Chapter 21: Roots

Thanks to all of my readers and reviewers. I am sorry for the wait as usual, but I think I am finally getting into the second part of the series now. Thinking back I didn't really split this up well, but I guess this is going to be one large story than two small stories that each have the different seasons in them. Thanks to those who have reviewed my previous chapter xXImmortalxDiceXx, LizLuvsSpongebob, and Lawlietfangirl. I do not own Death Note, the characters, or the plot line. I do own Ellie, my paycheck which I am still waiting for /shakes fist at Purdue/, and this computer which seems to be on its last legs of life.

It had been 4 years since Matsuda had looked at Ellie's picture. He wondered how much she had changed since then. He had kept in contact with her, he didn't want them to stop being friends, but he had felt better since he stopped thinking about her all the time. He finally felt a little free.

Unfortunately, there was no real word for the emptiness he felt now, but it was better than the feeling of helplessness he had felt 4 years ago on that rainy day in May.

Ellie had her master's degree after two more years in school and she had gotten her certification. She was doing what she had always wanted to do. She worked the outpatient clinic, so the hustle and bustle of the hospital wasn't a full part of her life, and her hours were more reasonable, but she felt kind of guilty for the hours she had. It wasn't as if she had a family or anything.

"I'm 24 years old," Ellie thought to herself. "I haven't had a real date well since I was a teenager. I haven't had intercourse, since L. I can't believe it's been that long now."

Ellie picked up a dish out of the sink. Connor was at work. He worked in the factory in one of the bigger cities in the area. He had all but given up on going back for his GED. It made Ellie a bit sad, but if that was what he wanted who was she to say what he should do with his life.

Ellie looked at her calendar. She had some time off, she couldn't believe it, but she had vacation time built up by now. She felt herself shaking. What was she going to do with that vacation time? She remembered how she had wanted to see Matsuda. She was worried that if she went to see him that things would be awkward be between them. Ever since she had talked to him on the phone after her graduation 4 years earlier, things had been distant between them. Gradually they just drifted apart and really until now she had all but forgot about him being a part of her life. Now that she thought about it they hadn't been making their regular calls anymore, and they hadn't for couple years now. They skipped months at a time, and rarely even emailed. She wondered if she must have upset him.

Ellie looked back at the calendar. She could take off time and then spend it here around the house catching up with housework and such that would probably make Connor pretty happy. She couldn't believe how long they had been roommates. They got along really well too; personal space was never an issue.

Why hadn't she been interested in anyone of the male gender recently? She hadn't really felt she had been able to love fully since she lost Nathaniel. How long was it going to take her to be able to fall in love and think about having children again? Did she want to be a mother? The first pregnancy had been an accident, would she want to go through all of that again with the prospect of having a living, breathing child be the end of product. She hadn't thought about it since she was pregnant. After she lost Nathaniel it was too fresh on her mind, it was too painful to think about ever having a family. Finally the pain had dulled down to a painful memory as everything else had become. Could she put a guy through all of that? Could he handle the baggage that came with her? She knew she could barely put up with it anymore, but there hadn't been an incident since she moved in with Connor and she started to feebly hope. She had a job now, she had an income, this was a time to start a family, she was ready, she was ready to get out of this apartment, out of New York, she was ready to go back to her roots. She wanted to get back to the forests that had dazzled and enchanted her a young child. Back to a river, back to life and hope. The city was dead, the buildings were cold, and they held no prospect for her.

Ellie packed her bags quickly. She wasn't sure where she was going, if she was just going to take a vacation, but she had to get out of the apartment. She had to get back to where she belonged.

She stopped abruptly. Where did she belong? She had thought it was out in the forests of her youth, but had that really been where she felt true belonging true love of a family. It was true that Laurel and Felicity had given her affection, but she wasn't their child, and she had felt it even then that she was there out of pity. Where had she honestly belonged?

She thought about falling asleep in Matsuda's arms, about L and his marshmallow fetish, Light and his suspicious nature, Misa and her overwhelming sweetness that almost made her want to barf at times, and the strength of Chief Yagami. That had been her family, and she ran away from them. Now truly the reason for the breakup was L himself, but he was the most important part of her life there. She might have even said that he had fallen in love with her.

That was where she belonged, but it was too late. She had lost that long ago and it was only now that she appreciated what she had. "It's true what they say," she thought. "You don't know what you've got until its gone."

Ellie drove down to the orphanage. She knew it was kind of late, after dinner, but before bed she was guessing. "It's the only way to be certain about the child issue," she thought in her mind as she walked through the doors of the orphanage until she found Roger's office.

"Ellie," he said surprised by her visit. He had been dreading the day that she would decide to visit. He was sure that she wouldn't notice unless she got up close, but Near had her eyes. He looked a bit like L in his features, but he had the softness of Ellie's skin, her lips, and sharper features like L's nose and messy unkempt hair. If you looked hard enough you could see obviously that he was a child between the two of them, he just hoped that Ellie never questioned it. It helped that Ellie had never seen him as an infant other than that time on the plane when she believed that he was someone else's child.

"Roger, I just stopped by for a visit," Ellie said.

"Any reason?" Roger asked. He held his breath and waited for her answer.

Ellie looked at him hard for a moment. How much did she trust him? That was silly to ask herself, but the look on his face gave her some indication that she might not be able to trust him as much as she thought she could. She went against her better judgment because she was excited at the prospect of what she might discover about herself today.

"I want to have another child," Ellie said.

Roger looked Ellie over. He could hardly believe she was the same woman who showed up 6 years prior this visit asking him for help because she was pregnant with L's child. She hadn't really changed in the way she looked, but in the way she held herself. She wasn't afraid of the unknown anymore that could easily be seen. She had taken all that life had given her and made something out of herself in the process.

"What method where you thinking of utilizing?" Roger asked.

"Oh," Ellie said blushing. "Well, I'll honestly probably go with the more traditional method."

Roger blushed as well. "I see, I was wondering why you were at an orphanage if you had decided to do things, naturally."

This was getting more awkward by the sentence. "I haven't decided on whether or not I want to adopt yet," Ellie said. "This just came over me I guess."

Roger nodded. He wasn't sure what to say.

"Well," Ellie said. "Is it all right if I take a look around?" Ellie said. "It doesn't have to be structured or anything, I'd rather just interact as if there were any person walking into the room," Ellie said. In reality she just didn't want anyone hounding her. She was in a very vulnerable place right now.

"As you wish," Roger said pointing her to the door of his office. "The nursery is down the hall and there and if you have any questions I should be here."

Ellie nodded and left the room. She walked to the nursery first. She saw many sleeping babies and decided it was for the best not to disturb them. She walked into a room with children playing. She saw a familiar blonde haired boy sitting at a table alone. She fished in her pocket. She was wearing a jacket because it barely spring and she could still feel the nips of winter. She found that she was once again carrying a chocolate bar. She wondered about the problems with her sugar intake, L was a bad influence in that way she guessed.

Mello watched the woman walk over to sit at the table with him. He knew he was probably jumping to conclusions, but it looked exactly like the woman he had met six years previous, the one who lost her child.

"Hello," the woman said directing her green eyes to him.

"Hi," Mello said nervously. He had seen those eyes somewhere before, obviously on the woman's face, but somewhere else. He couldn't quite place it, but they were familiar.

"I think we met, you may not remember it," Ellie said.

"We did meet," Mello said. "At Wammy's house, you were going to have a baby," Mello said.

"Yes," Ellie said closing her eyes to remember.

"Why are you here?" the boy asked suspiciously.

Ellie thought about it. Why was she really here and if she knew would she want to share the reason? She gave him the clearest answer she could, "I don't know."

She looked across the room. For some reason she felt most vulnerable here than she did anywhere else. She knew what these kids must be like, she remembered living in this orphanage herself for a few years. Those years were interesting, and made her realize that she had things she wanted so much more out of life than what could be offered there and she left. Still she remembered growing the most intellectually and setting down the roots for whom she would be here.

She saw a small silver haired boy across the room playing by himself. He looked to be the same age that Mello was when she had first met him. She couldn't' believe how much Mello had grown, she thought to herself, as she turned to meet his gaze.

"How have you been," Ellie asked him.

Mello looked at her as if she were crazy. How was he? HOW WAS HE!? He had no friends, other than Matt; he couldn't wait until he was fifteen so he could leave. Matt was going to get out next year and Mello wasn't sure what he was going to do without him. He had a few more years to wait before he could get out and he was constantly being compared to Near, in which he found that though he was older he could never quite seem to beat in anything.

"I've been fine," Mello said, not seeing the need to complain to this woman. He wondered if she were coming to adopt. Certainly she wouldn't adopt an older child like him, but one could never be certain.

Ellie looked around the room feeling awkward. She fished into her pocket again and handed the chocolate bar to the boy. "It was nice talking to you again Mello."

Mello looked at the chocolate bar. Did this woman always carry chocolate around with her or did she just plan on meeting up with him? He guessed that he would never know because she got up from the table and walked across the room leaving him with the chocolate bar gift.

Ellie got up from the table and walked over to a small boy playing by himself in the corner. She couldn't see him very well, but she caught sight of a couple of strands of silver hair. "What a strange color," Ellie thought to herself.

"Hello," Ellie said sitting down on the floor with the boy.

The boy looked up for a moment. "Hello," he said back and then went back to playing with his toy robot.

"I like your robot," Ellie said. "What kind of thing to say was that?" Ellie thought. "I sound like some kind of creeper."

"Do you want it or something?" the boy asked plainly.

"Oh, no that's ok you keep it," Ellie said.

The boy shrugged.

"So how old are you?" she asked trying to dig herself out of hole.

"Six," the boy answered wondering when this woman was going to go away and leave him to his play. He generally didn't see any social work types here, but he pegged her as one of those. He wasn't interested in being adopted, not that many of the children here got adopted.

"Oh," Ellie said her eyes tearing up. "I had a boy, he would have been six as well." Ellie said not sure why she felt the need to share this with a child. "He was born September 27."

The boy took a good look at the woman. He felt like he knew her from somewhere. It was very coincidental that she also had a son who was born the same time as him. Was this possibly his long lost mother? "What a crazy idea," he thought to himself. There is no way that your mother could just walk into your life again after abandoning you for 6 years. She also seemed sad about her lost son, if she had thrown him in a dumpster he suspected that his mother would have to be a very selfish person and a very inconsiderate one at that. This woman didn't seem that way to him, and he was generally good with first impressions. She gave him a warm smile and looked at her watch. "Well, it looks like I had better get going," Ellie said. "It was nice meeting you."

"Likewise," the boy said politely as the woman picked herself up from the rug he was playing on and walked away.

Ellie had had enough for one day. That conversation with the boy playing with the robot had been so awkward, and it was similar when talking to Mello. She understood that these weren't normal children by any stretch of the imagination, but she wasn't sure that adopting was really something she could see herself doing right now.

Ellie walked out the front door and back to her car. She definitely wanted children, she decided. Though she didn't feel comfortable around the children at the orphanage, she still knew that she enjoyed the visit and what she got out of it. She wasn't sure how she would go about it, she hadn't felt a real true feeling of falling in love in so long, but it was time to let someone in, it was time to let someone get past the barrier she had around herself and perhaps give this love things another shot.