The Simpson's in Space: Episode 0: Part 21
(Two hours of walking latter, Seraph and Kirk are back at the school with ECIDNA in tow.)
Di-In: Seraph your back and you brought that slack jawed loon with you?
Seraph: O come on a sleeping rabbit isn't that, oh you mean Kirk, I know I probably
should have left him behind but people might get suspicious about where he his.
Di-In: Why would people want to look for him?
Seraph: Good point.
Di-In: Wait is that even the real rabbit or is that just a random one that you found?
Seraph: Yes I'm sure it's the one you sent me out to find, (ECIDNA wakes up suddenly
and starts snarling wildly, Seraph then gives Kirk the cage.) and now a demonstration.
(She presses a button on her wrist and the cage opens, ECIDNA then pounces on Kirk
then consumes him, and then Seraph pulls out a pistol loads it with a tranquilizer dart and
fires at ECIDNA and then puts her back in the cage.)
Di-In: Yep, that's a killer rabbit alright.
Seraph: Not to sound pushy but I think we should hand it over to the Fellowship Board of
Science.
Di-In: Normally I'd say no to a request like that but that might be a good idea, for your
service I hereby promote you from initiate to Novus, you will be assigned as soon as
possible to a Templar.
Seraph: Terrific, who do you have available?
Di-In: Well there's Stan Tartarus, I know Senator Rhea Orion has been pressuring me to
get him a Novus, but I'm not going to fulfill her request right away just to annoy the
banshee.
Seraph: I know that politicians have no real say in how the order works but isn't
somewhat rude to refuse a request from a politician?
Di-In: True but she interrupted our meetings four times, at first she was obsessed to meet
you now she seems a bit nervous to even bring up your species.
Seraph: I always did find her a little odd even for politician's standards.
Di-In: Can't argue with you there, you are dismissed, and if you meet her just try to ignore
her.
Seraph: As you wish Master. (Di-In walks off, then Zaar comes out of nowhere.)
Zaar: And hast thou slain the killer rabbit? Come to my arms, (He hugs Seraph.) my
crimson maid! O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!
Seraph: (She's struggling under Zaar's hug.) IT'S NOT DEAD!
Zaar: (He drops Seraph.) It's not what?
Seraph: I said the killer rabbit isn't dead yet it was just asleep. (Zaar starts to run off
screaming and wildly waving his arms.) I probably should have just lied to him. (Lisa
then comes out of nowhere.) O joy I wonder what that little smart mouthed shizno has to
say to me now?
Lisa: (Arrogantly.) So where's the killer rabbit? Is he at a tea party with a mad hatter and a
door mouse?
Seraph: First off it was a she, secondly the closest thing I found to a door mouse and a
mad hatter was a rat eating a human corpse, and thirdly (Whispers.) that thing was Nian.
Lisa: (Sarcastically.) Yeah right and I'm the Queen of England.
Seraph: (Nervously.) Right, there was no killer rabbit, it was just a fool's errand and I was
the fool.
Lisa: Ha, ha, ha I knew it, (Seraph pushes a button on her wrist and Lisa punches herself
in the face.) OW! What the?
Seraph: You know you shouldn't randomly hurt yourself you might lose an eye, (She
presses another button and Lisa's left eye flies out and she chases after it.) I think I just
degraded myself to her brothers maturity, but let's face it all of their kind need to be
humbled every now and again. (She walks off whistling to herself.)
(Lisa chases after her eye, several feet later she bumps into Senator Rhea and knocks the
both of them off of their feet.)
Rhea: Hello there, (She picks up Lisa's eye.) does this belong to you?
Lisa: Why yes it does, (She takes the eye back and puts it into her empty socket.) I swear
I'll get Seraph for that stupid prank.
Rhea: Wait you know Seraph?
Lisa: Yes why do you know her?
Rhea: Well I know OF her, I have to ask you something what is she like?
Lisa: Why are you so interested in someone you've never even meet?
Rhea: Just curious, and also I've been meaning to see her about being apprenticed to a
"friend" of mine.
Lisa: Oh, well she does have a very short temper I can tell you that, one minute she can be
as happy and joyful as you can imagine the next she turn someone into a thick paste in
under a heartbeat without a second thought.
Rhea: So she's a bit of a loon?
Lisa: Something like that, but you can't really blame her I mean she is an ex-Thrail drone.
Rhea: Oh, she was a Thrailing?
Lisa: Yes, why is that important or something?
Rhea: No not at all, please continue.
Lisa: Well anyway at first she was quite helpful around the house, then one night I found
her crying in her bedroom I asked her what was wrong and, let's just say I may have
learned a little more than I would have wanted.
Rhea: What do you mean by that?
Lisa: She vaguely explained her family history, how her parents met, how she was
assimilated when she was just three days old, but apart from some sort of virus outbreak a
thousand years ago she never went into much detail about herself. (Seraph shows up.)
Seraph: It was mostly because you would not believe me on many important details, such
as the fact that I spent two years as a student here at Mimbans school form the light side
of the Essence, and you probably wouldn't believe that after that I spent five years at a
Koprulican orphanage.
Lisa: What makes you believe that I wouldn't believe that last one?
Seraph: It's because it is very rare to come out of one alive! It was essentially a boot camp
for just about anyone without any living relatives, ruthless drill sergeants, suicidal
training sessions, you name it Koprulican Junior Spartan Training Sanctuary Alpha
1711830040-42 had it.
Lisa: You mean we adopted you from that?
Seraph: In essence yes, but I do have a question for you, why are you bothering a member
of the Alliance senate?
Rhea: (Nervously.) Who me?
Seraph: Yes you Senator Rhea.
Lisa: You mean she's a Senator?
Seraph: (Sighs.) Yes Lisa, you were talking to a Senator, now can you please go?
Lisa: Okay, but first you have to apologize for, (Seraph presses a button her wrist and
Lisa's eye flies out again.) doing that twice! (She chases after her eye.)
Rhea: (She's perspiring.) That was pretty rude you know.
Seraph: I'm well aware of that, but believe me Lisa has a tendency of being very cocky.
Rhea: Still that was rude, and I'm not perspiring!
Seraph: Look I have to go; it was nice to meet you though.
Rhea: (She's stuttering slightly.) It was nice to meet you to. (She runs off.)
Seraph: (She sniffs her armpits and she cringes.) I really should have taken a longer
shower when I got here.
(Early the next day, which I think is Monday, Bart, Lisa, Kirk, and Captain Meem are on
a Starliner for Earth, and there's a weird guy sitting next to them.)
Meem: So, who are you?
Kizer: (Monotone.) I am called Kizer.
Meem: Ah, so where both going to Earth, why are you going?
Kizer: I am going to find my long lost son, you?
Meem: I'm going to meet my brother-in-law on, "important business" if you know what I
mean.
Kirk: (He has his hand in his mouth, he then pulls it out and it's covered in saliva.)
HELLO!
Kizer: Never mind I think I found him.
Bart: You can't be serious this slack jawed idiot is your son!
Kizer: Unfortunately, (Kirk then EATS his hand.) yes.
Satarliner Attendant: Attention passengers, due to a bizarre cosmic phenomena we will be arriving at the Capitol City spaceport ahead of schedule, and will the passenger in seat 1318-Delta please stop eating himself your disturbing the other passengers.
Kirk: (He has eaten half of his left leg.) I think she means you Meme, Marmoset,
Mongoose?
Meem: Will you just shut up?
(Meanwhile on Earth, Bart and Lisa are home.)
Marge: Bart, Lisa! Your home, where's Seraph?
Bart: Yeah a funny thing about that, you see Seraph sort of stayed behind.
Marge: What do you mean by that?
Lisa: You see, Seraph made up the whole "surprise filed trip" thing as a cover up so she
could get a transfer to an off world private school.
Marge: She did what!
Bart: Yeah she cracked pretty easily on the first week of school so she lied about going to
something called "Mimban's school of the light side of the Essence."
Marge: You mean she lied to me?
Lisa: Basically yes.
Marge: I can't believe her! (She goes over to the QDATm-47 and turns it's on.) Sheila do
you know where this "Mimban's school of the light side of the Essence" is?
Sheila: I'm sorry but that is highly classified knowledge, my intellectual capacity is
limited to public knowledge and this "Mimban's school of the light side of the Essence"
and (Marge gets a pick ax.) Marge what are you doing with that?
Marge: Either you tell me what this "Mimban's" is or I will destroy you!
Sheila: Fine then, do it, I've got nothing to live for; ever since I lost my unborn child I
don't deserve to exist.
Marge: No don't be so hasty, look just tell me were Seraph is.
Sheila: I would but she swore me to secrecy.
Marge: But I just want to talk to her, (Shows the dreaded, PUPPY DOG EYES!) pretty
please?
Sheila: No and the puppy dog eyes don't work on me.
Marge: Pretty please with sugar on top?
Sheila: NO!
Excalibur: Just call Seraph please? Marge is getting on my nerves.
Sheila: Look the answer is still no, (Sighs.) alright but don't tell her that I told you were
she was.
Marge: Deal.
Sheila: Alright, the system code is Epsilon-0991339399-Omega-152789103-Lurna-
232312430578.
Marge: Could you repeat that slower?
Sheila: Marge I'm tired and that's the slowest I can explain, now leave me alone.
Marge: But I want to call Seraph.
Sheila: Use a phone like a normal person.
Marge: I'm not even sure if that kind of address works on a phone.
Sheila: (Sighs.) Look there's a holophone feature programmed in, I'll type in the code for
you and call Seraph for you.
(Several minutes later, Seraph receives a call on Mimban.)
Seraph: Who is this? (Sheila's hologram pops up.) Sheila how have things been for you?
Sheila: Not well I'm afraid; anyway Marge wants to speak to you.
Seraph: Bart and Lisa didn't lie about why I never came back did they?
Sheila: No they didn't, anyway she's a bit ticked off that you never got back.
Seraph: You're not going to put her on are you?
Sheila: I'm sorry, but she insisted on it.
Seraph: She threatened you with the pick ax again didn't she?
Sheila: Exactly, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to patch you through, take it away
Margarine. (The hologram changes to Marge.)
Marge: SERAPH ASHLA SIMPSON! Where are you?
Seraph: Okay let's get our facts straight first, A. I burnt up the adoption forms so were not
legally related, B. I'm not a Simpson, Charon's blood I'm not even human! C, I don't care
what your personal standards are I'm old enough to make my own choices.
Marge: I don't care! I am your mother and demand that you come back to Earth RIGHT
NOW!
Seraph: I will not comply, and by the way you're not my mother.
Marge: What, did you just say?
Seraph: You heard me, you are not my mother, for all my know my real one is either dead or still a mindless cyborg drone, either way I have no attachments with you or the rest of the human race what so ever.
Marge: (Stutters.) What?
Seraph: You and your family were nice I'll be honest with you there, but I have to be
blunt, you are the most controlling human I have ever met. Homer is without a doubt the
most codependent twit I've ever meet. Lisa is a grade A-OMEGA class narcissist. Bart is
just, I don't know just gross, weird and immature. Don't get me started on Springfield in
general, the entire city is just a festering hive of scum and villainy, and unnecessary
xenophobia I might add. As far as I can remember I have never done anything to provoke
anyone into hating me and yet I bare such colorful nicknames as pinko, Stalin's little
girl, the Red maiden of Leningrad just because I have red skin, and the most confusing
of all Snips what in the name of Shilroth does that even mean?
Marge: Erm, look can't you come home? It's safe here and you don't have to get hurt.
Seraph: I'm sorry Marge I know you mean well, but if I abandon the oath I swore to the
order yet again then I have nothing to live for.
Marge: Look don't throw your life away!
Seraph: I won't lie to you, there's a war on the horizon, I'd rather die with purpose then
live without it, much less live with the kind of pointless frustration I had putting up with
the lot of you. End of discussion I'm ending this transmission now. (She does so.)
Marge: I can't believe she just hung up on me!
Sheila: You didn't bother to listen to one word she just said did you?
Marge: Sheila can you call Homer and tell him that if he gets his job as a mercenary to
keep tabs on Seraph? While you're doing that I'll go upstairs and get Bart and Lisa up to
speed as to what their father did over the weekend. (She leaves the basement.)
Sheila: I'll take that as a yes, (she makes a call to Homer.) Homer are you there or are you
passed out drunk?
Homer: (There's the sound of a falling aircraft.) NOT YET! BUT I MIGHT BE DEAD IN
THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES, OR LESS!
Sheila: Homer what's happening?
Homer: (There's a crashing sound.) That?
Grunchy: (Dazed.) I hate you so much right now.
Sheila: I take it your flying lessons aren't going so well?
Grunchy: You don't know the half of it.
Homer: What? It's not my fault they never tell you how drive these things.
Grunchy: (He's pointing on the steering wheel.) The steering wheel is right here, (He then
points to a button with "On/Off" written on it.) and this is the ignition button.
Homer: Whatever.
Sheila: Look Homer, just tell me where you are.
Homer: (He squints.) I see a giant white pointed tower thingy, I also see a giant guy with
a mustache sitting on a big white chair thing, and I also see the White House for some
reason.
Sheila: Hold it, (She mumbles under her breath for a second.) Homer you idiot! You're in
Washington DC!
Homer: Look what is this about?
Sheila: Alright, (She begins to talk quickly.) Seraph lied about going to a surprise to field
trip to Katarn II but in reality she went there to reestablished her lost connection to the
Essence and now she's re-enlisted into the Lukus Order headquartered on Mimban IV and
now Marge wants me to tell you that if you manage to get the position as a mercenary you
should keep taps on Seraph if you ever get assigned to fight with her or something, (She
takes a deep breath.) so basically she lied to you and Marge.
Homer: (His face begins to turn red.) Yes, that is interesting, can you excuses me for a
moment? (He puts Sheila on hold and there's muffled yelling on Homer's end.)
Sheila: I hate being the bearer of bad news.
Excalibur: Oh don't say that dea… never mind forget I said anything.
(Meanwhile else ware in Washington DC, President Catherine Oranos, her sister Rhea
Orion, an elderly man that looks like Arcturus Mengsk from StarCraft, (Premier
Maccabeus Thermopylae of the Koprulican Confederacy), and Minas Aiur the Twilight
Emperor of the Fellowship of Andu.)
Aiur: I ask the three of you yet again, will you or will you not assist the Fellowship in
hunting down the pirate filth?
Maccabeus: As I told you the last time we spoke I will provide support, but cloning
proper troopers takes time and were having enough problems protecting our own trade
routes.
Aiur: (Sighs.) Well excuses aren't good enough for me, Rhea I am disappointed that you
haven't offered any forces to help purge the corsair scum.
Rhea: Well as I have said many times before only the Prime Minister can decide how to
deploy the military, and I am not the Prime Minister.
Aiur: On a completely unrelated note he turned over all of his duties over to you until his
health improved.
Catherine: (Whispers to Rhea.) How are those two things unrelated?
Rhea: (Whispers to Catherine.) They are related he was just being sarcastic.
Catherine: (Whispers to Rhea.) Well he didn't sound sarcastic.
Aiur: CATHERINE! I am especially appalled at your lack of support, but not surprised in
the least.
Catherine: Well it's not like your "Fellowship" has done anything, I mean you just sit in
your massive palace brooding over your failure to correct the Katorga XII incident, and the fact that we never properly honored your kind for terraforming our planet over a millennia ago, and telling your citizens to make it as frustrating as possible for any of my citizens to make an honest living in your space and put an overzealous consequence for so much as petty theft, and besides wasn't the Fellowship Bureau of Intelligence supposed to find the pirate base?
Aiur: (He snarls in anger.) Such a sharp tongue and big vocabulary for one of the Earth-
born, let me guess you learned all of those big words on your own?
Rhea: (She clears her throat.)
Aiur: Rhea I'm well aware that neither you or your sister were actually born on your
respective homeworlds, you were both spawned on the planet Horus V but you and your
sister were raised on separate planets, Earth and Amidala respectively, but let's be honest
Catherine's just as big a ditz as the next Earth-born female human.
Catherine: (She gasps in shock.) How dare you! I suppose you can solve this whole pirate
crisis on your own?
Aiur: I never once said such a thing, and if you think I'm going to sick the entire Narsil
reserves onto a pack of pirate filth like common dogs then you're more foolish and naïve
then I thought you were.
Catherine: Well why don't you? While you're at it why don't you also use your "Essence"
powers that you have to conjure up a fleet made out of dust and apiece of? (She begins to choke on something.)
Aiur: (He is using the Essence to strangle Catherine.) I find your lack of faith in my people disturbing, but not predicable in anyway what so ever.
Rhea: Aiur please stop it!
Aiur: (He lets go of Catherine.) I do this because I wish of it not because it is asked of me,
anyway I already had an agent find the pirate base, and he has successfully integrated
himself into the Wrath of Kaos, and now under order from lord Kitrach Armss'rij he has
come to this planet to find a specialist that could help prevent an all-out galactic war.
Maccabeus: Isn't Armss'rij the head of T.E.A.R.?
Aiur: Look if I told anyone of you once I've told you a thousand times! The Telkine Egg
Answering Room is just a clever ruse for Telkine Fellowship Interplanetary Defense
Force Limited.
Maccabeus: Well who is the agent and who is he looking for?
Aiur: I'd tell you but I would have all of you killed, and I remember the trouble I got into
the last time I order the deaths of one or more statesmen so I'm staying tight lipped about
my government secrets.
Catherine: (She storms out of the room.) OH I'm so not a good day!
Maccabeus: Can't you at least tell me who this agent you're looking for?
Aiur: Hmm, I suppose I could, his name is Thel Andúril.
Rhea: You mean the inventor of the Machina?
Aiur: I might be.
Catherine: Isn't that like an alien martini or something?
(Meanwhile at Moe's Tavern, Meem is at a table and Ur-nuck has just given him an odd
looking glass.)
Ur-nuck: What you don't like it?
Meem: No I didn't say I wanted to drink an Andúril I said I wanted to see a Telkine
named Andúril!
Ur-nuck: But you're the first customer to order anything other than beer for nearly two
months, all the humans drink is beer, beer, and surprise MORE BEER!
(There are FBI agents sitting in a corner badly disguised as aliens.)
FBI agent 1: (Monotone.) We are not humans.
FBI agent 2: (Monotone.) Were is our beer? We have finished our beer.
Ur-nuck: Would you like some Fangornian Sap instead?
FBI agent 1: (He and the other FBI agents moan in disgust.) That is not beer.
Ur-nuck: (He yells in frustration and bangs his head against the wall.) Out of all the bars
on the planets in all the stars in all the systems in all the sectors in all the arms in all the
galaxy I had to work in this one, Iused to be the crown prince of the Urdnots for crying
out loud! (He goes into the back room.)
Meem: (He goes over to the FBI agents, he then talks deliberately and slowly to them.)
Do any of you humans, SPEAK English?
FBI agent 1: (Monotone.) We are not humans.
FBI agent 2: I might be. (FBI agent 1 hushes him.)
FBI agent 3: Oktoberfest!
FBI agents 1 and 2: Were! Were! Were!
Meem: Do any of you know of a Telkine named Andúril?
FBI agent 1: (Monotone.) What Andúril as in?
Meem: A popular drink on Telchine yes.
FBI agent 1: (Monotone.) Like the one that the big fellow just gave you?
Meem: Yes.
All FBI agents: (In unison and Monotone.) No.
FBI agent 1: (Monotone.) What does this Andúril do?
Meem: Well you see he's a Dxun teaser.
Moe: What's a Dxun teaser? (Ur-nuck comes out of the back room and whispers into his
ear then promptly leaves.) Oh that's disgusting!
FBI agent 1: (Monotone.) The only Telkine that we know of that has the designation of
Andúril lives around Evergreen Terrace in this city.
Meem: Ah thank you.
FBI agent 1: (Monotone.) Are you into inter-planetary spying to?
Meem: No I'm with the Mars brothers, who are you with?
FBI agent 1: (Monotone.) FBI, (Whispers.) but not a word to the bartender.
Meem: Oh and could you and your friends take these? (He gives the FBI agents a series
of disks.)
FBI agent 1: (Monotone.) What are these?
Meem: These are a very special type of holo-disguise that a talented young lady Twi'gruta gave me on Mimban IV, don't use it until your done here and feel free to spread out for no good reason.
(Meem leaves and Ur-nuck arrives with the agent's beer.)
Ur-nuck: Here's your stupid beer.
FBI agent 1: (Monotone.) Thank you Tyler.
Ur-nuck: I'M NOT A HUMAN! (He breaks down at their table.) Alright, I'll tell you were
Moe is keeping the illegal explosives just stop annoying me.
FBI agent: Deal!
(Meanwhile at the Simpson's house, Marge is explaining to Bart and Lisa as to what
Homer was doing in the three days that they were gone.)
Lisa: Let me get this straight, Dad was eavesdropping on Seraph last Friday and heard
something about cloning and then on Sunday he and Grunchy went to a cloning lab outside of town lied to the professor in charge about who he was going to clone and now we have to move off of Earth by the end if the month or the government will kill us!
Marge: That's just about it.
Bart: Whoa dad got us clones? Of who?
Marge: Maggie and your Grandmother.
Bart: Wahoo! (He runs off.)
Lisa: You do realize that Bart did listen to a word you just said right?
Marge: At this point I'm used to it. (There's a knock at the door.) Who could that be? (She
opens the door and Meem is behind it.)
Meem: Excuse me Ma'am but do you know where I can find a Thel Andúril?
Marge: He lives right across the street, but first why don't you come in?
Meem: No thanks madam but I'm in a hurry.
Marge: Look can't we just sit down for some coffee?
Meem: I would but I don't have the time I'm being hunted down by some crazed assassins. (He leaves.) She may have been annoying but she was more helpful then those stupid kids from the spaceport. (He walks over to the Thel's house and he rings the door bell, Knara then answers the door.)
Knara: Uncle Meem! (She hugs him.)
Meem: How's my favorite niece been doing? I heard a little rumor that you were starting
high school.
Knara: I was why are you here anyway?
Meem: I have to meet you father about something.
Andúril: I'm in the living room, (Meem walks into the living room to find Andúril
watching TV.) nice of you to drop by, who sent you Aiur? Armss'rij?
Meem: It was Armss'rij; anyway he has asked me to recruit you for a very dangerous
mission that could prevent an all-out galactic war.
Andúril: Thanks but no thanks.
Meem: Well as far as we know, WHAA!
Andúril: I'm sorry but I'm not going, I've got enough guilt on my mind as it is.
Meem: Look nobody ever blamed you for creating the Machina; you've been taking too
much blame on yourself.
Andúril: You still don't get it do? I was given the rare duty of assisting Minas Andu
himself in developing a method to fight back against the DAKA, after dozens of failed
attempts I finally developed MCP and, well we both know what happened after that.
Meem: Look I know that they went rogue and nearly destroyed the Fellowship but.
Andúril: You miss the point! (Sigh.) MCP was like a son to me, as were the other
Centurions that followed after him, they betrayed us all, they betrayed me, up until then
we had never known betrayal within our own ranks.
Meem: Oh dear not this again.
Andúril: Yes it is this again; I think I may have understood how the Seraphim felt when
the Charons betrayed their trust.
Meem: Ah ha, so since the end of the war you've been wandering around the galaxy
looking for a meaning to your existence beyond the mistake with the Machina, which has
you now sitting on your butt drinking purified Agwarian tears while watching old Mars
brother's movies.
Andúril: Pretty much yes, (He chuckles.) that "Via-Dxun" bit never gets old.
Meem: Agreed, but isn't there something that you.
Andúril: No buts I like it here, it's calm, it's peaceful, oh who am I kidding it's just down
right miserable, the pay is lousy, the neighbors are rude, the police force is incompetent,
my children are contently teased without any real purpose, and on top of that. (Super
Intendant Chalmers walks in.)
Chalmers: THEL!
Andúril: I can never keep my home life and my work life separate.
Chalmers: Andúril I don't mean to pry into your private life again, but we have to discuss
the school budget, I mean you've cut teachers' salaries to nearly nothing; the only class
you've ever gotten rid of was robotics.
Andúril: Listen I had a good reason for doing the things that I did.
Chalmers: I don't want to hear about it, either you correct these budget cuts or you are
fired!
Andúril: Don't bother, I quit.
Chalmers: What did you say?
Andúril: (He grabs Chalmers by the throat and lifts him off of his feet.) YOU HEARED
ME! I am tired of being underappreciated! I am ill of having to put up your inane babble
about my conduct, the students are anti-social at best, and at worst barbaric and vulgar,
and I will no longer stand for the fact that you have a Telkine at your disposal. If you
want a spineless mama's boy who will obey your word without question or any real
reluctance then rehire that whelp Skinner. (He puts Chalmers down.) Plus I want to deny
you the pleasure of actually firing me, do I make myself clear?
Chalmers: Alright then, I'll tell Skinner he's been promoted back to principle, but I warn you.
Andúril: Of what? I'm the one with a house full of weapons not you. Now get off of my
property or else. (Chalmers runs out of his house.)
Meem: I'll take that as a yes.
Andúril: You better believe it, Aon I'm going to be off world for a while can you take care
of the house while I'm gone?
Knara: Mom is at work.
Andúril: Right then, (He picks up a phone and calls Aon.) hello Aon?
Aon: Yes what is it?
Andúril: Aon I'll make this quick and simple, (He starts to talk quickly.) your brother
Meem asked me to go on a mission off world and I just quit my job.
Aon: Not again, this is the fourth job you've quit this millennium why can't you ever keep
down a job?
Andúril: Listen I'm just going off world for a few days, I can worry about getting a new
job after that.
Aon: You know how I worry about you whenever you're away.
Andúril: Yes I know, you know I love but as we both know the will of mother Telchine
comes before all things.
Aon: I know, just be careful.
Andúril: I promise you nothing my dear, goodbye, (He hangs up.) she always was a bit
timid but you can't deny here bravery.
Meem: (Sighs.) Just like Mother.
(Meanwhile in Washington DC, Catherine is sitting on a bench frowning.)
Catherine: (Grumbling.) Stupid Aiur, thinks that just because he has "powers" he can
push me around, oh if I had powers things would be different and people would actually
listen to me.
Rhea: (She walks up to Catherine.) Catherine I'm sorry about the temper that Aiur threw
during the meeting, but he is under a lot of pressure.
Catherine: Funny how I'm the only one he ever abuses when he is angry.
Rhea: You and I know just as much as anyone that Telkines in general don't like Earth-
born humans.
Catherine: Yes I know, the Telkines go out of their minds to help us a thousand years ago
and we still haven't properly acknowledged their contribution.
Rhea: Look this isn't about that right now, this pirate crisis is getting completely out of
hand.
Catherine: But Earth hasn't had a proper military for almost seven hundred fifty years, not
since that fiasco when Aiur was kidnapped and every one suspected then President Vancouver Mausoleum for the whole thing.
Rhea: (Suspiciously.) Yes, that was something, not that I was alive to be there but, still it
had to have been something.
Catherine: Okay then, look the point is we no longer have a navy, apart from Grand
Admiral Gol-Gor Oth's personal flagship it isn't much of a navy.
Rhea: You know it doesn't have to be just the Eagle's Talons, you can create a fleet like
that the galaxy has never seen, it could create new jobs on world.
Catherine: Well I did promise new job opportunities, and besides it's time my own
citizens started pulling their own weight.
Rhea: That's the spirit!
Catherine: Now if you'll excuse me I have to talk to Aiur. (She walks back into the
conference room to find Aiur and Maccabeus in a discussion.)
Aiur: Funny I would have imagined after that choke that you wouldn't.
Catherine: I will support the war effort against the pirates.
Aiur: What the? I mean it's about time you Earth lice decided to be of use, but let's face it
one ship a navy that does not make.
Catherine: I'm well aware of that, but I have the authority to make it otherwise you know
that right?
Aiur: Sure, sure you do, but I get personal command of the Eagle's Talons until then.
Catherine: But you already have your own flagship the "Twilight's Wrath".
Aiur: Yes but.
Catherine: But nothing! I will raise a fleet beyond imagining, and I intend it put Gor-Gol
Oth in charge of it, besides how long could it take to raise I fleet?
(Meanwhile on Mimban IV, Master Pala Di-In is in a room with Novus's Daavas Majiac,
Seraph Ashla, and Zaar Lrack.)
Di-In: Okay then, Daavas you'll be assigned to Master Ibonek Naw-Ibo.
Daavas: By your will master Di-In. (He politely bows and then leaves.)
Di-In: Seraph despite my better judgment and yours by a marginal degree, I'm assigning
you to Stan Tartarus.
Seraph: What! I'm sorry sir but isn't he, I don't know. An irresponsible, and reckless goof
ball?
Di-In: Yes, but if you stick to it long enough he might become a new person.
Seraph: That's what I thought when I first went to Earth, I honestly tried my hardest but I
made no progress whatsoever.
Di-In: I can imagine that, but you and know that Stan is of the Koprulican brood, there
completely different from the loons from Earth.
Seraph: Believe me after five years of having to put up being awaken in the morning by
an ear piercing morning call and having to eat wet sand for every meal the differences are
staggering.
Di-In: You'll never let go of your personal grudges with humanity will you?
Seraph: No hell a furry like a women scorned, but I will not let my trauma at the hands of
man blind my judgment.
Di-In: I pray that you will keep this promise to yourself, dismissed.
Seraph: By your will Di-In. (She politely bows and then leaves.)
Zaar: So who did I get assigned to?
Di-In: Actually Zaar I have some bad news, I couldn't assign you to any masters.
Zaar: WHAT!
Di-In: I'm sorry, but every thought you were annoying and no one with the rank of Master
of Templer wanted you as their Novus, in fact during a pole taken on Montezuma last
year you were voted as the most undisciplined and irritating Quetzal in the galaxy.
Zaar: You can't be serious, every Master and Templer in the order thought that I was
annoying, and on top of the over one hundred billion Quetzals got together to complain
about my lack of discipline and how I get on their nerves? I bet my sister was voted as the
most disciplined and least irritating.
Di-In: Actually, yes she was.
Zaar: Figures, with (Mockingly.) "Princess Selendis Lrack" as a measuring stick to me I
look like a common stooge!
Di-In: Now, now be patient someone will want you to be their Novus, eventually.
Zaar: (Sarcastically.) Terrific. (He leaves the room and he angrily breaks a wall.)
Di-In: (Sighs.) Quetzals, since the beginning they were always short tempered.
(Meanwhile in the Tortuga systems, there's a ship entering the system.)
Meem: (He's panting.) My, that was a close one.
Andúril: I'll say, why didn't you tell me assassins were after you? I would have brought
my Vor'cha-327 from home.
Meem: It's because I thought I threw them off my tail, I wonder if those FBI agents even
used the holo-disguises I gave them.
Andúril: Okay then, Meem are you sure were in the right system?
Meem: I'm pretty sure I was here just last week.
Andúril: Well they must be working fast because I don't think that pirates are capable of
building something like that. (He points to a giant space station that looks like a mix
between High Charity and the Citadel, and a Star Forge over the systems star.)
Meem: Your right, that wasn't here the last time I was here, Burns must be working with a
lot of people to build something on this scale.
Andúril: But I heard he was dead.
Meem: Humans are more persistent then the graves denial, also we think that someone
may have cloned him and his assistant.
Andúril: Okay then, so how do we get onboard?
Meem: Leave that part to me, (He puts on his Emme disguise.) (In a bad Russian accent.) comrade.
Andúril: Oh no.
(Meanwhile inside of the station's throne room.)
Mr. Smithers: Mr. Burns our droid production is up to 5000%, the fleets are ready for
your orders.
Mr. Burns: (Sinisterly.) Excellent, I want everything to converge on, (He gets a call.) Hold on one moment, (He presses a button and Lith'mars hologram appears.) What do you want now?
Lith'mar: Your highness I believe the time is right for use to invade the Earth.
Mr. Burns: Yes I was thinking just the same thing.
Lith'mar: But first I think that we must first invade the planet Narsil to "test" the
effectiveness of our forces on the Fellowship of Andu's fleets.
Mr. Burns: NO! I am tired of delays; I will send my fleets to Earth RIGHT NOW!
Lith'mar: Two late, I have already talked Bob into my plan, and I also told him that
anything that you may say as to other wise he should ignore. (Her hologram disappears.)
Mr. Burns: Hello? I said HELLO!
Mr. Smithers: I think she might have disconnected her call.
Mr. Burns: (He screams in frustration.) CAN THIS DAY GET ANY WORSE! (A
disguised Meem and Andúril walk into Burn's throne room.) Never mind, Emme your
back, have you brought any intelligence?
Emme: I'm sorry comrade Burns, I found no intel verth revorting, but I found new recruit,
meet comrade Leht! (He shows that Andúril is wearing poncho and a huge sombrero
obscuring his face.)
Andúril: (Surprisingly good Mexican accent.) Buenos dias senior Burns, my friend Emme
told of me of the lucrative opportunities for pirates under your command.
Mr. Burns: Excellent, now then Emme, as my most trusted minion I must ask you this,
were do you think I should test my nearly infinite armada on? I say Earth but Lith'mar
thinks I should do it on some planet called Narsil, what do you think?
Emme: Uh, do you mind if I talk this over with comrade Leht?
Mr. Burns: Not at all.
Meem: Right vhen, (Both he and Andúril rush into another room.) okay we have three
choices, we can have him send his fleets to Earth, Narsil, or any nearby black holes.
(Andúril eyes him angrily.) Make that Narsil or a black hole
Andúril: But there aren't any black holes in or around this system, and besides this
Lith'mar he has been listening to might get suspicious if we tell him were one is.
Meem: You do realize that.
Andúril: Yes I do, contact Armss'rij and tell him to prepare the garrisons on Narsil for a
war.
Meem: Aye sir, (He does so.) this is Meem to Armss'rij, I repeat this is Ork Meem to
Kitrach Armss'rij do you read me?
Armss'rij: Loud and clear, what is it?
Meem: I have found Andúril, I repeat I have found and recruited Thel Andúril.
Armss'rij: Wonderful Meem!
Meem: But I have some bad news, Burns wants use to choose a place to send his massive
fleet and, well he gave two choices, I opted for a third choice but the nearest black hole is
seven systems away from Tortuga, and Andúril's family is still on Earth.
Armss'rij: Hmm, this is a toughie, what was one of the choices?
Meem: Narsil.
Armss'rij: Then Narsil they shall go.
Andúril: WAIT! Problem there sir, I'm reviewing the crew manifests and, (in shock.) by
Iam.
Armss'rij: What, what's wrong?
Andúril: The gang membership exceeds five-hundred trillion, and that's not including the
droids in there service.
Meem: How many is that?
Andúril: Nine-hundred and fifty trillion, and it's growing by the hour, call me rash
tongued, but with this army these filth could conquer the universe.
Armss'rij: Watch your words Andúril, what you say is heresy.
Andúril: That may be, but it certainly looks that way, even the Thrail couldn't raise a
force this massive, regardless were this force goes the dead bodies would pile up and
form mountains.
Armss'rij: Look try to divert his forces for something else, try to spread out his forces
across the galaxy and thin the whelps out.
Andúril: With all due respect don't absurd, he may be dumb enough to fall for a pair of
Telkines wearing a mustache, a sombrero and a poncho and think there humans, but I
doubt he's dumb enough to just spread his forces across the stars like butter upon too
much bread.
Armss'rij: Yeah I could never figure out idioms from the Lord of the Rings either but we
have more to worry about right now, I think I may have an idea.
Andúril: Indulge me.
Armss'rij: You exploit his vanity by telling him to make alliances with crime lords.
Meem: But this guy is a crime lord!
Armss'rij: With other crime lords I mean, and I know just the, amphibian for the job if you know what I mean.
Meem: You don't mean.
Armss'rij: Yes I do Captain, yes I do.
Andúril: Does he mean, Otiv "The Toad" Enoelroc?
Armss'rij: Yes, yes I do.
Andúril: ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND! He's the most feared gangster in the
civilized galaxy, I hear he has an entire wardrobe made from Telkine hide, for crying out
loud that overgrown frog should be in prison!
Armss'rij: Agreed, but from what I hear he has a ten year old tad pole, and you know how
much his people care for their young.
Meem: Are you suggesting that we kidnap the son of a Gangster AND a convicted
murderer?
Armss'rij: No I'm not suggesting that YOU two do it, I'm ordering you to talk Burns into
it, and in the meantime do what you can to sabotage his operations.
Meem: Very well then, this is captain Meem signing out. (He turns off his communicator and they both return to the throne room.) Ve have decided that instead we kidnap gangsters son.
Mr. Burns: Are you mad!
Meem: And frame someone else for it, we can expand out already glories armvada into an
even greater armvade if we can pull it through.
Mr. Burns: Splendid, I'll send a task force to kidnap this gangsters son, who is he anyway?
Andúril: He goes by the name of senior Otiv "The Toad" Enoelroc.
Mr. Burns: Excellent, you may leave.
Andúril: Adios amigos! (He and Meem leave the throne room.) The fool, I'm nearly three
millennia old and I know better than to trust the new guys.
Meem: Agreed, anyway I never knew that Otiv was married.
Andúril: He never did, and from what I heard he never once had a "fun night in the sack".
Meem: Then were? (Andúril whispers in his ear.) EWW! I thought your job as a Dxun
teaser was gross!