Author's Note: Thanks for helping me with the title for the last chapter. I said I'd take the first suggestion and so I took Sentrosi's suggestion. I liked Soul of a Young Man's idea so much that I took it for this chapter. I also liked Geri K's suggestions. I liked all of them! So be prepared to find a chapter later which will be called "True Friends".
Thank you very much for your reviews! (view my profile page for replies) I can't say often enough how much your support means to me! Special thanks to those crazy people who actually apologised for writing long reviews...rolls eyes...really, you know I love long reviews, don't you?! ;-) And, of course, very special thanks to my beta Sentrosi!!!
WARNING: ...in capital letters, because this time I really mean it. There's slash ahead. If you have a big problem with that, you probably shouldn't read this chapter.
I'm so nervous about this chapter... This is my first attempt at romance. Please be nice. Well, on second thought, tell me what you really think about it ;-) After all, I want to improve my writing. Argh... why is writing love scenes so much more difficult than writing violence scenes? I've tried to find a balance between a love scene and the plot and, well, this is it.
I think I'll better switch off my computer now before, in my nervous state, I decide to delete the whole chapter :S
The war on Senali continued. It was a brutal war. More than a week had already passed and victory was not in sight. One day the Separatist Army would win a little battle, next day the Republican Army would conquer the district again... Anakin had told Obi-Wan he expected this war to still last several months. On the one hand, Senali was a nicer place to stay than Praesitlyn, on the other, that made it all the more tragic to witness the destruction of this beautiful planet and its peace loving people. Of course, as Obi-Wan did not take part in the battles, he did not really see its full extent. But he wrote the mission reports and spoke to injured clone troopers, and so he had a rough idea what was going on. And he saw the look in Anakin's eyes. As if he was haunted by something...
Being so close to Anakin was intoxicating. Their friendship deepened with each passing day. If you could call the strange relationship they shared "friendship". Some touches – hugs before they parted or when they saw each other again, huddling up against each other at night, a comforting hand on a shoulder, a helping hand – were too long, too intimate to be of a merely brotherly nature. But Obi-Wan did not delude himself. They were in an extreme situation: Anakin suffered from the war and his role as the Chosen One, and Obi-Wan was the only person here to comfort him. Under normal circumstances, something like that would have never developed. It was sheer coincidence, a concatenation of...unlucky circumstances. But Obi-Wan loved him, yes, he did. And his love grew with every word, every touch, every glance they exchanged. He would do everything for Anakin, even if Anakin did not love him back.
It was another long day. Anakin had returned from battle, exhausted and sad as always. But he always had a little smile for Obi-Wan in greeting. A sad smile, but it was a smile nevertheless. Anakin sat down in his chair and heaved a deep sigh.
"Bad day?" Obi-Wan asked sympathetically and placed a hand on Anakin's arm.
Anakin just nodded. Obi-Wan had come to understand Anakin's body language. When he only nodded and did not say anything, it meant he did not want to talk about it. And Obi-Wan would accept that, of course.
"Are you hungry?"
"Like a Ralltiir Tiger. I bet we still have huge amounts of those very tasteful protein bars with beebleberry flavour, right? It's a shame, really, why don't those protein bar producers realise no one likes that sort?"
Obi-Wan grinned. "Well, I guess I have to disappoint you concerning beebleberry bars. I've got some fish and fresh fruit."
"What?!" Anakin exclaimed delightedly.
"Here you are." Obi-Wan put the meal on the little fold-table.
"Man, Obi-Wan, you're an angel!" Anakin said enthusiastically. "I love you!"
Obi-Wan gave him a brief smile, although the words hurt him a little bit. If Anakin felt anything like Obi-Wan, he would not use those words so carelessly. "I got it from a local fisherman," Obi-Wan explained while Anakin gulped down the food with relish. "His son was injured in battle and I healed him. So the father gave me this as a thank you."
"That's great. I hope you had some of the fish too?"
"Sure. You know I hate beebleberry bars just as much as you do." Of course, Obi-Wan had left the greater part of the food for Anakin but he had had enough as well. Enough to survive several more days with nothing to eat but beebleberry bars.
It was a good evening. But then, when Anakin was already in bed and Obi-Wan was still checking something on his datapad, everything changed. Obi-Wan had thought Anakin had already fallen asleep but suddenly he spoke up very quietly, "I'm thinking about leaving the Jedi Order."
"Wha-what?!" In his shock, Obi-Wan typed a wrong order and the information he had just loaded erased itself. Right now, he could not care less. "What do you mean?" Obi-Wan asked suspiciously.
"I'm thinking about leaving the Jedi Order," Anakin repeated stubbornly. "I can't do this any longer."
Slowly, Obi-Wan put down his datapad and turned to look at Anakin. Anakin lay on his back, his arms crossed under his head. He was talking to the tent's ceiling. The light was dimmed but it was enough to illuminate his expression. His face looked tired and much too old for his 23 years. "What is it you cannot do any longer?" Obi-Wan asked cautiously.
"Everything. Fighting. Being a hero. Pretending to be a hero."
"You are a hero, Anakin," Obi-Wan reassured him.
"No, I'm not," Anakin protested almost angrily. "Tell me, what am I doing? People do not become a hero just because they have great abilities. Normally, they fight for a just cause. But what am I fighting for? The truth is, I don't know, I have no idea why I'm doing it. I don't believe in it but I still do it. I follow their orders, do what they tell me to do even though I hate to do it. It's pathetic, really. There's nothing heroic about it, I'd rather call it weakness."
"Ah." That did not sound good. Obi-Wan sat down beside Anakin and searched for something to say which could change his mood. "You are fighting for a just cause. I know it looks really grim at the moment. We live in a dark age but we are fighting for the future of billions of people."
Anakin laughed a harsh, humourless laugh. "Don't give me those empty Holonet phrases. They make me so sick. They have no idea. You say 'future'? I don't see a future. When people talk of the future and responsibility, I normally think of measures to ensure peace, of environment protection, of establishing civil rights, a fair economic system... What would you do to make sure there is a future for people? Lead a war? I don't think so."
"Of course, you are absolutely right. I hate war, it's wrong, of course it is. But I don't understand: What has it to do with you leaving the Order?"
"In the beginning of the Clone Wars, I knew what I was fighting for. There were the Jedi principles. All the wonderful wisdoms they have taught us. I was proud of being a keeper of peace and justice in the galaxy." Anakin pronounced the last words as if they were a terrible insult. He grimaced contemptuously. "I've stopped believing in the Jedi."
"Is it because of that spying-thing?" Obi-Wan asked worriedly.
"Nonsense. I'm not a stupid child who is offended because people don't give you the approval which you think you deserve. I wouldn't leave the Order for such a simple reason. No, I think I could still convince myself that they only were worried about me and had my best interests at heart – and, more importantly, they did it to preserve peace and justice. No, the reason why I can't believe them anymore is the fact that all the Jedi rules are lies. Just lies. They teach you compassion, they say a Jedi must never attack, the Jedi must not intervene in a planet's affairs when there's no official request for help. They teach you that every life is valuable, that we must not give in to the means of the dark side, that we must follow the will of the Force... But what are we doing? What are we doing? Are we following any of those rules? Tell me any Jedi rule that is still valid. Hmm, maybe The lightsaber is a Jedi's most precious possession? Wow, what a great principle to fight for. Is that all there is left? Or has there never been more? Has it always just been lies and empty phrases?"
"Stop that!" Obi-Wan said firmly. He was getting more and more nervous. Anakin's talking made him feel thoroughly uneasy. "That's just not true, you can't say that! Do you mean to say that Master Yoda lied to you and betrayed you? And what about Qui-Gon? Don't you even believe in him and in what he taught you anymore?"
"I-I – Of course I do!" Anakin defended himself. He sat bolt upright and his voice was now trembling and thick with emotion. "He would have never accepted it like that, I know that! He cared for people! Do you remember Jar Jar Binks? Many people would have said he was not worth the effort but Qui-Gon saved his life and brought him with us! Trust me, I wish I could still believe in the Jedi Order, I wish there was something – anything – I could cling to. But there is nothing. Nothing. Shall I fight for such an Order, which does not even keep to its own principles? Shall I fight for a Republic, all the senators in their fine clothes and debating, debating, debating and all they care for is how they can best increase their wealth? Where's good, heh? Do you know where good is?!"
"Stop that, Anakin, please!" Obi-Wan begged him miserably.
"What," Anakin sneered. "Am I scaring you? Oh, I've gone insane in the war, right? I can already see the headline: The tragic fall of a hero. You know what, I think this whole galaxy is insane if people, who think that killing other people is bad and that you should keep to your principles, are considered insane. I think people who go to battle and think it's normal, who think that shooting ships is a big adventure, bang, bang, bang – great, yeah!!! –" an almost maniac glimmer in his eyes, Anakin waved his hands wildly about. " – they are insane!"
"You are not insane, Anakin," Obi-Wan said and he was scared. "You're a good person and that's why this war affects you so much. But you mustn't give up. You mustn't lose faith. The Jedi are your family. You can trust them, they will always support you."
"No, they will not," Anakin said, his voice full of bitterness. "Two years ago, I had dreams. Not any dreams, real dreams. Visions. I had visions of my mother dying. I saw her in pain. Again and again, each night the same nightmare. I wanted to go and save her. But they didn't allow me to go. I was on Kamino in an important battle. They could not afford to send me away on such an unimportant quest. I understood that. I knew I had a responsibility towards the Jedi. I won that war on Kamino. I asked them again if I could go now. But they had already a new mission for me. Then the dreams stopped. I was glad they finally stopped. Afterwards, I did some research. I found out my mother had died at that same day my dreams had stopped. She was murdered by Tusken Raiders, some racket on my homeplanet. They're brutal and ruthless but they use only primitive weapons to fight. I could have saved her, Obi-Wan. It would not have been a problem. I could have saved her easily. And you know what they told me afterwards? They said it was all my fault. Mine and Qui-Gon's. Yes, if Qui-Gon had never brought me to Tatooine to meet my mother, I would have never remembered her and I would have never had such dreams. Her death would not have affected me then. She was entirely irrelevant. She doesn't matter, right? Sure, after all, she is not a Chosen One, is she? No, she's only a slave, maybe a whore."
"That's… I'm…really sorry..." Obi-Wan bit his lower lip. He felt terribly helpless in face of Anakin's deep grief. "I'm sorry," he muttered again. "They shouldn't have done that, it's..."
"I know I must not let my personal feelings get in the way," Anakin said, a bit calmer than before. "But I just can't do it. Shall I betray myself? It's not because of that personal grudge I hold against the Jedi, it's because I feel it is so wrong."
"Yes, but... is there an alternative? What are you going to do once you leave the Jedi? You can hardly say that the Separatists are better – I mean, they're fighting and killing just as well."
"I'm popular, I can use my popularity to change people's minds. If I say something, Holonet will broadcast it immediately. I can start peace campaigns, I can support the few senators who still believe in negotiations, I can advertise organisations which help victims of the war..."
"Yes, you could do that but... but they need you in this war. I don't mean the Order or the Republic. I'm speaking of the people, the normal people. You give them courage. Whenever they hear your name, they think, 'Yes, Anakin Skywalker is coming, everything will be alright'. And it doesn't really matter if all the legends about you are true or not. As long as they believe in it, it is enough, it is enough to give them hope. If you, however, left the Jedi Order..." Please don't do it. Master Dooku has already left me, please don't leave me too.
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"You don't understand," Anakin said bitterly and turned away from Obi-Wan. Here it was again. Now Obi-Wan, too, tried to appeal to his conscience and put a new burden upon him.
"Then tell me," Obi-Wan pleaded. "I want to understand, I want to help you."
"Yesterday, I killed a young girl." The words were out before Anakin could stop himself. "She was so young, maybe six years old. I-I was blocking blasterfire from battle droids so the local people could flee. I didn't pay attention for a moment and didn't see she was running back for some reason and I directed one of the blastershots towards her. She was hit in the shoulder. It would not have been lethal. But she fell. She could not get up anymore. I wanted to help her b-but I c-couldn't go through to her. There were t-too many b-battle droids." Anakin could not fight back the tears any longer. He was shaking all over. He could not stop it anymore. Years of burying his emotions and fighting them back crumpled down. The words flooded out in a way he could not control at all. "And the b-b-battle droids did not c-care for her at all. They w-were o-only interested in me. They just marched over her and stepped on her with their horrible feet and when I had finally fought them back, it was... it was too late for the girl. She was still alive and her mo-mo-mother was with her. She was dying, slowly. She was in such pain." Anakin choked out the words. He had difficulties to breathe. It all came in ragged breaths and hiccups. "She was dying and there was blood coming out of her mouth. She was... twitching in agony. She was in such pain. I-I-I stabbed her in the chest with my lightsaber. Finished her off quickly. And then the mother looked at me and her eyes..."
"Oh Anakin..." Strong arms wound around Anakin's chest and he was pressed tightly against a warm body. "It was not your fault. It was an accident. You did the right thing."
"The right thing?" The tears flowed freely now. "How can you say that's the right thing? How can that be right? She – she was so young," he whispered, feeling as helpless as never before in his life.
"You did the right thing," Obi-Wan repeated firmly. "You saved her from her agony, that was right. You did not cause her death, it was not your fault."
"I-I c-can't forget her face and-and-and her last scream when my lightsaber burned her chest. I will never be able to forget. Never. And her mother... She shrieked and went insane. Some of the locals led her away but she was shrieking all the time."
"I'm so sorry, Anakin..." Obi-Wan gently stroked his hair. "I'm so sorry... so sorry..." He held Anakin tightly and Anakin threw his arms around Obi-Wan's neck and buried his head in his shoulder.
"She was so young. A-a-and she was in such – in such pain. I-I-I finished her off quickly so it would be over quickly and she wouldn't be in pain anymore. If I had just paid more attention, she would be still alive... She would be still a-a-alive... If that blastershot hadn't hit her, if I hadn't directed it towards her..."
"It's not your fault," Obi-Wan said again. He kept stroking Anakin's hair and his other hand rubbed Anakin's back in a soothing way. "It's not your fault. Nothing of that is your fault. Nothing, do you understand me?"
Anakin nodded but only wept more. "She was so young. Why did she have to die?"
"I don't know, it's –"
"Why?" Anakin cried desperately and pounded his fist on Obi-Wan's back. "Why, why, why?"
"Shh, listen to me. Many people die a day –"
"But not like that. Not like that!"
"There are so many senseless deaths. You can't stop everyone from dying. All you can do is save some innocent lives. You said it to me a few days ago, you said you envied me because, working in the medcenter, I could save lives. Do you remember that?" Anakin nodded, accidentally hitting his head against Obi-Wan's chin. But Obi-Wan did not complain. "The truth is," he continued, "you save lives too. Many lives. You are a Jedi and that's what a Jedi does with his abilities. You do that, Anakin, whatever it looks like to you, you save lives. Didn't you just tell me you defended the local people so they could flee? How many could flee because of you?"
"I don't know how many but –"
"And how many battle droids did you have to fight back single-handedly?" Obi-Wan interrupted him and shoved him back a little bit so he could look at Anakin. Anakin squeezed his eyes tightly shut and pressed his lips together. "Anakin, look at me," Obi-Wan said kindly. He cupped Anakin's face in his hands, gently forcing him to look up, waiting for Anakin to relax and to open his tear-filled eyes. "I've never seen anyone who can fight as well as you. Master Dooku, maybe. Or Master Windu. I don't know how many lives or even whole planets you have already saved. But you're human. People make mistakes. You cannot be always strong. You cannot fight day and night without ever resting. You cannot always give one-hundred percent. That's just impossible."
Anakin's lips quivered and he angrily bit them until he tasted blood. "Tell that the girl. That I wasn't strong enough, that I was just tired at that moment. Sorry for that, but I just made my mistake then, I was inattentive but I have to do one mistake a week, and she was just unlucky she was the victim. Tell her mother, her father, her siblings, her friends... I bet they'll be very accepting and understanding."
"I know how you must feel –"
"You don't know anything!" Anakin spat angrily and shoved Obi-Wan's hands away.
"But I do know," Obi-Wan insisted. "I couldn't save Qui-Gon. I was too slow then. My mistake on that day. I was not strong enough. Trust me, I know how it feels. It's a horrible feeling. All the guilt... But there's no other way but accepting. It's what the Jedi teach. I learned it the hard way but I finally came to understand. You know I was with Qui-Gon when he was dying and I apologised to him again and again. But he didn't blame me. Not in the slightest. And you didn't blame me either when I told you about it afterwards. It was only me: I was blaming myself."
Obi-Wan mentioning Qui-Gon's death was the last straw. Anakin erupted into a new fit of desperate sobs and flung himself into Obi-Wan's arms again. Obi-Wan just held him and stroked his hair and his back soothingly. "I wish I could just... accept it," Anakin sobbed into Obi-Wan's shirt, which was already soaked wet with his tears. "I-I wish I could be as strong as you but I am not."
"You are strong," Obi-Wan told him firmly, "very strong. You're an amazing general, you're always there for your troops, you do all the dangerous things – successfully, most of the times – and you carry all that responsibility and you do that very well. And although there's the Clone Wars – and I won't deny it, I know it has also changed the Order, and it did not change for the better – you have still managed to stay a good Jedi who keeps to the Jedi Code."
"But being a Jedi doesn't mean anything anymore," Anakin said bitterly.
"I think it does. Tell me, why have you kept to the Jedi Code? It's certainly not simply because everyone told you to do it and because everyone else did the same. The Jedi were always a minority. The rest of the galaxy kept to other rules. I kept to the Jedi Code because I believed – because I knew – it is right and it is good. And if you tell me otherwise, I will not believe you. Okay, maybe the little minority has been reduced even more during the last years. But that doesn't change the things which were once good. They're still good and right, even if no one keeps to the rules anymore." Obi-Wan pulled him into an even tighter embrace. "Please don't leave the Jedi Order."
"Why not?" Anakin asked exhaustedly.
"Because I don't want you to leave."
It was the only right thing Obi-Wan could have said. If he had said, 'Because the Jedi Order (or the Republic) needs you', Anakin would have stopped listening. Anakin lifted his head up and looked uncertainly at Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan smiled uncertainly back at him. Obi-Wan was still squeezing his shoulders. Then his hands wandered up Anakin's neck. It was a very affectionate, very intimate touch. Anakin became very calm and waited for Obi-Wan to continue. Finally, Obi-Wan's fingers had arrived at his cheeks. His thumbs softly traced Anakin's jawbones. Then Obi-Wan leant slowly forwards and kissed him. No, it was more like Obi-Wan very lightly placed his lips on Anakin's, always giving him the chance to pull away. But Anakin did not pull away. He enjoyed it. He had never before felt loved like that. Obi-Wan touched him so tenderly it made Anakin in a very strange way want to cry inside. When Obi-Wan pulled away from the little kiss, Anakin rested his head against Obi-Wan's chest and closed his eyes. He felt Obi-Wan's chest rising and falling steadily, even felt his heartbeat. Anakin took deep breaths and, slowly, the pain faded.
"Don't leave the Order," Obi-Wan murmured. "I need you. The Jedi Order needs you." Anakin groaned and punched Obi-Wan lightly in his ribs. "I'm not speaking of the prophecy," Obi-Wan assured him. "I mean, what do you do when a friend of yours does something really bad? Would you abandon him? I don't think so. I think you would try to show his mistake to him and you would try to correct him. You would help him. You wouldn't leave him alone. You don't necessarily need friends when everything's fine, do you? It's more important to have friends during the bad times. You realise the Jedi do wrong things – so you should tell them! You're on the Council, you have the power to change something. Leaving the Jedi Order is not a solution. That's what the systems do which join the Separatist movement. They think the Republic is not a good Republic anymore – and they're probably right. So they leave the Republic and do their own thing. And what's happening? The whole galaxy is shattered, there's a war... You can help the Order reform and when the Jedi Order is a strong force again, an order of peacekeepers, then maybe that's a chance to end this war in a peaceful way."
"Hm..." The fact that Obi-Wan still held Anakin, reassuring him that he was loved and cared for, proved his words right. Anakin seized Obi-Wan's hand and cautiously rubbed his thumb over the back of Obi-Wan's hand. "So you think I'm a bad friend?"
"Nonsense." Obi-Wan kissed Anakin lightly on his head. "If you were a bad friend, we wouldn't be here, right? After all the shit I've already done... I think you're a Jedi who has lost faith too quickly."
"Maybe," Anakin acknowledged hesitantly. Encouraged by Obi-Wan's hands, which had somehow at some time slipped under Anakin's shirt and were causing his body to react in ways he could not control any longer, Anakin started caressing Obi-Wan too. Soon, both of them, stripped to the waist, lay on the sleeping mats. Anakin thought that it felt very strange: having Obi-Wan's heated body on top of him. Well, strange was not the predominant feeling. The caresses, the kisses... it was wonderful, amazing, comforting, warm. After so many years, Anakin felt finally warm inside again.
"But in what can I believe, Obi-Wan?" Anakin mumbled while Obi-Wan was placing little kisses all over his uncovered chest. "What are all the Jedi rules worth if they cause only suffering? Where's the 'good' you were speaking of?"
Obi-Wan stopped the kissing and looked at Anakin. His eyes looked a bit hazy, confused by the sudden interruption, but he visibly pulled himself together and thought of a satisfying answer to Anakin's question. "Do you remember when we were little children at the Temple? There were always those little fights between the different groups, that rivalry, everyone wanted to be the best and we would call each other stupid names – like Oafy-Wan." Obi-Wan absent-mindedly toyed with Anakin's curls. And while he continued speaking in a calm and gentle voice, images flooded Anakin's mind. He saw a group of younglings in a sunlit room, standing in a circle around Master Yoda and watching his Force-tricks in complete awe. He heard Yoda's old but always cheerful voice, he remembered Garen imitating Yoda's way of speaking backwards, he saw the groups of Jedi apprentices fight each other to exhaustion - as if it was the most important thing of the world to be the better group. And afterwards they would perhaps go swimming in the coolness and the peacefulness of the Room of a Thousand Fountains. "We were always fighting," Obi-Wan continued, "but as soon as there was a strict Master we would stick together like glue. I think those times, they were good. That's something valuable, worth to fight for. I hope that the next generation of Jedi can have such a childhood too. They should get to know all of it, the Wookie Clan and... which group were you in? The Bantha Clan?"
Anakin grimaced, pretending to be mortally offended. "The Bantha Clan? Really, Obi-Wan! I was in the Bear Clan."
"Ah yes, I remember, the Bear Clan, of course. And do you remember our lightsaber fights? We would pretend to be our favourite heroes – the great swordsmen. Naturally, we had no idea of different fighting styles at all... But I had overheard some older students discuss Master Windu's Vaapad form and so I pretended to know."
Anakin smiled a little bit. "Yes, you were always Master Windu. And I was Master Dooku. You have no idea what a shock I got when I heard you had actually got him as your Master."
Obi-Wan chuckled softly. "You have no idea what a shock I got when he told me he would train me. And to be honest, I still have no clue why he suddenly wanted a Padawan, and why, for Force's sake, he wanted to train me."
Anakin smiled silently. That was something which would stay his secret forever.
"And do you remember the classes with Master Yoda?" Obi-Wan continued in reminiscence. "They used to be my favourite ones. We used to play pranks on him. Really nasty things if you rethink it now, like putting his stick on the uppermost shelf. But he would always play along with it and try to reach his stick by jumping up in vain or scrambling laboriously up the shelves. He did it to let us have our fun. Ah, come to think of it, he maybe wanted to teach us that it was cruel to make fun of people because of their appearance. Well, I never got it, that he intended to teach us a lesson..."
Anakin chuckled and lightly pulled Obi-Wan's Padawan braid. "Well, you've finally got it now. Better late than never, right? You should tell Master Yoda next time you see him. Yeah, and maybe apologise for ridiculing him."
"Yes, yes… I cannot avoid remembering such things every time I see him. It makes me feel extremely stupid but, in a certain way, it makes me feel such respect for him."
"Yes, I feel pretty much the same. And you don't really have a reason to feel stupid. I mean, you only did what every Jedi apprentice does a few times during Temple training."
"Now, you're making me curious," Obi-Wan said, grinning cheerfully. "What kind of extremely stupid things did you do?"
Anakin blushed slightly. "It's really embarrassing if you think of it now… Well, alright. Just like you, I didn't understand he intended to teach us a lesson with his failed attempts to get his stick back. I felt a bit sorry for him and so I stayed with him after the end of the lesson and helped him get his stick back."
Obi-Wan chuckled. "How cute is that? Man, you were really a helpful and compassionate kid, weren't you?"
Anakin blushed more deeply. "That's not the whole story yet. I didn't understand why he hadn't used the Force to get his stick back. We had just learned how to levitate things and that was my chance to show off, of course. Though I must say, I was a bit confused Yoda couldn't do it himself. I mean, he had taught us how to use the Force to levitate things. But I concluded it was maybe too difficult to him to levitate things which were so high above. I explained to him how to do it."
"How old were you?" Obi-Wan giggled, clearly enjoying the story.
"Four or five, I think. Well, and as I had to assume I was already much better than Master Yoda in using the Force, I thought I should have a new teacher. And I told him that."
"You didn't!"
"I did." Anakin's blush deepened even more if that was still possible. "I think I said something like, 'Master Yoda, it was nice of you to teach me and your lessons are always fun but if you can't even levitate things properly, I obviously need a new teacher. Someone who is taller and who is a real Jedi Master. Sure, these games we play are nice but that's something for little children and now I want to learn something serious. Master Yoda, you certainly understand that. Could you get me another teacher?' And he didn't contradict me of course. He didn't display his great abilities just to impress a little apprentice who had suddenly delusions of grandeur. He said something like that I was right and very talented of course, and he understood I'd rather have another teacher but he asked me to stay. "Because", he said, "always someone there is who is the best. If the best always leaves the group, in the end no one left there will be. Find your place, you must. Help the others, you will? Help me, you will?" And I believed him, of course. And I answered completely seriously that I was ready to help him."
"How nice of you!" Obi-Wan spluttered. "And how selfless of you to help Master Yoda instead of following your career. That's great. What a wonderful story."
Anakin grinned sheepishly. "Hey, I... I... I was really serious back then," he said, deeply embarrassed.
"I know," Obi-Wan said, laughing. "That's what's so great about this story."
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To Obi-Wan, Anakin had never looked more beautiful. The deep blush which heated his cheeks, the unruly curls, the still wet and reddened eyes and the almost timid smile... Obi-Wan loved him still more for everything of that. He loved Anakin because he had been such a cute kid, he loved him for telling him that story, he loved him for being embarrassed by it, he loved him for crying...
"I love you," he finally said the words aloud and he pulled Anakin into a deep, passionate kiss. It was the first real kiss they shared. Before, it had always been one of them kissing the other. Now both of them kissed each other and the sensation of it made Obi-Wan's stomach churn and caused a prickling heat running through his body. It seemed they were laughing and crying at the same time. Anakin tasted exactly as Obi-Wan had remembered it: wet and salty.
When they pulled back, both slightly out of breath, Obi-Wan took a long time to just look at Anakin, who lay underneath him, displaying his trust in Obi-Wan like that. He did not know if they would ever find themselves in such a situation again. With the war going on, you could never be sure of tomorrow. And did Anakin really want this? Would he want it tomorrow again or would it have no meaning then anymore? Then there was the Jedi Code… But no matter what tomorrow would bring, here and now they were, and for this blissful moment, everything was perfect. Obi-Wan took a deep breath, trying to memorise this moment with all his senses.
"Thanks," Anakin said in a hoarse voice, gently touching Obi-Wan's lips with his fingers. "Thank you for helping me remember. And for helping me forget."
Obi-Wan loved the way Anakin almost timidly touched him, he loved the way Anakin's breath quickened when Obi-Wan touched him in certain places, he loved the way Anakin lay perfectly still when Obi-Wan had both of them fully undressed and lowered himself down on Anakin again.
"I love you so much," Obi-Wan whispered and captured Anakin's lips in a moist kiss again.
They continued talking of their childhood memories, kissing, talking, caressing and laughing. But soon the talking trailed off and the kissing and moaning increased. Childhood memories were forgotten. There were more interesting matters at hand. It was awkward and clumsy at first. But then, when they had both confessed (with lots of stuttering and blushing) that they had no experience at all and were really unsure what to do next, they agreed to just do what felt good. And it felt good. It definitely did.
At long last, Obi-Wan rolled down from Anakin. Exhausted, sweaty and happy. He had never felt so happy in his life before. Closing his eyes, he nestled closer against Anakin's equally heated and sweaty body. A broad smile crossed Obi-Wan's lips when, in his mind, he relived the wonderful sensations they had just shared.
"I love you," he whispered once again and then he got very tired and almost fell asleep. Almost.
Suddenly, something was wrong. Obi-Wan sensed it even before it happened. Anakin had been perfectly relaxed the whole time but suddenly something in his body tensed. Before Obi-Wan could react, Anakin rolled away, turning his back to Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan's arm which had been wound around Anakin's chest felt strangely empty. Dread rising in his chest, Obi-Wan stared at Anakin's naked back. He stared at the two long scars which formed a cross on Anakin's back. Obi-Wan wanted to ask where he had got these scars from. There were so many other things he wanted to learn about Anakin…
"Anakin?" Obi-Wan whispered uncertainly.
"I'm sorry," Anakin said in a strangely high-pitched voice. His shoulders seemed to be shaking. Was he crying again? Cautiously, Obi-Wan put a hand on Anakin's shoulder but Anakin tensed even more under the touch.
"Don't," Anakin choked quietly.
Obi-Wan removed his hand from Anakin's shoulder as quickly as if he had been burned. It pained him to see Anakin visibly recoil from his touch. It was scary how fast everything could change: A few moments before, everything had seemed perfect. Had it been just an illusion?
"Anakin? What – what is it?" Obi-Wan asked. He could not stop his voice from trembling.
Anakin did not answer. His shoulders shaking (and Obi-Wan was sure now that he was crying), he just lay there, his back turned to Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan felt terribly empty and helpless.
Finally, Anakin said something. His voice was so quiet it was barely audible. "I miss him so much."
Obi-Wan understood perfectly. There was no question who 'he' was. The realisation was like a hard stab into Obi-Wan's chest. It hurt to learn that he was nothing but a poor substitute for Qui-Gon. It hurt to think that Anakin had only used him. Maybe Anakin had hoped he could forget Qui-Gon like that. "Couldn't you have chosen anyone else to – to release your emotions or get comfort or whatever?" Obi-Wan hated the fact that his voice was shaking but he could not stop anymore. "Couldn't you have just asked any of the clone troopers? I know, I know, they're human just like us and it's not right to use them but what about me? Am I not human? Force, Anakin, couldn't you have at least chosen someone who's not so hopelessly, stupidly in love with you?!" His words had turned out more and more into an open accusation. But when he saw Anakin's shaking frame and heard his soft sobs, his anger faded in the blink of an eye. It hurt and still he could not bring himself to be angry at Anakin, who was looking a picture of misery. If what Anakin needed was comfort, Obi-Wan was willing to give it to him.
"I'm sorry," Anakin said again. "I don't want to hurt you, Obi-Wan, b-b-but I c-can't do this."
"That's alright," Obi-Wan assured him, forcing his voice to sound steady. "You don't have to apologise. I never really expected something like that." It had been a dream, a wonderful dream. But nothing more... just a dream. And a dream it would stay.
"You didn't expect what?" Anakin asked and slowly turned around to look at Obi-Wan again. He was so beautiful... Suddenly, Obi-Wan felt horribly exposed. He fact that he was stark naked made him terribly self-conscious. He was a stupid dreamer! How could he have ever presumed something like that could really happen between him and Anakin?!
Obi-Wan awkwardly scrambled into a sitting position and stared down at his hands. His voice sounded hollow when he finally answered Anakin's question. "I never really expected you to, um, fall in love with, well... with someone like me."
"Someone like you? What do you mean?"
"What do I mean? Well, just look at us. You are a Jedi Master, a General. You're just good at everything. You're extremely handsome, you're famous, and you're a hero. Everyone loves you. You could have everyone." Feeling extremely stupid, Obi-Wan tried to shrug casually. "To sum it up: you're perfect."
"I am not perfect," Anakin protested. "Not at all. Nobody is perfect."
"You are," Obi-Wan said gloomily.
"Don't say that!" Anakin protested fiercely, tears in his eyes again. "That's what everyone says. They try to make me perfect but I am not. I cannot be perfect."
"To me, you are perfect," Obi-Wan insisted. "I…love you, Anakin, and if you say you're not perfect – fine. I don't care. I'll still love you."
Anakin swallowed. "I'm sorry, Obi-Wan," he said in a small voice. "But I cannot do this. I cannot love you."
"Because we are Jedi? I'm sorry if I forced you into anything –"
"Don't be stupid, you didn't force me into anything. I'm sorry I was not strong enough to stop. Qui-Gon once taught me that it was okay to love as long as it did not interfere with your Jedi duties. And I did love Qui-Gon. In a different way, of course. He was like a father to me; he was always there for me in a way no one had ever been there for me before. I had an attachment to him, yes, and you see what it has done to me, what a wreck of a person I have become. Maybe you are strong enough to be both a Jedi and in love. But I'm not. I'm not… I am a Jedi Master but I've never got over his death. I cannot do it again: form an attachment. I'm afraid to do it. I don't have any strengths left for that. There's nothing I can give to you."
"But you don't have to give anything to me!" Obi-Wan said desperately. "I don't ask anything of you! Couldn't we just –"
"No," Anakin said firmly. "That wouldn't be right. You deserve better than that."
"And what about you?" Obi-Wan asked quietly. "Tell me, why did you do it? Did you enjoy it?"
"I..." Anakin's cheeks reddened slightly. "Yes, I enjoyed it..."
"And I enjoyed it too. So why deny it? If it's only comfort what you seek – that's alright to me. We can have meaningless sex, or if you feel lonely, we can just embrace and sleep together and nothing has to happen. I don't ask for your love. We can stay friends and be intimate, whatever you like."
Anakin smiled a little bit. "That's such a Jedi thing of you to say, Obi-Wan."
"Uh, what? I didn't realise mindless sex was a Jedi thing."
"I meant that your offer is selfless."
Embarrassed, Obi-Wan grinned. "Offering you to sleep in one bed with me has nothing to do with selflessness."
Anakin smiled widely at him. "You know very well what I mean."
"Oh, um, if you say so..." Obi-Wan nervously toyed with his Padawan braid. "So now what?"
Anakin sighed softly. "I don't know. Could you... I mean, would it be okay if you just embraced me again, like the other nights?" he asked shyly. "It, well, it always makes me feel better..."
"Yes, of course. Come here."
Anakin crawled towards him and leant against his chest. "Thanks," he muttered when Obi-Wan put his arms around him.
"Is this alright or would you rather put some clothes on?" Obi-Wan asked him because both of them were still naked and Obi-Wan was not sure if it made Anakin feel uncomfortable.
"It's alright to me," Anakin said. "What about you?"
"I'm fine. I'm just a bit tired."
"Yes, you're right, we should really sleep now." They lay down together and Obi-Wan pulled a blanket over them. Anakin switched off the light with a wave of his hand and for a moment, they just lay there in the darkness, listening to each other's breathing in the silence.
"So you still miss Qui-Gon?" Obi-Wan whispered.
"Yes. Very much… I felt so lonely all those years until we finally met again... I wonder, how does this sound to you, Obi-Wan? Your Master went missing a few weeks ago, and you have to comfort me because my Master died several years ago."
"Well, I told you I know Master Dooku is still alive. He's not dead, so there's no reason to grieve. Sure, I miss him and I worry all the time. Being with you helps me. If I was alone, it'd be much worse."
"Hm. Can you promise me one thing?"
"That depends."
Anakin chuckled softly. "I knew you'd say that. Well, promise me you'll come to me if there's ever anything I can do for you."
"Oh, right, that's not such a hard promise."
"I was being seriously."
"And so was I."
"Do you promise?"
"Yes."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. And here comes the first time I remind you of that promise: There is something you can do for me now: Stop repeating the same question again and again and just be quiet. I'm dead tired."
Anakin chuckled again. "Alright, I will do that. Goodnight, Obi-Wan."
He snuggled closer against Obi-Wan and he really kept his promise and stayed silent.
Obi-Wan's thoughts drifted back to the day Qui-Gon had died. He still remembered how that day had changed Anakin. It had happened when Anakin had disappeared into the palace chamber where Qui-Gon's body had been laid on a bier. He had been frightened of going into that room but he had wanted to be alone with Qui-Gon for a few minutes. I'm going to wait here for you. That was what Obi-Wan had told him. But the weeping boy had not come back. Instead, a young Jedi Knight had walked out of the doors.
Obi-Wan had kept the promise he had given to that frightened, desperate, lonely boy. He had waited for a very long time. But now the boy had finally dared to come out of the chamber with the dead body again, where he had been locked up for so long.