Torian POV

She's avoiding me.

Hurts a lot. I just watch her from across the crate. She's beautiful. I don't know how she doesn't see it. She was born to be a goddess, but she doesn't seem to notice. Everyone else does. I clench my fists when I think of Gault. Hut'uunla di'kut. I want to tell her these things and more. But I know she would only laugh and smirk. I'm just a Mando kid to her. A means to an end.

I remember back in the trap, after the fight. I saw the pain in her stance as she tried to fight something inside her. The way she leant on the desk like she couldn't trust herself to stand alone. I want her to lean on me. On reflex I took half a step forward. I reached out my hand. I'm stretching but she's just out of reach. I want to kiss her. And take it all away.

But I can't. I don't want to die like that. I know that's all that would come from it. So I take another step back and drop my hand. The movement disorientated me. I became aware of the wound on my shoulder.

She watched me and walked over, taking off her gloves. Her hands are soft and gentle. It's a little surprising. I want to hold them in my own coarse hands. The studs on her knuckles are amazing. I had never seen them that close. I remember what they did to the man on Taris. They only make her more beautiful. Never met such a strong woman, even among the Mando'ad. They don't compare to her. Not even in the same galaxy.

I looked at the thing in replace of her eye. Wonder if it hurts her. I want to know what happened to her. But I can't ask. She doesn't want me to know. I know that's why she avoids my eyes. I see more then she thinks I do. I have no doubt of her skill in battle. I don't find it hard to believe she killed the Mandalorian Killer.

So I guess I was just an ade in awe. 'Kellian Jarro. You took down the 'Mandolorian Killer'?' Means she should be famous amongst the Mando'ad. A celebrity. Makes me sad she isn't.

'You seem surprised.' Her eye met mine and I saw her hurt. I saw my mistake. Sounded like surprise and disbelief. Didn't mean to offend her. Never want to offend her. She motioned to her hands. 'Didn't have a chance.' I looked at them again. I think what I have since I first saw them: what happened to you? Her bones can be seen, dark and metallic under her skin. They disappear up her arm. I wonder if it stops.

She finished and walked away. I didn't know what to say. My mouth opened and closed as I think of saying a hundred different things. None of them were right. I finally decided what to say.

But a sudden alarm cut me off before anything came out.

'More trouble.' It didn't do justice to what I wanted to say. But I suppose that's all I'm ever going to cause for myself. I don't mind. Never been one to stay out of trouble.

'I thought the body count was low anyway.' I couldn't agree more. Nothing is more thrilling and intoxicating then fighting with her. My cyare.

I let her kill them. She needed to. I like the way she fights through her pain as if her enemies were an embodiment of it and her past. I respect her. But that is an understatement. Feel a lot more than just respect.

We left. 'I'll cover your rear.' It's all I can ever say.

On the way back, she fought harder. Tried not to show it but I know it was to compensate for my shoulder. To protect me. Kind of flattered by that but I don't dare read into it. After we got back and she filled the others in, she was quick to wave me away. I know the order to rest wasn't in concern for my shoulder. But on her way down to the Deveronian, there was concern as she made an inquiry. I look into her eyes now and try and find that same concern.

She almost blushes when she sees me staring at her from across the rudimentary table. I don't mean to. Can't help it. I want to know what she was thinking. What she spent hours talking to the Deveronian about. What he said that made her so hurt and withdrawn. Image of his hand on her chest is burnt into my memory. She was already a little off since earlier on Quesh. He seemed to make it worse. Don't know what to say to make amends. All I want to do is erase her pain. I can still hear her cries.

I look at the flower.

It's finally finished. Took me a few weeks. Harder by working on only memory. But not much. Remember every moment with her perfectly. Remember her approval at killing Jicoln. Remember the rush of fighting next to her. Remember the concern she tried to hide. The fierce grin she let slip when killing. The darkness that came around her and made her so alive.

I run my finger over the petals, feeling the tiny grooves that are almost as thin as those on your fingers. It catches the light that comes down through a gap in the steps, it's silver mirror surface creating rainbows in the air. I like sleeping under the stairs. Not much choice I guess. Rather get eaten by a malraas then sleep near that Deveronian. But no complaints. Better here than back with the Mando's. Guess I miss my friends and Corridan, though.

Thump.

I look up, alert. Sound came from the shower. I listen intently but no more come. My gaze returns to the silver flower. Would have been quicker to finish if Mako wasn't always around. Surprised she's not sitting with me now. Guess she's hiding in shame after the make she made about Quesh. I don't want to go make her feel better. Not my place. Not my way.

I put the flower away in the crate where I keep the other things. I take out a barrel I'm working on and fiddle with it. Should be finished soon. My next order of metals should arrive soon too. I put the barrel away and sit. Cyare's been in the bathroom awhile.

Thump.

It was louder this time. I stand alert in the cargo hold, ready to run up the stairs. But no other sounds come. Think I might hear something like a scream. But I dismiss it. I take my shirt off and pick up my staff. Start to go through some basic forms. She runs a tight ship. Tougher than Mando'ad. Didn't think that was possible. Even got the Deveronian working on his aim. He tries to not let the rest of us see. She expects our best. I want to give her more than that.

Crash.

I drop my staff mid twirl and listen. The sound was like shattered glass. I hear distinctive crying. I run to the bathroom door. But I don't dare touch it. Mako is there a split second after. Deveronian's nowhere to be seen. Mako bangs on the door, shouting for her to open it. The door stays closed.

Mako gives up and leaves. But I stand there for a long time. I'm too weak to open it. But too strong to leave. I can't bring myself to knock and call to her. So I listen to her sobbing instead. They burn my ears and echo in my mind for hours after. I know I can't do anything. And we are not supposed to hear or know.

So I left her to suffer alone.

I don't think I'll ever be able to live with that.

She shakes her head at something she was thinking. Makes her red hair wave like a crimson flag. I like it when she doesn't have it slicked back for battle. I decide an approach to making amends.

'Been watching you work.'

She doesn't offer a response. Just eats and avoids my eyes. I like the way I make her squirm like this. Never seen her do it in the presence of anyone else. Even Sith Lords. Makes me a little sad though.

'You're an amazing shot.' I try to let her hear how much I respect her. That I know what she's capable of. In the weeks and then months to come, I will look back and realise how very little I actually knew.

Her arm twitches. She always wears full length clothes. Never seen any more than her face and hands. I want to know what's underneath. Seen too much of Mako. Don't want to hurt the kids feelings by telling her I'm not interested but I never take her up on her offers, either. Guess I should. It's only getting worse. Don't think she could get any further away from being my type.

Cyare shovels more food into her mouth and speaks with her mouth full. 'I should be. I'm a Champion.' I nod. True enough. Don't know what answer I really wanted, but it wasn't that. I know she was thinking something else. I want more than her strong shield of arrogance and cold indifference. I don't believe that's all she is. I know there's more. Guess if there isn't, I'm in love with an impossible dream.

'Don't make it far in this business if you miss.'

'I've seen successful hunters who couldn't shoot to save their lives,' I quickly reply. True enough. Image of Jogo is strong in my mind. She doesn't reply to that, but I see a smirk on her lips. I vaguely eat some more food. Not sure if this actually is food. I don't touch my drink. Being drunk near her doesn't seem like the wisest move. Not sure what I'd do. But my track record isn't spotless. Don't know how Gault is still alive. Spend a lot of time wondering about that. Others have been shot dead for a lot less than what he says.

She leans back. Surprised she doesn't fall off the crate. Perfect balance. There's that smirk on her lips. But it's a little different. There's a painful twist at the end. 'So you've been watching me this long and all you've noticed is my aim?' She raises the drink to her red lips. 'I'm disappointed.'

I almost grin at her. But I'm still cautious. Don't think I'm beyond getting shot yet. 'Less likely to shoot me if I only comment on your aim.' Her teasing smile twists into a frown. Something dark passes over her face. Like she's in pain. I just want her to know I'm her's to hold.

'It's nice to see a professional in action.' I let my eyes take her in. Guess I'm being a little bold. Might not need to drink to be stupid. Figure I might die tomorrow any way. What's a few hours difference? 'Quite the view.' Guess I'm fond of understatements when it comes to her.

She reaches for the gun at her hip. Half draws it. It was a reflex. Too quick to have thought about it. I flinch back. I don't take it personal. But I can't help but think of Gault again. Never drawn a gun on him.

She just laughs as if that can make it go away. As if it was a joke. What happened to her?

I study her. Wonder what she's thinking. I want to know. The droid comes and interrupts us. But I don't even glance up. Given up pretending to eat this food.

Cyare tries to pretend nothing happened. She pours more rum into my glass. It's almost over flowing. 'Drink, Torian.' She doesn't look into my eyes as she says it. Just somewhere near my mouth. Her hand gesturing to my glass.

I nod a little and obey. Never disobeyed a direct order. The rum is harsh. Don't know how she drinks it. Seems like water to her. She doesn't even try to make it seem like she doesn't taste it. I wonder if she can.

I like the way she started to say my name for the first time. Not ashamed of my clan anymore. Just like to hear her say my name. I guess I look at her curiously. She started to after we competed. I know I won. But that was only today. I feel like I didn't see anything near her best.

'I like you calling me Torian. Not Cadera.'

She looks me in the eye for a moment. But then immediately away. There was something like shy embarrassment in them. She keeps eating. I wonder if she realises that the food is changing colour. She gazes out the window a little. Wonder what things look like through her eyes.

'I know what you mean, by the way.' She looks at me out of the corner of my eye. My body immediately reacts. Her eye moves down. 'Views not bad from here either, Torian.'

'Glad to oblige.' My heart is beating quicker. My body is hot. I want her. I want her to lean on me like she does Gault. I want her to sleep next to me like she does him. I want her to want me. I want to have her. I drink some of the rum from my almost empty glass. For a change, I'm the one that looks away. But it doesn't last long. My eyes are a compass needle and she is my north.

She fidgets. Doesn't eat though. Think she finally realised the food had gone from a bland grey to blue to orange. She stands to leave. I don't know what to say to make her stay. I don't want her to leave.

'You know, if you ever want to see more... I'd be happy to give you a better view.' Her voice and eyes are suggestive. So is her body language. I want to take her up on that here and now. My body is more than ready. But something told me she didn't mean it. Didn't want it. And before I can say anything or respond, she's already walking up the stairs.

'I'll remember you said that.'

Don't think I'll do much but remember for weeks. Remember and imagine. All I want is to be closer than words. But I feel that this is the closest to heaven that I'll ever be.