CHAPTER 21

"What happened? Is she hurt?" Angel asked as he rushed to them, Cordelia's soft sobs had drawn him – the fact that he'd come around the corner and spotted Doyle carrying her had earned his undivided attention.

"Nothing physical, man, it's grief. Had a bit of a scare and it brought back some bad memories for her." Doyle said quietly but Angel continued to look (not touch, mind you) for himself to verify that everything was still attached and where it should be. "Just…give me a few to get her comfortable and I'll explain." He offered, waiting for Angel's eyes to meet his before giving him a meaningful look.

Angel hesitantly nodded, watching Doyle carry her into the bedroom as he paced impatiently outside the door.

She was drifting off to sleep already as he knelt on the bed and rested her on it; good thing, too – if she'd kept it up any longer he would have started worrying that she wasn't human after all. No being should be able to sob that hard for that long. He pressed a kiss to her forehead and slid his arms slowly out from beneath her, pulling off her shoes and tucking her in. As silently as possible he slipped out of the room and closed the door, pressing a finger to his lips and catching Angel's elbow as he walked them out onto the balcony.

"What's –?" Angel began but Doyle held up his hand, looking back into the suite and smiling as Wesley came stumbling out looking extremely disturbed.

"I feel the need to point out that the most acceptable means of drawing someone's presence is to call them…aloud." Wesley said in an unsteady voice. "Angel, would you be so kind as to ask him to refrain from shouting inside my head?" He whined.

"Oh stop, it was quieter and your response time was impeccable." Doyle said with a grin.

"Enough about that, what's going on with Cordelia?" Angel asked impatiently.

"She's fine – like I said she just had a scare that brought back a few memories. The real concern is what gave her that scare." Doyle said as he leaned against the railing. "Found out the hard way what our friends at Wolfram & Hart are up to with those demons from Cordy's vision. They're trying to pull me back."

"Pull you back? What do you mean?" Wesley asked, his curiosity drawing him several steps closer.

"How can they do that? Didn't you say this place was under some kind of protection?" Angel asked.

"Yeah well we wandered a bit too far and left the shields…they're using a spell to summon my energy back to their building…and it's awful damned strong, I'll give it that much; had me halfway to their building before I even realized what was going on. I managed to get back in control and into Doyle's body again…but…" He explained and Angel's head slowly came up in realization.

"You left the body…and Cordelia…she thought…" Angel began and Doyle nodded.

"Apparently this thing doesn't function so well without anyone behind the wheel; I mean it folded faster than Doyle ever did in poker, that's for sure. Breathing, heart beating and what not it can do, walking and talking, not so much. When I got back I was in the sand with her holding me up…sufficed to say the experience was rough on her. She's reliving him dying in her head, man – it's not pretty in there at the moment. And that brings me to you…" He said, pointing at Wesley. "How close are we to getting him back inside where he belongs?"

"I'm sorry; did you mean to speak to me aloud that time?" Wesley asked sarcastically, he quickly moved onto the answer though seeing the arched brow and scowl his comment earned. "I'm close to a crucial translation, by the morning we should know what it will take to accomplish the removal of the symbols and how to specify which are to remain." He explained.

Angel crossed his arms over his chest as he followed the evil's thoughts. "What are you planning?" He asked.

"Well they want me back and I'm guessing it's not to discuss the terms of my reinstatement. They can't get rid of me…so that leads me to believe they've brought in someone with a higher understanding of what I am. Cordy said red demons, four horns – there's a cult of demons matching that description out in Syria that worships evil, not a god or devil or being, just the energy of evil itself." He grinned. "That's right, I've got me own cult…anyway, if they've brought these demons here it was for a lesson in the philosophy of evil. Unfortunately for us these guys are spot on so if they're talking Wolfram & Hart knows what it would take to turn me against you all."

Angel's body noticeably stiffened at that. "There's a way for them to change your desire?"

He shrugged. "I'm assuming – like I said, what else would they want me for? I can't tell for sure on account of leaving these shields puts me on a one-way trip to their doorstep but it's the only thing that makes sense. Don't worry yourself about it too much; I've a plan but it's on hold until Wesley's finished. There's no way in hell I'm going forward with it until you put Doyle back in the box, ya know? Just can't do that to Cordelia – leave this body lying in a bed like some coma patient. She's been through enough already." He said, hating the thought of what it would do to her to see anything remotely resembling death in this body again.

"And if your plan doesn't work?" Angel asked in a grave tone. He watched his friend's face become equally severe.

"Then nothing can protect her." He whispered and found the tears he'd experienced welling up earlier were making their second appearance of the evening. With a clearing of his throat to ensure his voice would function properly he continued. "Just pray it doesn't come to tha, yeah? Listen, I should…" He pointed over his shoulder as speaking became more difficult. "Umm…" He trailed off and cursed under his breath, not noticing the look Angel shot Wesley.

"Oh, would you look at the time! If you'll excuse me; I'd better get back to the translation…" Wesley offered lamely before quickly making his exit.

Angel walked over beside the other man, now having a great level of difficulty not seeing him as Doyle. "We won't stand a chance, will we?" He asked, resting his arms on the railing and looking up at the moon. He let out an unnecessary breath as he recalled the last sunset he'd seen. Doyle had been there at his side then, offering support as he'd made the difficult decision to destroy the ring of Amara. Cordelia wasn't the only one replaying the night of his death in their mind, as always the memory cut deeply. It was difficult to deal with the possibility that they'd finally get him back, soul and all, only to lose him if this evil was turned against them.

Doyle, the evil operated one, leaned on the railing beside Angel, sighing and shaking his head. "No, man. It's hard to understand all the ways it hurts to know that…just the idea of hurting her…and you, for whatever reason…" He said, giving Angel an appraising sidelong inspection. "Guess the bastard was awfully fond of you."

Angel suppressed his smile and nodded. "Well it was mutual." He said quietly.

"I'm telling you, if they'd consulted me beforehand and given me some warning about how confusing all this humanity business was going to be you can bet your ass I'd not have responded to that spell. And the really baffling part is I find myself wishing I hadn't just because by doing so I've put Cordelia in danger. Where did all this noble, selfless stuff come from? I'm supposed to be selfish." He said bitterly. "I'm telling you, nothing'll make you long for oblivion quite like love and friendship, I'm finding."

With a smirk Angel nodded again. "True…but then again nothing will make you long for life like they will, either."

Doyle sighed. "Yeah, there is that pesky little detail. When I'm with her it's like nothing else exists, ya know? There's this peace that comes from her smile and her laugh…I don't want to lose that. Sure I'd rather his soul get in here and take care of all this emotion nonsense…but I want to be here for all the fun stuff. Like her having those babies – there's this…" He scanned the memories for a word to put to the feeling and found it had to be defined with several. "Excitement and nervousness…and overwhelming joy and nagging worry…and it's all bundled together, man. It's so strong, I want to feel what it will be like for him to hold them and know they're his children. I want to be a part of that."

Angel tilted his head to the side as he listened, seeing why Cordelia was so fond of this being.

"And if anything threatens her or the little ones I want to be inside telling him to take care of it, I want to give him strength to protect them beyond what he could do with just his body alone." The being rambled.

"So he'll retain your abilities if this works?" Angel asked thoughtfully.

"Yeah, man! It's a handy little side effect of retaining me. That's why I want to stay – you gotta put a good word in for me with him." He pleaded and Angel turned and looked at him, wondering if he knew Doyle had asked him to do the same once with Cordelia. "Everything he wants is what I'm here for; I'm part of him now. He has to understand, how could I just leave when I want Cordelia to be happy, when I want you both to be safe? I mean I'm sure I'll be a royal pain in his ass but if Cordelia can keep me in line he ought be able to, right?"

Angel laughed. "Well, she is a bit more strong-willed than your average person…" He watched the hopefulness in his friend's eyes waiting for him to continue. "But I see your point…and I'll try to explain it to him." He agreed and watched that familiar grin form.

"Thanks, Angel. I really appreciate it." He said as he clapped him on the back. "This better work…this has to work…I hate that there are so many things up in the air. I mean…" He sighed and ran a hand over his face. "If it doesn't, and if they manage to get a hold of me and change what I'm after there won't be any way to save her. It makes it hard to breathe thinking about that possibility. I don't want to hurt her, man. I can't feel guilty for it but I can feel sadness, just the same. Like when I hurt her before…" He began and Angel felt his muscles going rigid, really not wanting to discuss the subject. "I mean I wasn't sorry, I didn't feel remorse and I still don't…but when I realized that my hurting Cordelia translated into Cordelia hurting it changed everything. Blocking out the ability to experience remorse doesn't do a damned thing for the extreme displeasure that comes with the thought of her feeling pain. There are so many grey areas that Wolfram & Hart never bothered to consider. I don't want her to suffer; I don't want her to cry. I guess I understand now why Doyle never forced the issue of her and him getting together – he just wanted her to have whatever she decided was best for her, he wanted her to be happy even if it didn't include him at all." He let out a growl of frustration and gripped the railing. "I don't want another desire, Angel. I want her…and the second you get Doyle back inside I'm going to do what needs to be done to make that possible."

Angel reached out and put a hand on his friend's shoulder, gripping it as if keeping the being grounded. "Alright, alright...soon, okay? Do you remember when I said, 'if it gets to a point where we have no other choice'? Well this is that point. We can't risk them having you under their control; too many innocent lives would be lost without us being able to stop it. Once Doyle's soul is in place you have my blessing to take out the threat of Wolfram & Hart…but there are a lot of things we need to address before you go out there and start killing people."

He turned and cast a look over his shoulder at Angel. "The stuff Cordelia was too tired to get into last night, is it?"

Angel nodded. "We do this the right way and who knows? You might not suffer too badly when we remove the mark that prevents guilt." Angel said, casting him a pointed glance.

Understanding swept over Doyle's features, he'd forgotten about that part. He cleared his throat, trying to sound more confident than he was feeling. "Guilt…" He scoffed unconvincingly. "I mean…can it really as bad as all tha?" He asked with feigned skepticism but upon seeing the grave look on Angel's face he swallowed hard.

"You can't experience guilt for your own actions yet…but you can explore other people's emotions, right?" Angel asked. His jaw flexed rhythmically as he watched Doyle slowly nod. "Then come on in. I'll give you a crash course." He turned to face him, waiting for the consciousness to reluctantly take the invitation. Even without Doyle's soul he had the same mannerisms, did that same twist of the mouth as he forced himself to do something he knew wouldn't be pleasant.

Hesitantly the energy wandered into the vampire's mind…and was instantly plagued by more than a century of murder and the crushing remorse felt for each of the thousands of victims as they swept past. Their screams clawed at his skull, their faces brought on crushing pain to look upon, anguish weighed down on him for every single life that had been claimed…

He cried out and retreated as quickly as he'd entered, stumbling backward and clutching his aching chest. "Christ, man! What in the hell is all of tha?" He demanded in a strained voice as he struggled to slow his breathing, if he'd disliked fear he downright hated what he'd just felt.

"Regret, guilt, remorse…so? What do you think?" Angel asked, the corner of his mouth turned in a smile watching the being's reaction.

"I think between Cordelia's grief and your guilt the two of you are trying to scare me off emotion, that's what I think." He grimaced and continued massaging his tense chest and stomach. "Oh God, how long until this stuff gets back outta me?" He whined, finding that this particular brand of emotion lingered.

Angel laughed. "I don't know, not long I'm guessing…but if it had been your own guilt? Your own remorse for your own actions? It never leaves. It might lessen eventually but once you do something you have to live with the consequences of that decision for the rest of your life…and from what I gather in your case you can't even count on death to escape it, that's the down side to being invulnerable and immortal. For me a stake or a sunny day could take it all away – if we restore Doyle and he lives out his life until his eventual mortal death you'll remain to regret your choices."

"Crash course, indeed." Doyle griped under his breath as he scowled over at Angel. "So you've got my attention, are ya happy? Now how do we keep me from catching a serious case of the guilts?"

They made themselves comfortable for the next hour of discussion. Angel – being the expert on the subject – went over all the ways to keep this slaughter (if it worked, of course) as righteous and guilt-free as possible. He set the ground rules and explained his reasoning in depth, trying to fight off the realization that this was the way a conversation between himself and Angelus would go…if a lot less violently.

'But Angel, why can't we blow up the house with the entire family sleeping inside of it if it means taking out the guy we're after?'

Yeah. That's what he was up against.

Angel was patient, though. He found the being was highly intelligent and willing to take the time to understand what it was told, didn't move on from an issue until it comprehended it completely. It was eager to learn more about the existence it was now a part of and how it ticked. Once all was said regarding the potential slaughter Angel noticed that the being was becoming restless and questioned why, he already knew but wanted to hear it for some reason.

"This might be it, man. This might be the last night I get to spend with her, ya know? Tomorrow all it'll take is Doyle saying I'm evicted or Wolfram & Hart saying I'm supposed to be hurting her and all of it will be gone…but I'm not ready to go yet. Doyle, he knew – he looked at the situation, made his decision and knew it was time – just knew it deep inside without a shadow of a doubt. Can you imagine tha? I'm not like him, I mean I am in so many ways but I'm not willing to face that this is the end." He said in a strained and quiet tone, after taking a deep breath he said barely audibly, "I'm afraid of losing this existence, Angel…and something beyond terrified of losing her." He took a few seconds after making that confession to gather his thoughts; finally giving a laugh that he hoped would break the somber mood and ease some of the tension in his stomach. "You must be thinking they picked a bad batch of evil to turn into a being, yeah? I don't make for such a good man."

Angel smiled lightly. "Actually you make a better man than most I've met in my life…but I'll attribute that to you using Doyle as a blueprint." He watched the being nod and smile. "So…with that 'bad batch of evil' statement…what if they're planning to turn another 'batch' into a consciousness?" Angel asked reluctantly.

The being shook its head and waved off the concern. "Not really a possibility – I just figured the thought may have crossed your mind. If they pour another batch of me into someone else I'll have more than one body to control. It's all a part of me, one energy – they just gave me thoughts and a central location is all."

Angel looked over at him thoughtfully. "So right now, out there…" he motioned all around them. "You're being used. Do you feel it?" He asked.

He nodded. "Yeah, the entire world is using my energy for their own devices as we speak, as they have since the dawn of time. You'd think they'd get bored of me." He said with a laugh.

"And what if you stopped letting them? What if you simply withdrew from the world?" Angel asked, it was a long shot and one not even worth voicing but he couldn't help it.

The being arched a brow and smirked. "Ah, Angel…if only it were that simple. You know as well as I do the need for balance, you're already telling yourself all the reasons why it would never work so I'll spare you the lecture by telling you you're right. How's tha?"

Angel smiled. "Fair enough. So Wolfram & Hart only had one shot to get you on their side and still didn't do enough research to make sure it would work to their favor." He mused.

"Guess so…unless of course they manage to go through with what they're up to and pull in the reins on me." He let out a long breath as those words weighed down on both of them. "Listen, Angel – if they do…and I…ya know…just know that if it were my own decision – as I am now, without any intervention – I wouldn't harm the two of you." He said quietly.

"I know." Angel whispered. "Why don't you go spend some time with her? Tomorrow is bound to be a long day."

"Yeah…I suppose you're right. G'night, bud…" He muttered, wandering into the suite and leaving Angel to stare out at the ocean and wonder what the next day would bring.

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