Chapter Notes:

Hi everyone! Happy that I have another update to share with you all, saddened because this could be the my last update for this fic for a long while because once again I lost my beta... I shall not delve further on what happen this time, but just know that she did an amazing job on this chapter and I just wish to thank her for it! So thank you! I truly appreciate and understand your decisions! Thank you! Anyway, fear not my lovely readers, I shall try and find a new one as fast as I can. But I am open to other suggestions if you have anyone who would be willing to take on this fic for me! Thanks for all the support so far and hope you will continue supporting!

Well, enough of the drama, time for the real story to begin. Buffy and Spike now waking up in the aftermath of the spell. Hope it isn't too sad for you, but if it is, well give me a review!

Special thanks to my beta Spuffy156 for here endurance and support for in helping me with this chapter... Thank you so much!

(O.O)

Buffy

The first feeling I felt upon finally regaining control of my body was pain. Pain between my thighs… pain at my neck. I tried to move but noticed that I couldn't do so freely, thanks to the weight above me. Its growl and its repetition of the word "mine" helped to remind me of all that had happened.

Dressing up as a Slayer to get Spike's attention, that strange Light in the sky and that strange presence inside me- which, I determined was my Slayer side- suddenly taking control of my body and using it to hunt down and hurt Spike. And that was just before pushing him to the point where he lost control of his demon and right thru the part where said demon and her had nasty, rough sex… not to mention the biting and failed claim thingy.

I remembered everything anymore sick with myself than I was at this very moment. But before I could barf up my dinner, I had to get this feral version of Spike off of me first.

"Spike, stop. It's me now! I'm back!" I tried telling him while I concentrated my strength on moving his head away from my neck.

But the movement only seemed to aggravate the beast and it bit me harder, multiplying the pain tenfold, as it sped up the movement of its hips and began hitting every pleasure point inside me.

I screamed. Whether it was from pleasure or pain, I wasn't quite sure. But what I did know was that the confusion made me struggle even more.

"Stop, Spike! Please!" I cried, but my plea fell on deaf ears. The demon was in full control and what remained of the man I knew inside the vampire was gone- and knowing this just made the tears keep coming.

I don't want this! I thought helplessly.

This wasn't how I imagined my first time would be. Heck, this wasn't even close to what I wanted when I thought about how Spike and I would come together! I wanted everything to be gentle and caring- I wanted to feel loved.

But, this?

This was just cruel… brutal… animalistic even. Just plain, meaningless sex! This was just all wrong!

Claim him back! The voice inside my head told me. But I shook it off. This was all her fault! She made this happen!

Damn you! Damn you! Damn you! You did this to me! You did this to Spike! If I ever find a way to get you out of me, I will kill you! I told it, as red hot tears streamed down my cheeks.

"Please stop, Spike! Please!" I begged harder, hoping with everything in me that the vampire I knew would re-emerge, but my cries remained unheard, yet again.

So I struggled and struggled to break free, to push the monster off me, but the demon merely held me tighter. I was powerless against it in this position, and the fact that it was draining me just added to my helplessness. I knew that if I didn't get it to stop, I was going to die.

"God! Spike, please! I don't want this..." I said the last part in a small whimper, all the fight in me escaping.

Then I felt the beast come to a sudden stop, its body tensing above me. I felt it retract its fangs from my neck and slowly lift its head to face me.

"Buffy?"

That voice!

I looked up and saw him shed his demonic visage.

"Spike, is it really you?!" I asked with relief, laced with uncertainty. I was afraid that maybe I was mistaken but one look into his oceanic blue eyes and I knew the answer to my question.

It was him!

I moved my hand to touch his cheek as new set of tears began to fall.

He's back! My Spike is back! Everything's alright now!

"Buffy, I-" he started, only to suddenly stop himself. A horrified look crossed his handsome face as he looked down to see the position we found ourselves in.

"Oh God, no!" he cried as he pulled himself off of me and began backing away.

I tried to ignore the sudden feeling of loss inside me to focus on the distraught vampire.

"Spike-" I called to him and moved forward to comfort him. I needed him to know that it was alright. That we were alright.

"Don't touch me! Just stay away from me!" he yelled and moved further away from me until he backed into one of the alley's walls.

"Oh, God! Oh, God! What have I done?!" He was muttering to himself and crying, clutching at his hair as his body shook heavily.

What have I done?! I thought as I stared in horror at the broken man before me. I did this to him! I made him lose control of himself. I forced myself on him... I did this... I did this...

I hugged myself but that provided little comfort as the horrible realization that everything was indeed not alright came crashing down on me.

(O.O)

Spike

"I hurt the girl..."

Those were the words that kept replaying in my mind. I lost control of my demon and I hurt Buffy. I can't even remember how it happened, all I know is that somehow I was overpowered by my demons desire. It assaulted her and now...

For the first time since I realized what I had done, I looked at the young girl and took in her state. There was blood trickling down her neck from where I'd bitten her, her clothes were ruined, her hair was in disarray and she was sobbing and shaking as she hugged herself.

"I broke her."

I did this to the powerful warrior I was beginning to fall for. I took away her innocence and drank her blood… forced her to be mine. I tried to mate with her! To bind her to me forever- to take away her freedom.

I'm a monster for doing these things and Buffy has every right to cry… every right to be angry and hate me just as much as I hate myself right now.

In the moment I came back to myself, I realized my soul wasn't at all useful at keeping the demon at bay. My soul, it seemed, was pretty worthless.

It didn't help me fight against the darkness of my demon… it didn't come forth when I needed it most to stop me before I could hurt her. It failed at helping me to protect her from myself. It simply sat back and watched the debauchery as it occurred.

"Fucking useless thing!" I called it internally.

I couldn't help but stare wide eyed at Buffy, wanting nothing more than anything to hold her in my arms and comfort her… beg for her forgiveness. But I didn't.

I couldn't.

I was too afraid that I would hurt her even more. I'd been so focused on the aftermath of I'd done that I hardly noticed the arrival of the Slayer's friends- their voices vibrating through the air, Red's calling for us at the forefront.

I noticed Buffy tense and was again reminded of my crime. I looked away from her in shame but not before I draped my coat over her.

"Wear that. It's big enough to cover you," I told her, my voice hoarse with either emotion or the evidence of my prior exertion.

I heard the rustling of its leathered fabric, indicating Buffy had managed to cover up, just in time for the arrival of her companions.

"We're here!" Buffy's voice called out, just as they turned into the alley.

"Buffy! Spike!" the red head called out enthusiastically, only to stop in her tracks, a horrified look on her face.

Now, I was the one who tensed, because I was sure of what would happen next. These humans, who I had begun to sincerely care for during my short time in this town, were about to see me for the monster I really was. They would surely reject me and hate me and curse my name the moment they realized what I'd done to their Slayer.

Their hate.

I didn't want it, but I knew I deserved it.

I let out a resigned sigh and awaited punishment for my misdeeds.,. I could only hope Harris would make it quick .

"Oh, my God! Spike! Are you alright?" Harris asked, "You look like you fought off a hoard of demons!"

Needless to say, I was surprised- far from expecting them to look on at me with concern. Taking a moment to glance at myself, I noticed just how disheveled I appeared. My shirt was ruined, part of one sleeve torn off and most of its buttons were gone, which did nothing to hide the nasty bruises and scratches marring my chest… the bite mark on my neck. My hand was very obviously broken, blood dripping from an open gash it's acquired, and if the way my face felt was any indicator of how beaten up it was, there was no doubting the bruise I had forming on across my jaw. I could even feel blood caked at the corner of my mouth.

I their concern was heartfelt and I had trouble comprehending it, regardless of my state. They shouldn't be giving me those looks—especially after what I'd done… they should be giving them to Buffy- who remained silent throughout the exchange.

"So… how is everyone? I'm guessing you were able to fix whatever it was that caused the whole costume switching fiasco?" she finally spoke, asking the question a bit too perky for someone who'd just lived an experience like she just had.

"Oh! Yeah, we did! I mean, Giles and Willow here did most of the work. But yeah, they figured it out and broke the spell and now everyone affected by the switch-a-roo are all un-switched". Harris explained. The boy gave a recount of the nights events with a few interjections from his red haired companion before finally asking about what happened to us.

Just before my shame won out and my conscience confessed my sins for me, the Slayer cut me off- telling her friends about how we fought and lied, saying that she nearly killed me. Explaining how she was responsible for all of my injuries and skimming right over the part where I lost control of my demon injuries. It was like the little girl was protecting me.

And I hated her for it.

Why was she defending me? After what I'd done to her? She should just take that stake of hers and dust me where I stand. But instead she was making sure that her friends were none the wiser to my to my crimes. And if it were possible, that just added to the insane level of guilt and anger I already felt I felt, because I was allowing it.

"Spike, how 'bout we get you back to Giles' place so we can take care of those boo-boos". Harris' voice snapped me out of my musings and I watched him cringe- slowly turning to his friends he asked, "I just used the word 'boo-boos' in a sentence, didn't I?"

"No need for that. I just want to go home… check on Dru and the others," I replied nonchalantly.

"Oh! That's right! They could've also been affected by the spell! Darla and Dru bought their costumes at Ethan's place, didn't they?" Willow said.

I simply grunted my reply despite my limited understanding of what she meant about Dru and Darla purchasing heir costumes from the same shop. Anything to keep me from having to talk to them longer than I already had.

I just wanted to leave. To get as far away as I could from this dank alley and the girl I violated in it. Slowly, I moved from the wall I was leaning against and began making my way toward… anywhere but there.

Harris, seeing how I was having a hard time collecting myself, moved closer to help.

"No!" I shouted at the boy, surprising him with my outburst. I immediately changed the tone of my voice, forcing it to sound kinder. "It won't be necessary, whelp. I can get myself home on my own, but thatnk you. Just take care of the Slayer and make sure she gets home safe. She's far more hurt than she appears to be."

Not awaiting a reply or any form of objection to what I said, I took in a deep, unnecessary breath, before sprinting out of the alley- leaving the Slayer and her friends to alone to decide my fate.

I knew it was the cowardly thing to do… running away like that. But at the time, I could hardly say I cared. Nor did I care that I was further aggravating my broken ribs, as long as I could get away from that place and hide from the world, and maybe… with a little luck… hide from what I'd done.

I wanted to just forget everything; forget how I hurt the girl, forget how much I wanted her underneath me again. Forget how even now I couldn't help but want to feel myself buried deep inside her… forget the taste of her blood on my lips. And especially forget that after more than a century of waiting, I'd been so close to having thing I most desired in the whole world; an eternal companion.

When I finally made it home I paid little attention to Darla's ranting and raving; asking me what had caused the change they underwent during their party and I didn't care about how worried Dru looked when walked thru the door. I simply came home and went directly to the sanctuary of my own room to wallow in misery at everything I'd done.

(O.O)

Buffy

He left.

And I can't bring myself to believe it.

He left and didn't even care to look at me.

I knew I was the one at fault, but it still hurt that he hadn't even bothered to look my way before he'd gone.

Did he really hate me so much now, that he couldn't even stand to look at me anymore?

Well, after seeing the extent of what I'd done to him, I guess he did have a reason to be angry.

And again I felt that pang on my chest. The sudden strike of pain inside my heart.

When Xander pointed out Spike's injuries, I was forced to realize the extent of my crimes against Spike; how badly I'd actually hurt him and how much I deserved to be punished for what I did.

Yet, when they asked what happened, I couldn't find it in me to tell them what I'd done. And I especially didnt I let Spike tell them. I kept cutting him off when I sensed he was about to speak and only told them that I'd hurt him, but not really how I had. I saw the confused and surprised look on Spike's face when I told the censored version of what ocurred, but I ignored it and continued speaking to my friends in the perkiest-Buffy tone I could muster to keep them from asking any more questions.

So, now that I really think about it, him leaving really shouldn't be all that surprising. In fact, I should've expected it.

But that doesn't make it hurt any less.

I felt hot tears building up in my eyes and I knew that I had to get out of there before they began to fall. I couldn't plant that seed of suspicion in my friends.

"Um—guys? I'm really tired and I really want to go home now. Being Slayerfied-Buffy? So has its downsides! " I told them, still managing to maintain my perky persona.

This seemed to do the trick because Xander immediately said that he wanted to escort me home. I wanted to say no but was too tired to argue with him over it, so I let him come with me and Willow made her way back to Giles'.

Once Xander dropped me off at home, I took a long hot shower- wishing the water could wash away the things I was now so ashamed of. When I finally I laid down to rest, I found my mind unable to shut down. Scenes from the night played over and over again in my head… all the badness… all the sadness.

And despite said badness and sadness, I was so ashamed and disgusted to admit that I still enjoyed some of it. Even now I couldn't erase form my memory the feeling of his body against my own… his mouth on my lips… how perfectly he seemed to fill me up and make me whole. I wanted more, but without my Slayer being in control.

I shook my head to clear my dirty mind, shower notwithstanding.

What kind of girl I am? To think about the man I'd just assaulted in such a way? I thought angrily.

A very naughty one! The Slayer inside me sneered.

I stared at the ceiling, hating the fact that somehow she was still able to speak to me, her voice much louder than it'd been in the past. But what I hated most was that I knew she was right.

I was a naughty girl.

Evil even. For everything I'd done. For thinking the way I thought.

I wasn't a good person.. how could I be? With something like that Slayer residing inside me?

We simply wish, for once, to be selfish and get what is rightfully ours. I heard her whisper inside my head.

What is rightfully ours? What the hell does that even mean?

I hated that it was giving me these cryptic messages. I hated that I wanted to believe her words. And most of all I hated that I was slowly agreeing with her, even though I couldn't understand why.

God, I am sick!

This Slayer talking to me? This desire to make Spike mine? I didn't want either of them but somehow, someway, needed them both. It was frustrating! Confusing! Having two different sides warring within me and I'd long forgotten which side I was fighting for.

I needed help, but I had no one to turn to.

Giles would probably be just as horrified as me if I told him what I'd done. In fact, he'd probably give me his best 'disappointed' look.

And Angel-God, Angel! I haven't even properly broken up with him yet! I haven't told him about wanting to end our relationship to start a new one with his Grandchild and if I do tell him, he'll probably blame Spike for everything. He never listens to me and he'll try to stake Spike!

He can be a big jerk that way, so there was no way I 'm telling him.

Willow and Xander were a big no-no too. Willow would support me, I knew, but she'd also say that I was under the influence of a spell or something of the sort. Then she'd probably blame Spike too since I'm all 'faultless Buffy, the vampire slayer… helper of the helpless'.

And Xander? Well-he's Spike's friend but he's mine too. He'd be torn over who to side with, because either way, he'd lose one of us. I couldn't do that to him.

As for telling my mom? Well, she doesn't know about me being the Slayer or about Spike being a vampire, so she wouldn't understand a thing and she certainly wouldn't be able to give me any useful advice.

I was stuck.

I had no one to turn to and ask about my problems. It was a horrible thing to realize- that I was alone in facing this horrible dilemma- because no one in my life would understand what I was going through. And at the same time I couldn't help but be sad because I knew the only person I could safely talk to about this was terrified of me because he was the one I hurt.

That was when I realized just how big my losses actually were. Not only had I lost a friend tonight, but I lost someone who understood me better than anyone else ever had.

"Ohh, Spike. I'm so, so sorry..." I whispered as I hugged Mr. Gordo tightly in my arms. The tears of frustration and anger that I'd been holding back finally spilled over my cheeks as I drifted off into a restless sleep.

(O.O)

Chapter End Notes:

Well, that's all and thanks for reading. Please leave a review, it makes my day and would truly inspire me to continue despite my little beta problem...