carter sighed and looked at his drink. "Look, I don't know what Serena told you... but there is a reason why I am sitting here carelessly and I'm not being with her. I'm not being coward" he said bitterly "this is just my reaction to everything."
"Run away is not the solution" Chuck stated with a little voice.
"I know" the other agreed. "But right now I'm not the one running away. She is."
Chuck frowned and looked for an explanation. Carter met his eyes and felt his curiosity too. He was insure whether of not telling him what he knew. There had never run good blood between them, but he sensed that in that moment there may be an understatement.
"I bet she didn't confide the real reason why she ended up at the hospital" he reasoned. Chuck gave him a short shook of his head and Carter just smiled. "I imagined. I shouldn't had trusted her. I shouldn't had... fallen in love with her." He admitted. "She just ignored everything and took her decision."
"What was that?" Chuck asked.
Carter started to nod rethinking about everything. "You know, moments before Serena fainted, we were partying at my suite here. I offered her a drink but she didn't want to take it. I thought that wasn't a strange behavior since there are days where you don't feel like drinking anything alcoholic, but I felt she was feeling weird that night. We were carried away at some point. Serena was worried for something and didn't seem quite happy to be with me until she woke up from her reverie and started drinking one champagne after another that I couldn't keep the pace either. She fell on the bed after the fourth or fifth one and seemed unconscious. I tried to wake her up but she simply wouldn't."
"And that is why you ended up at Lenox Hill" Chuck supposed.
"Yeah" Carter agreed. "She woke up when we were in the limo. That's when I noticed the blood and freaked out. I thought she had cut herself or something like that. I couldn't think it was..."
Chuck sighed. "I know how it feels" he cut short taking back his memories to almost a year before when happened the same thing to Blair.
Carter bit his lip and ordered another strong drink before replying. "She didn't tell me she was pregnant. Comprehend? I found out that she was expecting right before she lost it."
He could well understand Carter now. "Don't you think maybe this is the moment she needs more help? She is surely scared."
"She had her occasion and she lost it. I'm not a lie-guy anymore, Bass." He said coldly.
….
Blair lied in bed wide awake when Chuck came back home.
"Where have you been? You didn't tell me you were going out" she wanted to know.
Chuck sighed heavily and started getting undressed. "I'm sorry, I forgot had to check on something before bed."
She had her arms crossed on her chest and an eloquent expression on her face. "Really?"
"Are you jealous now?" he teased.
"Chuck."
He rolled his eyes and hesitated. "I went to see Carter Baizen" he confessed.
"I was right saying you were out of your mind."
He shrugged. "At least I've got my explanation now" he said while looking for his pajama. He didn't wait to continue, he knew Blair wanted to know too. "He told me Serena didn't tell him anything up until they were headed to the hospital."
She frowned. "Should I believe you? This doesn't sound like Carter at all."
"I was pretty surprised myself. Have you talked to Serena?"
Blair snorted. "It's too early for that. She's still shocked by what happened."
He didn't look like he agreed. "The best thing when you have a problem, is face it. She lost a baby, okay. What we want to do now is be by her side, don't we? But she also has to allow us or we can't help her through this."
"You don't help people just by making them talk about their problems. You try to distract them."
He shrugged again before reaching the bed and crawling under the covers. "See it as you want, Blair. But the sooner she opens up with someone about what happened, the sooner she'll find peace."
Blair started thinking about it. "You look like a philosopher... you gave me an idea" she said as she jumped off bed. "If you're really right, let's see it. If she needs to talk, we'll talk."
She smiled one last time and decided to go to the guest room Serena was staying in. She found her awake as she expected. The blonde turned fast when she broke in the room, and wondered what did it make her came there so late at night.
Blair sat down on the bed next to her and grinned.
"B, what happened? Is Chuck still out?" she wondered.
Blair kept smiling. "Tell me the truth, S. How are you feeling?"
Serena looked down and avoided her friend's glances.
"You know you can tell me. I'm still your best friend. I won't judge you."
The blonde inhaled deeply and tried to talk. "I may have lied to you, Blair" she started to say. "I... didn't come here just because I fought with my mom. I was also running from someone else."
"Carter?" Blair tried to test, but Serena shook her head.
"Me." She said with liberation. "I was so inconsiderate... I drank too much... I lost my mind too much. I think I also lost track of who I wanted to be in my life."
"You're not the only one. Don't forget you're never alone" Blair reminded her.
Serena nodded. "This doesn't change things. I purposely got drunk last night" she said as she tried not to cry. "I couldn't make the right decision. I lied to my mom, I lied to Carter. I couldn't look at my face in the mirror anymore. I was just a girl with no direction in life who wasn't sure she wanted to become a mother."
"You're here now. You survived that" she caressed her arm and tried to calm her down while she was crying. "And I'm here with you. Everyone wants to be here with you."
She nodded. "I know... is better I'm the only one who survived after all. Truth is... I didn't want the baby. I didn't want it at all." She admitted.
Blair seemed surprised and couldn't answer her friend.
Serena looked down. "Much has changed since that day" she sighed. "I wanted this baby at first. I really did. Truth is that after a while me and Carter started to argue more often because I didn't want to tell Lily and Rufus about it."
"So he wanted to help you with this" she realized and kept caressing her friend's arm.
She motioned a yes. "He was actually very caring. He kept asking me how I was feeling and tried to make me feel good. But I realized that I didn't want to become a mother now. I didn't want a baby at this age. I just wanted to get back to what I used to be. I just didn't want to grow up. I felt I didn't want to take that road."
"Why didn't you tell me?" Blair asked with wonder and suddenly took her hand.
Her friend bit her lip and her voice quivered while she talked. "Because I didn't think you could help me, Blair. I knew you would tell me to keep the baby and go on with this mess, but it wasn't what I wanted." She sobbed.
"Oh, S" she tightened the grip on her friends' hand. "If this is what you wanted then it's okay. I just hope that next time you are going to talk to me. I'm always here for you. It doesn't matter I have a family now. You are my family too."
"I promise" Serena said with a quiet tone.
"That's all I needed to hear" she smiled and finally hugged her best friend.
….
Blair felt lighter when she got back to her bedroom. "You're awake, thank God."
Chuck was playing with the baby. Apparently the sleep she had got so far that day hadn't been enough. "What was the difference if I were asleep?"
She shrugged. "Do you mind if I sleep with Serena tonight?" she asked sheepishly.
"Are you publicly asking my permission to betray me?" he teased her.
Blair started playing with the hem of her nightgown when she sat down on the bed next to him. She wasn't at ease talking about Serena's decision. She wasn't happy about it at all. "She told me she didn't want that baby. She said... she was relieved it ended." She said with what it looked like disappointment. "I just want to make her feel I'm here for her, that's all."
He looked skeptical. "Is this making you sad?"
"More than sad it's making me think."
"Think about what?" He wondered.
She looked down abruptly and pretended to check her feet on the warm duvet. "Do you remember when it happened to me?."
"I can't forget."
Blair watched her feet and moved the silk of her slip in her hands. She couldn't look elsewhere. She felt as if she would look at him and the baby or wandered around the room, she would lost the focus off her memories. She wasn't sure why she was torturing herself with the images. She didn't want to relive those painful moments in her head, but she was too masochist to stop the thoughts from appearing.
She remembered the moment when she started to feel dizzy. Her body was shaking and she started losing blood. It was the second month of her pregnancy and she feared that she would lose her first baby, the baby she wasn't expecting that early.
She imagined how things would change from there, if they would have lost their child.
She felt she would get pregnant again sooner or later. He would try anything to be there for her and help her through everything and try to move on and don't get depressed over it. They would still have much time to try and to become parents. She was so relieved every time she realized that she was just having a vivid deja-vu.
She felt his hand touching hers and she automatically shifted her body to where he was. She felt tears coming as soon as he placed their hands on the back of the baby that meanwhile was falling asleep. She looked like a little angel.
"What do you say we put her in her crib?"
Blair smiled and got a hold of her daughter. She kissed her head and went to place her under the warm covers of her tiny bed before wiping away her tears. She realized that Alexandra was one of the best things happened in her life.
She would never regret getting pregnant with Chuck and having her.
She reached the bed and she and Chuck exchanged one last kiss. She wished him goodnight and decided to go to the bathroom before getting back to Serena and sleep together like they used to do the old times.
She was feeling stomach cramps that night. She went to the bathroom to check if that was the sign of her period coming. She knew that it would come back sooner or later. She had read that women who breastfeed daily for a lot of months usually didn't get their periods soon because of the protection that gave them the lactational amenorrhea method. Basically, it worked as a contraception but it wasn't given that it would effectively work.
She hadn't breastfeed for while when she had fever around October. The baby was also having baby formula for lunch and dinner, she was now only giving Lexie her milk in the afternoon. She was starting to feel annoyed and sad more often and she felt tired.
She felt as if she had to go to her gyno soon for confirmation. What if she was pregnant again?
…
Well... how was it? I am not really really proud of this, but I think it's more of a filler chapter. Next time will be better, I promise. Not sure if I'll post it before or on Valentine's Day, but I tell you in advance that the chapter will be set on Vday.
Hope to hear from you soon, comments are always welcome. :)