287. I will not follow Potions instructions in reverse just to see what happens.

HDHDHD

"I just don't understand what a safe word has to do with my protest for educational reform."

Seamus followed her into the classroom. "Well, it doesn't really have anything to do with your protest, but I think it would be an interesting way to secure loyalty. I mean, I would certainly be loyal if you had access to a whip and black leather."

"I don't think so, Seamus," Hermione shook her head in amusement. "But if I ever decide to pursue a career as a dominatrix, I will certainly look you up."

Tracy looked over in confusion. "Aren't you all supposed to be on some protesting crusade?"

Hermione scowled in response as she slammed her book bag onto the counter. Harry took one look at her furious face and opted to get up and go sit with Draco for the Potions lesson. "Fine," Hermione hissed out. "Run away. See if I care." She glared out the door and in the general vicinity of the headmaster's office.

"What's wrong with Hermione?" Neville asked in confusion.

"Nothing's wrong with Granger," Crabbe glowered threateningly.

Goyle cracked his knuckles. "You got a problem with her method of self-reflection?"

Neville shook his head vigorously. "Nope. Hermione's wonderful."

Dean looked at Seamus in shock. "Did Goyle just use 'self-reflection' correctly in a sentence?"

Seamus cocked his head to the side. "You hear that? Hoofbeats." He nodded his head knowingly. "It's the four horsemen of the apocalypse. The end of the world is upon us."

"Prefects cannot miss three consecutive days of school without a viable medical or familial emergency," Hermione mocked in a sing songy voice. "I'll give him a medical reason alright."

"Is that why we're all back in class today?" Lavender reached over and patted Hermione's hand soothingly. "So we've had a minor setback. Rome wasn't built in a day, after all. Well get them, you'll see.'

"What are you talking about?" Daphne asked. "Italy was created by a coven of witches. Rome was built in a day, and they banished their ex-lovers to the undergrounds of Venice." She rolled her eyes at the surprised expressions on the Gryffindors faces. "Why else would Venice sink further under water every year? Witches are vindictive."

"I think we're getting just a bit off topic here," Parvati broke in.

Dean slung a companionable arm around Hermione's shoulder, and then swiftly removed it after Crabbe and Goyle surged to their feet. "Look, Hermione, think of your campaign like a good ol' game of football. Dumbledore and his henchmen are trying to drive you down the middle, and you let yourself be led to give them a surge of confidence. Then, WHAM-OH! You bend it like Beckham, drive the ball up the side, and break the goalie's nose as you score the winning shot."

Pansy turned to Theodore. "What the hell is football?" He shrugged.

Snape cleared his throat and glowered at the class. Everyone immediately returned to their proper seats and began copying down the potions directions from the chalk board. The room was companionably quiet, the familiar scritch-scratch of quill on parchment the only noise, when the door was unceremoniously flung open and Ron sauntered into the room. His clothes were rumpled; hair a wild mass of red curls, and the dopiest grin was permanently stamped on his face. Blaise snickered; refusing to look up from where he was methodically chopping onion root.

"Lo everyone!" Ron greeted cheerfully. He paused by Snape, making a gun with his thumb and finger and clicking it twice. "Sorry I'm late." He smiled brightly at the stunned teacher. "Had a ball at the ball last night." He sauntered over to his seat next to Neville and slouched into place.

"Thank you for joining us, Mr. Weasley." Snape narrowed his eyes. "Ten points from Gryffindor for the inability to show up to class on time, ten points from Gryffindor for violating dress code, and ten points for expressing a higher level of arrogance and disrespect than one normally expects from you." He glared around the room. "Anyone else want points removed? Then I suggest you get back to work."

Ron lazily moved his ingredients about on his station, grabbing the bottle of armadillo bile and throwing a generous splash into his cauldron. Neville looked at him in horror. "Ron, what are you doing? For one, the ball was two days ago, not yesterday. And for two, armadillo bile is the last ingredient to go in the potion, not the first!"

"What's it hurt to try something new?" Ron shrugged affably. "Haven't you ever wondered what would happen if you tried the potions ingredients in reverse?" Neville sent a pleading look to the two henchmen, and at their nod of agreement quietly bundled up his supplies and moved to the seat next to Hermione. Ron looked around and noticed Lavender looking at him. He jerked his chin up in acknowledgement. "Sup. How you doin?"

Lavender snorted, shaking her head as she added her chopped Oregano to her potion. "I think I preferred you as an ignorant virgin."

"Oh, he's still a virgin," Blaise remarked casually. "And more than likely still a bit ignorant. He passed out before my lesson could include penetration."

Theodore grinned at Blaise's scowl. "Is that why you came back to the dorm all frustrated?"

"Wait," Parvati interrupted quietly, keeping a wary eye on Snape as he graded papers at his desk. "If Ron wasn't out learning varying forms of physical pleasure, where the hell has he been for the last day or so?"

Blaise shrugged. "When I left him he was sprawled on the couch on the Prefects lounge smiling at the wall." Pansy lifted an eyebrow in inquiry. Blaise shrugged again. "It was just a bit of frottage and a blow job."

"In the Prefects lounge!" Hermione shrieked. The class froze, turning to look at Snape.

"Twenty points from Gryffindor," he intoned automatically, not bothering to look up from his papers.

"How could you," Hermione shrieked in a furious whisper.

"Well, it was easy actually. I taught him why friction between two bodies versus a hand is so much more fun, and that saliva…"

"That's not what I meant!" Hermione blushed a violent shade of brick red.

Ron negligently threw in a few carelessly chopped sections of sage before turning to Harry with wide eyes. "Harry! Has Malfoy ever put his tongue on your," he gestured awkwardly, "You know."

Draco calmly poured in three ounces of lavender oil. "Oh my," he intoned casually, "there are so many responses to that vaguely worded question." He stirred his potion four times counter clockwise as Harry added six precisely chopped beetle eyes to the cauldron and counted to twelve. "Have I ever had my mouth around Harry's…appendage? Yes. Have I ever put my tongue on Harry's sack? Yes." He calmly added three splashes of tonic water, ignoring Harry's bright red face. "Have I ever put my mouth on, in, or around Harry's anus?" He smiled wickedly. "That is not a conversation to be having in class."

Parvati eyed the two boys closely. "I really would pay, you know."

Pansy shrugged. "Just get Draco drunk. All false illusions of inhibitions go right out the window." She winked at the blushing Gryffindor. "Then you can watch for free."

Ron chucked in six whole beetle eyes and stirred his potion in random circles as he reached for the bottle of lavender oil. "You put your tongue there?" He gazed at his friend with wide eyes and a slightly glazed expression. "But, your tongue, but you, why, wet, oh Merlin." He shifted slightly in place, adding his sliced portion of oregano with a slightly shaking hand. "Aren't you afraid he'll bite you?"

"Oh he likes it when I bite," Draco purred; leaning over to place a nibbling kiss on Harry's earlobe. Harry bit his lip as he poured in the armadillo bile.

Blaise sighed wistfully. "Oh for a bit of stamina in a partner." He glanced over and shook his head at the red head. "The boy hardly lasted for one good turn. Probably spent the whole next day locked up in the lounge indulging in post orgasmic bliss."

Hermione glared at her cauldron as she added her own dose of armadillo bile with a steady hand. "The Prefects lounge," she hissed under her breath. Neville shifted just a bit further away from the irate girl.

His hand had a pronounced shudder as he dashed in his oregano. "Wow. If it feels that good to have a mouth down there, I can only imagine how it would feel…" Ron's slightly dreamy soliloquy was interrupted when his cauldron gave a loud belch and exploded in a violent burst of orange smoke.

Snape sighed as he got up from his desk and toured the classroom. All the Slytherins, naturally, had managed to produce perfect metabolism Boosting Potions, as well had half the Gryffindors. With an impressive sigh, the professor stopped next to a coughing Ron. "And what, pray tell," he sneered, "is that supposed to be?"

Ron stared at the mess before him. "Umm… the potion on the board?"

Seamus looked over and peered into Ron's cauldron before exploding with laughter. "Is that... did you… oh my goodness it's real!"

"What's real? Lavender asked, inching a bit closer and peering at the mess. The Pure bloods exchanged equally baffled looks.

Instead of replying, Seamus turned to Dean and solemnly intoned. "I do not like green eggs and ham."

Dean glanced in Ron's cauldron and grinned. "I do not like them Sam I Am."

"Seriously?" Hermione looked stunned. "He made green eggs and ham?"

Seamus slapped Ron on the back. "Dr. Seuss would be so proud of you right about now."

"Dr. Seuss?" Pansy looked intrigued. "Was he the one experimenting with genetic mutation?"

"No," Daphne shook her head. "That was Dr. Moreau?"

"Wait," Parvati looked at Daphne in shock. "Dr. Moreau was real?"

Snape cleaned the mess away with a wave of his wand and pinched the bridge of his nose. "That will be zero points for you today on a potion than even Longbottom managed not to screw up. What do you have to say for yourself, Mr. Weasley?"

Ron still had a slightly dazed expression on his face. "The tongue is my new favorite muscle."