Saturday January 11th
Tris POV
I try to sleep but I can't.
I'm still worried. I know the oncologist is pretty sure that one of us will be matching for the bone marrow transplant, but I can't help it.
I discovered that Matthew had it partly wrong in saying we had no other way than Adam for the transplant, because it is a matter of HLA (Human leukocyte antigen) typing , which is not the same as ABO blood typing. The doctor said we receive the markers 50% from each parent so it's likely that someone in the family matches but not always. I understood an adult donor must match at least 6 out of 8 HLA markers, but many transplant centers require at least a 7 of 8 match, which seems to be difficult to find. We agreed to have a test for all of us, even Theo, because Tobias insisted we should know what options are. I don't like it though. We should get the results in a few days. I hope that Tobias or I will be compatible.
I know that they say the transplant is completely safe for the donor nowadays, and everything will be all right, but I know that an adult is likely to go through it better than a child. And it is also clear that there is a risk of failure. He explained that, sometimes, the transplanted cells recognize the recipient's cells as "foreign" and attack them. That can turn pretty bad for the transplanted one. I don't like it either. I know that doctors nearly always enhance the good side of things and minimize the risks. I remember… every day.
Anyway, I still stuck to my backup plan, just in case none of us is compatible. Adam didn't locate the file yet, but he can't look too much for it not to be spotted on the network.
I try to sleep but I can't.
I keep thinking about Natalie back at school. What if her state gets bad? Will she let me know? I know the doctor said he needed a few weeks to arrange for a treatment and so she could go back to the dance school, but I don't like it. I know she won't spare herself and I'm afraid she exhausts herself and weakens her body. I have read about Leukemia and treatments seem to be very aggressive.
I feel his kiss in my neck, but I try not to move, to let him think I'm asleep. He goes on kissing me and I feel his hand on my hip, looking for the end of my T-shirt.
I don't want to let him guess I feel nothing right now, so I grunt "let me sleep." Hoping he will let down.
I'm sure he knows I wasn't sleeping because it's the third time this happens since Christmas, which means we have not been intimate for weeks. He says "Tris, what's wrong with you? Are you angry with me?"
I groan "Nothing wrong. I'm tired that's all. And I'm not in the mood really." I shouldn't have said that but it's too late.
This time he sits up and turns the light on. "You're not leaving me again are you?"
I turn around to face him, so it gives myself away that I was not sleeping. "What do you mean?"
"Every time pain became too hard, you have gone away from me. You know I want to help you but every time I try, you despise me and go away. Please don't do it again. Stay with me this time and let's face it together."
It strikes me hard, how this sounds right. I'm trying to sort this out on my own again, without telling him about my plan. Am I so selfish now, that I can't trust him anymore? Or maybe I feel stronger on my own. I was not like that before.
"You think I can't understand don't you? Just because of this crap about being a mother and having your children in your own body that is so different from what men understand."
Things are going a very nasty way now. I respond "Not at all. I know you care. It's just that we have a different way to deal with things, and mine is to... sort of… get inside myself. I need to be on my own. I just need more time."
"And what if I need you? You're not just a mother you know. We're a couple, remember? We should rely on each other." I swallow that one. I never really thought about him. I was so concerned by dealing with my own pains and worries that I realize I never asked myself if he coped with it, or if he needed help at all. I'm suddenly ashamed of myself and I don't know what to say to this.
He goes on "Please say something."
"I'm not sure you want to discuss this now. I don't want to argue with you."
"Maybe we should argue a little: at least that would resemble talking."
"How dare you tell me this, you're the one who is unable to talk to Adam and Natalie. You leave all the bad news for me to explain, and stay here looking at your feet. How do you think I feel about this? Is that the couple sharing you're talking about?
I see him flinch and I feel satisfied that my blow hit him right. My anger rises now and I'm so tired and worried that I can't control it. "Sometimes I feel you take more care if this city than your own family!"
"You know we have this food supply problems for months. And it's getting worse with the snow. I try to keep everyone fed in case you didn't notice! Anyway, I have never been so good at talking, you know that... I don't know how to speak about the bad news, but I thought I could talk with you."
I respond harshly "So that's convenient isn't it? You don't know how, so I have to do it. That is unfair! And you notice that I always try to deal with our family problems first, which doesn't mean I don't have problems with my job too. I don't want to go on arguing with you."
I get up and leave to sleep on the couch; I don't want to go on.
"Tris! Come back and talk to me!" I turn back.
"You don't want to talk; you want me to say what you want. You want to make me feel guilty because I don't care about the food supply as much as I care for the kids. You want me to say that I am okay for a transplant for Natalie. I'm sorry I can't. So have a good night."
I close the door without turning back. I immediately regret it but I don't know what to do now. Instead of staying on the couch, I go to my office to work. At least I can try to do something useful, but when I sit down, I burst into tears.
A/N : Here's the next chapter. I apologize if there's some doctor or nurse reading this, because even I try to research about the medical or scientific topics, I'm afraid I will never be accurate enough. So sorry for any mistakes about treatments or symptoms or hospital rules in here…