Chapter 21

R.A.F. West Ruislip

Greater London, UK

MOQ base housing

0837 local

A contented sigh escapes my lips at the feeling of a warm pressure on my shoulder. This is how it should be. I just hope that we won't end up blowing this morning like we blew last night. In a way it is almost humorous how we ended up in a thunderstorm for a couple minutes just to calm down a few minutes later. We really are fighting like cats and dogs and if it weren't about our past mistakes I would even enjoy it. Butting heads with Mac has always been an interesting challenge. But I could really do without the painful stuff.

I look down on my chest and find her right hand over my heart again. I smile to myself, because the scenery is so very fitting… she is holding my heart after all, both literally and figuratively.

I've seen her sleep before, but never like this. If anything, she looks even more beautiful with her hair all tousled. I reach up with my right arm and card my fingers through the long strands which frame her features these days. I make a mental note to compliment her on it sometime soon.

Being with her like this is so peaceful and yet we are stuck in a limbo somewhere between friendship and being lovers and that hurts. I want nothing more than to take her in my arms and follow through with what I want and need from her. And if the way she kisses me is any indication, she wants and needs the same things.

But as long as we stay in this limbo, we cannot go further without making our situation even more difficult. It's not wise to enter sex into an already complicated relationship after all. I would have never thought that finally being with her could be so painful. Or maybe I did and that's the real reason it took us so long.

God, how I wish we could just chuck all that psycho talk we've been doing lately. No matter how much I don't want to, I always keep hurting her or rather we keep hurting each other in the process. Why is it so important that I know whether or not she would have gone through with the wedding to Brumby, or if she would have gotten herself married to Webb eventually? She's here with me, she's even wearing my ring and I know she loves me. We've both made some serious mistakes in this and it's not like we can undo any of them and knowing why we did some of the things we did, won't make all of this any easier.

Mac stirs against me and looking down I find that cute smile on her lips that she seems to get when she wakes up. Without thinking I bend my head and kiss her. "Morning, sailor." That sleepy voice is going to do me in one of these days. How can she expect me to keep sane when she uses that voice? Ok, Rabb… get a grip. She is still sleepy and that voice is not at all intentional. "You sleep well?" As a matter of fact I did and I tell her so. I don't seem to be in any pain this morning but how am I supposed to not sleep well, when I hold her in my arms?

Deciding we need to get out of the house for a while, I get up and make a couple calls. Sitting around in these close quarters will only lead to more serious discussion and I'm not ready for another round just yet. Bud and Harriet agree to join us at Hyde Park for a picnic. I think it will be cool since Mac and I are going to spend some time with the kids, giving Bud and Harriet some much deserved downtime and all in all we will be able to spend some time together as friends.

But before we go to meet them, I want to do something else. It's been itching in my fingers for the last couple days and today is just perfect.

I walk back into the bedroom and can't believe what I see. "Mac, do you think you'll get up today?" She puts down her book and looks at me as if I've just asked her for the exact wording of Article 75 of the Magna Charta. But she recovers fast and gives me one of her devilish grins. "I'll get up as soon as the galley master announces breakfast!"

Galley master? Just when did I become her personal cook? "You know, I made breakfast yesterday!" I don't even know why I'm protesting, since I already know I'll do it anyway. "Yes, and you've passed the exam, which means you are allowed to make my breakfast again." I give a theatrical sigh and turn around toward my 'galley'. I snort when she calls after me not to forget the bacon.

Wanstead Flats Airfield

Greater London, UK

1201 local

I grin as I look over at Mac on the passenger's seat. I made her close her eyes when I drove us down here. It will be fun to watch her though. I get out of the car and walk over to her side, opening the door just like a gentleman. "Ok, Marine. No peeking ok?" She nods impatiently but for now she plays along. Probably peeked all the time while I was busy driving.

I lead her over to the hangar which was opened on my call about an hour ago. The sight of what towers before me will never cease to amaze me, just like the woman I'm leading on my arm. I step behind her and wrap my arms around her waist from behind. "You can look now."

She gasps. Bingo. I knew I could shock her with this. "Harm that's … is this… Harmon Rabb, you didn't!" She turns around in my arms and puts her hands on her hips. Oh yes, I most certainly did. I wave my hand in the general direction of 'Sarah' and put on an innocent face. "Hey, they said ALL my possessions, right?" Is it my fault that I just happen to own my own plane?

"How did you even get her here? It wasn't with our stuff when we checked in at the harbor." True. Sarah was shipped on another transport and the Lieutenant in charge of my possessions wasn't exactly happy when I told him about my biplane. I shrug "She got only in on Thursday. They couldn't fit her with our container so they sent her out with the next vessel."

And there just wasn't a way that I'd leave either of my 'Sarah's behind. "At the time I thought she would be the only 'Sarah' I could bring here." I say silently and a rush of shyness washes over me. I just know my cheeks turn pink like I'm a 14 year old.

Mac steps up to me and wraps her arms around me in a possessive gesture. No words are needed at this moment. We simply stand next to my plane and hold each other, knowing just how close we had to come to loosing each other forever until we finally got this right. I inhale her scent deeply and as always it does all kinds of things to me. I always knew that holding her was not only intoxicating but overwhelming. But the more often we share a gesture like this since we became a couple, the more overwhelming it becomes.

"So, what do you think? Do you trust me enough to get us up and back down again?" She leans back to look up at me and the expression on her face is somewhere between 'are you kidding?' and 'you're on!'. I cannot help the big grin spreading over my face as I untangle myself from her embrace and tell her to get our jackets from the car's trunk.

"You mean today? But you said she only got shipped here on Thursday!" I grin again. "Had her checked by the mechanics here. She's fueled and ready for a little action." I walk around 'Sarah' and go through my usual pre-flight motions. I trust the mechanics but it never hurts to check twice, especially since Mac and I have a little history where leaking pipes are concerned. Ever since then I check everything twice to be sure there won't be a repetition.

There is that one moment of flying that I love more than any other. It's that moment when the plane finally hits the 70 knots, then starts vibrating slightly and I know that she'd lift off the ground, the moment I move the stick just a little. God must have had a really good day when he invented the physics that make flying possible.

"So Marine, what would you like to see first?" I yell over the intercom and the answer I get just tells me, that Mac enjoys herself just as much as I do. She may hate going supersonic, but flying in 'Sarah' never seemed to bother her. It's been so long since the two of us went flying together that I cannot really remember our last time in the air like this. All the more reason to cherish every single moment.

Rather than flying over the city, which is kind of difficult due to restrictions and regulations, we explore the countryside around London. It's obvious, that this area is a lot more crowded than Blacksburg and the Appalachians back home. We'd have to take 'Sarah' out a good way north to pull any stunts and have some fun.

I let Mac take the controls once we are over the countryside and I lean back and enjoy the ride while she has the helm. She's a natural really. But then again, it doesn't really surprise me, that Sarah MacKenzie would learn how to handle a plane easily. She is smart and she has a good sense for technology. Maybe I'll even get her to take an exam to get her own license some day.

Hyde Park

Central London

1600 local

I wave as I see the Captain and the Colonel walking over towards us. I know technically Mac is no longer a Lieutenant Colonel, but in my conscience she still is and I suppose it will take a long time for me to see her as just Mac.

One look at them and I know they had a great time, though I suppose it was a rather innocent good time, since they both carry their flight leather jackets over their arms. AJ runs over to them as soon as he realizes they are around and hugs both his godparents around the hips, which earns him a chuckle from Mac and a ruffled hairstyle from Harm, which annoys me, considering it took me ages to convince him to use that comb.

We spread the big blankets on the soft grass and it takes me all of 2 seconds to see it. I know I stare and once Mac becomes aware of where my eyes are locked, she blushes but gives me a big smile and extends her hand so I can stare officially. "Oh my god, it's so beautiful. Congratulations, sir, ma'am!"

If possible, the tall handsome Captain grows even taller and the pride and love on his face is just priceless. I don't think I'll ever fully understand these two. Sure, they are among my best friends and have helped and supported Bud and me for years. They actually have a finely tuned radar when it comes to personal problems of other people.

Yet, they have been so clueless about each other sometimes. I'm pretty sure that they knew how they felt for years and yet they made us watch all this time while they hurt each other badly one time after another.

To see them holding hands like two teenagers, or to watch them look at each other with such an obvious love is exciting and all, but it feels strange and right at the same time. I remember the wish to strangle one or both of them for what they did to each other, often. It was worse when I was still at JAG and had to watch the goings on every day.

I spend most of the late afternoon watching them together as they set out to the playground just a few yards away with my kids. I know AJ loves to spend time with Harm and no matter how fast the Captain turns the carrousel, it's never fast enough and seeing them so carefree makes everything just so much easier.

In a way I'm sad that Harm is only godfather to AJ and not to Jimmy or the twins. But well, it wasn't like he was around much, right? I nudge Bud and make him look at Mac sitting there with Nicky on her arm, softly speaking to my daughter. She is so good with them and now that she has finally found the 'right' guy, I hope that she can fulfill that dream for herself one day. I know Harm is crazy about kids, and godfather or not, he's always happy to be with all our children.

"It's kinda funny, no?" I turn around to my husband who looks out at them just like I was until a moment ago. "What do you mean?" He shrugs his typical Bud-shrug and nods into the general direction of the pair. "They've known each other for so long, longer even than you and I. And yet… even though they are older than us, we are the ones with the family and they only now get started into the general direction of that."

I nod in agreement. In a way it really is funny. But on the other hand, Bud and I never had the emotional backload that they had. We were never in the same chain of command and we certainly didn't have all the other baggage that they've been carrying around for so long. Bud may not be aware of it, but Mac once let some things slip here and there, especially around her wedding to Mic and that made so many things so much clearer. I just wish the happiness they are finding now will last them. God knows they both deserve it after everything.

I decide to leave my kids and their godparents alone and instead enjoy the closeness to my husband. With all the stress of packing and the kids there haven't been many moments like this recently. I like to think that coming here is a new beginning for us too and I have every intention to make it a good one.

I lean back into his broad chest which has become so muscular since his accident. I know he's working out a lot and even though he never admitted to it, I know he's been running with Commander Turner. In a way I have to smile inwardly at that. Who would have thought, that my couch potato of a husband would ever start working out of his own free will? But wanting to stay in the Navy has started all this and I certainly won't complain about it.

Bud was made to be a naval officer and the more days pass, the more I'm convinced I did the right thing in changing my mind about coming here. Watching him leave for the office a couple days ago was strange. I hadn't seen him so excited about going to work for a long time. He strives in his position and I'm proud of him. Though, it makes me realize one thing. No matter what Harm does in the future, it's clear, that Bud would never really second guess him or question his choices… at least not where JAG business is concerned. Harm is still his hero.

It's after our sandwich picnic that I get Mac alone for a moment. "I'm so happy for you." She beams at me and looks at her hand which now holds a beautiful diamond. "I guess that means everything is going great for you two, right?" She doesn't answer me right away and instead searches for Harm who helps Bud playing with the kids in the sandbox a few feet away.

"He asked me last night… I mean he asked me that night before we left Washington, but he didn't have a ring then, and he only gave it to me last night." I take another, closer inspection of the diamond again. I must say, the Captain has excellent taste. And it's so different than the one Commander Brumby had given her a few years back. That one had been big and practically yelled 'expensive'. This one was pretty and beautiful, but not overly obvious. In fact it suits her very well.

"So, dare I ask if it's time to go shopping for a dress yet?" She blushes. "We still haven't set a date yet, and right now I think 'slow' is still the right approach." Oh. "Then this is more like a promise than a deal?" I indicate the ring to emphasize what I mean and she shakes her head. "It is a deal. Harm and I will get married and in a way I can't wait for it to happen. But things are pretty much the same they were the last time we talked, Harriet. We are working through things one at a time, but it doesn't always go well."

The moment she finishes that sentence, she gasps in horror. I check our respective men and my children to find out if something happened, but they are still happily shoveling sand around to build like the biggest sand castle Hyde Park has ever seen, with AJ obviously being the major architect of the whole construction.

"I'm sorry, Harriet." Huh? Sorry? What for? "I didn't mean to bore you with these things." Oh, that… boy for her intelligence and Marine demeanor she really can be dense sometimes. I decide to go into mum-mode. That has helped in the past.

"Colonel…" at her glare I back-paddle fast "I mean Mac, we are friends. And I'm sure I can take whatever you throw at me. You've been there for me so often and I want to be there for you if I can, ok?"

She nods and looks over at the guys again. "We had a fight last night. Not the first one either. It's like every time we try to talk we end up tearing each other's eyes out. It started ok, it always does… but I kinda felt trapped, because the things he told me didn't seem to be nearly as significant as the ones I revealed to him."

It almost makes me smile. They are still competing. "Ma'am, may I speak freely?" That earns me another dirty look from her. Of course I'm allowed to speak freely. "With all due respect, Ma'am. I cannot imagine the things you two need to work out and it's none of my business unless you want me to know… I've only watched you guys for almost nine years and I've seen you two do some things that sometimes made me wish I could strangle one or both of you." I pause for a moment to let it sink in and I cringe at the shocked expression she shows.

"But I also know that you both did numerous things to show your support to each other… and your love. It was so obvious, ma'am. I don't know many people who would go to a foreign country on a crazy hunt for peace, let alone follow that person to that country a second time to keep him safe."

I look at her closely and ponder whether or not to go on. "And just as much, I don't know anybody else who would resign their commission to follow a friend into a dangerous country, or risk their life on more than one account to make sure nothing bad would happen to them. I know it's hard sometimes, but rather than throw the painful things at each other, try to focus on the things you did out of love, not pain."

She looks down at her hands. I know it's difficult for her. "If Bud's accident has taught me anything, it's that we need to focus on the good to get through the bad. And there have been a lot of good times between you two in the past. Around Christmas the year of Bud's accident… well there was actually an office pool going on as to when the two of you would finally make a move on each other. The air was practically sizzling with the tension. Focus on that, and you will see, that the last two years, as painful as they might have been, are no longer as important."

With that I get up from the blanket and walk over to my children. It's getting chilly now that the sun starts hiding behind the clouds and I need to put down the little ones soon, because they are starting to get irritated.

Hyde Park

Central London

1600 local

Well, how's that. Harriet enjoys herself on the blanket and I'm stuck with the foursome, not to mention my superior officer who, right about now, behaves more like the 5 year old standing next to him than the tall Navy-Captain that he really is. I've never seen Harmon Rabb jr build a sandcastle with AJ, but it really does explain, why AJ usually came home with half the sandbox in his shoes and the other half in his clothes.

My boss beams at my son and my son has the time of his life ordering the Captain around. AJ will be a fine officer one day. He already has the command voice down for sure. "No, uncle Harm. That looks stupid. Only babies would stick wood into a sandcastle. Honestly!" AJ rolls his eyes at Harm who raises his eyebrows at me in return. I grin back… that's definitely the smart thing to do here.

In the meantime Colonel MacKenzie has walked over to Harriet so they can bottle feed my daughter. I catch Harm looking at them and a small smile spreads on his face at the picture. Maybe he thinks about their own future kids.

"I'm glad she decided to come, sir." Harm looks at me while eyeing AJ's construction curiously from the corner of his eyes. "Me too, Bud. It wouldn't have been the same without you and Harriet here. Whoever changed her mind, they deserve a medal." For a moment I frown until I realize he talks about me and my folks.

"Uh, I meant the Colonel, sir." That makes him stop pushing around the sand. He sighs and gives me a smile I haven't seen often, or never… hard to say. I just know that it isn't the typical self assured flyboy smile he usually sports when things go his way. In fact he seems to be pretty shy about this. Ok, I've always known he is a very private man.

"I'm glad about that too, Bud." He keeps looking at her and the longing I can see etched on his face is the same I see in the mirror when I think about Harriet. Boy he has it bad. But then, I always knew that. Even when they were still strangers to each other at the beginning, one could practically feel the sparks in the air, back at the White House Rose Garden all these years ago, when we were all still so innocent. I do think they should earn an entry in the Guinnes Book of world records though… Being in love with each other for nine years without acting on it ought to be a rare thing.

The tall man in front of me shovels some more sand onto AJ's sandcastle and when he starts talking again, I feel the urge to shake my ears to make sure I get right what I hear. "You know Bud, when you and Harriet started to become an issue… it used to amuse the hell out of me." Oh god, I remember that too. And I'm not the least bit surprised that Harmon Rabb would have found my awkwardness funny.

What really shocks me is what he reveals next and for more than one reason too. The great Harmon Rabb jr, Navy Captain, Ex-fighter jock and brilliant lawyer, my mentor, teacher and friend tells me that he feels just as clumsy sometimes and he seems to be embarrassed about it. I give him my best grin and nod. "They make our heads dizzy, our hands clumsy and our mouths dry."

He looks at me with that raised eyebrow and I realize I'm not making much sense to him other than stating the obvious. "I'm sorry, sir. What I mean to say is that we're in love." And that earns me a small smile.

"You still in love, Bud?" What kind of question is that? I'm crazy about Harriet! "Very much so, sir." At first I think he means it as a joke or something and I grin at him, but his expression is pretty sober and I turn earnest again, too. Turning the shovel over to the architect of the construction, he looks over at our respective women again. The Colonel holds Nicky again and I see the look he gets while watching her feed my daughter. I know that look well. He would be a wonderful father, and she would be a wonderful mother. And right now, he wishes that my baby girl was his.

"How do you function, Bud? Around Harriet I mean, when your brain has gone UA?" Did I just hear him ask that? I turn my head to look at him but he seems serious. "I mean, honestly, I just don't get Mac out of my head. I find myself sitting around daydreaming like a schoolboy with a crush. I'm completely out of control and it's driving me nuts!" Wow, that sounds almost frustrated. Not to mention the fact, that this usually very private man next to me tells me these things without a second thought.

I chuckle to myself. "It is what being in love is all about, Harm." I decide on the more private address because right now he just doesn't look much like a Captain to me. He seems to be a bit shocked by my answer. "Is it the same for you?" But before I can answer he shakes his head and puts up a hand to stop me. "Scratch that Bud. It's obvious." And I give him another chuckle.

"The moment I don't feel dizzy around Harriet, I'll know I have a problem in my marriage." He nods at that but gives me a frustrated sigh anyway. "Yeah but it's… just… so…" He trails off gesticulating wildly with his hands instead and I almost grin like a donkey at the tall man in front of me reduced to this. If it wasn't so serious it would be outright funny. But men like us don't make fun of each other about that. That would be completely counter productive. At the end of the day we all sit in the same boat.

I pat his back – in a very manly way – and tell him that it will get easier with time. That's not entirely true, but no need to frighten the poor guy even more and men need to stand together after all. I suppose that in a way, all men are like the two of us… at least all men who are in love. Though I think with Harm and Mac it might be even worse. I know I'm like the happiest goof on the planet for finding Harriet on the Seahawk all these years ago. But Harm and Mac are another matter altogether. Loving each other so deeply for so long and yet always trying to love other people despite everything must have taken its toll on them one way or another.

A few years back Tiner once called it a hot air balloon about to burst and thinking back I believe that allegation wasn't all that wrong.

"I realize it's scary. It still is to me and I've been happily married for years." I don't say more. Men just understand each other. We both look over at Harriet and the Colonel again and the man next to me amazes me more by the minute. He doesn't even try to hide the pride and love. He really has grown up. The Harmon Rabb I met on the Seahawk 10 years ago is not the man who sits next to me right now. The young Lieutenant back then was cocky and arrogant. A brilliant Lawyer and gifted pilot, friendly and funny, hell I liked him from the start and he sort of became the reason I wanted to become a JAG. But the young Lieutenant of back then would have never allowed himself to settle down with a wife and think about a family, no matter how much he cared about the woman. The career of that man would have always come first, no matter what. The man next to me now, has learned to put the needs and wishes of others before his own occasionally, and that is what makes him the excellent leader he is and wonderful husband and father I know he will be.

"You know Bud, making you my best man was one of the smartest things I ever did!" And there it is again, the self assured, cocky grin. Our moment of male banter seems to be over and I get another pat on the back to support the grin.