I do my best to keep calm; it's not as if I don't know where he went. It still doesn't mean that a million different things can't happen, including a Dauntless guard spotting him and taking him straight to Jeanine. I look at the very pale light coming in behind the blanket covering the one clear window, and think it can't be any later than six. I huff as I get up, turning on the lamp and carrying it into the bathroom.
I remove the bandage and clean my wound. It's definitely going to need stitches for it to close properly and not get infected, but it doesn't look as bad as it did last night. The redness and heat have started to subside. I clean it carefully and bandage it again. There's nothing left for me to do now but sit and wait for Susan.
As more time passes, I find myself getting more and more angry. What was he thinking? We needed to come up with a plan, some sort of failsafe if things went awry with Evelyn or if he were caught before he even made it there. But instead I'm stuck here worrying and unsure of what I should do next.
I get up and pace back and forth, trying to keep myself busy and vent out the anger that keeps building, but it's just not working. I slam my fist down on the desk, and the knife wobbles, catching my eye. So does the gun. He didn't even bother to take either with him.
I snatch my sling up and put my arm in it before grabbing the knife. I practice the stances Tobias taught me, and apply them to the movements he showed me with the knife. Before long I am sweating as the blade cuts through the air, each and every move becoming more and more precise. With one last gush of anger, I scream and throw the knife with everything I have- it sticks in the wall.
I stand there, dumbfounded, my anger subsiding. The knife is buried deep- deeper than I thought it would be. I walk to it slowly, and stare. I had no idea I was capable of such a thing, and a smile creeps onto my face. A soft knock on the door finally brings me out of my daze.
Susan walks in without a word. She looks around, her eyes lingering a second on the knife.
"Where's Four?"
"He's...out," I answer.
"Is that a good idea?"
"Probably not."
"Here," she says, holding out a bag of clothes. I take it from her and rummage through it, finding the clothes she brought for me, and change quickly in the bathroom.
"Let me look at that," she says, motioning for me to come over to her. I set the first-aid kit on the table, thankful she grabbed me a tank top.
"What happened?" she asks as she gently removes the bandage.
"I was shot." Her hands stop moving.
"Beatrice," she says. "How much danger are you in?"
"You read the envelope I gave you?" I see her nod out of the corner of my eye. "Let's just say that Dauntless and Erudite aren't exactly happy that we were able to get that information."
We're quiet while she cleans the wound and stitches me up. I do my best to breathe in through my nose, and out through my mouth each time she pierces my skin with the needle. Without a numbing agent, I can feel everything. The sharp sting of the needle. The suture being pulled through. The pull of my skin. She rubs a salve on it when she's done, and puts a thin bandage over it, making it less obvious that I have an injury.
"That bandage should hold for a week," she says, "Even in water. I'll check it then." I frown. I know she doesn't get the implications of her words, but it rubs me the wrong way- as if things are going to be back to normal by then.
"So what changed?" I ask as she cleans up.
"What do you mean?"
"Susan, you are not the same girl I grew up with."
"I could say the same about you," she says, smiling.
"Yeah, but, I was sort of always like this. Different. You, though? You were always so quiet and reserved and...well, Abnegation. What changed?" She shrugs.
"I don't know. I think it was just a bit of everything, really. Caleb and Robert leaving. Meeting Four and realizing what the two of you have and the limitations placed on you. Obviously being a part of this." I nod. I guess it's not so much of what changed, but more of when did she grow up.
"Are you going to be okay?" she asks as she heads to the door.
"Yeah."
"I have faith, Beatrice," she says. "You should too." I give her one last small smile before she closes the door.
It's agonizing, waiting for the unknown. So many awful scenarios run through my head as more and more time ticks by. One thing's for sure though. I think I can finally understand why some people end up in the hospital, unable to cope with reality. 'Crazy', they call them. It's so easy to lose hope when there's nothing left to inspire it. But reality isn't a tangible thing you can just grasp as it leaves.
I look outside for what feels like the millionth time, even though I'm looking in the wrong direction. I guess I hope that if something happens, I would still be able to tell.
With nothing to do but wait, I lay down in the bed and try to sleep. If we are going to travel, it will probably be at night, so eating and sleeping are the only things I'm able to prioritize right now. When I finally doze off, I fall into another dream- only this time I'm a helpless bystander.
I watch as Tobias is dragged out of the Factionless sector by Dauntless guards, and marched right into Abnegation. Marcus stands in front of our council building, shaking his head, a look of total revulsion on his face.
"You disgust me," he snarls, his eyes black and empty. "You think you can just do whatever you want, Tobias? That the rules don't apply to you?" The guards shove him down on the ground.
"Tobias!" I shout, but he can't hear me. Nobody can hear me.
I struggle to move as his father circles him; my feet seem to be rooted to the spot. The guards all point and laugh at Tobias, his former faction humiliating him as he cowers. The Abnegation that have gathered whisper to each other as they often do when they think no one is looking. I try to move, try to run and help him, try to get anyone's attention, but it's useless. It's as if I don't even exist.
"Why won't you help him? Why won't you speak up?" I scream at the people around me, but their eyes are all wide, too focused on what's going on in front of them. I look back to see Marcus take a gun from a Dauntless guard. I try to look away, but now it's not just my feet that won't move; my head is frozen too. I can't even blink. I'm forced to watch as Marcus presses the gun against his own sons temple.
"This is what happens when you disobey your faction," he says, and just before he pulls the trigger, I hear Tobias call out my name.
"Tris!"
I open my eyes to a feeling of total panic racing through me. A soft touch on my arm panics me even more, and I sit up, scooting away from whatever is touching me.
"Relax! It's me, Tris. It's just me," Tobias says, holding his hands up in front of him; it takes me a few seconds to get my bearings.
"You asshole!" I yell, lurching forward and shoving him. "Dammit!" I breathe out, bringing a hand up to my now throbbing arm. Tobias sits on his ass, staring at me, eyes wide and mouth open.
"How could you just leave? Do you have any idea what it's been like, sitting here and wondering if you're dead or alive or captured? God, I've been going crazy, Tobias!"
"Tris," he says quietly, as he shakes his head, "I don't think I've ever heard you cuss."
"Yeah, well, I've never had a reason to," I snap at him, squeezing my eyes shut as I put more pressure on my arm. "And of course you would focus on that."
"I'm sorry," is all he says.
The dream feels like it's on constant repeat in my mind as we sit there in silence. I'll never get that image to go away. Ever. I wonder briefly if Marcus would be capable of such a thing, but why wouldn't he? He made his wife fake her own death, and beat his only child bad enough to leave scars. Marcus Eaton is not a good man.
Tobias has looked wary of me the entire time. My heart has finally stopped trying to leave my body, and I'm able to rationalize that it was just a dream, and it's not going to happen. No. I'm not going to let it happen.
As much as Tobias deserves my anger for leaving the way he did, I find myself eventually laughing.
"What?" he finally ventures.
"You were scared of me," I tease.
"I was not," he fires back.
"That's not what your face said." He glares at me, and I laugh even harder. "That doesn't work on me."
His faces relaxes, but he still has a look that says he's upset. I roll my eyes and make the first effort, reaching my hand out- he takes it without thinking twice about it.
"I didn't like waking up and not finding you here," I say.
"I said I was sorry."
"You can't just say sorry and expect everything to be okay. It's not okay. It's far from okay, Tobias. I felt like I was going to explode, waiting here for you to come back. Or to not come back."
"Sor-," he starts, but stops, clenching his jaw a few times before speaking up again. "Okay."
"So...just...why?" I ask, and he sighs. I can tell by the way he shifts and the way his lips are pursed and the way he refuses to look directly at me that all of this is making him uncomfortable. It's probably unfamiliar territory; in Abnegation, he only cowered and obeyed, while in Dauntless he used his fists instead of words. I'm about to apologize for pushing him, when he answers.
"I didn't want you to try and go with me, Tris. I saw the look in your eyes last night." He looks up at me now, and I can only nod my head. I was thinking of going. Even of following him if it came down to it. I really can't be mad if I'm just as guilty of things as he is.
"Just, please don't do it again," I whisper, and he nods. A few minutes pass before either of us speaks again.
"Is Evelyn going to help us?"
"She made me tell her everything before she agreed to anything," he says, looking annoyed. "But she agreed to slow the production down, buying us at least another week." Relief floods through me. In the very least, this part has succeeded.
"What did she think, when you told her?"
"She seemed shocked at first, but then she sort of acted like it was just a matter of time. She offered to send Edward and a few of her 'best guys' to help us, but I told her no thanks."
"Good," I say. "Something about Edward seems...off."
"Mmm," he agrees. "Let's try and get some rest while we can before we leave."
I lay down and so does Tobias. He wraps his arms around me, and I finally feel the last bit of anger I was holding onto dissolve as he relaxes against my back. As angry as I was, I know I would have done the same thing, and staying angry at this point does nothing to help our situation. He brushes my hair off my neck and kisses me, and I feel myself melt back into him.
"Tobias," I whisper.
"Mmm," he responds. The vibration from his deep voice paired with his soft lips gives me goosebumps all over. Now is a good time to let myself forget everything, I think, even if it's only temporary.
I turn my head, letting Tobias kiss me on my temple and my cheek before sitting up. I keep my arm guarded as I maneuver my way on top of him, leaning down to kiss him instead- he is gentle as he pushes me away.
"Your arm," he says, running a light finger over the new bandage.
"It's better," I say, taking his hand and moving it to my breast instead. He takes in a sharp breath and looks up; I give him a small smile and a nod as I roll my hips against him. He responds by squeezing my breast, and I bite my lip.
He is careful as he removes my shirt, removing his own afterwards. I hold my injured arm close to me, covering my breasts and he smiles. He sits up, moving my arm just enough to kiss the top of each one before holding on tight and flipping me over. He isn't so gentle as he removes the clothing from my bottom half, and my laugh turns into a gasp quickly as he buries his face in between my legs. I smile as I let myself get lost in the way he explores every last inch of me with his tongue. I thread my fingers into his hair and tug hard as I come.
He trails kisses up my stomach, but I push him off me, trailing kisses down his stomach instead as I yank off his pants to return the favor. I'm unsure of things at first, but with a long lick up and around, and a few motions of my mouth, I completely understand why Tobias loves to please me this way; the quiet, satisfied noises and occasional curse words are actually quite endearing. He pulls me away after a while, and I climb on top of him, absolutely in love with the feeling of being in complete control.
I lower myself onto him, gasping at how different it feels this time. Better. I move my hips, and so does he, and I completely let go.
I place my hands on his chest and look down into his dark eyes, biting my lip harder as we move, coming closer to that high with each thrust. His fingers find my breasts. Trail down my back. Dig into my hips. The way he looks at me, with so much desire -but more importantly, love- there is no doubt that I am his and he is mine, and it could never be any other way.
I close my eyes and throw my head back, inhaling sharply as my body tenses, enjoying the jolt of pleasure that courses through me. Tobias grips me harder, whispering my name as I come down. I look at him through heavy eyes, and as his thrusts become more erratic, I still him, choosing to take over instead. I move up and down, slowly, feeling him twitch as he tries to restrain himself.
"Tris," he says again, this time followed by a soft "fuck" and a shudder as his fingers dig into my hips harder, unable to control his erratic movements now. He stills, deep inside me, after one last thrust. I can feel him trembling slightly. I smile as I look down into his sleepy, sated eyes.
"I love you," he whispers as he pulls me down next to him, wrapping himself around me tightly.
"I love you too," I say back.
"Where to?" I say as we pack up what we can in the sack that was previously a punching bag. I stick the knife in my pocket, having pulled it out of the wall while Tobias was in the shower.
"Amity. We have to find a way to get this information to Johanna. She's our best bet."
"And the guards?"
"We'll figure it out," he says firmly. I nod as I finish eating my peaches. Tobias stops what he's doing and cocks his head, so I do the same.
"What?" I say, not hearing anything.
"I thought I heard something," he says, walking over to the window. "Tris," he says, motioning for me to join him. I get up and look out the window too.
"What's going..." I say, not finishing my sentence as I see a few Factionless running in the direction of Abnegation. My heart pounds in my chest- something's wrong.
I turn and dash out the door and down the stairs, Tobias on my heels. We run until we see a small crowd gathered near the field between the two sectors.
"Here," Tobias says, pulling me into a building. We race up the stairs and I rub my fist on a dirty window on the top floor.
I'm frantic as I try to see what they see. "Tobias, I can't!" I shout, and he moves me out of the way. He picks up a stray brick and hits the window, shattering it. We hold back a few moments to not draw any more attention to ourselves, but as I look out the window, my mouth falls open.
There are eight Erudite cars that have pulled up in front of Abnegation headquarters. It's far enough away that we'll never be able to hear what they're saying, but close enough that I can make out Jeanine Matthews as she walks through the front door. Dauntless are now exiting the cars, lining up between the Factionless crowd and Abnegation.
"It's not starting, is it?" I ask.
"No." I nod, worrying now more than ever. I have no idea what's going on. I hear some of the Factionless yell, and I turn my head in their direction. It takes me a minute to notice the Dauntless guards escorting an Abnegation woman through the crowd, and my heart drops.
"Mom?" I whisper.