Chapter Six: The Point Where The Author Interrupts
The birds got into John's police car. As he drove off, Panchito smiled, "So," he said looking at me, "where to?"
I don't know, I'm not supposed to reveal plot devices.
"What the hell is a plot device?" Panchito asked.
Don't worry, you'll see.
"So, John right?" Launchpad said looking at the police officer who nodded. "Yup, that's my name, don't wear it out." John said, "So, where are we headed, really?" The rooster asked, hoping that the police station comment was just a plot device. "The police station." John said. "Wait, so you weren't kidding when you said that you were taking me in?" Panchito asked. John shook his head, "Nope, you're wanted for attempted murder, arson, and sexual harassment." Panchito nodded, "Sexual harassment is a strong word isn't it?" He said with a smile. "Not if there's a victim." John replied. "Victim! Who's the 'victim'?" Panchito asked, air quoting victim. "Felicia Summers." Panchito sighed, "Well shit," he said, "did not see that one coming." John nodded, "You're going to be behind bars for a long time rooster." He said. "How long is long?" Panchito asked. "Oh, about forever."
"Un momento senor, I need to talk to someone real quick." Panchito said.
"Sure, whatever." John replied, not really caring, he would rather be focused on the road anyway.
"Excuse me senor," Panchito said looking at me, "but what the hell are you thinking?"
Writing your story Panchito.
"Yeah but really! You're sending me to jail! Me!" The rooster yelled. "After all we've been through this is how you're going to treat me! Some friend you are."
Ease up Panchito, I have a plan for everything, just chill alright.
"How about this," Panchito said, "I got a plan of my own, wanna here it?"
Not really.
"Too bad you're going to suffer dickhead. That's right, you're a dickhead. Lo siento senor but it's true. My life was fine without you! All I did was walk into work and stand in a line, but oh no, you just had to put me on an adventure didn't you. You just had to make me a target of everybody didn't you! Haven't you ever thought for once about me? You're a selfish bastard!"
Alright if that's how you feel, I guess you don't want to have a girlfriend.
"Girlfriend?" Panchito said, raising his eyebrows in interest.
Yeah, a girlfriend, she's your type too, but since you want out. I'll be Christof and let you go.
"Is she hot?" Panchito asked.
She no supermodel or anything but just you know, pretty, like all women are.
"Si, ¿Cuál es su nombre?" Panchito asked.
Nope, can't tell you that.
"Por que!" The rooster cried, wanting to know. "I deserve to know to you know! See, that's what I'm talking about, selfishness. That's what you are! You're a selfish asshole! I lost my job, my friends, all because of you!" He leaned out of the computer screen and got into my face. "You sir ruined my life!"
How do you think Terry feels. He lost his job, his girlfriend, his own house, because of you.
"That's different! We're not talking about that lonely shy nerd who can't find a sane person to date. That's his problem. We're talking about me!" Panchito said.
Oh and I'm the selfish one.
"Si, si you are, you know what, you're going on the list."
Panchito what list?
"Aha! See? There are some things that even you don't know. I got a little black book too." Panchito smiled, a 'I can play this game too' smile.
Panchito wrote my name down. "Let's see, um, senor, how do you spell specific?" I rolled my eyes, "Read your dialogue douchebag." I said. Panchito looked at me, a bit shocked. "Senor! I'm hurt, I really am, my little heart is breaking into little tiny pieces, my eyes are watering and my feet are numb, oh the pain of your voice saying those words. It pains me to say that I don't give a fuck!" Panchito screamed, flipping me off. "You are, I say again, an asshole! A fucking asshole!" Panchito nodded, satisfied with the insult.
Hmm..okay Panchito you win. I won't write this story anymore.
"Good," Panchito said.
"Now," the rooster said, turning back to John, "are you really going to do that to me, you're dear, sweet, friend." Panchito said, batting his eyebrows, he tried to gain extra sympathy points by sticking his lower lip out and trembling it a little. John looked back at him. "That's not going to work." He said, looking back at the road.
Hey Panchito.
The rooster rolled his eyes and looked up at the roof, "I already told you I'm not talking to you anymore!" He shouted.
"Panchito," Jose asked, "who are you talking too?"
Panchito ignored him, acting like Homer Simpson, pretending to strangle me.
"Panchito!" Jose said, trying to get the rooster's attention. "What is it Jose?" Panchito said with a rather annoyed sigh. "Who are you talking to?" The parrot asked
"The voice in the sky." Panchito said.
"God?" Jose asked.
"No, no, no, the voice! He's telling our story!" Panchito said.
"Right!" Jose said, smiling, thinking to himself, "Wow, he's lost it."
Panchito sighed in aggravation, he reached in his shirt and pulled out the script. He flipped and flipped until he found out what he was looking for. "Ah, here it is!" He exclaimed with excitement pointing his finger to the Trauma, Drama, and Melodrama chapter.
What are you doing?
"Fixing your mistake." Panchito said with a smile
What mistake is that.
"You were going to let me be the only one to hear or see you. Well you can't!" Panchito shouted to me, but to everyone else, it was just nothing but the window.
What are you talking about?
"See, look, let's go back a bit shall we?" Panchito said. He read grabbed a pen and wrote, they went back in time a few months when Jose and Donald arrived...
There was a beam of light. The car disappeared. Launchpad disappeared, everything went backwards in extreme rewind right up to when Jose and Donald fell through the roof. "See," Panchito said, looking at me for I was standing next to him in Tina's room. We were in white halos, like angles for some reason. Panchito looked me over and wasn't necessarily impressed with me. He shook his head and turned his head back towards the scene. The roof collapsed and Jose and Donald appeared. They were carrying suitcases and such things and quickly scrambled to the floor, seeing their friend underneath the roof, electrical wires, and drywall. "Donal'!" Jose called, "get a bucket of water or something quick!" Donald nodded and quickly exited the room. Jose meanwhile tried to pull Panchito out of the roof. The Panchito that stood next to me pulled out his script again and flipped a page. In an instant, his proof was there.
"No," Panchito said getting off the bed, "it's just you're always high stung is all." He stretched. "Entonces, ¿qué están haciendo aquí eh?" The rooster asked looking at his friends. Donald and Jose, who knew only little Spanish, looked at the camera as if there was one.
"Hey writer." It was Donald.
Yes?
"Subtitles por favor." Jose asked.
Sure. So, what are you guys doing here eh?
"Oh, okay," Donald said, "thanks."
No problem, now can I get back to my work please?
"Wait, I'm not finished I still want to-" Jose asked, curious. It was getting on the writer's nerves. So if the parrot doesn't stop talking the writer will kill him off. Very violently.
"Shutting up now." Jose said.
Panchito closed the script. The scene went away, like a popped bubble. We stood in a white empty space. "See, you can't do that. You're contradicting yourself." The rooster said to me. "Alright, alright," I said, admitting that I was wrong, "but what should have Jose do?" Panchito stopped and thought for a moment, "Let's see, how about Launchpad says something like, 'Yo, Panchito, you schizophrenic?' I'll reply with something witty and charming." The rooster smiled. I looked at him, "Whatever, just do you job if you want to get paid." Panchito laughed, "You don't pay me senor." I nodded, "Panchito, remind me to pay you later." The rooster cleared his throat, "Um senor..." I could tell where this was going, I smiled, "Nice try. Now get out of here." Panchito saluted casually and laughed fading away as if he were metaphorically dying.
Panchito returned to his seat in the police car. "Panchito!" Jose called. The rooster looked over, "What is it Jose?" He said, feeling a sense of déjà vu. "Who are you talking to?"Jose asked. "Um..." Panchito said twiddling his thumbs. "I don't know."
"Oh, well, what were you talking about?" The parrot asked. "Oh, Nothing Really Specific." Panchito said with a smile and a wink. Thanks for the nod bro! Panchito nodded, "De nada." He whispered. "What was that?" Jose said. "Nothing Really Specific Jose, Nothing Really Specific." Panchito said with a knowing smile. The parrot nodded, "Okay, but you were talking to yourself."
"Maybe he's schizophrenic, yo Panchito, you have schizophrenia?" Launchpad asked. "Does that question really need to be asked?" John said with a laugh as he pulled into the police station. Laughter. Amusement. Moving on...
The train moved slowly, as in, Donald could still see the station. The duck sighed and waited, Wilkes looked at the duck with awe and perplexity as if he'd never seen a duck before. "So," Wilkes asked, "you're going to New York City to save your relationship with Daisy, and you're going by train?" He said trying to piece everything together. Donald nodded, "Yeah, I sort of kinda got a reputation at the airport."
"Really?" Wilkes said with a smile interested, "Do tell."
"Let's just say it involves Michael Jackson." Donald said.
Wilkes laughed, "Smooth criminal." He chuckled.
"Oh so you know!" Donald smiled.
"I'm sorry what do I know?" Wilkes asked.
"You just said, oh never mind." Donald replied.
The train whistle sounded. Barney put some more coals and sent the train into full speed a whopping twenty miles an hour...whoopee.