Um, hey. Have this kinda-shitty chapter.

(You're welcome, by the way.)

After literally, like, what? It was in the 17 th chapter, right? So.. Five? Four? Idk man but after plenty of chapters, we see what happens with Lord Vile and the esteemed Valkyrie Cain. Alas, they do not happen to bang.

Oh, yeah, did I mention? I have a couple new stories out! Not one, but two. Um, I actually like them quite a bit, I'd love it if you'd check them out. All you gotta do is click/tap on my profile. Just saying. The Lord Vile/Darquesse one, Midnight Talks, will have multiple chapters, by the way.

And on that topic, FF rubbed out a few bits of that and I didn't notice. So yeah, they have been corrected and it's been re-uploaded. Check it out? It's short, they both are. And review, maybe? feeling pretty down these days, school is notorious for causing old mental problems to rise again. *heavy sighing*

Cheerio, then. Did I mention you might get another update somewhat soon?

"Cain. Cain."

She blinked, wondering why the hell she was on top of a surprisingly hard mattress. Wasn't the bed soft, like, an hour ago? Stupid alternate universe beds.

"Valkyrie. Val. Val."

Skulduggery? What was he doing in an alternate dimension? Oh, wait. He was Lord Vile, wasn't he? Here? Why was Lord Vile calling her? Well, she had just fallen on him.

Hold on a second.

Fuck. Fuck. Fucking hell, she was on. top. of. Lord. Vile. A very hot Lord Vile, but a Lord Vile nonetheless. She pushed herself up, trying to get up onto her elbows, but at his annoyed 'ow! Stop skewering me!', she tried to push herself onto her palms instead, and then succeeded, but only in pushing herself upward. And then then collapsed again, this time hitting her head against the lavish headboard.

"Ow," he groaned again, muffled against her stomach, at the time time she hissed "Shit,"

She scowled to herself, knowing there'd be a bump on her head later on. Dammit. And then an annoyed huff sounded, and strong hands grabbed her waist and then moved her themselves, ignoring her protests against being treated similar to a giant four year old. She was set down, and she glared impressively at the thick tendrils of shadows helping her keep her balance, almost tender in their hovering. As she sat on what she assumed were a clump of pillows or blankets, she debated whether or not it would be worth it to punch Vile in the nads. The reaction to that would truly be one to see.

Vile finally managed to get himself upright in a sitting position and blinked in surprise at a Valkyrie Cain sitting on his lap. She blinked back at him, and both stared blankly at each other for a solid fifteen seconds, too stunned by the sheer awkwardness of the situation.

"Right," he began, same time as she started, "Okay—"

Both stopped again, and stared in confused silence again, and then started again, with her saying 'So,' and him saying "Listen,' barely a millisecond apart. And then -astonishingly, at least to him,- Cain started laughing. And when Valkyrie Cain burst out laughing, it wasn't musical, nor was it dainty or ladylike. A fit of sniggers and snorts and guffaws were more her style, and they were being let out as she stopped laughing for a whole two-second point and then burst into giggles again at his expression.

I do believe it's sure that she's certifiably insane. "Alright, this is getting unnerving enough." He continued out loud. "Valkyrie, stop laughing."

She shook her head wildly, still bloody laughing. Was that a symptom of something? It probably was. Continuing laughing, she collapsed, ending up leaning against his chest, shaking. The laughter tapered off, and while Vile uttered a silent prayer in his state of mild shock, due her now quietly sitting against him, he heard a tiny, muffled.. sniffle?

"Um.." He tried, but trailed off as she actually started crying now, keeping her head buried and making as little sounds as possible. One might think she was still laughing, but he'd had experience (centuries old, but women always have their things in common) with a similar situation. And that at this moment, it was probably better not to mention anything about right now later lest he get his head sliced right off. Or he could just kill her first. This didn't happen to him. He was Lord. Bloody(in a way other than simply swearing). Vile. Killer of countless, destroyer of villages, cities. Countries. He was an unstoppable force,and he had been mellowing out simply too much during all this and- oh dear god. He looked back down at her.

She was shaking now, her shoulders raking with sobs. Dear Faceless Ones— Wait, why them? He didn't even worship them. If anything he wanted to be able to kill them. Another muffled cry. Right. Back to point. Focus. Back at her. He looked at her and she made a movement which hit him hard and hit him fast, and hit him right when he did not expect it.

She moved her head slightly, still turned away from him. She brought her right hand up, squeezing her eyes shut and massaging the corners of her eyes, by thumb and middle finger. "I am fine, dear." Her voice shook, and it was quite obvious that she was not, as they said, fine.

Skulduggery didn't respond verbally, instead simply pulling her closer to him and putting his chin on the top of her head. "Hush, now. It will be alright." A slight, shaky laugh. "Look at you, acting all nice," she said. He couldn't help the smile that drifted across his lips. "For you, darling, I shall be," A beat. "Even though it irritates me greatly." Another laugh, less shaky this time.

His beautiful, beautiful wife borrowed deeper into his chest, hands clutching the lapels of his coat. He'd run in when he'd heard the sounds from the outside, and had abandoned everything else to hold his sobbing wife who rarely ever usually let a single tear out. In doing so, he'd left his coat on. She did not seem to mind.

"Skulduggery." It would seem she was plucking up the courage to tell him something. He shifted her position so she was leaning with her head on his shoulder and his cheek on her forehead. "Yes, darling?"

There was a long pause. "I.."

He frowned, worried, and urgently looked back at her, checking her face for any signs of pain or discomfort. A fleeting fear skittered through his mind of her dying, one that wrenched at his heart. A more fledged fear was her dying and him living. He couldn't, not without her.

He put a hand underneath her chin and raised her head. "Yes?"

She breathed in, and then slowly breathed out. Skulduggery was one of the more -or most- ruthless soldiers there were, and he didn't take kindly to anything that made him angry. She was still terrified of him losing his temper, even now that he had proven repeatedly that he cared for her. Skulduggery could read this as easily had she said it out loud. It did hurt, but the fear was well-founded, and fear was what kept a person alive, breathing. Whatever it was, she didn't think he would react nicely to it.

"I'm with child."

He choked on air.

Valkyrie Cain did not cry. Lest cry in front of a psychopathic mass-murderer who also happened to be an alternate version of her best friend and partner. Neither cuddle him while sitting on his lap. She frowned at her hands which had a death-grip on his shirt, and forced them to let it go.

Valkyrie stopped openly sobbing, furious with herself, and wiped at the tears which were still falling. Was she on her period? She might be PMSing. She frowned through the tears which wouldn't seem to stop bloody falling, and looked up at Vile. His hands were around her shoulders, and his eyes had a strange faraway look in them. He was there, but not really there. She blinked in surprise at something else she saw, and her hand wiping away the tears which had now finally ceased to fall (honestly, she was reminded of the cartoons in which people cried fountains) and then leaned closer, squinting carefully. There were tears glistening at the corners of his eyes, and they were glassy, the green glossed over.

"Skulduggery?", she asked before she even realised what she was saying. His head tilted imperceptibly to the right, and she had a distinct feeling that this wasn't Vile. Go detective skills, and thank you skeleton man. What had Skulduggery said about this? Direct questions, right.

"Are you Skulduggery Pleasant or Lord Vile?"

He looked at her, eyes tired and dead. A barely noticeable nod. Something told her he couldn't move his body beyond that. And that Vile would be coming back very soon. But she had to do her best to bring this Skulduggery back, in an effort to repay her own universe's Skulduggery, who had brought her back from Darquesse too many times. "Skulduggery, if you're there, then listen to me. You don't know me, you've never met me. But I'm-"

An eyebrow condescendingly raised, and she nearly blushed. "Right. Not important. But listen, you need to fight this. You need to come back, Sku- Mr. Pleasant." She spoke quickly. "You know, there's a Skulduggery in my world. He's my Skulduggery, and he is the biggest asshole anyone will ever meet. But it's taken me too long to realize that I love him, despite him being a lovable shit. And that, just maybe, he loves me too. And I have t- no, I need, to get back to him, and tell him. Vile won't let me leave this place easily, and you know that. Please. Fight this. Fight Vile." He watched her with those green eyes, a hopeless and deadened look in them. He made no move of response. (She would stare in shock at a speech as lousy as that, too.)

A moment later, his shoulders straightened (she hadn't even noticed how they'd slumped) and his eyes blinked into awareness, sharpening, almost. Alert. Vile was back. He looked down at her, not showing any hint of noticing the lost time. "Oh, good. You've stopped crying. I was debating whether or not to rip out your tear ducts. Aren't you glad I didn't?"

She stared at the morbid meaning and jolly tone. Something was off. But then a fake smile pulled itself in over her face and settled back into a mask that hadn't been used for nearly five -six?- years. "Oh, don't you lie. You love me."

"I'm sure I do." And then he was so much like her Skulduggery, that she just now realized that she missed so, so much, as much as she'd said, so much that she was wrapping her arms around him as far as they would go, and tightly squeezing him, for the solace of some form, some version, of Skulduggery with her. She wasn't sure what reaction hugging Lord Vile would've had. What he said next was definitely not it.

"Why... why are you squeezing me with your body?"

"It's called a hug, you moron. I'm hugging you."