Author's Note: Ok ok i know im horrible! Im truly sorry! This chapter took forever cause its long and my beta had to do like multiple jobs with it xD really sorry! The next chapter its done and been sent to my beta and it long too but not as much as this so hopefully it will be done quickly! Thank you for your patience and im really sorry :(
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Bella's POV:
"Where the hell have you been?" I snapped pushing at James' shoulder when Alice dropped me home.
"Sugar! You missed me!" he smiled wide.
I gave him a glare clearly showing how upset I really was and disappointed he didn't show up last night.
The smirk fell from his face, replaced by a frown.
"Sorry Bella, my mom called and I had to check . . ." there was some unease in his voice, as if he was really worried. I frowned in concern.
"Is everything alright?" I asked crossing my arms against my chest.
He stumbled a little on his words.
"Yes . . . well . . . it will be." There it was; that sexy smile he was born with. My blue-eyes was back.
I nodded.
"You called me 'Bella'," I grinned widely as if I had won the biggest award ever.
He rolled his eyes and let out a groan.
"Now, how can I ever make up for that?" he moved his eyebrows suggestively and I laughed, but didn't make a move to attack him.
"I'm warming you up," I flirted back at him.
"I know another thing you can . . ."
"SHUT UP!!!"
*****************************
The next couple of weeks became routine. Blue-eyes and I became really good friends. And since we were neighbors, we pretty much did everything together.
I helped with his mom. Did I mention that I had finally met the woman and was surprised to find out she had cancer and was really sick? Yeah, he neglected to mention that, but I guess he didn't open up to just anyone. Did I mention I was glad he shared it with me?
He also introduced me to Victoria, who was helping with his mom. I could feel they had some history together, it was pretty obvious but for some reason the girl wouldn't talk to him.
Alice and Jasper hung out with us most of the time. We watched movies together and would always pair up when we had a project to do. Of course this didn't go unnoticed by Rosalie or Emmett, who by the way sent me evil glares (Rosalie) and disappointed looks (Emmett) all the time.
It hurt, really hurt.
Not Rosalie so much, but Emmett.
Yep, they gave me the cold shoulder. As if they couldn't care less what I did with my life now days.
It was as if I never existed for them.
As if we never existed. As if we hadn't been friends.
Of course, it was bad with Edward too. We bumped into each other sometimes because we had a lot of classes together. Those little instances were followed with quick 'sorry's' and uncomfortable 'hey's'.
One time Alice caught up with me in the hallway as she was about to leave.
"Alice lets go!!" Edward whined. I tried not to laugh; he just looked too damn cute.
"Oh shut up!!" she turned to her exasperating brother. "Now, Bella promise me please!"
"Alice I really need to go now, please don't make me! I have to find a ride because I just lost my ride!" I whined.
I drove every morning with James. But today he got a call from home. He told me he had to go take his mom to the hospital. I let him go after making sure he was okay and that it wasn't too serious but now I had to find a way to get back home. I was pretty sure any one of my friend's would give me a ride. But as my luck would have it, Alice was the first one I ran across and I stupidly explained what had happened and that I didn't have a ride home.
"What? Come with us!" she demanded. I shook my head vehemently as she glared back with that look that always made me give in - argh.
"You don't mind Edward?" I turn to him and he shrugged his shoulders.
Alice grinned widely. I grabbed my school stuff and we walked straight to the car as Alice rambled non-stop climbing into the front passenger seat while I laughed and hopped into the back. Edward just scoffed.
To my surprise and awkwardness, he drove Alice home first. This meant I would be stuck in a car with him . . . alone.
I didn't move an inch from my seat in the back.
"Are you gonna hop in or not?" he asked me looking at me from the review mirror. I sighed and bit my lower lip but I moved up front to sit next too him in the passenger's side.
"You never liked the back seat," he mumbled and when I turned with wide eyes he laughed.
So I decided to tease him back.
"Maybe I just didn't like the ride."
He turned to me with shock. I pressed my lips together trying not to laugh.
I purposefully stared out of the window to distract myself from what could possibly come next, that's when he surprised the hell out of me.
"Yeah, you didn't like it four times."
I stared at him with shock, a little confused.
"When was that?" I snapped. He laughed and looked at me trying to search for any sign I really didn't remember.
"After Jessica's party?"
I frowned; I was drunk everything was hazy. I remembered the night . . . but . . . four times? Was I that drunk?
"I guess it wasn't anything worth remembering then," I smiled not looking at him.
He laughed louder. "You're impossible."
Suddenly we were turning the corner onto my block, and even if the conversation wasn't deep and meaningful, it felt good to talk with him about anything, even sex! Whatever! Just to have him talk to me again was worth it.
He pulled into my driveway and turn off the engine. I had a small smile on face. It was so sad to have this to end, because I knew would go back to ignoring me tomorrow.
"Well . . . thanks for the ride," I said taking my seat belt off; he nodded looking at me in appreciation.
"I guess . . . I'll see you around?" I continued. He rolled his eyes and laughed, I frowned.
"Bye," he called.
"Bye." And then he was off.
Think positive Bella. Maybe he won't completely ignore you tomorrow.
But tomorrow was the same . . . we shared classes and we didn't talk.
He was so predictable. He would never change. I can't believe I thought he would or even could.
So the days rolled on. James and I continued to be friends. Alice and Jasper loved hanging out with us and vice versa. One night, Alice invited Blue-eyes and I over for movies.
We watched Diamond Blood which never gets old, thank you very much. I mean watching Leonardo DiCaprio running with a muscle shirt? Naahh . . .
Even though I knew the whole movie and the ending, I could feel my eyes starting to prickle from unshed tears. I snuggled a little closer to James, the blanket wrapping us both, while Alice and Jasper were cuddled together on the other sofa with another blanket over them.
I watched Leo say goodbye and, as usual, I cried.
Jasper was really enjoying the movie which he had never seen before, and was staring open-mouthed at the television.
"So what? He dies?" Jasper asked mortified.
"Nooo! He's going on a vacation!" James spat sarcastically which sent all of us into a fit of laugher. Well, except for Jasper, who was genuinely horrified by the movie.
That's when the door opened and Edward walked in with his keys in his hands. He stopped and stared at the scene in living room and his eyes settled on me. I moved away from James a little, which didn't go unnoticed by either one of them, and then Edward's eyes went to Alice.
"Hey," I heard her say but my eyes were glued on him.
"Hey," he responded after awhile. "Jasper," he greeted and I could hear the tone. Jasper shifted with an uncomfortable look on his face.
"Hey man, we're just watching a movie."
"Join us!" Alice said.
I prayed to all the gods above he wouldn't. I felt like killing Alice right now.
And then Edward's eyes shifted back to me and saw how uncomfortable I was.
"I think I will," he nodded with a smooth grin.
My eyes turned back to the screen. Jasper had rewound to watch Leo say goodbye again.
"Why does he always die?" Jasper asked breaking the tension.
Edward sat on the floor by Alice and Jasper's couch.
Edward's POV:
Damn Alice! Not only did I have to watch 'them' everywhere at school but she had to bring 'them' home as well?
Was she insane?
Did she really not care for me at all?
And Jasper – THAT TRAITOR!
But because I knew Bella was uncomfortable being here when I was around I stayed, just because I liked to make her squirm and shudder in my presence.
But I couldn't take it anymore, his arm was wrapped around her shoulders and they were practically on top of each other wrapped up in a blanket. And I didn't know what was going on underneath.
I remember my adventures with Bella underneath a blanket.
With a crowded room or not.
Never stopped me before.
We were watching a movie on our oversized flat screen TV in the living room. I was getting extremely bored. But Rosalie and Emmett seemed to be watching the movie in appreciation. Emmett was having more fun than Rosalie though. I watched how she brushed her hand in his hair in a loving way, she really liked the guy.
Big surprise there.
Alice and Jasper were caught up in the movie. I knew Jasper was a TV junkie so he was glued to the screen and Alice enjoyed it because he did.
I, on the other hand, was bored out of my mind. I didn't like chick flicks.
Bella was snuggled close to me wrapped up in her blanket with both her knees tucked under her chest and she was glued to the screen too. I guess Pearl Harbor never gets old.
But I was b-o-r-e-d. Oh and did I mention horny? Watching her biting her lower lip nervously sent my body in overdrive.
I put my arm around her to bring her closer. She gave me a quick look and then settled on the couch and focused back on the movie. I slipped her blanket around both of us.
Damn Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett . . . I wouldn't get her attention would I?
I had enough.
Slowly, I pushed my jean's zipper down under the blanket we shared. The whole time I just stared at her – she was so beautiful and sexy. I bit my lower lip and took her hand in mine; she looked at me for a second confused and gripped my hand tightly, while looking back at the screen.
But I had plans made for her delicate little hand. And sweetly holding hands with mine was not part of it. Oh, I wanted her to hold something alright.
Damn, I was so horny!
I brought her hand to my jeans and without warning pushed it underneath my boxers. She squirmed under my pressure and looked at me, I smirked at her wiggling my eyebrows suggestively. She frowned in alarm and shook her head 'no'.
I never liked to be told 'no'. Especially when I was so fucking horny.
She was reluctant but I took her hand and gently guided it back down to my already hard and throbbing member which only grew harder under her touch.
I slide her hand up and down, and she just looked at me with those gorgeous brown eyes and that blush creeping up on her cheeks that I loved so much. I smiled and winked reassuring her that everything would be okay and we wouldn't get caught.
I brought my other arm to wrap around her shoulders while the other one helped work her hand up and down on me.
She squirmed but I helped her set a rhythm that felt good.
Then I let her hand go and my free hand gripped the arm chair to so I could lie back and enjoy the sensation but I didn't have any time to because Bella pulled her hand away. I turned to glare at her but her gaze remained fixed on the movie.
Once again, I took her hand and brought it back to my length.
"Finish what you started," I whispered with a pleading look.
She glared at me in disbelief. I laughed and kissed her neck while she worked me.
I got excited, too excited.
I wouldn't be able to hold it or hold back plus I wanted her right then and there.
I took her hand away and really slowly pushed the zipper back up. I got up and took her hand but she didn't want to move.
"I want to see the movie," she mumbled with a frustrated sigh.
"C'mon," I pushed leading her to the nearest bathroom.
I was horrible.
Really horrible.
She giggled at some comment the douche bag made. That's it, I had enough. I got up and walked away without looking back. A drive was what I needed right now.
Bella's POV:
Surprisingly, nothing went wrong. We watched the last of the movie and Edward's attention was on the screen the whole time, maybe we could do this, maybe the thought of hanging out with all of us together wasn't so bad for him.
For me.
Maybe we could be friends again.
Like we were once.
That was until Edward got up and walked out slamming the door behind him. We all exchanged confused looks but shrugged our shoulders and settled back to watch the credits.
Blue-eyes and I headed home after thanking and saying good-bye to Alice and Jasper. I still had some work to do and had no time to worry about Edward. He was such a child.
Edward's POV:
When I came back home I was glad to see the living room empty and no signs of 'unwanted' visitors anywhere.
"Edward," Alice called from behind me. I inwardly groaned, I was not in the mood to deal with anyone, especially her.
"Not now Alice," I snapped a little too harshly as I took a step for the stairs.
"No, Edward! Wait! What's going on with you? Care to explain why you stormed out like that today?" she grabbed my shoulder and spun me around. Alice stood there staring at me, hands on hips waiting for some type of explanation.
She has some nerve!
"What did you expect?" I snapped. "That I'd sit around and watch you guys have an orgy or something?" Her eyes widened at that statement. "You wanted me to be your audience? What did you really expect Alice? That I'd sit around in my house in my living room watching my movie on my TV while my ex-girlfriend is WHORING AROUND WITH MY SISTER?" I screamed as she took a step back.
"Stop it! I thought we could be decent to each other. Be friends at least! And she's not whoring around."
I laughed cruelly.
"Friends? FUCK THAT ALICE! You wanted me to watch Bella with someone else, watch her sit on someone else's lap, cuddle with someone else under a blanket and . . . what? Be cool with it?"
"Is this what this is all about? The fact that you're jealous!?"
"This is about how my sister has the nerve to bring my ex-girlfriend to my house with her new toy! This is about how you betrayed me Alice!"
Alice didn't move, just stared at me in wide-eyed disbelief. I could see she was starting to cry.
I continued. "So what? You're hanging out with them now? And you have the BALLS TO BRING HER BACK HERE?"
I had to let it out, and I was glad I finally could.
Tears streamed down her face, but I didn't care.
"Edward, can you meet me up my office, please?" Carlisle's smooth voice broke into the room. Of course he hadn't noticed our little brother-and-sister exchange. Alice turned around and wiped her tears before Carlisle could see them.
I turned around and walked up the stairs. Though dealing with Carlisle now was not something I wanted to do I guess I would have to endure it. I was tired of being upset tonight.
I stared in amusement at Carlisle wondering what the hell was on his mind. I saw him leaning back in his chair. There was a dirty blonde-haired woman that didn't look too old sitting across from him; she looked to be in her early-40's or late-30's. It was hard to tell.
One thing I could see is that she was nervous. In fact, she seemed to be shaking. Her eyes were turned down.
"What's going on?" I asked rudely, not in the mood for Carlisle's mental games.
"Edward, sit down please," Carlisle asked in his most decent voice. I knew better. I had learned a long time ago that it was a disguise and he meant he really wanted me to follow his orders and be quiet.
"I think I'd rather stand," I'd replied coolly.
"Please Edward!" he said in a stern voice. I looked at him menacingly while I crossed my arms against my chest in defiance.
"It's okay Carlisle, really," the woman whispered. I glared at her even though I didn't know what she was doing here but I sensed it couldn't be good.
I looked back at Carlisle who was glaring right back at me. He looked pretty pissed but he took a deep breathe before speaking.
"Edward, so . . . you knew that my traveling consisted in finding your . . ."
I cut him before he could finish that sentence. We were NOT having this conversation.
"My nothing!" I spat harshly not caring if this woman heard me.
He ignored my words speaking over my raised tone.
"Well, I thought we had a hold of him instead it turned out to be a misunderstanding. I mean we did find . . . information but . . . well Edward, apparently he passed away awhile back. I'm sorry." Carlisle's voice had dropped to a gentle whisper.
I shifted my weight.
I did not care.
Did not!
I didn't know him so . . .
Carlisle looked at me expectantly. He was waiting for me to say something, when I didn't he just sighed.
"There's more," he continued nervously as his gaze shifted towards the woman sitting quietly. I narrowed my eyes and sneered. I could feel a knot of rage in my stomach starting to form.
"We went to his house, searched the place and found some contact numbers and . . . pictures and other items . . . and well . . . Elizabeth," he nodded to the women. ". . . we found her address and well . . ."
I stopped him right there. This is ridiculous. Was there a point to this game of his?
To be honest, I did not have a good feeling and did not want to learn more.
"And then what Carlisle? You found a good lay? I don't see your point," I snapped harshly.
Carlisle stood up slamming his fists on the desk. The mystery woman jumped slightly and looked away.
"Edward! I will not allow you to speak like that, you know better," but I ignored him.
"What. Do. You. Want. From. Me. What?" I wanted to know what the hell this was about. "Why did you feel the need to bring . . . Masen's . . ." I spat the name as harshly as I could, "trash back to our house?!?!"
"EDWARD!!"
"Why did bring this woman here!!??" I snapped.
At that moment, the woman rose with tears in her eyes and small smile. Carlisle and I looked at her and stopped arguing.
"Hi Edward. I'm Elizabeth. How are you?" she tried not to quiver but it was useless.
"Fine! I was just fine until you showed up!!" The woman looked confused. She looked quizzically back and forth between Carlisle and I.
"Didn't you tell him, Mr. Cullen?"
"No, he didn't tell me anything! And I don't want to hear anything. What right do you have to fuck up my life!?" I snapped with every inch of hatred and anger I felt at that moment for everything wrong in my life.
I had already realized the truth of course. I didn't need words confirm she was my biological mother, I figured that out before he told me she was Masen's friend. I realized the truth the minute I stepped into his god-damn office!
"Edward, please . . . ?" she begged and tried to take a step forward but I stepped back as if burned.
"Please what? Please understand? Please forgive you? Please accept you? Please forget that you never remembered you had a son!!??" I said through gritted teeth.
"Edward!" Carlisle cried out as the woman let out a sob.
"No Ma'am! You're mistaken! If you ever had a son, you're looking for him in the wrong place!" I yelled through her sobs and Carlisle's smooth voice trying to calm me down. "PLEASE forget about me, I've already forgotten YOU!"
With those parting words, I stormed off slamming the door HARD behind me. I ran out of the house ignoring Alice's and Esme's cries for me to come back. Instead, I stormed off, jumping into my car and driving off to the only place I could ever find peace.
To the only place I never felt abandoned.
To the only place I felt safe.
To the only arms I wanted wrapped around me.
Driving towards my sanctuary, I thought about everything that had happened in Carlisle's office. He had no right to do this to me; how could he have ever thought to put me through that situation ever again! Yes, he gave me a home, family, money, he even loved me despite our disagreements. He couldn't just take away everything from me and expect me to take it lightly.
We had our problems but . . . that woman, Elizabeth . . .
She had another thing coming if she thought she could just appear back into my life and expect me to call her 'mommy'.
I pulled up in front of Bella's house. I knew she would be home, probably studying for her big test tomorrow. The irony of the situation wasn't lost on me, five months ago she and I would have been enjoying countless bouts of steamy sex in every position we could muster while we 'studied.' God, I missed that, I missed HER. I missed the heat of her body over and under mine, I missed her soft moans as she came, I missed how she could make my breath erratic with just a soft touch . . .
I missed her in all ways possible, but tonight . . . just for now I missed her body intertwined with mine.
Tonight and for now, I needed release.
Tonight I couldn't drown my sorrows in alcohol; there wasn't enough Vodka or Tequila that could burn my thoughts away, so I might as well burn with her . . . in her! She was the only one who could help me.
I tried the front door to find it unlocked. I stepped inside and saw her having ice cream in her kitchen, she saw me and frowned. I remember when seeing me would make her smile. I missed her so much.
"Edward?"
I closed the door behind me and walked toward her, running a hand through my messy hair.
"What's wrong?" she asked. She could always tell when something was wrong. She put her spoon down and looked at me in concern.
"I . . . Bella . . . I can't do this . . . I . . ." I stumbled over my words that's as I took a step closer. Why couldn't I say what I felt? Because I couldn't. Because I was never very good with words, I was much better with my hands.
Expressing over explaining.
She took my hands in hers so I would stop shaking. Wait! When did I start shaking?
I drank her in! She was a vision and was glad to see she was getting ready for bed wearing only a pair of skimpy black boy shorts and a baggy pink t-shirt.
"What's going on Edward!? You're scaring me," she shook my hands so she could look into my eyes, but I was having a hard time. I licked my lips unconsciously as I pulled her a bit closer. She panicked and dropped my hands to push her palms against my shoulders. I quickly wrapped my arms around her and snuggled my face closer to her, working my way up and down her delicate throat and burying my nose in her hair taking in her scent.
"Edward," she whispered.
"I need you Bella," I whispered hotly into her ear. My mouth fell to her exposed neck – so tempting, so delicious!
My lips, teeth and tongue trailed light kisses all over her neck. Mmm - tugging, sucking and nibbling in all her sensitive places. I knew I'd leave marks. She groaned as I worked up to her jaw line, all the while she kept trying to push me away.
I kept kissing her and walked her back until she hit the kitchen counter trapping her against my body. I gently crushed her against the counter to try and prevent her from escaping me.
"Edward, no . . ." she whispered.
And just because I didn't like being told 'no' or maybe because I felt like I could; I crashed my lips onto hers. I caught her upper lip with my own pulling away breathing heavily. I was afraid I couldn't hold back after this.
Her lips were just like I remembered, sweet and soft, they looked red and slightly swollen from my kiss . . . they looked perfect. God, I've missed her so much for so long.
Her eyes were closed and she was anticipating my next move. This time I kissed her roughly not waiting for any more permission. She parted her mouth to say something as my tongue swept over her lips slowly. I seized the opportunity and ravished her, moving her lips along with my own whether she was willing or not.
This time I was too far gone to care.
I molded her body into mine and used my hands to lift her onto the counter.
She let out a loud groan exciting me further.
I wanted her, and I wanted her now.
I couldn't wait.
My hands gripped her hips tightly. I did not mean to be so rough but tonight I was so needy. I wanted to lose myself in Bella. She always made me feel whole.
Flashes of that woman daring to try to come back into my life without permission went through my mind.
I bit her bottom lip as my tongue darted in and out of her mouth exploring every inch I knew by heart but had been denied these last months. She tried to pull away breathing heavily but I didn't let her and with my hand on her neck pulled her closer to try and deepen the kisses.
"Edward, don't . . ." she muffled against me.
My other hand traveled to her shorts, thanking all the god's above that wore so little when it came to sleeping because tonight I wouldn't be able to help myself. Someone up there definitely loved me, at least a little.
My hand worked its way underneath the cotton material and pushed all the way to the flesh of her ass. I worked my hungry hand in circles trying to feel every inch of her.
Carlisle's menacing voice telling me what to do echoed in the back of my head
Bella was emphatic as she put a hand on my chest to try and stop me. I didn't want to stop; I leaned down so my chest was crushing against her so she was unable to move.
"Edward! Edward! Stop!" she pleaded.
I shushed her, kissing her fiercely. I knew I should pull away but I couldn't.
"You're hurting me!" she groaned turning her head away to get away from my mouth.
'Stop Edward! Stop,' my mind screamed.
I didn't.
My body chose to stay with Bella.
My hand tried to tug down her shorts and she pushed me off, hard.
I didn't resist. What the hell was I thinking? Okay, I wasn't thinking. It hurt to think.
Breathing heavily, I leaned against the stove across from her, looking down. I couldn't look at her knowing she was probably red from my hard touch and bruising lips. So instead of meeting her eyes which were probably welling up with tears, I stared down at the floor in shame.
"Why can't you just talk to me?" her voice broke.
I remained quiet.
"Why do you always have to do this to me?" she cried. That's when I looked up and . . . it . . . stung . . . it . . . hurt. It hurt to watch how much I had hurt someone I love. It hurt to know I had fucked up again. Tears were falling freely down her face.
When had she started crying?
With a sob, she pushed her shirt down, I hadn't even realized I'd tried to take it off, and straightened her shorts.
"So . . . what? Are you done? Or would you like to grope me a little bit more?" she asked casually trying to calm her sobs and jumping down from the counter. I looked away. I was not only angry, bruised and rejected but I was heart-broken to see my Bella flinch in anger and pain because of me.
"God, Edward! What is wrong with you!?" she snapped. I didn't move from my spot.
Why does everything bad happen to me?
Carlisle.
Masen.
Elizabeth.
Bella.
James.
Damn! I was losing it. Losing everything. I felt out of control of my own life.
"I'm sorry" I mumbled with restrained anger.
I didn't find release after all. In fact, I felt worse.
"Huh? What was that? You're sorry?" she said, her words breaking in a whisper. "Geez, I have a hard time believing you," she snapped.
I turned to look at her then to how badly I'd messed up this time?
Her eyes confirmed my thoughts, there was no going back.
"Why couldn't you ever talk to me? Whether were together or NOT!" she cried putting her hands on her face. "Why couldn't you ever LET ME IN!!" she walked up to me and pummeled me with her small fists. I stood there and took every hit, I knew I deserved it.
Unconsciously I wrapped my arms around this small, beautiful creature that was breaking before me. Her legs buckled slightly and she almost fell but I caught her, taking her in my arms while she broke into a fit of uncontrollable sobs and cries.
Surprisingly she let me hold her in my arms, she let me stay close, she let me comfort her while she cried at the mess I had once again made. She was crying because of me . . . for me.
"Bella, I'm so sorry," I whispered, allowing my emotions to show. I wanted her to know that what I was feeling was genuine. "I didn't mean for any of this to happen."
'Oh? That's a big fat lie, Edward' cried my subconscious.
'Shut up!' I yelled back.
I needed to be what I said to be true, I needed to believe my own words because I couldn't stand the thought of hurting Bella any more than I already had in any kind of way.
I hugged her close once again and gently tugged at chin to look at me. I tried to give her a bit of space but remained close with my arms resting lightly on each side of her body trying as close as possible, as close as she'd let me.
She put her hands in her face like she had many times before when she didn't want me to see her cry. Of course, it was a useless gesture; I've seen her cry – far too many times in fact. Not for the first time, I wondered what was wrong with me. Why did I hurt someone I loved so much?
"I'm sorry if I hurt you Bella."
She held up her hand. "You could never trust me" she whispered. This took me by surprise. "With anything, at all," she continued.
I shook my head 'no'. I saw how defeated looked, and I didn't like that. Bella was the only one that believed in me, the only one that saw me and accepted me for who I was. I did trust her – with my life. Was she giving up on me?
No, not her.
I could accept it from Carlisle and my family, but not Bella.
Not Bella.
'Say something Edward! Say something you fucking idiot! You're losing her.'
That's when it hit me; she wasn't mine to lose. Not anymore.
I'd lost her along time ago.
"Bella . . ."
"No, don't say anything please," she gave me a sad smile brushing her fingers over my cheek gently.
"Wait, I'm so sorry, please forgive me. Let's just start over! Please Bella! I need you," I tried not to sound desperate, not to let my emotions show . . . I couldn't break, not in front of her. "Let's just . . . pretend this never happened! Please!" I begged taking her face with my hands carefully so she wouldn't back or flinch away, she didn't.
I laid my forehead against hers as I looked deeply into her tear-filled eyes. I tried to convey what I was feeling. For the first time in my life, I was genuinely scared.
"I'm the biggest asshole in the world, but I can't be anything, not even an asshole if you're not with me. I'm just not strong enough to go on without you, Bella please!!" I begged slightly hysterically.
I was really losing it. Losing that famous self-control, that façade that I kept over my emotions.
"Please please . . . give me another chance, please! Let's start over!"
She continued to cry silently while shaking her head 'no' and it hurt. It felt as if my heart had been pierced with a thousand knives. I was starting to not be able to feel my limbs. There was an unfamiliar coldness settling into the pit of my stomach. My throat was starting to close up.
"No" she finally said softly and quietly not looking into my eyes. The room was silent, it felt as if all of the air had been sucked out of the room.
"Bella, listen to me okay? Let's just start over! None of this has happened! HELL THE LAST YEAR HASN'T HAPPENED!" I continued nervously fearing it may be too late.
She cried letting out a sob from her parted lips.
I dropped to my knees and her eyes widened..
"I'm begging on my knees for forgiveness Bella. Please Bella."
She stared at me with sadness and disbelief.
"You're on your knees?" she asked in a small voice and I nodded with a laugh.
"I might as well try it. I plan on being here when I ask you to marry me. Only you can bring me to my knees Bella, only you," I let out a nervous laugh and she sobbed harder. She had to know that she was the only one for me and that of course I wanted to marry her. It had always and will always be her – only Bella.
Always her.
Always.
"No, we can't do this," she said. I rose up determined to let her know how in love I was with her. I didn't just love her, I was IN LOVE with Bella.
"Let's go back to the beginning? Like the very first time we met!" I was eager and desperate, waiting for reassurance but she looked down not saying anything.
"Hey, I'm Edward Cullen!" I smiled, extending my hand ready for her to accept it. To accept me.
She stared at my hand for the longest time, and slowly her eyes drifted up to my face. Then she quietly said the words that knocked the wind out of me, shocking me to my very core.
"I don't talk to strangers."
Silence.
The world stopped spinning in that instant.
I don't talk to strangers.
I died. Right. Then. And. There.
My smile fell and I stumbled back my eyes never leaving hers. I literally couldn't breathe. I had to get out of there. What had I done?
And I turned and made my way somehow back to my car. She didn't want me.
I lost. I lost her.
Again.
I didn't know how to lose though. I couldn't, no wouldn't, accept this. What have I done?
So, I drowned my sorrows in alcohol like I should have done the first time.
Bella's POV:
I had wanted him tonight, I had. I'm nothing if not honest.
I had wanted his lips on my own, his chest pressing down on me urging me to follow his lead; I had wanted that – all of it. I had wanted his slightly rough touch to reach out and caress me with needy passion, and my feelings nearly got the best of me. I had misinterpreted what I thought was passion with aggression, that's why that little interlude had lasted longer than it should have.
I thought it was only a rush desire that was feeding us both.
Granted, his movements haven't always been sweet and tender, but this time there was something else behind it. When he walked into my house and grabbed me like that, I thought it was some old feelings fueling him, reminding him our time together was precious.
But no . . . again I was wrong.
It was only his desire; it was only his selfishness, his need for release that wanted to claim my body tonight. It was, as usual, about him.
I saw the red eyes and bags under his eyes, fists clenched and messy hair. All the characteristics that told me something was wrong – I knew him too well. But I thought it was because he needed me. Which he did but not for the right reasons. And I was tired of being used.
I cried after he left. I couldn't believe I had said those words. It was like an out-of-body experience: I could see myself but I wasn't there. I didn't want him to leave but I didn't want the stranger in front of me either. Starting over wasn't as easy as a handshake and an introduction, why didn't Edward see that? You can't just pretend things don't happen, you can't sweep problems under a rug.
I was torn, confused and broken, and in that moment I knew it was the right thing to say.
So I cried. I cried because I missed him.
"Bella?"
In that moment, I needed a distraction.
I wanted to forget.
I cried because he wasn't here with me.
"Bella, are you okay?"
But James – my blue-eyed knight – was.
So I clung to him, I hugged him, and I kissed him.
And this was new, it was fresh, it was safe, and this I could do.
Only it wasn't what I really wanted. I wanted Edward.
Edward's POV:
I drove, to the cliffs, to La Push, to the beach, to the forest, to Port Angeles and then back to Forks. All the alcohol in the world couldn't erase what had happened. All the fast driving in the world wouldn't take the pain away.
I was in limbo. I was torn.
My mind screamed for me to go back and not take 'no' for an answer; it wasn't over! My mind screamed for me to get my shit together and admit what I had done was wrong, it screamed for me to crawl on my knees, if I had to, and ask, no beg, for forgiveness.
I sat on the hood of my Volvo with a beer hanging loosely from my hand . . . oh no wait . . . it had slipped onto the ground. I have no idea when that happened.
Damn.
My mind was screaming for me to go back there and make it better. Make it right.
So what was stopping me?
I could do this. I was going to do this right this time.
I sped off to her favorite flower shop praying that it was still open. I grinned in relief when I found Mrs. Coppe just closing up.
After I got down on my knees and begged the lovely Mrs. Coppe (well, I might as well get use to being in that position) to take a few minutes and sell me some flowers she gave up with a laugh.
I picked lilies, Bella's favorite, muttering a 'thank you' with a wide smile.
Hopefully this would work as I planned.
Bella was the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and I wasn't joking when I told her that someday I'd marry her. The truth was she could be apart from all she wanted to and for as long as she pleased, but I'd come back to her, always . . . she was the one. I would never want or accept anyone else.
I parked my car on the street running up to her door with my flowers in my hand I was about to knock on the door but snuck a peek through her window to see if she was still up. The sight before me stopped me cold.
There she was; the girl I know I'll be marrying, taking off that baggy pink shirt I had tried to force off earlier. She was on her couch letting lips that weren't mine ravishing her own. Her hands were running through his hair as his tongue invaded hers. My heart clenched.
For the second time in one night, I died.
I stood a step back not really seeing anything – I literally couldn't see anything.
He took his shirt off and wrapped his arm around her waist pulling her closer, like I had desperately needed to do that night. But he was gentle and slow, caressing her arms. Kissing her slowly and sweetly, like she was made of delicate glass and might break.
I stood back taking my flowers with me. I knew someone else who might want them.
Alice.
Another mistake I needed to correct.
Bella's POV:
Edward was on my mind the whole time, his eyes, his touch, his mouth, and it just wouldn't go away.
Blue-eyes pulled me closer to his body. He was so sweet, tender and gentle. His kisses were so different from Edward's. I have to admit that he made me feel cherished. But I still couldn't do it and I pulled away because I didn't want to feel another man who was not my Edward
"I can't" I choked out.
"Bella what's wrong?" he asked as he held my face in his hands.
"I can't do this with you . . . to you," I pulled away from his touch. I felt disgusted with myself.
"Bella?"
I got up and pulled my shirt on.
"I've been using you, all this time . . . to get away from Edward," I announced, his eyes narrowed and he sighed but he didn't seemed surprise somehow.
"Bella, look . . ."
"I used you James, and I was about to use you again right now for all the wrong reasons," I admitted. I waited for him to yell at me but my Blue-eyes surprised me once again.
"That's fine! USE ME! PLEASE! USE ME!" he laughed. I rolled my eyes and turned away I was not in the mood for laughter tonight, I really was hurting. Blue-eyes couldn't be like this, he couldn't be nice to me. Not after what I had done and how I had behaved. It was as bad as Edward.
"Trust me I'd be willing to . . ." he continued, I could hear the smile in his voice. This guy is unbelievable. I spun around to look at him.
"I'm sorry!" I blurted out before he could say anything else; I needed him to be mad at me this time.
He sighed dramatically and got up shrugging into his shirt.
"Baby, its fine," he promised brushing his hand on my shoulders. "I was just trying to be what you needed and what you need is a friend. You and I will always be friends, no matter what okay? So use me if you need too, I'll always be here. I trust you and appreciate your honesty and being just friends is fine with me. I've been where you are and I'll be what you need," he pulled me close, hugging me, and I let him.
What I needed was Edward Cullen.
*****
Author's Note: im not giving up on this story so if anyone is interested so am I :D im very sorry for not updating like before, but it takes some kind of work with the chapters :S