"You're so cute!" Tomoko squealed as she smothered her 5-year-old little brother.

"Get off me, Tomoko!" the child cried as he struggled against his sister's embrace. "I swear to god, I'm gonna kick your fucking ass when I'm big again!"

She gasped and pushed him away, meeting his gaze with a firm grip on his shoulders. "You watch your mouth, young man!"

Tomoki looked away in shame and fear. The look on Tomoko's face was one he had only seen on their mother when she scolded them as kids. "Sorry. I just don't appwecewiate...appresiate... I don't like being treated like a little kid!"

"Well, you look like a little kid, you act like a little kid, and you articulate like a little kid. So, until we get this fixed, I'm gonna take care of you just like I did when we were kids!" She gave a warm loving smile that sent a chill up his spine.

"This is gonna suck."

"Language!"

"I said 'suck!'"

"Stop laughing a me, you butt!" cried a 6-year-old Kotomi to a snickering Kikuchiyo kneeling down to her level.

"I'm sorry, but you're just so small and your voice is more high-pitched than usual. It's just too funny."

"Yeah, well I'm still smarterer than you!" Her eyes shifted around as she wondered if that really just came out of her mouth.

"What's twelve divided by three?"

"Uh..." Kotomi tried to find the answer by counting her fingers slowly realizing that she had forgotten how to divide. She retorted with, "Do you know!?"

"Uh..." He mirrored her attempt to find the answer by counting his fingers. "Three times four is twelve so...Four! The answer is four! Boom!" he shouted as he pushed her to the ground, "Go back to yo' mama!"

The little girl's eyes watered and then she broke into a loud sobbing.

"Oh crap, uh...Don't cry little Komiyama...uh...Oh god. Tomoko, help! I fucked up!"

"Hey! Language, Kurosawa!" Tomoko scolded.

"Language? That's nothing they've never heard before. It's nothing they've never said before!"

She came over and gave Kotomi a comforting hug gently rocking and patting her until she stopped crying.

"Wow." Kikuchiyo said, "You are surprisingly good with kids. It's actually kinda creepy."

"And you're surprisingly bad with them."

"Well, you being the older sister, I guess you've figured out how to care for the younger ones or some crap like that."

"Yeah, well, up until middle school Tomoki and I were thick as thieves. Right?"

"Don't remind me," Tomoki replied.

"How 'bout you? You're the youngest of, what, six brothers? So shouldn't you have picked up on how to care for kids through example?"

"Uh..." Kikuchiyo flashed back to a moment in his childhood when he was three and his brother Katushiro was in high school.

"Ready, Kikuchiyo? Kick the baby!"

"Don't kick the goddamn baby!" the toddler cried.

"Kick the baby!" the teenager exclaimed as he punted the toddler.

"I'd rather not talk about it," the now grown Kikuchiyo said to Tomoko.

"O...kay, then." Tomoko replied.

"Yeah...Seriously, this is unnerving, though. I mean, you cheat kids at trading card games! Now here you are being all nurture-y."

"Ain't my kids," she replied with a shrug. "And in this case, since it's my family and friend, these are now my kids."

"Since when are you and Komiyama frie-...You're hoping she remembers this so you can wave it in her face later, aren't you?"

Tomoko said nothing, but did respond with a cheeky grin. She tried to get up, but Kotomi clung onto her tightly. "Um...Okay. Kotomi, you can let go now."

The girl whined in protest and held on tighter. The more the teenager struggled only seemed to tighten the child's vice on her. "I'm only six, but I'm still me." Kotomi said staring fiercely into Tomoko's eyes." I know what you're planning, and I swear to you, until this is fixed I am gonna make your life Hell."

Tomoko replied with a look of her own. "Oh yeah? Well you're still fun-sized, and we have no idea what's out there. You wanna be a brat? I'll gladly throw you to the wolves."

After an intense stare-down, Kotomi let go of Tomoko and said, "I'll be good. But only if I get to braid your hair."

"Deal," the elder answered with a motherly grin.

"Both of you!" she said pointing at Kikuchiyo.

"Well, that's just a bonus for me."

"Wait, what?" Kikuchiyo asked.

"And we get ice-cream after this!" Tomoki added.

"Ooh, yeah! Ice cream!"

"Okay, fine. Now let me love you!" Tomoko cried giving Kotomi another tight hug.

"I'm regretting this already! Just leave me to die!"

"You know, I got into high school education so I wouldn't have to deal with snot-nosed little brats," Principal Kurosawa complained, "And what happens when I walk into work today? Some nitwit highjacks the artifact that I technically worship and turns my entire student body into the one thing I've tried to avoid in my career!" In her arms she cradled a 5-year old Phobos while Deimos played with a smart phone. "Phobos, how long are you going to stay here?"

"Just five more minutes." he answered nestling his head into the woman's bosom.

"Ugh." She let go and let him drop. "And Kanbei actually wanted kids." A loud thud sounded as he hit the ground.

"Owie!"

"Payback, sucks, doesn't it Kurosawa?" Tomoki said as he piggy-backed on Kikuchiyo. As well as carrying the boy on his back, he and Tomoko walked Kotomi hand-in-hand down the hall.

"Listen, kid—Ow! Did you just punch me in the head!?"

"Other Tomoki did it."

"I don't care if it was you or your crazy imaginary—Ow!"

"He did it again. He also says you're a fart-knocker poop-brain."

"I can't believe this."

"I think it's adorable that his split-personality manifested into an imaginary friend," Tomoko said.

"Exactly what part of that is adorable? Ow! Motherf-"

Kotomi kept laughing the more Tomoki hit Kikuchiyo.

"Tomoko, make him stop!" the teen begged.

"Tomoki, that's enough." she told her brother. "I know it's hollow, but you're still going to hurt your hand."

"Thank you, Tomoko. What are we looking for, again?"

"The one they call 'mother,'" Tomoki answered, "Legend has it that there's still a grown-up around here who takes care of anyone who comes to her."

"We were only an hour late," said Kikuchiyo, "How do you have legends already?"

"We're kids. Time moves slow for us."

"And you're sure she'll be in the infirmary?" Tomoko asked.

"Well, where else would you look?"

"Fair enough."

The gang made it to the infirmary. Kikiuchiyo squatted down and Tomoko helped Tomoki off his back. She guided the children away from the door as Kikuchiyo readied a makeshift spear, made with a broomstick and a pocket knife tied at the end. "Stay here until we say so, okay?" Tomoko told them readying her slingshot. She took her place on one side of the doorway while Kikuchiyo took his on the other.

"'Kay, ready?"

"Ready." Kikuchiyo nodded.

"Breach and clear!" Tomoko slid the door open and let Kikuchiyo charge in with his spear. She followed in with her sling-shot ready. They both nearly dropped their weapons when they saw what was in the room: Megumi Imae sitting on one of the beds surrounded by a crowd of children. Her hair was a mess, bags hung heavy under her twitching eyes, and her hands shook with stress. Otherwise, she didn't seem to have aged a year younger nor older. Although, it looked like she was going to snap any second.

"Sempai..." Tomoko's voice was low.

"Kuroki? Kurosawa?"

"Megumi..." Kikuchiyo lowered his spear. His shock quickly turned to despair. "Tell me you didn't..."

"Why do you have that spear-"

"Don't dodge the question!" he yelled. His despair had turned to rage. "Glowing pentagram! Throwing the horns! Bound in foreskin! Did you use it!?"

Megumi's eyes widened. The children inched closer to her as they felt the tension grow. Her silence was all the answer they needed.

Tomoko eased the tension on her draw and put her weapon down. "Um...H-hey, kids! It looks like Ms. Imae needs a break. So, let's go outside and we'll uh...hear a story!"

"It's okay," Megumi reassured the kids. They cautiously left her and went with Tomoko.

"She's all yours," she said to Kikuchiyo as she took the kids outside.

It was quiet after Tomoko left. Then Megumi asked, "How do you know about that book?"

Kikuchiyo grabbed the rolling chair and sat in front of her. "We have a lot to catch you up on."

"The family mansion burned to the ground. His body was broken, he lost everything, but his father was avenged and the vampire was defeated." Tomoko told the ring of young kids sitting around her and hanging on to her every word. Just before they started cheering, she shouted, "Or was he!?"

Even Kotomi, who already read the manga, snapped back and gasped. Tomoko postured to resume her story, but was interrupted by a tug on her skirt. "What is it, Tomoki?" She looked down over to see what her brother was pointing at. There was a mob of kids marching down the hall towards them. They were carrying sports equipment: baseball bats, tennis rackets, bamboo swords, and for some reason one of them had a pitchfork. "Oh, okay. That's...that's not good. Children, let's go back inside..."

"But after everything we've gone through, the ham demon thing was probably the most exciting and thrilling adventure we ever had."

Megumi gave Kikuchiyo a blank stare. She couldn't tell if she had really unleashed a Satanic curse upon the school, or if he was just high. Given what had happened, and knowing him, it was probably both."What kind of name is 'Book of Pure Evil?'"

"It's a book that fucks you over! I didn't fuckin' name it!"

"So, what happens now?"

"I...I don't know. We just know that your wish is gonna come back and screw you somehow. Probably with a very violent death."

Megumi had no reply. Only shocked silence.

"If I had to take a guess it'll go one of two ways: you'll either go crazy and go on a toddler-murder spree."

"What!? Why would I ever do that?" Megumi cried. Her eye twitched and her head made a sudden jerk.

"When we came in here, you looked like you were ready to twist one of the rugrats' necks like a bottle cap."

Megumi sighed, acknowledging that he wasn't exactly wrong. "And the other way?"

"All these kids go Children of the Corn on your ass, and try to sacrifice you to some weird unseen eldritch god."

"How high are you right now?"

"That is irrelevant!"

She sighed again and buried her face in her hands. "I just wanted to go back to a simpler time. One where we didn't have to worry about so much at once!"

"Tch," Kikuchiyo rolled his eyes, "And here we are. The Goddess of Perfection is finally tired of taking care of other people. When no one asked for it. And now she's stuck taking care of them as little kids. That is actually kind of funny," he said chuckling.

"Ha ha ha, you think so?" she replied with a grin. Her hands shot out to grab his lapels. She stood and pulled him up with her. "Listen, you filthy unoriginal walking stereotype!"

"Huh, that's actually a new one," he said with surprise, "really kinda hurtful, too."

"Shut up! All morning, I have been stuck watching an entire school full of elementary kids doing some of the dumbest shit I had ever seen all by myself! I am losing my goddamn mind, Kikuchiyo! And I will not have you, of all people, make fun of this!"

"'Of all people!?'" he repeated with offense, "That's how it is, huh? How's the fucking view from that high horse of yours!?"

"Oh, don't derail this with your insecurities!"

"Mine? How did you get knee-deep in this shit? Ms. I can't handle the world on my shoulders! God, the more I try to read your li— "

"Do. Not. I swear to god, if you answer me with your stupid song lyrics!..."

"Face it, you just can't stand when something doesn't go your way. Just like us."

Her eyes twitched and her grips tightened. She unleashed a furious scream and pushed him forward until he tripped. "You arrogant self-centered pig!" she screamed as she fell on top of him.

"Condescending cunt!"

"Rude devolved primitive!"

"High-and-mighty robot woman!"

"Rattle-headed motherfucker!"

Their discussion was broken by the sound of one clearing their throat. They looked over and saw Tomoko with the children rounded about her. "Are um...Are we interrupting anything?" she asked leering at Kikuchiyo.

Megumi was suddenly red-faced when she realized her position and immediately jumped off of him. She stood straight then cleared her throat. "Um...n-no. Not at all, Ms. Kuroki."

"If anything, you're saving my ass," Kikuchiyo said still laying down. To which Megumi responded by stomping on his shin. "Agh! Why!?"

"Language."

"Right..." Tomoko gave herself a minute to go over what she needed to say, "Anyway, so, there is an angry mob outside. I'm guessing that they raided the sports shed, one of them has a pitchfork, they're coming this way, and I might be making this up, but I think they're chanting the Imperial March." She clapped her hands, took a breath and exhaled. Then turned her attention back to the children. "So, who wants to help Big Sister Tomo make a rope to climb out the window? It'll be like that story, Rapunzel, but we'll be climbing down."

"Isn't that really dangerous?" asked one of the kids.

"C'mon, kid, where's your sense of adventure? Let's live a little!"

"Great caretaker; horrible influence," Kotomi quipped.

Kikuchiyo got up and went for the door. "Oh, come on. It's a bunch of 6-year-olds. How bad—" He opened the door and gazed upon a swarm of children armed with sports gear. He slammed the door and spun back around to the group. "So what about that rappelling thing?"

The door re-opened. Kikuchiyo slowly backed away as he and the rest of the group stared back at the mob.

"What are we gonna do?" Megumi asked.

"Whattya mean 'what are we gonna do?" Kikuchiyo answered, "They're pint-sized! Punt them!"

As he charged into the crowd of small children, they rushed him. Stabbing at his legs with improvised shanks and bashing him with bats and rackets. More jumped and grabbed onto him weighing him down until he fell over.

"Ow, ow, ow!" he cried as the children attacked him, "I saw this coming too late! Newtype senses have failed me again!"

"Forget the girl," one of the horde kids cried, "He'll do!"

"You little fucks better kill me!" Kikuchiyo screamed as the mob carried him off kicking. "You best kill me!"

Awhile after he was dragged off, Tomoko face-palmed and sighed. "Damn it. Now we have to go rescue him."

"Do we have to?" Kotomi whined.

"Yes, we do." Tomoko answered.

"Do we really?" Tomoki asked.

"If we do, we might find a clue to undo all this. But mostly because he owes me money. If he dies that's 5000 yen I'll never see again."

AN: Any tropers out there, does Kikuchiyo fall under Butt-Monkey yet? I feel like he's being more of a punching bag than usual in this episode. I wanted to finish it up and move on to the next part after this chapter, but I decided to just cut it there because I wanted to post it around Christmas. Then New Year's. And just because fuck it. And I apologize if I ruined Megumi Imae for any of you. Next chapter; Tremors vs. Biollante.