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Dear Klare,
Do you remember the day we met? I'd been such an asshole to Kelly and Sam, and felt like I was alone in such a strange place. How could I win and yet lose at the same time? It was driving me mad. But then you'd smiled and suddenly everything didn't seem so bad. I mean, I was still super hungry and my team was still pissed at me, but at least there was one person that didn't hate my guts, right? So when we got through the game and everyone seemed happy, I knew I had to find you and say thanks, because you were the one to turn it all around and it was only polite to thank you for that. Still, when I looked into your eyes and realized just how big and green they were, I should have realized that I was a goner.
From that day on, you were just...everywhere. No matter what we did, you were at my back. I couldn't get away from you, but I didn't want to. There was just something about you. We were all strong and independent, but for the first few months everyone else felt like a rival. People I had to beat in order to become King of the Hill. You were never that way. Your strength was quite and protective, not a threat. In a world filled with darkness and danger, I started to rely on you, and I couldn't feel angry about it.
When you stopped talking to us, it broke my heart. I felt like I'd done something wrong; pushed you away when you were the one person I depended on. It was driving me insane, especially when you refused to let me get close again. Honestly, I lost count of how many times I would lay awake at night, staring at you from across the barracks, wondering what I could say or do to make things right. Then you went on that mission and I was so afraid. I've never felt fear like that before, and I haven't since. I couldn't understand it, but I knew if you didn't come back I'd have lost something that was more precious than I could ever understand. So when you came trotting back into the barracks, completely unmarked, I knew I couldn't let you go again. If that meant going the rest of my life without hearing your voice again, so be it. So long as I could keep you close.
I never meant to love you. Well, besides platonically, of course, because let's face it, we all love each other. When I realized just how deep my feelings for you went, I panicked. I tried to tell myself that I was wrong. There was no way I could love you that way; I was just being protective because you were one of my soldiers. We all knew you could take care of yourself, but other people wouldn't understand. Your reluctance to talk would make you a target, and I wanted to protect you from that. At least, that's what I kept telling myself it was.
Now, I can finally admit the truth. I love you. If I'm super honest, I've loved you since that moment you smiled. Every second I spent with you after that just drove the fact deeper and deeper into my heart until I couldn't deny it. When I stood before you, that chaplain saying things I couldn't care less about, I felt like my chest was going to burst. You were so beautiful, in every way I could think of. I wanted to spend the rest of my life staring into those eyes that spoke louder than anything you could have actually said. For the first time since I'd woken from cryo on Reach, I was happy. Beyond happy, really. I was...home.
And then you were gone. I remember how you glanced back at me as we were separated, clearly worried but trusting. That's something I can never forgive myself for. You trusted me to protect everyone, to get us out, and I failed. Not just you, but every sibling we lost that day. If I'd just done something, maybe I could have saved them, but I didn't. I trusted the adults, and you paid the price. No matter how old I get, I'll never be able to forget Chief Mendez's face as he cried. That when I knew you were gone. Honestly, I think part of me died at that moment too.
You're probably wondering why I'm writing this. After all, you've been dead for a year, so why write a letter to a dead person? Well, it's our first anniversary, and I can't bare the thought of talking to anyone. It's like you're a ghost, hanging off my shoulder, tormenting me. I know you're not; slow torture into insanity isn't your style. But I had to vent somehow, so I'm writing this, dying inside because I know you'll never read it, but I have to say it. I love you. Forever.
~John
Babble time: The song this chapter is based on is Someday Out of the Blue by Elton John.