We'll Never be Royals
Theon
He should not have drank that much.
His head was pounding, he couldn't see straight and Robb kept laughing which he knew was bad because Robb didn't usually laugh when people were wasted unless they had broken more than one thing on the way home.
It was 12 and he was still trying to fall back asleep. Rickon had come in a few times, poked him, and asked if he was dead. Theon would smack at his head and he'd run away, and Theon would think about Kyra some more.
It was about 2 when she came by. Theon was halfway through his second round of watermelons when there was a knock on the door, he answered before a very excited Bran could get to the door.
She was holding a fruit basket.
"Hi! I just came by to make sure you were okay."
"I'm... no, I'm not okay, whyyy- uh, why are you here?"
"I heard ambulance sirens last night after you left to go to the washroom, I was scared. I thought you got beaten up or something."
"Uh, no, the reason I didn't come back was because Robb told me we had to leave. The ambulance was there because someone got stabbed."
"Oh, shit. I hope everything's good with them, I hope it wasn't anyone we know." she handed him the basket. "Okay, feel better, I'll call you later, kay?"
"Okay, sure."
Kyra smiled and ran away down the walk. Theon laid down in the foyer. Catelyn stood over him and smiled,
"See, honey? That's what happens when you drink too much."
"Mom, leave him alone." said Robb, who leaned over him as well, "Was that Kyra?"
"Yeah... I'm gonna call Asha."
"Bad idea, she'd be pissed about you getting wasted, anyway, she's probably making a shitload of calamari right now, and the last thing you need right now is more greasy food."
"Leave me here to die." Robb rolled his eyes and laid down next to him. "This is gay."
"You made it gay by saying it was." Robb sassed.
"How am I gonna eat all this fruit?" Theon whined,
"We're in this together."
The phone rang, and Catelyn answered.
"I hope I didn't scare Kyra off."
"You can't scare her off. I saw her rip the door off a locker once."
"Do you think-"
"Yes, Theon, I think she likes you. Kyra Snow doesn't go around stripping for just anyone."
"...Did anyone find out who got stabbed?"
Robb shrugged, "I heard Domeric Bolton say that it was Dany's brother but I don't believe him."
"Probably some Armenian. God, I never knew Qotho was that big of a bitch, he had three drinks and passed out, he's worse than Sansa-"
There was a scream from inside the kitchen, followed by Catelyn yelling for Ned to come downstairs.
...
Catelyn had gathered them all in the living room. Ned sat with his head in his hands, the kids were sitting on the couch and floor. Theon had a bag of frozen peas on his forehead.
"What happened?" Ned finally choked out,
"I'm so sorry, Ned, Renly said that... he came home from the party and Robert was just bleeding out in the living room, he'd been at a shooting range and... I guess he just lost control of the gun."
"He can't die." Ned whispered plaintively,
"He's in the hospital now, they're not hopeful, but..."
"NOT HOPEFUL?"
"Ned, he's an alcoholic, he was liver damage..."
Jon inhaled heavily. Rickon nestled into Sansa's lap and Bran kept absent-mindedly playing with a hair elastic. No-one spoke, no-one moved, no-one even breathed loudly.
Ned stood up, "I'm going to the hospital."
"Ned, let me come with you."
"No, Cat. That family needs me right now." Ned began putting his coat and shoes on. Catelyn pinched the bridge of her nose and shook her head. When Ned was out the door, Sansa started to cry.
"What the fuck are you crying for?" Robb snapped,
"I need to go be with Joffrey, this must be so hard!"
"That's all you care about right now, your stupid boyfriend?"
"FUCK YOU, ROBB!" Sansa jumped up, shoving Rickon off her lap and running upstairs.
...
They went out for dinner.
Ned was still at the hospital and said he would be until late that night. So Catelyn took all the kids out. They found themselves at the restaurant where Ned and Catelyn had met, the Smoking Log, which wasn't exactly a five-star establishment. The Starks and Theon packed into a booth and Bran parked himself at the end of the table, occasionally picking up his fork and knife, rubbing them together and giving Arya a menacing look. The booth was small and they charged extra to move two tables together so Rickon ended up in Catelyn's lap and Sansa's ass was halfway onto Theon's leg. Jon complained that he couldn't breathe so Catelyn threw up her hands in defeat and he ended up sitting in Bran's wheelchair with his brother on his lap. Theon wished he hadn't left his peas at home.
The waitress came by after a while, and that's when Theon realized he was a fucking idiot. Lo and behold, Kyra emerged wearing a Smoking Log apron.
"Well, hello, Kyra!" said Catelyn,
"Hi, Mrs Stark, how are you?"
"Ah, well, we've been better. Ned's at the hospital with Robert."
"Oh yeah, I heard about that. Can I start you off with some drinks?"
"Theon will be having a tall glass of you!" Bran cackled, Kyra glanced down at him and laughed nervously.
"Actually, I'll have a Coke, but thanks for the consideration, Bran."
"No prob, Bob. As in the Builder."
"I'll have the same." said Sansa, "Hey, have you seen Dany anywhere?"
"Not since the party."
"I'll have a martini." said Bran, "Arya will as well."
"No, you damn well won't." Catelyn snarled, "Just bring those two Sprite and milk for Rickon."
"Moo!" Rickon yelled, chinning himself on the table.
"And for yourself?"
Catelyn inhaled heavily, "Mudslide, and throw a Coffee Crisp in there, I haven't tasted chocolate in a month."
Kyra smiled and walked away.
"Mom, Jon and I didn't order." said Robb.
"Zip it. Share with your siblings."
Kyra came back with a few cans and a mini carton of milk, "Are you ready to order now?"
"Uh, I don't think so." said Catelyn,
"Okay, I'll be back in about fifteen minutes." Kyra left again.
"Mommy." said Rickon, "Do you ever get so mad you just wanna PUNCH A PENGUIN?!" he growled, punching the table and making everyone's cutlery jump a foot in the air. He sucked up some of his milk.
"No, Bicky, not usually."
"Mom, can I get a bucket of wings?" said Bran,
"Oh, sure, if you want to vomit all over the back of the car again."
"THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!"
"You behave yourself unless you want a swift kick to the chops." said Arya, twirling her fork like baton.
Ned
The hospital room was ominous to say the least. It smelled like rubbing alcohol, and plastic and blood.
Cersei was sitting on the windowseat, her face was stained by tears but still as vicious as usual. Joffrey, Myrcella and Tommen were all holding hands. Pycelle, Petyr and Jaime stood silently against a wall.
Robert looked dead already, blood still gushing out of the open wound the bullet had made.
"Oh, God."
"Beautiful, isn't it? I was wasted, Ned, it's a miracle my head is still attached." Robert glared around the room, "Everyone, get out of here, Ned and I have to talk privately."
"No, please, baby..." Cersei begged, shooting Ned a venomous look, "I can't leave you."
"You will leave." Robert ordered, "Or I'll have them drag you out, take the kids."
Cersei stood up and took Myrcella and Tommen's hands. They left silently, followed by everyone else.
"Robert, I-"
"Quiet. Listen, Ned, I know I'm just about out of time. Listen, I can't afford to lose that school. The Targaryen girl is..." Robert trailed off, "They're already on her heels, Pycelle and Petyr, and the Lannisters, and that creepy motherfucker, Varys. If you can, get them to leave her alone, the brother and the boyfriend as well."
"Robert, are you sure?"
"You were right before, I can't let myself die if I'm known as a killer."
"...I'll do what I can."
"And, I-" he fingered the IV, "I can't lose the board, I need you to write something in my will."
"Of course." Ned picked up the piece of paper resting on the night stand and took a pen out of his pocket.
"Concerning my position as principal of Weirwood Heights Secondary School and owner of the Westeros Acres school board, I hereby allow Eddard Stark to take over my position in the event of my demise until my son Joffrey Baratheon turns 18 and is recognized as an adult in the eyes of the Canadian government, therefore inheriting his claim to the educational system I have built for the future."
Ned took the pen off the paper.
My son, Joffrey.
therefore inheriting his claim...
Ned wanted to say what was on his mind. He actually almost did, but Robert glanced at him one last time and whispered, "Go. Get. Tell my kids I want to see them."
...
Cersei found him in the waiting room.
"Well, Ned. I really want to put our differences aside now. We both... loved my husband."
"Since when did you?"
"Are you kidding? I worshipped him, you were at our wedding, you saw the look on my face." Cersei half-yelled, so as not to disturb a young woman a few feet away who was crying, "But you know what? That night, he got into my bed and he stunk of tequila and whispered in my ear 'Lyanna', your sister had been six feet under for over a month, and I was a living girl and I hated that he was in love with her still."
"He doesn't know about the kids."
"I'm sorry, what?"
"Come on, Cersei. I wasn't born yesterday. Lannister genes are strong but I know Baratheon genes are stronger by a landslide."
Cersei paused, and thought for a second. "Jaime and I came into the world together, we shared a womb, we were meant to be together."
"It's illegal. You'll go to jail."
"You think I'm scared of your jail threats? Please, Ned, spare me. My father is one of the most powerful men in Canada, even more so than Robert. I'd watch it, Ned. It's too easy to lose your head when you're a wolf in a system full of lions."