Toby P.O.V
I hate this life. I hate what Jonathan is doing. I hate how he picks on Phil everyday. I hate how he has not reason to do all this. He just wants to.
"J-Jonathan, shall I-I get Phil for his b-beating for y-you?" I asked gingerly as Jonathan sat on my couch which had a few springs out of place and was damp with dirty and decay.
"Yes. You can join in today if you wish" he said that like it was something fun. Like an activity you do on summer camp or something. Of course I wasn't going to do that to Phil. poor, innocent, destroyed, Phil.
"I-I'm ok. I-I'll go get h-him" I stuttered as I shakily walked up the flight of stairs to Phil's room, his was in the attic room. I paused and put my ear to the door. No sounds were there, what had happened?
I unlocked the door with the key I was given and flicked on the landing light so I could see, there he was. Blood everywhere. I began to panic, what did he do? Was this an attempt to escape it all? Do I save him or let him be how he wanted to be? I-I can't let him leave like this! Dan will be heartbroken, I have to save him. Even if he does get beaten he doesn't deserve to die.
"Phil? C-Can you hear me Phil?" I walked closer, knelt down by the side of his bed. When I was close enough I could see the ever so slight up and down of his chest. It made me relax, he wasn't dead, yet. I waited there for awhile, hoping he would come to his senses, but he didn't. Jonathan would be wondering where me and Phil were.
"P-Phil? Y-You need to wake up. P-Please?" I held Phil on my lap, even though I haven't spoken to this boy for seems like years, it's only been months, I can't let him give up, I really can't.
"Because when skies get rough you can't give up, you won't be the one walking away so easily and I'm here to help make the difference I can make for you. We have differences but they teach us what we got. You're still my friend after all and I didn't intend for anything to work, I was selfish, but we won't break and we won't burn in this wreck. We'll have to learn to bend without the world caving in on us. Learn what we have here, learn what we're not and learn who we are. Don't give up Phil." I whispered I'm a hushed tone hoping he could hear me speaking; I didn't want him to be gone. I didn't want to be alone with Jonathan. I didn't want any of this.
(A/N: I just added a few bits from the song as they linked well, ik it's not the lyrics but its my interpretation for this moment in the story. I hope you understand partly why I chose the title now as it's gotten to this bit :3)
I let a few tears trickle down my cheek bone and land on Phil's blood-stained t-shirt. I knew he hated me, I betrayed him but I can't help it. Jonathan had threats against me and my family. I let the limp Phil lay in my body, I couldn't call no ambulance or no doctors. Jonathan wouldn't ever allow that, he would make sure Phil was dead. I tightened my grip, I didn't want to give up on him. He deserves peace as I now know everything going on in his life. I know more than he can remember… that man. I hope that man comes to his senses and doesn't blank Phil anymore Phil… Phil really needs his older brother right now.
I guess I was sat there for quite awhile as I heard the front door slam meaning Jonathan had gone out for his Friday night drinks. If he was going to the pub it must be around a 11pm. I ran my fingers through the ebony hair of Phil. I heard a slight muffle word coming from him, was he going to wake up? I sat up and detached my hand from his hair as he would freak out.
"P-Phil?" I asked gently and not too loud so I didn't scare him. He stirred a bit. One eye gently opening slightly, I smiled. He was awake.
"Oh Phil!" I said wrapping my arms tightly around the near-death-experienced-boy "I didn't think you would make it! W-why did you even try!" I said freely letting the tears down my paled face.
"T-Toby? W-What are you d-doing here?" That's all he had to say? I waited with him after he nearly died. And he asks me what I'm doing here? He might not remember what he did, he's only just woken.
"I- I didn't want you to die Phil. You were bleeding and you were unconscious and just everything- I got scared and Jonathan sent me t-to get you b-but you were like t-that" I said rushing nearer the end I didn't want to think about how angry Jonathan will be when he is back for not bringing Phil down to him.
"Neither did I. I-I didn't mean to. I-I cut too d-deep without r-realising" I understood now, he didn't mean to, who would want to die with that much pain? I would want it quickly not slowly bleeding to death. I've cut before it releases a lot of pain, sometimes you go to deep when you're in a painful memory.
"It's ok Phil. I'm here now" I cooed as I patted his leg. I didn't want to scare him away. Not yet. He didn't deserve to be alone in all of this. No way did he, he needed me but I wasn't there for him when he needed me. I hadn't talked to him since the day we were taken. I felt scared to as Jonathan might have come to us and spilt us up. I didn't want that.
"I- I miss Dan, Toby" my heart sank. I tore him away from his other half, his love. I felt so guilty even to talk to him right now. He needed Dan, he needed someone who could help him. Only Dan could do that. Not me. I wish I could, but I'm not his Dan.
"I know you do Phil. I'm so sorry for all of this it's all my fault. I should have been less selfish and let him kill me, not-" I cut my self off. I nearly let out Jonathan's big secret, I couldn't do that I would die if he found out. I felt my throat going dry as I gulped down hoping he hadn't noticed I had cut my self off. He couldn't know. Not right now while he's like this. Not ever. Never will this boy know. He knew too much, I had 2 secrets. He almost found out one. I nearly told him that and I have a bigger secret… the one Jonathan wants Phil for… I can't let it spill so I let us sit in the silence.
"Toby? Will I get extra beating? Because I missed today's…." He voice was quiet and horse as he spoke, I could tell he was on the brink of tears. I moved closer placing my hand on his trembling knee.
"Don't worry Phil. we're alone right now, Jonathan is out at the pub. Don't worry" I lied. He had everything to worry for, when Jonathan discovers his fresh blooded scars he will pick up on Phil's weaknesses. He will pressure Phil in to telling him what made him cut. He will find out more about Dan. he will use Dan against Phil. I can't let Jonathan do that to them. They were too perfect of a couple. I didn't really see them when they were but I knew they were by the way they looked at each other in class. The way Dan's face sank when he saw Phil in the hallway of my old 'house'. the way Dan never gave up. The way Phil cut for Dan. The way they loved each other without a care in this world. They loved each other and nobody would or could pull them apart. Not even Jonathan. This gave me hope that we would get out of here, I wanted to, Phil needed to. We will get out. I know we will.
"O-ok" he replied. I told him he could fall asleep, he looked exhausted and needed sleep. It had been a busy day for him. I didn't want him to stress out or anything. As he fell asleep I left his room. I didn't deserve to be in there, I am the main reason he could've died. I should have let Jonathan kill me not his- I can't emit what Jonathan did, not even to myself.
He's a monster.
Dan P.O.V
I felt so stupid. I felt so weak. I felt like a fragile little kid again when ever someone came up to me I would flinch away. I'm a wimp. I didn't want to be alone right now, luckily Chris stayed with me when we came home. What was I even thinking? My thoughts were clouded with memories of that moment I let my foot fall from the height, instantly regretting my move. I didn't realise what I was doing. Pain can take over you at time. I thought that dying was the only way I could escape this hell hole. But I don't think it is now. I saw what pain went through my mothers eyes. I had made my mother cry from even just trying to commit, imagine what pain everyone would have gone through if I hadn't had Chris there to save me from my death bed? I wouldn't be here curled in a ball on my nice warm bed with Chris cross legged at the other end. His face was pale with fright. I caused that.
I was a 16 year old boy. I was a boy who was willing to step away his 16 years here on Earth. One step it was all over – nearly. I had worked hard for 16 years, yet I felt the need to throw it all in the bin over one petty guy? I wasn't even bi or gay before I laid eyes on Phil. Did I just call my Phil petty? I mentally killed myself, how dare my brain think that about Phil, he wasn't an ordinary boy, he was special, he was perfect with and without his scars, to me anyway. My dearest Phil. I miss Phil with my heart; it's been ages since I saw his smile. Where he tries to cover his popping out tongue with his pale hand. I really do miss him.
"I- I'm sorry Chris. I- I didn't know w-what I was d-doing" I said after we sat in a comfortable silence for awhile, just letting it sink in how much of an idiot I was.
"Dan it's ok. You're ok now, you're not at the bottom of the Thames." He said simply. I was so grateful he went for me, he could've stood there and waiting for the ambulance but he didn't. He dived in and untangled me. Without my best friend I would be dead, un-noticed, floating at the bottom of the river. Never to know what happened to Daniel Howell.
"I know. But I can't thank you enough for what you did Chris." I said looking at his through my damp eyes from the tears I shredded just moments ago.
"Dan, really it's ok. I'm glad I was there. I couldn't bare to loose you" he said smiling at me, and for once over the last 5 months I cracked a smile, not a big one but a smile. It felt nice to become happy even for that one second Chris showed he cared. It felt good.
I'm not giving up, not yet. I won't let this beat me. I will find you Phil. Even if it kills me. You're my deaths wish to be found.
*3 months later*
Dan P.O.V
I decided that it would be a good idea to try and start school again, I haven't been since Phil.. disappeared. That was 8 months ago now. It was mid-October and that meant I was going back in half-way through a term, this was going to be interesting.
I have been feeling a lot happier lately, Chris and PJ have been coming around a few times a week to play video games and to check on me. It's nice to have people who care. Phil still crossed my mind every now and again but I didn't let it get the better of me, I knew one day I will be able to find Phil. but for now, I guess I had to wait, wait until I had a plan, wait until I got someone I could trust to help me. I had no idea where to start but maybe one day I will. One day I'll get my Phil back.
I groaned as I got up out of bed and ran my hand through my curly hair, great curly hair. I got up and slipped on some clothes as I had showered last night so I was ok and ready in the morning. I got my straighterners out and straightened my hair.
When I was done, I looked in the mirror, I saw my arms and sighed. I didn't like to look at them. I haven't cut in around 1 or 2 weeks now and I didn't like to see my own arms shredded up like they were. I grabbed a jumper and pulled it over, sorting my hair. I looked like a normal boy. A boy who wasn't suicidal only a few months ago. Only I, Chris and PJ knew about that. That's how I wanted it. If the whole school knew, things wouldn't be so good.
I quickly ran down stairs eating an apple for breakfast saying goodbye to my family and leaving to get on the bus to school. I plugged in my headphones and played some muse. Before I knew it I was stood in front of the building, slightly nervous as I hadn't been here in so long. I walked in.
I walked into registration. As soon as I was sat down a crowd of people formed around me. I forgot how many 'friends' I had and how they would want to know why I wasn't here. I span around and faced Jack and Finn.
"Dan! You're back!" Jack exclaimed reaching over his desk and hugged me. It was nice to have my friends back.
"Hi Jack, Finn. I- I'm sorry I haven't been here in so-" I got cut off by Paisley, Wallis's best friend.
"Dan, we all know why you and Phil weren't here. Phil went missing" I froze, how much did they all know? It was my life I didn't want people to know, I didn't want them to know what I tried to do, they would call me emo, they would call me a freak, they would ditch me and I would be alone. Before I could answer I noticed I was digging my nails at my wrist, I quickly stopped, I didn't want to start again. "Is Phil still missing or something? Because he's not here…" Paisley wasn't the smartest girl in school, rather the opposite.
"H-he's still missing" I said barely audible to anyone around me. "Guys, what else do y-you know?" I asked looking around at the 5 people stood up and Jack and Finn.
"Well, we know Phil is missing… Chris told us, he was in tears around 3 months back? We don't know why he said it was Phil but I don't think it was. What happened Dan?" Finn asked. Oh god. Chris told them Phil was missing, did he tell them about me. I looked around at the eyes staring right at me. I couldn't take it. I was digging my hand at my wrist.
"I- I-" I couldn't tell them. No Dan you'll be called emo. You'll be known as the school emo. I was saved when Mr Sutton came in and told everyone to sit down.
I spent the rest of the day with Chris and PJ trying not to draw attention to myself. I didn't want questions about Phil. he brought back bad memories, I was scared. I didn't know the answers and to some I didn't want to answer.
It was now the end of the school day and when I was walking home from school, the heavens opened and it started to rain. I pulled my hood up not bothering to run, I didn't feel like it. I liked the rain it was nice and calming. I was around half way home now and I received a text message, I guessed it was from PJ or Chris. I was wrong. I took my phone from my pocket and it was from an unknown number, I unlocked my phone and read the message, my mouth forming a perfect 'o' shape as I continued.
"Hello Daniel. Just want to say, I have your little friend. Phil isn't it? Yeah well just wanted to say, you have 2 weeks to the day before its bye bye Philly. I will allow you too meet me and your little boyfriend, maybe if you have what I want you will get your boyfriend back, but if you don't lets say you'll see blood… and then you'll be blacked out as well. Don't tell anyone about this little arrangement. Don't tell anyone what you're doing. You got that? I will be in the old 'Big Buds' shop on E Philip Street in Manchester at 9pm sharp. If you're not there well you will never get another chance because your boyfriend… he will be shot and dumped in the River Irwell which is just a few yards from where I am standing. You got that punk? Good bye, I will see you 2 weeks from today."
What? Manchester? 2weeks? Phil shot… dumped in river? No. I won't let him do this. I have to go there. I can't tell anyone. He will know.
This is my chance to get my Phil back. I'm not giving up on this chance.