Wanted to wait until X/Y to do this chapter. Ended up not using anything from X/Y. Felt like a douche canoe. Decided to do something different in a vain attempt to lower my status from douche canoe to douche lord. Settled on a chapter about mystical space Jesus allegory llama. Here we are now.

Derpédex Chapter 20-Arceus and The Jewel of Indifference

Good day, ladies and gentleman. Please, take a seat and open your holy texts to the first page of The Book of Arceus. Whoever's child that is, please shut it the fuck up before I beat the holy shit out of you. Now, please follow along carefully, because this is a long fucking book, and I don't feel like reading it again. Now, let us begin with Arceus 1:1.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Everything was nothing, but nothing was not everything, because that violated the rules of intervals and leaves you with an undefined answer when your real answer is either all real numbers or an empty set. From this nothing-containing-everything, came everything. How this does not go against the rule that matter cannot be created or destroyed, we don't really know, but please just go with it, because fuck. Also, there was an egg for some reason, and the everything was all, "being holy is hard work, let's make an omelet", and tried to eat the egg. But alas, the egg proved to be too cunning for the everything, and managed to escape. It should be pretty clear that this is quite confusing, but it was written that way on purpose, because you suck, and the gods hate you. I suck as well, but this is beside the point. Also it's never explained why the everything is being treated as a person in the sentences but is not considered a proper noun, nor is it explained how it got there from nothing if nothing cannot contain everything, nor is it explained why there is an egg, but this is only page one, and I'm sure everything will be cleared up eventually.

The egg wandered across time and space for billions of years, despite having neither a timer with which to track those billions of years to measure whether or not they were actually billions of years and not, like, a week, nor a heat lamp to protect it from the freezing temperatures in space, nor did it have GPS navigation to bring it to its final destination, nor did it have a way of telling if it was actually in space and not the everything's belly. Yet, it still wandered, and it eventually came across a land known as The Nameless Land. It is also not explained why there was a floating land mass in the nothing which was contained in the everything which was born from the nothing which also contained the egg which was somehow floating despite nothing about it making sense, but it was there, kind of like those things that float in your eye that you occasionally see and attempt to dislodge, only to stab yourself in the eye with your hand, because you momentarily forgot that they were in your eye, and you're like, "damn, I feel stupid", and those things in your eye are still laughing at you while floating by. Yes, this land was just like that, except that it doesn't float in your eye and laugh at you while making you injure yourself.

The egg decided to rest on The Nameless Land, despite being an egg, and having no free will or thought process of its own. There it lay, for hundreds of thousands of years, before finally hatching into something resembling a giraffe, except comparisons to giraffes could not be made, because there was still just the everything, the Nameless Land, and the egg.

The newly hatched creature, being of simple mind, decided that it was bored, and proceeded to destroy The Nameless Land, with the powers it somehow knew it had, despite them never being mentioned in the text prior to this. It succeeded in reducing the land to space pebbles, which the creature inhaled, not knowing they were carcinogenic. After several doses of cosmic radiation, the creature was healed of its cancerous status, which was also not mentioned previously in the text until now. Pissed off, the creature uttered its first words;

"Bitches and hoes be like new clothes; once you got 'em, you wish you never bought 'em!"

And proceeded to gather up the space dust into a big ball and hurl it further into space. This passage, of course, is where Arceus' Prayer comes from. This prayer consists of nothing more than its first words repeated several times, and is very popular in several Chinese countries, such as Japan.

Anyway, that ball of space shit hurled by a giraffe that resembled a llama and came from nothing, began to gather up more space dust that magically appeared from nothing, until it formed into a planet over billions of years. The creature, surprised at his creation, decided to place life on the new planet because why the fuck not. First, it decided that several things were needed, which we shall opt out of speaking of, since they are scientific and boring. Instead, we will read the condensed version. The condensed version can be found underneath your pews, and consists of this passage; "That long-necked motherfucker created the sun and shit". And so, the creature created a planet capable of sustaining life as we know it, and in its infinite wisdom, populated that planet with his holy seed, which was actually just a bag of seeds he purchased from a cosmic Walgreens, which he also constructed during his time off from constructing all life as we know it.

Once the planet was capable of sustaining life, the creature decided to name itself, and settled on Arceus, because fuck you, it's basically your dad. After doing so, he became indifferent to everything. He stopped caring about his creations, and stopped looking them in the eye when they made love, and never called them at work anymore, either. When it felt that enough was enough, it gathered all its indifference into a jewel, creatively dubbed the Jewel of Indifference, which is currently on display in the Oval Office every other Friday, and the House of Representatives every day other than every other Friday.

With all his indifference removed from his body, Arceus decided to once again begin to watch over his creations. However, it quickly discovered that humans are really fucking weird and, upon being bested at the game of Halo for the umpteenth time, decided not to stick around anymore. It attempted to leave the planet, never to return, but alas! Its indifference remained stuck inside of a jewel, guarded by some of the most indifferent people ever to grace the planet, who were in turn guarded by some of the most elite badasses to ever guard the most indifferent people ever to grace the planet, who were to guard the most indifferent object ever to grace the planet, which was created by the most indifferent being in all of history before it lost its indifference, which was created by nothing which was a part of everything which was a part of nothing. Crushed by this revelation, Arceus decided to remain atop a mountain, waiting for the day it could reclaim its indifference and stop caring about the acts of mankind…until some fucker in a stupid hat caught it with technology it indirectly created, trapping it there forever. And there ends the Book of Arceus. Please place all tips in the collection jar shaped like a penis near the door, and if you parked on the walkway I will shoot out your tires and drown your children in the holy water. Have a terrible evening, and stop sending me emails bitching about my sermons, you lousy gits.

"What the fuck was that? I know you're writing stupid bullshit, but can't it at least be consistent in how stupid and bullshit it is, and not jump from format to format?"-You

"You raise an excellent point, one which I will address as soon as I finish pouring this spaghetti sauce into my anus."-Me