Chapter 21: My childhood friend can't be this warm.
It's been a while. They say time can heal all wounds, that may be true, but it will always leave a scar and like time itself, a scar is eternal, and you will have to carry it into the grave. Are you happy living with a scar? After a while, the scar becomes insignificant, and you continue to live your life, completely forget about its existence and nobody around you will ever be bothered by its sight. Everything seems alright. But occasionally, you take a look at the mirror trying to get ready for a new day, and you notice that the scar is still there, unchanged even after ten years…
I suggest adding a second phrase to the proverb. "Time can heal all wounds, but it will leave a scar forever," coined by Hikigaya Hachiman.
I guess I'm getting better now. I have managed to sleep a bit more often, but there were still nights that left me wide awake. I kept telling myself that it would be over, as I already went through a situation very similar to this once. If anything, it will be just like last time.
"Beep.. beep.. Beep.. beep.."
Another long night for me. There's nothing I could do about it, my body wanted to sleep but my mind just didn't give in. I had nothing else to do other than killing time on my Vita-chan.
I grab my phone and turn the alarm off then throw it back on the bed. It's going to be a rough school day for me. To be honest, every day is rough at the moment, but today is especially rough since it's the sports festival day.
As you can see, my body is in no condition to be physically active.
...
Saturday. Morning. School.
It's getting hot already, and we just in the middle of spring. I wonder if this has anything to do with climate change? Regardless, I along with other students have to spend the day under the sun, and the heat is viciously slaying everything it touches. Not to mention that my event is near the end, so it's not like I can leave early. Just spending time watching other students busting their asses off is enough to get me tired. At this point, I'm just looking forward to finishing the event, winning or losing doesn't matter.
In case if you are wondering, I was assigned to take part in a tag race as a finisher.
...
It's time.
I jog to the starting line where I will finish the race, but just I am feeling a bit relieved, I turn to my right.
"Goodluck, Hikitani-kun," Hayama with his signature friendly smile.
Like an ironic twist of fate, the one opponent that I have to race against is him.
"Same back at ya," I say. Somehow, my voice is completely void of any emotion.
I'm just looking forward to finishing the race, god why wouldn't you heed my simple request?
On the sideline, I see the girls standing together, waving cheerfully.
"Best of luck! Hikki!" Yuigahama howls.
"Make sure to win! Hayato!" Miura calls.
Ah man, the wound is leaking again.
Start!
One after another, my classmates frantically rush to our destination. It looks like my team is actually doing better than Hayama's. This is good, maybe I can stand a chance to win this.
The second last runners are already in motion, and like a miracle, my team is leading while Hayama's is at third. My teammate is pulling closer and closer, his hand is already reaching out towards me!
I got it first!
I snap the baton out of my teammate and start sprinting. Almost instantly, I can feel my body screaming in agony. I bite my teeth and take it all in. It's alright, I'm in the lead.
But in the end, it is nothing but a hopeless dream. Hayama is approaching fast, getting closer and closer, and like the most natural thing to do, he passes me with little difficulty. Ah, I guess it is fruitless after all.
"Go! Hayato! Go!" Miura's excited voice echoes in my head.
"..."
In the end, it doesn't matter, it's just a stupid race.
But.
Am I going to lose again?
The last time when we raced together, I lost. I didn't really mind since it wasn't my objective.
Am I going to lose again?
Not just the race, I can't care less the about the race. It is something else that I lost to him.
Can't I even win, even just once?
It's a stupid race, it's almost insignificant, but I can't bear the feeling of losing to him again like this.
"Kch!"
I grind my teeth. Out of nowhere, my blood is boiling like mad. My body is breaking down, I know that, but my mind is overloading. Gather every few oxygen molecule left in my breath, I start speeding up. My legs are screaming, I don't care. My lungs feel like they are going to burst, I don't care. The finish line is the only thing in my mind right now. I keep running, faster, harder! The pain is excruciating, I hate it! I channel all of my hate to the figure in front of me, I want to tear his body and drink his blood. The more pain I feel, the more hate I gather, the harder I run. Keep running! My mortal body can no longer keep up with my spirit. Keep running! I reach even closer to him and the finish line. Keep running! We are neck and neck. Keep running…
My vision becomes blurry and I can feel dirt on my face. I know for a fact that my body has stopped moving. There nothing in my view except for the cruel sunlight. Voices echo in my ears, they all sounds so distant. Shadows form around my peripheral.
"Hikki!"
"Out of my way!"
A fiery voice rings through. Who is that? I feel that it is someone important. Oh god, everything is slowly turning dark, but in a split second before complete blackness, I catch a glimpse of something golden and a familiar poppy fragrance.
…
…
…
I open my eyes, only to find myself in a strange environment; white paint, and a frozen ceiling fan. My head is buzzing, prompting me to rub it a bit. I make a faint moan as I look around. White bed, this must be the infirmary. What happened? Ah, I fainted, and probably lost the race. Sunlight is weak and coats the room with an amber colour, it's already dusk. How long have I been sleeping? If someone tells me that I have been sleeping for seven days, I would probably believe them.
I stare back to the dull ceiling, feeling my own breathing in almost dead silent. I lost again, as if it was destined to be. I know that it would probably mean nothing, I know that it was just my sudden moment of rashness; but I can't shake this heavy feeling away.
My phone vibrates. I pull it out and take a look. There are three unread messages:
Komachi: [Onii-chan are u ok?! Message me immediately when you wake up!]
Isshiki: [So sorry Senpai! I wanted to visit u but they pushed all the student council works to me! I hope you get well soon!]
The final message, just looking at it makes my heart cringe.
Miyu: [Baka. What were u thinking?]
I've been thinking about a lot of things lately.
[About what?]
Miyu: [About the race. Why did u do that?]
Why did I do that? Why don't you ask that question yourself?
[I don't know]
Miyu: [Seriously?!]
[I guess I really wanted to win]
Miyu: [R u stupid? Its just a sports festival. U don't have to risk your life for that!]
What is my life anyway?
I put the phone down, no longer feel like talking, much less talking to her. But before long, I feel a buzz in my hand again.
Miyu: [Anyway, how r u feeling now?]
Hesitating for a while, I text her. [Still in a lot of pain]
[Good grief. I thought u r smart or something.]
[I was in the heat of the moment]
[Take your time to rest, ok? Don't rush things. Also, make sure to eat a lot too, ok? Don't skip out]
Suddenly, I hear a voice outside of the door, sounds like like Yuigahama.
"Yumiko? What are you doing here?"
"Eh! I'm just, waiting for you. I kinda.. figured that you might come here."
"What's up?"
"Nothing. Just want to walk home with you. Besides, what is she doing here?" her voice turns sharp.
"Is it not alright for me to visit one of my club members when he is sick?" a soothing voice turns up.
"Mah mah, let's not stand here fighting. Let's go inside."
I hear the door slide open and the sounds multiple footsteps rumbling about.
"Hikki," Yuigahama calls.
I keep silent.
The curtain blocking my view moves a little, reveals an eye peeking through before being pulled over all the way. In front of me are three figures, Yuigahama and Yukinoshita at the front, and Miura in the back, seemingly looking elsewhere.
"How are you feeling?" Yuigahama says.
"I'll survive."
"What's going on? You seemed really weak today. Did something happen?"
"I just, didn't sleep yesterday."
"Heeh?" Yuigahama mutter.
"Are you out of your mind?" Yukinoshita laments. "You realised that today is sports festival day, right?"
"I guess I lost track of time somehow."
Yukinoshita sighs.
"But everything is going to be ok, right?"
"I was just not having enough sleep. It's not like I'm catching a disease or anything. I will probably get out of here soon."
"Don't stress yourself, ok. Stay as long as you feel like," Yuigahama says.
"I get it."
"You should watch your diet, too," Yukinoshita says. "Make sure to eat more, especially grains, wheat, tuna, and yogurt. A good intake of water helps as well."
"I get it."
"Yui, hurry up," Miura calls. "Let's get going."
Yukinoshita turns to Miura. She speaks to her with an ice-cold tone:
"If you want to leave, feel free to leave by yourself."
"You-"
Her voice is cut off but her glare is firing straight at the brunette. Miura looks away, eyes full of discontent.
"It's ok!" Yuigahama awkwardly intervenes. "It's not like we have anything else to say."
She then turns to me: "If that's ok with you that is."
"It would be great."
"Mo, Hikki. You're such a buzzkill. Well then, hope you get well soon. See ya."
"Best of luck," Yukinoshita says.
They start moving. It might just be my imagination, but for a split second at her eye corners, I see those green irises. As she walks away, I can see her carrying a white plastic bag.
The door shuts again, and the room returns to complete silence. I sigh through my nose and stare back up to the bleak ceiling. I guess I will just have to get used to this again. The way she talks, the way she acts, everything is practically the same as just months ago. Why do I have this feeling? Even though I ask the question, I already know the answer. When a beggar stays a beggar, he will not feel anything. But when a beggar wins the lottery, but then bankrupts himself after three months and backs to be a beggar, he would probably feel a lot more pain and regret.
Suddenly I hear the sound of the door shutting again. I sluggishly turn my head, and cannot believe my eyes.
Her golden locks mesh with the warm light of dusk. She stands there with her back against the door, her sheepish eyes avoid my stare. Seeing that, I also look back up to the ceiling.
The sound of halting footsteps echoes in the room. Feet by feet, I feel her presence getting closer and closer.
"Baka," her scold is light compared to the usual.
"What do you want?" I utter.
"Just saying like how it is. Are you not?" she runs her fingers through her golden locks.
"I guess I am."
"Anyway. You were running really hard that time. If you hadn't fainted, you could have been in second place."
Still second place, huh? So all of my efforts were naught after all.
"I mean, actually it was pretty close, so who knows what could have happened."
"Is that so?"
"Besides, you didn't sleep but you tried your hardest. I didn't know that you have that kind of spirit in you."
"I just wanted to win."
"Why so?"
Her words catch me off guard. I look away, not saying a word. Not that I don't know the answer, I just don't want to answer it, I don't even want to form a mental answer inside my head.
"You knew you were racing against Hayato, right?"
I know.
"He was most likely going to win anyway…"
He was most likely going to win.
"… so you don't have to try that hard."
I don't have to try that hard.
"It doesn't really matter that much, since it's just a sport festival, you know."
It doesn't matter. Huh? Are we still talking about the race? My chest aches at every sentence you say, your warmth is like a drug that I can no longer have. I can't believe I'm saying this, but, I just want you to go away.
"Here," she puts the plastic bag on the bed stand. "It's chicken soup. Since you finally remember me, I thought that I should take more care of you now."
Please don't do that.
She frowns, "What? Not even a thank you or anything?"
"Ah," I snap, "sorry, and thank you."
She looks away, cheeks slightly blushed, "It's not a big deal or anything."
Please just stop. I no longer want to see that side of yours.
"Well, if you don't have anything else to say, I will be going now."
"See ya."
"Eat the soup," she says. "It's getting cold."
"I will."
"I mean, like right now," her voice is demanding.
"All right, I got it." It's scaring how much of a mother she can be.
I peel away the plastic bag to reveal a plastic container and a plastic spoon, pop the lid open and take a sip.
"How is it?"
"It's nice," I say.
"That's good to hear. Don't push yourself, ok? I will be going now."
"See ya."
"Bye bye," she makes a soft wave before heading to the door.
*Slam*
I take another sip.
The soup was barely warm.
…
Night. Hikigaya Residence.
I guess I should be spending more time in the living room, shutting myself in the room might not be the best way to forget things. But alas, even that little wish of mine is also smudged on, as if God himself just decide to put me on Hardcore Mode or something. Here I am trying to watch some television, there is me, and Komachi, and the single most troublesome person for me to see at the moment.
"I'm having a stay over with Komachi," Kotomi said.
"That's too much stay over," I said.
"Yah, it's just that I have more fights with Yumi-nee lately," that's what she said.
Great. Now she is pushing her sister onto me as well. What am I, some sort of babysitter? Whatever, just don't bother me and I will be fine.
But like I said before, Hardcore Mode.
"Ah, Komachi, do you also have photos Onii-chan and Yumi-nee when they were young?
"Yeah?" Komachi says.
"Can I see it?!"
"Ok, just a moment," Komachi then runs off.
All right, that's it! I'm going up to my room.
"Eeh? Onii-chan, where are you going?"
"To my room."
"Why?"
"Why don't you ask yourself that, Kotomi?" Without looking back at her, I walk straight up the stairs.
Slamming the door shut, I plummet into the bed. Seriously, what were she thinking? She clearly believes that I am in love with her sister, then why on Earth does she think that it's a good idea to look at pictures of the girl that broke my heart in pieces in front of me? Aren't you guys supposed to be more sensitive to that kind of thing?
"Uuuh…"
I moan and rub my forehead. Let it go let it go let it go let it go let it go. God, tell me, how much time do I have to serve for this? How much time before I can finally be free again?
Lying on the bed staring straight at the ceiling is the only thing I have been doing, trying to fill my mind with complete void and darkness, trying to forget, trying to rebuild the armour that has been broken by her. No, more like it was broken by me for her, but in the end, there was only me around, naked and exposed like a fool.
Suddenly the sound of repeating door knocks snaps me out of my consciousness. It must be them again.
"Onii-chan. Open the door. It's really important!"
If you're still going to cry wolf like that you know what will happen eventually, right? But regardless, I cannot take chances with those two. As I sluggishly open the door, I was slightly taken aback by their dead serious expressions.
"So I checked the photo album, and as I thought, you guys also have exactly the same photos that we have, except for one. For some reason, this is the photo that only you have."
Kotomi lifts up the photo album to my eyeshot, and my heart comes to a stop.
It's a photo of a young me and a girl who I know for sure is Miura. I recognise that place anywhere, it's the shrine we used to visit. On the windy hillside looking out to the sunset, we kissed.
I…
I walk past the girls and head straight to the washroom, open the valves and wash my face furiously with blistering cold water. I'm not dreaming, at least that is confirmed, but I'm just actually trying to calm the heat inside my body. My fingers slide slowly across my face and remain on my lips. I take a look at the mirror, and looking back at me is a pale high school boy with very prominent eye circles, on his face is an absolutely stupid half-ass smirk.
"Heh…"
I got it first!
"Heh heh…"
That's pathetic. I'm so pathetic. I know that it might not mean anything. It was nothing but a young, naive innocent kiss, a kiss that happened only because we were curious. I might not have been a real kiss. We might have a history together, but that was all it was, a history. But why can I not shake this smirk off my face?
I got it first. Miyu's first kiss… is mine!
"Onii-chan," A faint call catches my attention. My sisters have somehow invaded the washroom.
"I'm not asking you to get back with Yumi-nee or anything, but don't you find that it's very suspicious that of all of this time of staying just friends, Blondie-senpai would just ask her out like that?
The reason that Hayama didn't date Miyu in the first place was because he didn't want to tarnish the status quo, and he wanted someone to keeps other girls from him, at least, that was that I concluded. From the very start he didn't seem to show any romantic interest in Miyu, so why did he, no, more importantly, why now? What about Yukinoshita, where did he put her in this decision? Is everything I have speculated about them are actually wrong?
"It's not a get back with Yumi-nee request, but my request is that I want you to get to the bottom of this, please Onii-chan."
"I…"
I stare at the sterile wall inside the washroom, trying to find a word to say. Both of my sisters are still standing there, eagerly waiting.
"I need to go to sleep."
"Onii-chan!"
Feeling slightly guilty at their disheartened cries, but I can't do it. I need time to be alone.
Closing the door, I throw myself on the bed again. In my vision is pitch darkness, around me is just calm silent. I take a big breath, and slowly sigh out of my nose.
What is this? What are you trying to do, God? You gave me what seemed to be like tiny hopes, only to took it away and leave me broken, not once, but twice. Now, I was presented with another slimmer of hope, and even though I told myself that I won't be fooled again, now with it staring at me, I continue to find myself hesitating.
It was not once, but twice. Either god was a dirty, heartless prankster; or it was me who failed to seize the chance.
"..."
Was it… my fault?
No.
It was my fault, but not because I failed to seize the chance. There was no hope in the first place. My failure was thinking that they were, I convinced myself that they were hopes, only to eventually grasped at thin air.
"Never again." Those were the words that I gave myself.
"They said you missed 100% the shot you don't take, right?"
Her voice rings in my head. Those are the words that she gave me, words from our very first date after a long time. Miyu is that type of girl, the type of girl who lives in the moment and always looks forward, the type of girl who will go out of her ways to find her own love, even at her own risks. And yet, here I am, questioning myself, kicking myself, trying to convince myself that it was just the cruel hand of God. How can there be hope for me if I'm already not worthy in the first place?
Even if the hope is false…
Even if the hope is nothing but my imagination.
But, like Kotomi-said, I still need to know.
Even if I will be heart broken again…
It's ok, I already experienced it two times, I can handle it.
I still want to know.
…
Morning. Hikigaya Residence.
The sun is just barely looming at the horizon, but I'm already wide awake after a seemingly instant 10-hour sleep. I go to the bathroom and take a quick shower, rinse my hair with shampoo and cleanse my body with body wash, dry myself with a towel, and start putting on my uniform. The eye circles have become fainter, and my skin has regained its softness and vitality. I feel the cold, slimy texture of gel on my hand and run my fingers through my hair. It has grown long so I can no longer work the same style, but this should work. I scrape my nails under the running warm water, shave off the patchy facial hair. The glasses that was given by her, I gently slide them in between my ears. Even just by a little bit, but my vision has become clearer.
"And with the glasses, Onii-chan's Charm has reached maximum level," Kotomi menacing voices appears out of nowhere.
"Yay! MAX Charm Onii-chan is back!" Komachi shrieks.
"Don't be stupid."
"So you will get to the bottom of it?"
I draw in a big breath and let it out slowly.
"I will."
Extras
Evening. Miura Residence.
Yumiko threw herself on the sofa, it had been a long day for her. So many things were going on, and now that she was already a third year, she didn't even dare to think what would be waiting for her ahead. There was going to be a lot of changes, and she was in no shape to be ready for it. What was she going to do now? She had no idea.
Feeling burdened by her own thoughts, she turned on the TV to relieve herself for a while, that was, until a certain devious sister came into her view. The little girl hopped her way through the living room with a mischievous smile on her face, while Yumiko pretended to ignore her existence. It was for the best. This couldn't be good, that face couldn't mean anything but trouble. Living under the same roof for years with that little devil has taught her that.
Kotomi plopped on the same sofa where Yumiko was sitting and looked at her elder sister with eager eyes. The little sister seemed to catch on the fact that she was just pretending. At that moment, Yumiko couldn't help taking a glance at her.
"Yumi-nee, I just found out something very interesting!"
"What is it?" Yumiko spoke coldly.
Kotomi pulled a photo from behind her back and put it in Yumiko's eyeshot, accompanied by a childish "Ta da!"
In a millionth of a second, she instantly recognised the photo, and her face turns bright red.
"GIVE ME THAT!" she screamed.
Like a flash, she lunged over Kotomi, but the little sister was even faster. She put the photos behind her back and laid flat on the sofa, while Miura was desperately trying to peel her off.
"How did you find it?!" Yumiko shrieked.
But the only reply she got was the hysterical laughter from Kotomi. She was bawling her eyes out, not sure by the Yumiko's reaction or by her tickle, maybe a little bit of both.
"You goddamn BRAT! I told you not to come into my room without my permission!"
Suddenly, Kotomi laughter stopped.
"Eh? I didn't go into your room."
"Huh?!"
"I got it from Onii-chan."
Now it was Yumiko's turn to freeze up. She makes a flimsy squeak as she pulled back and sat promptly on the sofa. Her cheeks became even redder and her eyes could barely look at her sister.
"Is- is that so?!"
"Heh?" Then, Kotomi's eyes opened wide. She sat back up and started crawling toward Yumiko. "Wait! Don't tell me- Eek!"
Yumiko extended her hand and pushed Kotomi's face away from her. She stood up, arms folded in front of her.
"That stupid, perverted creep! What was he thinking?! Giving you that photo!"
"He didn't give me the photo, though. Actually, he is really sick lately."
Yumiko flinched. She pulled closer to Kotomi and grab her shoulders.
"What?! How sick? What kind is it?"
But there was no response aside from Kotomi's soul-piercing, cat-like smirk. At that moment, Yumiko knew she had been bamboozled.
"You… BRAT!"
"You know, if you want to know that bad, you can just go and visit him."
She stood up again and flicked her golden locks
"Hm! I'm going up to my room!"
"Yumi-nee~" Kotomi made a pouty call.
"Not listening."
But just after a few steps up the stairs. She turned to Kotomi again, with her cheeks still red, she called:
"Also, stop calling him Onii-chan! Good grief!"
WOO! Sorry for the long break. I have been caught up with some mind blowing things lately, that and juggling between school and work. But I promise that I will be back with regular updates from now on (1 week to 2 per chapter, that is, if there are still people reading this fic, lol)