Blinking, Chandler found himself in Joey's arms and believed that he was still dreaming, so he kissed Joey passionately. It was wonderful, even without his beard.

Even though Chandler tasted like beer and cigarettes, Joey was so clouded by his relief and his tears at first that he kissed Chandler back and closed his eyes. The phone stopped ringing meanwhile. But as Chandler moaned and drew him down toward the floor, Joey realized what he was doing and stopped, pulling away. "Wait! No, we can't! Oh God, I'm--I'm sorry!" He wiped his eyes and tried to think. What the hell was wrong with him?

Chandler still clung to his arms and sighed, "Don't be," as he tried to kiss Joey again.

But Joey just turned away from him and firmly shook his head. "No! No, Chandler, stop! I told you that we can't do this!"

Chandler let go and looked hurt. "Then--then why did you kiss me back?"

Joey sighed and frowned, knowing it was his own fault for letting this happen again. "I-I don't know, Chandler. It's just that I was so... confused and worried about you. Monica and Ross called and told me how upset you were, and that you'd disappeared. And then when I found you, I was so relieved that you were all right. I was just gonna kiss your cheek and hug you, but--"

"But you missed because your face is so smooth now?" Chandler finished sarcastically. "And your tongue slipped too?"

Joey bit his lip and knew how lame his words sounded. He explained, "I-I just shaved my beard so I could get out of the apartment without getting recognized."

Chandler pouted and lay back down in his sleeping bag, realizing that this was not a lovely dream, but a nightmare. Or maybe it was the horrible reality that drove him to drink and smoke again in the first place. "So this was just another mistake?" he asked bitterly.

Joey whispered, "Yeah. I'm really sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me."

Chandler cried and rolled over, huddling within the bag. "I love you. How could you tease me like that?"

"I didn't mean to. I--" But Joey gave up, and caressed his shoulder tenderly. He asked instead, "What are you doing here, Chandler? Smoking and drinking in here by yourself? Then sleeping here in the darkness? You could have started a fire or got hurt."

Chandler just shrugged miserably. "I couldn't go anywhere else, with the reporters outside."

"Well, you could have gone up to the roof. I thought I saw you up there a minute ago."

"No. I figured that they'd see me with some long-range cameras or something. Besides, I found all our old camping stuff here in the boxes. And I used to come here all the time when your furniture was here, Joe."

"You did?"

"Yeah." After a pause, he added, "This was your sleeping bag, remember? You slept naked in it. We were in that tent together, and you were so close to me. I couldn't sleep at all." That was the camping trip in which they used Rachel's sheep for pillows.

Joey blushed and felt guilty about that now. "I didn't know you loved me then."

Chandler wept and told him, "I-I wanted you to kiss me so bad, Joe. I mean, you bought me that bracelet and you got jealous about Eddie and you came home; I thought maybe you were falling for me too."

Joey frowned. "How come you didn't try to kiss me or something?"

"'Cause you might push me away and say you weren't gay."

"But, Chandler, I mean--Wait, what about when I had that gay kissing audition? I asked you to kiss me a lot of times, but you wouldn't do it."

"I was stupid," Chandler said with regret. "I-I had too much pride back then. I didn't want just a tease or a joke anymore, like on New Year's. I wanted something real, where you wouldn't have any excuses to fall back on. No, 'Oh I was just drunk then, and you kept asking for it.' I wanted you to kiss me because you meant it. I-I was trying to make you jealous about my internet girlfriend too. Like, maybe you'd pull me away from the computer and say, 'Stop it. You got the real thing right here.'"

Joey blinked and tried to imagine that scenario. Kissing Chandler and making him moan happily. But he probably would have stopped after a while and used the excuse of his audition, and he probably would have broken Chandler's heart then. Better to break his heart then, than now?

Chandler continued, "But Ross kissed you instead, and when I saw that my internet girlfriend was actually Janice, it was eerie, like I couldn't get away from her no matter what. I remembered how you hated her, though, so I kissed her to make you jealous. And I thought that if she stayed around for a while, then you'd get upset and fight for me."

"Really? Wow, I didn't get that."

"Yeah, but then you made up with her, and she didn't mind you hanging around with us. She already had a little baby too, and you like babies. She was really nice and sweet this time, and not so irritating. I thought maybe this could really work out, and I wouldn't die alone. Maybe we could be like a family or something."

"Oh, so you tried to settle down with her?"

"Yeah. Monica wasn't the first one. I thought Janice really loved me, you know, but then she kissed Gary again, and she went back to him." Chandler shrugged. "Maybe I should have tried to get back together with her instead of going to Yemen. Would I have been better off with Janice instead of Monica?"

Joey only said, "I hate Janice."

"I know, and she was irritating again when she came back."

Then Joey asked, "Did you try to settle down with Kathy too? Was that why you stole her from me?"

Chandler finally faced him and confessed, "At first, I-I was just jealous. It hurt so much hearing you have sex with her in your room." He sniffled. "She was just like me, Joey! Like me with boobs. She rehearsed lines with you, and watched Die Hard with you, and played with the birds, and talked about my favorite books and TV shows. It was like, you can want me, but only if I was a girl!"

Joey looked shocked. "Whoa! I-I didn't even notice."

"I know," Chandler sighed sadly. "It's just me getting crazy over you. But everybody else wondered why I was jealous of you guys, and they assumed that I loved Kathy, so I let them believe that. And when she started to fall for me, that's when I got to thinking that I could be with her instead. She could tell me what it's like to be with you. Maybe I'd gotten the soulmates thing wrong, you know; maybe it's supposed to be the person who's most like you. I don't know. It didn't last anyway."

"And then you ended up with Monica in London?"

"Yeah. I was tired of looking around, and she seemed like she was tired too. I mean, she only wanted some comfort because of that drunk guy at the wedding. And you heard her yourself, admitting that she wanted you in London, not me."

Joey protested, "But I think that she really did fall in love with you later. She did wanna marry you, Chandler. Not just to have a baby."

Chandler just shook his head.

With a groan, Joey leaned near and tried to get him up out of the sleeping bag. "Come on, Chandler, let's get out of here. It stinks and it's dangerous."

Chandler refused to go. "No, there's nowhere else to go."

"We'll go back to your apartment."

"I don't wanna see Monica again."

"You can't stay here forever."

Chandler said, "I just wanna stay until it's dark outside. Then maybe I'll sneak out of town and go stay with my dad."

"Your dad?"

"Yeah, he called me this morning about the scandal. I told him that you kissed me, and that I love you."

"Oh. Wait, did he call you back just now?" Joey went to retrieve Chandler's phone from his pants.

"What?"

"While you were asleep, your phone was ringing. That's how I found you."

Chandler sat up and looked at the phone for his missed call. "Oh, it's not my dad. It's just Monica calling me from home."

"It is?" Joey took the phone and looked at it. "Or maybe it's Ross, looking for you. He called me earlier and told me you were missing. I think I heard Monica crying in the background too, so maybe they're all at the apartment."

"Great. Even more reason not to go back there."

"But Chandler, you gotta talk to them. I mean, are you serious about divorcing her? What's gonna happen to your baby?"

Chandler replied, "I don't know. It's not like she let me help making any decisions. She kept saying how no name goes with Bing, so I said, 'Hemingway Bing' but she said it was stupid, and I have no taste."

"But it's your kid, Chandler! You can't just leave it."

He shrugged. "I'd probably just screw him or her up like my parents screwed me up." He took back the phone from Joey. "I should just call my dad and tell him what happened. Then I'll go fly to Vegas after I get out of here."

Joey reluctantly answered, "Well--well maybe that would be good for you, to see your dad. Maybe that would help you out. But we should at least tell Monica and everybody where you are, so they won't worry."

"I don't think they'll worry."

"Chandler!"

"Why don't you go talk to them?" While Joey pouted, Chandler tried to call his dad, but failed. "The signal's too weak here for long distance."

"So you should get out of here," Joey insisted. "Come on, please?"

Chandler sighed and said, "Give me my pants."

Joey handed them over, then stood up and turned around to give him privacy.

However, Chandler had trouble even unzipping his sleeping bag.

"Are you okay?" Joey asked.

"It's stuck." He tried to wriggle out of the bag instead.

So Joey came back and helped pull him out. Chandler was not naked, but still wearing his underwear.

"Help me up, Joe."

"Okay." Joey noticed that Chandler seemd uncoordinated and unsteady on his feet. "You're really drunk, huh?"

Chandler leaned on him and tried to put on his pants, but he was dizzy. "I didn't eat enough breakfast."

"Didn't you have lunch?"

"Is it lunch time already?"

Joey looked upset. "Lunch time was a couple of hours ago!"

"Oh. I slept through it, I guess."

"Chandler!" Joey hugged him close and was really concerned about him. "We'll--we'll get you some food at your place, and then I'll help you get to the airport. I got a fake beard you could put on as a disguise."

"Okay."

Joey helped him dress and put the cell phone back into his pocket. Then he led Chandler out of the storage room, turning off the light as they left. As they went upstairs, Joey got pensive, and asked, "Chandler, how come you told her that you wanted a divorce today? How come you told her about us kissing too? Was it your conscience?"

Chandler replied brokenheartedly, "I was so close, Joey. So close to being happy when you kissed me. But--but you don't love me, and I can't go on. I can't just pretend and plaster a smile on my face anymore. Let her go back to Richard or something."

"I don't think it's that simple."

"You said she should." Chandler still leaned on him.

"But that was before I talked to her." Joey frowned and thought about Chandler saying that he was "dead inside" until Joey kissed him yesterday. "I'm sorry."

In the apartment, Ross told Monica and Rachel that he even looked on the roof for Chandler but couldn't find him. Then he decided to clean up the apartment for Monica while Rachel turned on the news, hoping that Chandler was seen leaving by the paparazzi.

Instead, the only current gossip they found was about a mysterious man who had visited Joey's building twice in the past couple hours. He didn't seem to live there, though, but his resemblance to Joey suggested that they were relatives or something.

Monica wondered aloud when Phoebe would get here, and soon there came a knock on the door, so they all thought Phoebe must have taken off early from her work.

However, when Ross opened the door, he saw Joey and Chandler. "Where have you been all this time?" He looked irritated that Joey was supporting Chandler. "Get your hands off him!"

"He's drunk!" Joey helped Chandler over to the kitchen table, where Monica had already put out some snacks while they were waiting for Ross to find Chandler. "If you don't mind, he hasn't eaten anything since breakfast."

Rachel got upset with Joey. "You were lying on the phone, weren't you? He did run to your apartment and find you!"

"No, he didn't!" Joey answered here. "After Ross called me, I left my apartment to go find him, and he was right here in the building."

"Where?" Ross challenged. "I looked everywhere and didn't see him!"

"You didn't check the storage room, did you?"

"What? The storage room?"

"Yeah, that's where he was, smoking and drinking. Then he found a sleeping bag and fell asleep. I only found him 'cause his phone was ringing."

"Wait, I called him from the roof ten minutes ago. What have you two been doing since then? Kissing?"

Joey blushed with guilt, but only said, "It took me a while to convince him to come here."

"He didn't wanna get his ass kicked, did he?"

"Ross, please! We came here to apologize."

"I didn't," Chandler said, still nibbling on some food.

Joey was exasperated, but he blocked Ross from going over to hit him. "He's drunk, okay? But I'm sorry. I really am! I guess I-I should have told you guys about L.A. before and not come back to New York. I should have even called his dad or something to come talk to him. I'm sorry."

Chandler was upset by this. "No, you shouldn't! You came home where you belonged, Joey. I-I missed you so much."

Monica cried. "What about me, Chandler? Don't you love me or our baby?"

"It's your baby! That's all you wanted."

"No, I--"

"You even stopped treating me nice once we moved together, Monica! We weren't even friends anymore."

"Chandler!" Rachel hugged Monica and glared at Chandler.

Ross came closer threateningly. "You remember that big brother speech I gave you before the wedding? Well it's time to start kicking your ass!"

Chandler was drunk enough not to care, and besides, he knew that Ross wasn't stronger than him, what with the arm wrestling contest, and his bruising like a peach.

Joey did care, though, and he shielded Chandler again. Joey begged, "Ross, no! He's drunk and not well!"

"He deserves it, and so do you! You better not duck this time!"

Joey did duck, though, while Ross hit his fist against a post. "Ow!"

Joey took the opportunity to grab Chandler and quickly leave the apartment. He realized what a disaster this encounter was, and he called back, "I'm taking him to his dad! Sorry!"

Ross wanted to go after them, but he had to go ice his hand. Rachel didn't trust her sprained ankle either, and Monica just sobbed, knowing that there was no reasoning with Chandler now.

Meanwhile, going downstairs with Chandler, Joey decided to ask Mr. Treeger to make some distraction so that they could get out of the building. He needed Chandler to eat some food and be more rational by the time that they went to the airport tonight.