"Mason! What the hell happened?" Finnick starts yelling when he walks into my old room (the hospital).
I look at him and then avert my eyes. I don't have an explanation, not one he's going to be satisfied with. I let him down.
"Johanna, please tell me what happened," he repeats, this time in a softer voice, sitting on my bed and talking my hand in his.
Before I can even start to explain, tears escape my eyes.
"No," he whispers, wiping away the tears. "Don't cry. Just tell me."
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
"Why are you sorry?"
"I let you down. I can't go with you. I'm so sorry."
He swings his arms around me and pulls me into a hug, letting me cry it out.
"You don't have anything to be sorry for," he says. "I'm the one who's sorry."
"What the hell?" I hiccup.
"I should've asked you about the things they did to you in the Capitol. I should've figured it out myself. I should've known. I'm the one who's sorry, I'm the one who's let you down, Johanna."
I shake my head in his shirt. "No," I mumble, my voice muffled by his body. "Don't apologize to me, you idiot. I'm such a weakling. I hate myself."
"Don't hate yourself. You're too much fun and too pretty to hate yourself."
I take my head out of the crook of his neck long enough to give him a skeptical look before I let myself cry again.
We stay like that for the following five minutes. Just me crying in his shirt and him stroking my hair. I don't really know what to say to him. This could actually be the last time I see him and I don't even know what to say to my best friend. I'm just crying. I'm such a baby.
But before I can even say anything, Finnick suddenly gets really mad. He jumps of my bed and begins his rant, swinging his arms and fists all around.
"This is actually outrageous! They can't just leave you here, I mean... You're Johanna Mason! You are Johanna Mason!"
"No, really? I'm Johanna Mason? Wow, if only someone had told me sooner..." I say, pulling up my nose and wiping away the remaining tears. Now that Finnick isn't comforting me anymore, it's easier to put on my tough exterior.
"Jo, this isn't funny."
"Never said it was."
He sighs a couple of times while pacing around the room.
"Could you stop that please? You're making my head spin."
"But I just don't understand..."
"You know what, Finn, just go. Otherwise they'll think you're staying behind too, and who knows what'll happen if the mighty Finnick Odair decided not to go. Plutarch would probably have a heart attack!"
He suddenly stops and turns around so swiftly I'm surprised he didn't lose his balance. "What?" I ask.
"That's it!" he exclaims, a smile spreading across his face.
"What is?"
"I'm staying behind too. If you're not going, I'm not going either. It's genius!"
He runs over to my bed and gives me a kiss on the head. "Genius!" he repeats.
"No it's not genius. It's idiotic. You have to go."
"Jo, you're my best friend. I have no choice."
"Yes you do, you could leave me here, safe with Annie, and just go."
"Like I said: I have no choice."
"Oh please. You've had a lot of bad ideas in the past but this one is by far the worst, Odair."
"Right. And what are you going to do while I'm out there? Learn to knit?"
"Yes. Maybe. No, but that's not the point. I'm not allowed to go, Finnick!" I say, emphasizing the 'allowed'. It's no use. He's going, I'm not. That's the way it's going to be.
His anger disappears as fast as it has come and he crawls into my bed again. Now he's burying his face in my neck.
"I don't want to leave you behind. You're supposed to have my back out there," he whispers barely audible.
"Don't make me feel even more guilty, Finn."
"Sorry."
We stay silent for another two minutes before Finnick says Katniss is coming over as well. Guess this means we'll have to say goodbye.
And suddenly, it all goes to fast; too fast.
"Johanna, please don't do anything stupid."
"Finnick, be careful out there. I know you're already Victor, even a double-Victor, but please win these games as well."
"Take care of Annie please. You might not like each other that much but you need each other."
"Just know that this isn't the Quarter Quell anymore. Katniss is already the Mockinjay. You don't have to protect her anymore. Protect yourself."
"Johanna you're my best friend and I love you so much. I'm so sorry I'm leaving you behind."
"I'm sorry."
I have the feeling Katniss can come in any second and so does Finnick. He cups my face and gives me a short kiss on the lips before turning his back on me and heading for the door.
"Finnick?" I call. "Promise me you'll come back."
He turns around slowly, a sad look in his eye. "You know I can't do that."
"Just do it, damn it!"
"I promise I'll try."
"Bye. I love you."
"Love you too."
And that's it. The door closes with an extremely loud click and that's it. No more Madair, Odason or JoFi.
I close my eyes and let my head fall back into my pillow. He's gone. My tears have no use anymore. I can feel myself drift away again because of the Morphling. When Finnick was here, too many emotions were battling to take control over me that the Morphling didn't even stand a chance. But now that he's gone, it's taking me under again. But I have to stay awake. If I don't, the nightmares will be worse than ever.
The door opens again and when I open my eyes, I see Katniss coming in with something in her hands. She hands it to me.
"What's that?" I ask her, my voice a bit hoarse from the sudden urge to sleep.
"I made it for you," Katniss says. "Something to put in your drawer."
I take the small ball into my hands and watch it.
"Smell it," Katniss commands. I do as I'm told and memories come flashing back to me. Good memories. Memories of District 7.
"Smells like home," I say, my voice thick with tears.
"That's what I was hoping. You being from 7 and all," she says a little uncomfortable. "Remember when we met? You were a tree. Well, briefly."
I smile at the memory but then snatch her wrist. This isn't just fun and games anymore.
"You have to kill him, Katniss," I order her.
"Don't worry."
"Swear it. On something you care about."
"I swear it. On my life."
I still don't let go of her arm. I know her own life means nothing to her.
"On your family's life."
"On my family's life," she repeats. "Why do you think I'm going anyway, brainless?"
"I just needed to hear it."
I press her little gift to my nose again, ready to fall asleep with only good memories flooding my mind.
When I wake up, I have another visitor.
"What are you doing here?" I ask the man/boy/guy sitting next to my bed.
"Heard you're not allowed to go with us."
"Well, clearly you've done your homework," I say, turning in my bed so my back is facing him. I'm not in the mood to talk right now. I had expected them all to be gone by the time I woke up.
Gale doesn't say anything for an awfully long time so I turn around to ask him why exactly he's here.
"I don't know. Thought you might be upset."
"Oh and you dig that? Me being upset?"
He rolls his eyes. "Yes, of course Johanna. I love it when you're upset. In fact, it's my ultimate life dream."
I let out a frustrated sigh. "Cut the crap and tell me why you're here."
"Look, if you want me to go, I'll go."
"Go."
"Fine."
He gets up and is already at the door when I call him back.
"Suddenly scared I'm leaving you?" he asks but he comes back nonetheless.
"Keep telling yourself that. No, I want you to promise me something."
"Let me guess, you want me to keep an eye on Finnick for you?"
"How d'you know that?"
"Why do you think I'm here?"
"If you already knew, why didn't you just do it instead of coming here for absolutely no other reason?"
"I just wanted to hear you ask me."
"You wanted me to beg you. Admit it."
"Fine. I wanted you to beg me."
"Why?"
He shrugs. There's obviously a reason, one he's obviously not telling me, not wanting me to know. I'm tempted to ask him the real reason for his presence but I decide against it.
"Well, just do it," I conclude with an angry frown.
"I will."
"Thank you, Gale."
"You're welcome. We'll see you when we get back. Don't go anywhere."
He takes a step forward as if he's about to take my hand or hug me (or worse) but he changes his mind and walks out the door.
Now everyone who even remotely cares about me has come to see me.
I'm on my own again.
Just me, my ball, my nightmares and the Morphling. Such an awesome gang we make.