Sarah Palin sat on her throne in a large castle on the western bank of Alaska. Her house was famous for its view of Russia, in fact, hers was the best view of Russia from anywhere that wasn't in Russia itself. Her castle was dubbed the White Keep and had been commissioned by president Kennedy to keep watch against a possible Russian invasion. The Palin family have faithfully served as Stewart's of the castle since its construction.
A cool summer's air filled the halls. The six months of summer were still fairly cool in the North, but at least the sun was in the sky. It was known that during the winter months the sun headed south to wage war apron the demon king. But Palin knew that winter is coming, and so the cold storms would fill the halls once again.
Winter would be a welcome change in this scenario, since Alaska had seceded from the rest of the United States (now named the Zim Zam Republic) after Zimmerman took over. The cold snows would keep Comcast's armies away, but the snowy months welcomed in new threats.
Palin glanced towards Russia. A storm was brewing over the narrow sea. Not a good omen. She motioned towards Bond, James Bond, who served as hand of the king. "I want you to send this message with a Raven to my bannermen to the South. It is urgent."
"Of course, M'lady," Bond, James Bond made a courteous top of his fedora, as was customary among gentle sirs. In this new post-feudal age knighthood and chivalry were dead, all except for the sacred order of the neckbeards, whose banner was a Black fedora against a white back ground. There words were "Ours is the tipping".
When Bond, James Bond left the room, Palin was approached by her head bannerman, Marco Rubio. "I don't trust this Bond, James Bond. He is obviously up to something. He spends long nights in his study writing letters, and my spies report that the ravens carry these letters west across the narrow sea."
"Surely you cannot be accusing my hand of being a spy."
"I am, and don't call me Shirley." Palin frowned, noting the author had already made this joke.
"Marco, you are quick to forget his heroics during the great anime war. When the Haruhists invaded the White Keep, we would have fallen and been forced to renounce our Lord Shrek. But Bond, James Bond arrived with a British fleet and sent the heathens to the depths. A man as noble as he could have betrayed me at any point, but here I remain, Queen of the North. Your spies mislead you."
"I will agree to disagree. I still thank Sure I every day for his heroics during the anime wars. But times change, I do hope you're right for all our sales."
"Of course I'm right, why should I ever be otherwise?"
...
Bond, James Bond had no intention of sending the Raven to Palin's bannermen. He knew she was suspicious of the storm, and had good reason to be. Putin's fleet lye behind it in waiting, like a crocodile waiting for its prey, and the crocodile was also made of metal. He knew not whether the storm was conjured by some sort of witchcraft, Shrek's divine will or Putin's sheer will power, though he suspected the latter. Putin, in his infinite grace, wanted as bloodless of a takeover as possible. The real fight would be against Comcast. But Palin and the rest of the North were fiercely independent. Bond, James Bond tossed the papers into the fire, and sent several Ravens South without letters.
Now he only had one task left. He waited until it was as dark as Obama outside. Palin was fast asleep and only a few men patrolled the towers. Bond, James Bond climbed to the roof of the tower, where there were only two guards. These men were easily disposed of. Bond, James Bond's car was also on top of the tower. He flashed the high beams towards the storm, as this was the signal Putin and he agreed apron. The high beams sent light over the sea like two french fires flying over a vanilla milkshake that did not have a cherry on top. Now for phase two.
Bond ran down towards a secret cove that lay under the castle. He had detailed it's position to Putin earlier. After several minutes of waiting a small rowboat holding around twenty Russian soldiers appeared in the distance. Putin stood proudly on top, looking akin to Washington crossing the Delaware back when America was born. It tickled him ironic that this scene would also mark its doom. For in the dead of night Putin's soldiers disposed of all the guards. The sacking of the castle was not a splendid affair, as the castle was not particularly well manned. It appeared Marco Rubio and his followers slipped out in the dead of night. Troublesome.
Putin climbed the steps of the tower and was directed to Sarah Palin's bed chamber. With a ferocious kick Putin sent the door flying and it flew across the room, pinning Sarah to her bed. "I'm afraid ill be Putin you away soon," Putin said, stoically, "The North is my birthright after all." Two guards removed the door from on top of Palin and started to drag her away.
"You will pay for this you commie bastard!" Palin spit at Putin's feet, and then looked at Bond, James Bond, shocked, "you , the North will remember your treachery!"
Bond, James Bond merely sighed. Perhaps he had loved her once, but that was a different time. The future was Putin, and when Putin sat apron the throne he knew that the world was ripe for Putin's conquest. Putin who was there, knew that too. All he had left to do was wait until the snows began to fall and Zimmerman would have no chance of winning. A hard fought battle, no doubt, but Putin fighting alongside general winter could not possibly be beaten.
"Signal the rest of the fleet. This castle shall be out base of operations here in North America. Send word to all the lords of Alaska to take up arms for my righteous cause, or I will find them, and kill them."