Chapter 20: Kim Weeps

"Kim, I guess I sorta have something I need to tell you."

"Uh-oh! This doesn't sound good. Is it life altering? Did you kill someone?" She asked her cheek rested against mine. Was it life altering? Well for her it wasn't, not really… but then it was, because I would follow her for the rest of her life even if she didn't want me to.

"Umm… yeah. I guess it's life altering."

"Are you like going to die? Do giant wolves have like half-lives or something?" She asked curling up into my lap.

"The opposite actually, if I don't stop phasing won't die," I said stroking her hair.

"Wow, then why would you ever stop phasing?" She asked detecting the note of uncertainty in my voice.

"For you," I sighed pulling away to see her reaction. She cocked her head to the side examining me.

"Why the hell would you do that? I'm going to get all old and nasty and you're going to be young and hot for life. You need to enjoy me for as long as I still do it for you and move on," she said it with a smile but I could see a sad flicker in her eyes.

"It doesn't quite work that way," I said hesitantly.

How was I going to say this without making it seem like I didn't really want her? In all the time I knew her, I learned one thing for sure—she had no clue how amazing she was. She would freak out if I said this the wrong way.

"What doesn't work that way? Are you going to continue to age till you're like a thousand and can't even move anymore, cuz that's the sucky kind of immortality."

This conversation was definitely not going the way I planned it. Although honestly I had been too much of a bitch to plan it, so there was no pre-planned speech for this. Before Kim came along, I liked to map out anything important I had to say so that I didn't sound like an ass, today I was completely free-balling it, not a bright idea.

"Um no, I'll look like this till I decided not to anymore. What I'm trying to say is our relationship, my bond to you doesn't really work that way. I can't just move on," I was expecting her to respond but she didn't even move. She kept her face settled into my neck her nostrils sending out cool breath with every exhale.

I continued, "It's called imprinting," why it was called imprinting I didn't know, so I was hoping she didn't ask me. She pulled away, eyeing me curiously.

"It's another wolf thing. I didn't tell you about earlier cuz I was scared about your reaction." I figured it was best to warn her, an unsuspecting Kim was prone to outburst, but she just continued to stare at me confused.

"Kim? Are you listening?"

"I'm listening. It's a wolf thing, called imprinting— like with birds and it's sort of life altering. So what does it mean for us exactly?" Birds?

"Imprinting is like um… when a wolf meets their soul male. When they see their life partner for the first time after they phase they—" She cut me off with another loud laugh. The second time tonight she laughed at me at extremely inappropriate moments.

"Life partner? Do you know how literally gay that sounds? What are you so nervous about Jared, spit it out!" She squealed looking at me.

"Um… okay. I guess I didn't explain it well, I don't think gay wolves can imprint—well there aren't any gay wolves so I don't know. But it's for reproduction so I—"

She laughed even harder, cutting me off, adding words like 'gay wolves' and 'reproduction' between fits of laughter that had her shaking in my lap.

"I guess what it means is that I'm really in love with you, I'm never going to leave you. I can't, it would hurt me," that was the simplest explanation I could give, but it only really skimmed over the top of it all.

"I'm really in love with you too," she said looking at me as if I had lost my mind. "It's not a wolf-thing, humans fall in love all the time."

"But my love is a werewolf-thing."

Why was it that I could tell her the meaning of a hundred underused words, like ebullient and rictus, but I couldn't even begin to explain imprinting without sounding like an ass. It was all here in my head, the words: imprinting is a phenomenon in which werewolves find their mates. Their imprint is the person they are destined to be with. When they see them for the first time after they have fully phased into wolf-form it causes the wolf to connect to the girl permanently, as if gravity shifted, making their mate the center of their universe. Simple to think, not simple to say, like most important conversations in your life, they go better in your head.

"Another wolf-thing… ok, I'm not sure I get it," she said flatly.

"I mean. You're my other half."

"Imprint. Other half. Soul mate. Baby incubator, check," she said making a check mark with her fingers. She wasn't taking this seriously at all, I had expected her to blow-up, cry even, but now I just wished she'd do anything but laugh at me.

"This isn't funny to me."

"You're telling me your wolf stuff is forcing you to love me so that you can reproduce and presumably make more future wolf spawn. I'm sorry, it's just so ridiculous and fucked up, how am I supposed to react?" She howled laughing so hard she had to hold her sides.

I huffed, pulling her off my lap and standing.

"It's not a joke. I'm telling you about one of the most monumental moments of my life," I said not looking at her.

"It's better to laugh then cry! So you're telling me the most monumental moment in your life was the time you lost your liberty and freedom to fall in love with me so we could make babies?" She was serious now too, but not in the good way. Shit this was a disaster.

"I'm free, it's not like–"

"It's not like you compulsively fell in love with someone the first time you saw them or anything," she said sarcastically.

"Shit! This is not how it was supposed to work. I'm not explaining this right. It's like—"

"What happened, when you saw me? What happened to you exactly?" She asked, turning and walking to the edge of the building. I followed her, as she pulled out a pack of cigarettes.

"It's hard to explain, I've never felt anything like it. It was like everything in my life— all of the important things that kept me going, the things at the forefront of my life, my family, my friends, my pack, they sorta moved to the side and you were placed in the middle. Like gravity moving, you became the center of my life."

That was probably the best description of it I was ever going to actually get out of my mouth. I was proud and I would have patted myself on the back if she didn't twirl around facing me with a lit cigarette and a grimace.

"That sucks for you," she said taking another drag and looking at her feet.

"No it doesn't. It's amazing! I need you. I didn't know it but I needed you. You have seen my life, it was so empty without you. I had a handful of friends I barely hung out with, and the most exciting thing in my world was baking and werewolf speed. Now, I don't have any idea what's going to happen next, I never know what you're going to do or say and I love it. I live for you."

Again, I scored, my words were finally working for me. It was all true and sorta sad now that I said it, because I realized I didn't really live until I met Kim. She didn't respond, she just continued to smoke, her hand trembling a little. I took a step closer, hating the burning smell the cigarettes left in my nose, but needing to be closer to her.

"Do you actually think I'm beautiful or is that a werewolf thing too?" Her voice was blank, it wasn't accusatory or angry so I wasn't sure what angle to answer that from. Talking to Kim was sometimes like a dance, forcing me to dodge, turn and twist to avoid her attacks.

"You are beautiful," sticking to facts seemed to be the best method right now. She made this sound like a high pitched hmph, and I was stuck, how could I respond to that?

"Okay, so all wolves do this so they can make more wolves. So does that mean they unimprint once they've produce heirs? Was your dad a wolf? Scientifically this doesn't make sense. Do you imprint more than once in your life span? Do you only produce one child with each woman like pandas, or can you sire litters?"

She was spinning this in a completely different way than I expected her to. She was going animal kingdom on me and I had no idea how to respond.

"Huh?"

"Obviously it's a sexual imprintation, but imprinting in birds is only a learned pattern for picking a mate, not one specific mate and if it's filial imprinting then our sex life is sort of creepy you—"

"Whoa! Whoa! I don't know what you're talking about," I said honestly. "Not all wolves do it, it's rare. My dad's not a wolf, the gene comes from my mother's side I think, my mother's father. We don't unimprint and we only do it once in our life. You are it for me, I will love you for the rest of my life. And why do you know so much about animals? Do pandas really only have one child?"

"Matty used to want to be a veterinarian so I bought him the Encyclopedia of Animals. And yeah, they can have only one or two at a time," she said dismissively.

"I wish you hadn't told me this," she said pulling out another cigarette.

"Why? I mean, I know it's weird cuz you're sorta of stuck with me for life, but I'm not so bad," I said joking.

"No correction, you're stuck with me forever. You pulled the short straw and you don't even know it," she said laughing bitterly.

"Kim," I breathed, taking the cigarette out of her hand and throwing it over the roof.

I kissed her, holding her tight to me, enjoying the light peaceful feeling of being with her. She pulled herself up my body, her way of getting closer to me, I loved it. I pressed the tip of my tongue against her lips, which she spread allowing her tongue to meet mine.

I ran my hand down her back along her spine and she made a noise, soft and airy. Something hot and wet hit my cheek and it took me a few seconds to realize it was a tear. I pulled away, placing her gently on the floor.

"Please don't cry. I'm sorry," I pleaded with her, taking her chin in my hands and forcing her to look at me. Her tears were silent but they flowed freely, streaking her cheek as they streamed down her face.

"It's not your fault. I'm being stupid. I just thought—I thought I had somehow, I don't know won you over. I don't know with what, my great wit and looks? God I'm so stupid! It was my childbearing possibilities that snagged me a wolf," she said wiping her tears with the back of her hand.

"No, Kim. Don't do that, it's not like that. Not for me, that's Sam's thing, Sam's theory. And maybe that's what helps him sleep at night, but it's not a fact. We don't really know what it is, we don't understand it really. Yeah, you smell really good and maybe that's a wolf thing, and I want to be with you physically more than pretty much anything and that could be for reproduction, but I love you. Beyond all of that I love you as a person." I was running out of things to say to her. It hurt seeing her cry, it distracted me completely, especially because it was me that hurt her.

"Yeah, because you have to Jared! Don't you see how fucked up that is? I mean, yeah it's great for me. I got you. You're like the perfect romance movie guy: tall, dark, handsome, but you got me, and now I'm going to have to live with the fact that you were drawn to me for my ovaries," she said fiddling with the zipper on her jacket.

"Kim, shut up! You are amazing. I never even thought about your ovaries."

That was by far the most bizarre sentence I ever said in my life. She laughed, sniffling a little but still not looking at me.

"That's nice to hear," she smiled, lighting up. "I guess I just have to take what I can get. It doesn't really matter how I got you, right? Cuz I mean, I couldn't have got you any other way."

"Kim would you just listen to me. When I saw you, yeah you became my world and I loved you. But I wasn't in love with you, I didn't know you. I do now and I am really really really in love you, everything about you. I love the way you talk, and all of the random things you know, you're so fucking smart. And I love the way you can handle pretty much any situation and don't take shit from people. I mean I want to protect you, but then you just don't need me to, you have it under control. Really Kim, I'm not bullshitting you, you are the most amazing person I have ever met."

And finally I had said something right. She launched herself at me, kissing me while her hand crept under my shirt. She traced my nipple with her long nails and I growled almost like clockwork, wrapping her legs around me and pressing her against the roof.

"Wait," she breathed as I unzipped her jacket. "Jared. You know I don't want children right?"

"What?" I had to laugh at that, she was so fucking cute.

"I'm serious, we're not having kids," she said seriously.

"Okay, okay, no kids," I said giggled, kissing her and running my hands up her legs. "Do you mind if I ask why?"

"Are you serious? I would totally suck at it," she said unzipping her pants.

"Whatever you say, Kim."