Author's note: I'm really sorry for the length of time between the chapters, it's been a long week for different reasons and so here is finally the next chapter, this one is definitely the calm before the storm, but if you do not like to read smut...this is then definitely NOT a chapter for you. Lots of dialogue at first, but about midway down you'll want to just stop reading, just an fyi!
Thank you to all my wonderful reviewers who are gently ask for updates, I'm hoping this week isn't nearly as rough as the past two have been. Thank you for being patient, and thanks for the wonderful words to each of my reviewers including you wondertastic guests that I can truly thank personally like I wish too!
John stared at the ceiling unable to sleep. He wasn't taking his pain medication as much anymore, not when he was feeling better. John had a difficult time sleeping before his months of torture, but since then his insomnia had gotten worse. John still felt exposed, naked, and raw from this afternoon's earlier conversation with Joss. He hated it, hated the despair that seeped out of him, he felt embarrassed remembering the sobs that escaped him. He was a damned soldier, he was a monster, why did he feel anything?! John hated feeling vulnerable, he blamed it on Joss. Every time his eyes closed all he thought about was her warm body on his, kissing her, touching her, needing her. He loved her. He supposed he had been in love with for a long while now, she had been what kept him going, kept him alive during his months of hell. Joss had been able to get him to release some of his anguish, John didn't wish to share his pain with anyone, yet with her he had.
"I'm in love with you, John." John squeezed his eyes shut, trying desperately to work that memory from his heart and brain. But he couldn't, it wouldn't go.
"You're drunk."
"Yes I am, but it won't change how I feel tomorrow or the next day, or any day after that, John. I love you and I don't fall in love easily."
John opened his eyes, staring up at the ceiling, that night fresh on his mind, she had been so utterly vulnerable with him. Sobbing in agony, he hadn't known what to do for her, hadn't known that she had that deep of feelings for him. But he should have known, he should have figured it out; what was swimming in her dark chocolate orbs when they had talked that night after their first kiss they shared. It was swimming in them then, he had seen it, but foolishly he turned a blind eye. He didn't want to think the strong, independent, intelligent, and beautiful Jocelyn Carter was in love with him.
"You didn't make me fall in love, I fell in love with you because you're easy to love."
"Stop."
"What, what's not to love, John?"
"How about all the things I've done in the past?"
"But I'm not in love with the man from the past, I'm in love with John Reese, the man that is standing here with me today. The man that is slowly healing from his past, his demons, from his emotional wounds he has just recently suffered. I love you, John; I love your mind, your body and your heart."
John beat his fist against the mattress before throwing his comforter off, and forced his body up. He eyed the clock on the nightstand, seeing it was midnight, knowing she needed sleep, but he didn't care. He grabbed his crutch before getting up. John ignored his aches as he moved towards the door. She had been right, he had overdone things. John exited his bedroom, seeing her form on the couch, it was dark inside the apartment.
"Did you mean it?" he demanded gruffly, hoping she was awake but in the end it wouldn't matter. He needed to talk with her about this, or he wasn't ever gonna get any sleep himself.
"J-John?" she sounded half awake, as she sat up. "What's wrong?"
"Did you mean it Joss?" He repeated, not sure what answer he wanted to hear.
"Mean what?" she asked, yawning mightily as she flipped the lamp on beside her, filling them with a soft glow. John felt a kick to the gut as he eyed her. She looked sleepy, her hair rumpled, her face free of makeup, the split lip and bruises didn't detract from her beauty she was the most beautiful woman he ever saw in his life. "What are you talking about?"
"When you were drunk."
The sleep fled from her eyes. "You know I did."
"The part where you said you could love me even though I did horrible things. How, how can you love me?"
"You're not that man anymore, you did those things when you worked for the agency."
"I've killed since the agency, Joss. I killed Detective Stills."
"Its not that black and white, John." She pushed her blanket off of her and she stood up. "I meant every word that night. I still do." She was standing in front of him, he grabbed the back of her neck, pulling her to him, and kissed her. He was careful of her goose-eggs. Joss sighed, wrapping her arms around his neck, kissing him back with equal intensity when she pushed her lips from his. Her hands were on his hips while her lips on his neck.
"John-" she breathed.
She was the light that shouldn't ever touch him, he was a damned monster belonging to the shadows and god help him, he couldn't push her away. John sought her mouth again, kissing her desperately feeling as if he was falling and she was the only thing that could catch him. He leaned on his crutch while he sucked on her lower lip gently. Joss's hands were grasping his butt while his hands held her gently so he could kiss her more passionately. Joss pushed out of the kiss. "I-I can't keep doing this," she moaned as he skimmed his fingertips down her sides pausing on her subtle hips.
"I love you," he said quietly, her breath hitched, and she grabbed his cheeks. He leaned his forehead against hers, feeling her press kisses to his cheeks. "I know I shouldn't…" Joss shook her head ceasing his words with a kiss to his lips. It was soft, tender, and loving before she pushed out of it again.
"We love each other, " she whispered before finding his pulse, kissing him there. John clutched her to him, while she ran her tongue against his skin. "It's okay to feel, John," she whispered against his skin, his eyes closed as he moved a little giving her better access to his neck.
"You deserve better, any man is lucky to have you," he moaned. He was failing miserably in his clumsy attempt to make her understand she could have any man she chose. She didn't have to settle for him, because that would be what she was doing…settling. He wasn't some damn prize, he had a lot of flaws, he didn't know how to open up, and she just deserved more. John was having a hard time, keeping the noble idea of letting her go if she wanted him to, because she felt so good in his arms, she felt so right there. She pulled back just enough to gaze into his eyes intensely. It was dark in the living room, but he could still make out her eyes, he saw honesty pulsing there.
"I choose you, John. I only want you, you are the only man I can imagine myself moving on with. You're the only man I want to try again with." She paused, seemingly gathering breath. "I'm scared, when I told you I wasn't ready for anything that was the truth. It may still be the truth but I can't stop feeling the way I do even if I tried. I do love you, I'm not sure if that's enough for both of us since we've been burned by love, we've both been hurt badly before." She moved closer to him, he felt her raise herself on her tippy toes so she was closer to eye level with him. Her hands on his shoulders. "But I'm not scared enough to not plunge into this. Say you'll take the plunge with me," she whispered. He looked at her, her hands rested on his shoulders, her chocolate eyes on his. But he didn't say the words. Hurt shadowed her features. She nodded curtly, before she turned to leave his arms. John caught her around the waist not about to let her go. Joss looked up into his face.
"Joss," his words caught in his throat, he hadn't done this in such a very long time. He didn't think he had the right to choose her; she was beautiful, perfect, and filled with so much light that surely he'd diminish it by touching her. Joss struggled in his arms, he refused to let her go, the words clogged in his throat, he was so afraid to speak them. Afraid because he knew once he did, she'd never let him go, never let him be alone again. Could he be the man she needed was a question that gnawed at him.
"I'm not doing it for you, John, in the end you'll end up hating me, and I can't live with that. You have to say it for yourself, I need to hear you say you choose me too." She was still struggling to get away from him. "Let me go now, I don't want to hurt you." He closed his eyes hearing the pain in her voice. He was hurting her. John tightened his hold around her waist. "John," her voice sounded so sad, John leaned his head down taking her mouth in his. John kissed her for what seemed like an eternity but was only actually a few seconds because Joss stiffened in his arms, and pushed at him. "Stop, stop it, you can't do this to me." He knew that in the back of his mind, he was hoping he could work the courage to tell her he chose her. The last time he tried to ask for a woman to wait for him, it ended badly because he hadn't been able to do so. He didn't want to think about losing this woman, he loved Joss, and it was time to man up. She managed to free herself from his hold, she turned her back to him.
"I choose you, Joss, I choose you to move on with too." A strangled sound escaped her as she whirled around, grabbing his cheeks and kissing him. Her body bumped into his almost knocking him over since he was only on a crutch and one good leg. Joss's hands roamed his hips and butt while his own trailed down the curvature of her spine, she moaned at as his hands made their way to the small of her back, before dipping lower cupping her nice ass in his hands. Her pajama shorts were so short he slid his fingers up the fabric from her thighs and touched her through her panties. Joss's kiss ended on a hot gasp as she pushed from his mouth. She lifted his t-shirt up and he lifted his hands up, his crutch falling to the floor. Joss leaned forward to his body to gently kiss and lick a jagged scar on his upper shoulder. His hands were in her hair.
"No going back John," she moaned against his skin.
"No going back," he agreed, he couldn't even if he wanted to. He couldn't stop himself from wanting this woman. "Uh, Joss-" he sighed as she continued to explore his chest.
"Nu-uh, John, you just promised no going back." she responded as she licked a circle around his flat male nipple. She caught one between her teeth to gently suck on. John gasped.
"Joss, uh-that's not it," he moaned as she scraped her teeth against his nipple before soothing it with her tongue. Joss dipped her hands beneath the elastic of his boxer-briefs.
"Oh then what is it?" she asked as her mouth kissed its way to his other nipple. "You were cleared for sex a week ago. I know since, Kristina told me all about it, she was very happy to hear that you could rev your engine up," she said dancing her tongue across his chest.
"Well for starters we're in the living room, your son can walk out at any moment to find us almost having sex." He was proud of himself for being able to speak an intelligible sentence in his current state. Joss's mouth lifted off his chest, her hands still very much in his underwear.
"Crap, with our luck, he'll wake up to get water or something." She made a sound as she removed her hands from his underwear, patting his butt gently. She picked up his crutch and shirt from the floor. Joss handed him the crutch, while she slung his shirt on her shoulder, before she grabbed his free hand tugging him towards his bedroom. John paused her. She looked up expectantly at him.
"Joss, you were nearly raped I don't want you moving too fast-"
She smiled softly.
"I love you, John, I love that you care about me like that. But I'm sure. I've wanted to be with you for a long time now."
"Joss, once we get in there, I won't be able to stop." He needed her to make sure because once they entered that bedroom he knew what would happen. He hadn't had sex in over a year, his abstinence was a combination of things like he couldn't find a woman he wanted to bed, then he was grabbed and tortured, and then he was healing. Joss wasn't just any woman, he loved her and wanted her, but he didn't want to be moving too quickly for her own sake. "We can wait, if its what you need-" he'd do what he didn't want to, he'd take matters into his own hands, literally.
"John, you're so sweet, but hear me when I say I want this. I want you, I love you, and I want to be with you."
"Don't you want a date?" he asked trying to stall for some reason. She smiled seemingly sensing what he was doing.
"John, its not like we're strangers, hopping into the sack. I want dates, I want to spend time with you as a man and a woman, but more importantly for now its not possible. I want to be with you, tonight. But I'm getting the feeling you don't, for some reason. Its not because you are having issues-uh-rising to the occasion." Joss smirked as her eyes slid down his body before lifting back to his eyes. "So its something else. Let me guess, you can nod or shake your head if I'm right or not." He sighed. "Is it because it won't be just sex between us?" His eyes widened as she spoke. "Ah, so that's it. John Reese, you are stalling me for sex because you know its gonna be more than just that. More than just physical gratification. You are truly the most adorable man I have ever met."
"Joss, I'm not adorable." he scowled at even being considered adorable. Puppies and kittens were adorable, he was not. Joss nodded her head, as she took his hand helping him into his room.
"You know you claiming you're not adorable, with that cute little scowl on your face makes you even more adorable." She said enclosing them in his bedroom, throwing his shirt on the floor.
"I'll show you adorable." he whispered, catching her around the waist yanking her to him. Joss sighed happily as he dipped his head to kiss her. John slid his tongue into her mouth to touch hers, and she moaned as his tongue danced with hers. She pushed his crutch out from under him. He broke the kiss, struggling to remain on one good leg, but Joss easily pushed him backwards onto the bed.
"Definitely, not adorable." She moaned as she squatted down nibbling at his good knee while her hands gently touched his injured leg that was slowly healing. Joss moved back, eyeing his leg, seeing the scar where the doctor repaired his knee. She pressed a tiny kiss to his leg before she stood up, gently taking his ankle and helping him lift his injured leg onto the bed. John just got comfy on the bed when she followed him, climbing on top of him, kissing him. Joss pushed him back with subtle pressure on his shoulders until he laid back on his pillows while she kissed him hotly. John felt his insides singed by her, she broke the kiss as she settled on top of him more firmly. His growing arousal was fitting snuggly between her warm thighs. "Joss, hold up-" a thought just crossed his mind. However, Joss didn't seem to care; he thought of something that was going to halt this entire night. She was back caressing his chest with her tongue.
"No." she moaned as she licked a slow trail down his chest to stop shy of his navel.
"I don't have any condoms," he blurted out.
"Mmmm," she hummed against him before she lifted her head up to look at him. "That is a problem," she whispered before she crawled back up his body to capture his lips again with hers. John kissed her back, trying to reign himself in knowing she still had to be sore from what happened. He pushed out of the kiss.
"Joss, we can't do this unless we have a condom." She sat back, and smiled. She bounced off his bed, running to the door opening it before rushing out of the room her hair flying. He slowly leaned up on his forearms to look around, wondering where she went off in that sort of hurry. Joss reappeared with a big box of condoms. His eyes went wide. She shrugged as she slid the door shut once more.
"I got them from Kristina for Christmas." His nurse Kristina!
"WHAT!"
"It was a gag gift John! Sheesh, she thinks you're dating Shaw."
"So what-she wants you to have sex with an army?" he demanded as he eyed the big box of 100 condoms.
"She thought I was pining away for you, she wanted me to move on, thinking you were in a happy relationship with Sam." she climbed back onto the bed flopping the box next to him.
I've never seen a box of 100 condoms before." He smiled looking at the box while Joss climbed onto him. "A box of 36 maybe, or even a 12 pack." John said as he was pushed back onto his back and looked up at her. "You're not listening to me."
She chuckled as she had resumed caressing his chest, his hands rubbing her arms.
"You're right, I'm not, it's going in one ear and out the other. Plus, I'm sort of hurt you aren't distracted, but I'll try again." John moaned as her wicked tongue dipped into his navel as her hand brushed his erection. He felt her smile against his skin, when she nipped him before shifting back up his body. "Much better, I hope regular size is gonna be alright John." she whispered against his ear.
"It will be fine." he said as she settled herself on top of him again.
"Are you sure? You feel-" she paused as she ground into him, making him moan again, completely forgetting about the box. "-much bigger than average."
"Joss," his hands grasped her hips desperately trying to stop her. He hadn't had sex in over a year. He wouldn't be able to handle this too long. Joss paused in slowly driving him insane and peered down at him solemnly.
"Roll onto your side, John."
"Why?" he didn't want to do that. She would stare at his mangled back, surely that would be a turn off, seeing his scars.
"Please." John didn't want too, he tensed, but did as she asked. He slowly rolled onto his side, laying heavily on his good leg careful of his injured leg, he felt her lay behind him. "Oh John," she rubbed her cheek against his back. He closed his eyes as she pressed her lips to his healing flesh.
"Stop," he whispered as her tongue traced a jagged scar on his back. He felt overwhelmed; he didn't want her touching something so disgusting. "Please Joss, stop." she pressed one last kiss to his back before pulling on his arm to roll him onto his back so they were face to face.
"John, they are a part of you."
"They're ugly."
She leaned forward and kissed his lips; her hand skimmed down his side before it slid beneath the elastic of his underwear. John moaned as he moved closer to her, she sighed into the kiss. John wanted to get her beneath him. John rolled her over, he sucked in a ragged gasp of pain as his injured leg hit the mattress awkwardly shooting hot waves of pain up his leg.
"John, you okay?" he nodded but she pushed him onto his back before she slid back on top of him. "Your leg is hurt, sorry but you're gonna be on your back for a while." she smirked down at him. "I personally enjoy getting the top."
"I bet you do." He lifted his head and caught her mouth with his while his hands palmed her breasts. Joss moaned happily. She pushed out of the kiss to pull her pajama top up and off her. John sucked in a breath seeing her naked breasts. He palmed her full breasts again, loving the sound she made. John pinched, rolled, and plucked hard at her nipples which made her gasp and roll her hips against his. John released one, sitting up quickly ignoring the small pain in his leg, and settled his mouth on her. Joss wrapped her arms around his neck, holding him up as he licked, sucked, lavished her one breast and nipple with loving attention. She leaned forward pressing him back onto the bed. Joss pulled her body from his before she slid from on top of him to rid them both of the rest of their clothing. John stared at her, he couldn't help it. She was so beautiful every inch of her. His eyes got stuck between her legs, his hand stroking her thigh, wanting to touch her and pleasure her.
"I get to see this beautiful guy again," she scooted even closer to him, wrapping her small hand around him, which made his hips involuntarily jerk up which made her smile lightly.
"You stared enough. I thought you had memorized what I looked like naked."
"Oh I did, I replayed that delicious memory nightly, making me very deliciously wet." He beat the mattress beside him with his other hand.
"Joss, don't say things like that to a man who hasn't had sex in a very long time," John said half humorously and half not. John was having a hard time thinking, which wasn't usual for him.
"John can I tell you a secret?" she whispered. Her hand was stroking his length, making it impossible to concentrate on what she was saying. He nodded his head. She leaned over him, her mouth near his ear. "I would get so hot thinking of you in this way John, I pleasured myself." he shuddered before grabbing her, kissing her desperately. His hands roaming her body, Joss sighed but her hand never stopped stroking him. He reached down and removed her hand from him. He was fully erect, more than ready for her, but he wanted to taste her first.
"Come here," he whispered ignoring his body's needs once again. She furrowed her brows as he shimmied down a little, laying flat on his back.
"What?" She said confused.
He pulled her up to him. "Get on your knees, Joss, and spread your legs." he tugged until she figured out what he meant. Joss sighed as she slowly did as he requested. She slid the backs of her legs under his shoulders, her hands grasping the headboard her eyes cast downwards where he laid between her legs. He reached up, grabbing a hold of her hips, and he leaned his head up and licked. Joss's hips moved closer then before, she must have been afraid she was going to smother him or something. Her moan was music to his ears, he held her hips while he explored her entire sex. Joss was leaning against the headboard, moaning, her one hand grabbing her breast. John eyed her as he slid his tongue into her slick entrance and she gasped as he just slid the tip of his tongue in and out mimicking what he wanted to do with his cock. He dragged his tongue against her labia lazy like while she was made sexy moans, he felt her thighs tensing. John moved to kiss her clitoris once before he opened his mouth and sucked on her clit lightly. Joss cried his name softly, her hand that had been strumming her nipple came down into his hair, he knew she was close. John held her hips tightly and sucked hard while gently flicking her with his tongue. Joss went off, her hips surged forward, her body convulsed on top of his, and he tried to hold her, struggling to breathe through his nostrils. When finally her orgasm seemed to fade, the whimpers from her ceased, he gave one last sweet kiss to her.
"God damn John, you're amazing at that." she said unevenly as she removed herself from his hold. Joss gently rubbed at his face, cleansing him a little from her, then she kissed him, moaning softly. Her hand was trying to snake down to grab him, but he stopped its descent. He broke the kiss.
"Joss, get a condom, I can't have you touching me."
"Someone that close?" She smiled knowingly.
"Yes," he said tensely. She seemed to realize he wasn't kidding and nodded. She grabbed a condom and tore into it. He reached for it, which she held out of his reach. John tried again to grab it, which she seemed to find highly amusing as she played keep away with the condom.
"I get to put it on."
"I can't have you touching me." he responded again.
"I get to put it on, you'll just have to think of something to keep you from cumming," she crooned as she began rolling the condom onto him painstakingly slowly.
"Oh fuck, Joss hurry up." he never was this mindless about getting inside a woman as he was right now. She chuckled.
"What a naughty mouth you have in more ways than one, John." When she finally had the damn condom on him he grabbed her hips yanking her back onto him. She was on her hands and knees not lowering herself onto him yet. "Next time I get to have some fun with this guy." She reached back to touch him. "But I can see how close you are, so I'll be a good girl and give you what you want." she smiled her lip splitting again, blood slightly oozed out. John was about to comment when all his breath stopped as she impaled herself on him, without warning and without reservation. He moaned as she sat on top of him not moving. She was so tight, he felt like he was stretching her, touching every part of her, and his insides twisted with need. Joss's moans were soft as she adjusted to his size.
"I have got to be put back on the pill," she shuddered as she slowly raised up and lowered back onto him. "You feel amazing, but the condom is in the way." she gasped as she gently began riding him. John moaned, his hands on her hips which she pushed away. So instead he reached up to grasp her breasts, but she grabbed his hands took them down and held them to the bed. John groaned as she sped up. Her mouth on his, while she dragged in ragged gasps of breath, and he lifted his hips to meet her downward thrusts. Joss pulled out of the kiss, sitting up, to fling her head back, her movements were getting frenzied, more hurried and her breasts making soft plopping noises as she did so; his hands on her hips pulling her down onto him harder.
"I love you, John," she moaned. John gasped trying to fight the need to cum. She wasn't making it easy as she climaxed wildly around him, his name was cried from her, she contracted around him violently. Her spasms rippled against his cock, which kick started his own orgasm he had been trying to ward off. John groaned grabbing hard at her hips, trying to remain quiet as his own orgasm coursed through his body, after a few minutes John limply collapsed back onto the bed, breathing hard and stared up at the ceiling when Joss slumped against him. She was soft weight on top of him as she breathed rapidly, laying her sweaty forehead against his. "Wow," she sighed contentedly.
"You're amazing Joss," he breathed into her ear.
"Me, look whose talking! I think I was just transported to another realm because that was out of this world." She moaned with a soft laugh, still not moving from on top of him or removing him from inside her.
"You just want to be on top all the time," he whispered and she smiled against his skin.
"Even my bones feels sated John. I can't move," she sighed which he smiled. He yawned slightly.
"Neither can I."
"Yeah, because I'm squishing you." She moaned reluctantly pushing herself off of him. She eyed him. "God, John." She snuggled next to him.
"What?" he asked lightly as he gently traced his fingers up and down her arm.
"Is there anything you aren't extraordinary at? You're an amazing shot, you're an amazing cook, you kiss like nobody's business, you are downright wicked at oral sex, and sex with you just might have split me in half." He smiled as he sat up. He held out to her the forgotten box of condoms that had laid next to them. She gladly took it, he reached over for his crutch before climbing off the bed.
"I could ask you the same thing Joss; but to answer your question, I'm terrible at jigsaw puzzles." She snorted with laughter. "It's true, and I'll be right back." He smiled as he used his crutch to help him get to his bathroom so he could dispose of the used condom and clean up a little. He was in there for only a minute or so before she followed him taunting him with her beautiful naked body. She reached up to kiss him before pushing back.
"I have to get back onto the couch, can't have my teenage son figuring out I'm sleeping with you. We'll be married off if he finds that out." she chuckled.
"He seems to want something to happen with us."
"I know, which is why I think its best we keep what's going on between us to just ourselves. I don't want Taylor getting his hopes up when things might not work out for us." John nodded his head in agreement.
"I agree, I don't want to hurt Taylor or you."
"You won't." she kissed his chest before reluctantly pulling from him. "I guess I'll go get dressed again, go lay all by my lonesome on that lumpy couch." she sighed dejectedly. He watched her as she went back out of the bathroom, he wished for her to sleep with him all night but it wasn't possible. At least not yet, not until they figured some things out, and that wouldn't be for a while.
Author's note: Okay so, smut YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY, poor John and Joss both so damaged but that's why I adore them so much. Broken characters just make me SQUEE, then two damaged characters slowly falling in love makes me into a puddle of goo on the floor. Next chapter has our team coming up with the absolute WORST plan ever to take down the bad guys, Leon makes an appearance, and some fluff filled moments and some slightly angstier moments all rolled into one chapter :D
Plus I have a surprise for all those people that have been impatiently waiting for Precious Moments...I will be posting the first chapter today :D I'll probably being doing another chapter of Time Lapse tomorrow either really early in the morning before work, or late in the afternoon after work. There's only a few chapters left of Time Lapse I believe there's about 5 more. Anyways thanks as always for reading and reviewing, I hope you enjoyed the smuttiliciousness(I love making up new words lol) of this chapter.