Chapter 19

Morgan turned her music up as she increased her speed. She was running; a new hobby she had taken up. She turned her ipod's volume up all the way as a Linkin Park song came on. She raised her chin and pushed herself.

All I know
time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It's so unreal
Didn't look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on but didn't even know
Wasted it all just to
Watch you go

I did waste everything, just to watch you walk right out on me. I risked my life so many times for you; put myself and my family through so much. I killed my father for you, because of what he did to your parents. But I guess in the end it really doesn't matter, does it, Giomanch?

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

She clenched her jaw as she struggled to run up hill. She pressed the headphones further into her ears, as though if she could have the music loud enough, she could drown out not only the noise around her, but her own thoughts and feelings.

Things aren't the way they were before
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end

She wasn't the same person anymore. At one time in her life, Hunter had been the person who knew her the best. He had known everything about her, significant and not so. He had known when she had had a sleepless night, when she had skipped breakfast. He had known just how to touch her, the kinds of music she enjoyed. Not anymore.

Her chest was heaving as her feet pounded the cement, and she thought back to that night when she had been working as a stripper; The Night. When Killian and Hunter had come in and found her. Back when she didn't have kids, when she was barely old enough to drink, when she wasn't known as the Princess of Belwicket, or a blood witch, but she was simply another one of the girls. She remembered when she was known as just Tigger; just another half naked girl with a slamming body. The girl who would share a smoke with you.

But then He had to come back into the picture.

"Mother Fucker!" She muttered, but she couldn't hear herself because of the blaring music in her ears. Hinder came on, and she felt her eyes stinging with unshed tears. This has been her song when she was Tigger, and it still applied now.

I'll go ahead and pour myself a drink
I really couldn't care less what you think
Well I don't have to listen now
Live this day down
If I can't feel a thing
You might as well save your goodbyes
We can give this train wreck one last ride
I'm gonna have to listen now
Live this day down
If I don't make things right
I'll tell you one last time

She remembered all of the vodka shots the bartender Jared had given her, how she had blocked her senses and drowned out her feelings and thought with the antiseptic taste of the Vodka.

I don't wanna know it's over
So save your goodbye kiss
I don't wanna know it's over
Cause ignorance is bliss
I can hardly see
What's in front of me
Cause the vodka's running on empty
I can't stay sober
If it's over

I can hardly see
What's in front of me
Cause the vodka's running on empty
I can't stay sober
If it's over
If it's over
I don't wanna know
If it's over
If it's over
I don't wanna know

She was almost home. Her mom had the kids today, and Ryan was at work. She pushed herself as hard as she could, her hair becoming drenched in sweat. As soon as she was in the door, she flung the ipod across the room, and watched it shatter.

She screamed and with a wave of her hand the stereo blasted.

Now I will tell you what I've done for you -
50 thousand tears I've cried.
Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you -
And you still won't hear me.
(going under)
Don't want your hand this time - I'll save myself.
Maybe I'll wake up for once (wake up for once)
Not tormented daily defeated by you
Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom

I'm dying again

I'm going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I'm falling forever (falling forever)
I've got to break through
I'm going under

Blurring and stirring - the truth and the lies.
(So I don't know what's real) So I don't know what's real and what's not (and what's not)
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can't trust myself anymore

She walked into the kitchen, and with another scream blasted the wall with witch fire. She punched the scorched wall, and heard a crack as her fist collided with it. She barely felt the pain as her knuckles bled.

"Fuck you, Giomanach! Fuck you! You asshole!" she screamed. She had been in denial for months, and she loved Ryan, she truly did, but the pain of her muirn beatha dan with another woman was eating away at her.

How could he?

She loved Moira and Daniel with all her heart…or at least what was left of it.

Ryan didn't know how bad she had been lately with the alcohol. He didn't know how much pain she was in. She was good at hiding her pain from everyone else. He believed she was over Hunter, that she was head over heals in love with him. But he would never have her heart completely. Never.

She laughed bitterly. She had lost her heart. Now, she was starting to lose her sanity as well.

She poured a big glass of Jack Daniel's whiskey and sang along with the song. "I'm going under," she sang. She downed the rest of the glass. "Hunter. Without you I am going under."